Oct 23 2009 Lies!: Germans Have Broken Speed Of Light

Two German scientists claim to have broken the speed of light. They are liars and should lose their science licenses. What do you mean you don't need a license to practice science? WELL YOU SHOULD!

According to Einstein's special theory of relativity, it would require an infinite amount of energy to propel an object at more than 186,000 miles per second.

However, Dr Gunter Nimtz and Dr Alfons Stahlhofen, of the University of Koblenz, say they may have breached a key tenet of that theory.

The pair say they have conducted an experiment in which microwave photons - energetic packets of light - travelled "instantaneously" between a pair of prisms that had been moved up to 3ft apart.

The scientists were investigating a phenomenon called quantum tunnelling, which allows sub-atomic particles to break apparently unbreakable laws.

Dr Nimtz told New Scientist magazine: "For the time being, this is the only violation of special relativity that I know of."

Yeah, no. Is the universe still here? Then these two crackpots didn't shoot shit faster than the speed of light. And speaking of shooting shit faster than the speed of light: the new Black Jack taco from Taco Bell. Plumber!!

'We have broken speed of light' [telegraph]

Thanks to Allegro, who once ran out for beer and returned before he even left (got hit be a street sweeper and passed out in a ditch for a whole day).

Jul 20 2009 EATR Robot NOT Designed To Eat Dead Bodies, Or, How A Company Backpedals

Cyclone Power Technologies, the company behind the Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot (EATR), denies that it was designed to dine on human corpses. Obviously, they're lying through their oil-stained, robot loving teeth.

"We completely understand the public's concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission," said Harry Schoell, CEO of Cyclone Power Technologies. "We are focused on demonstrating that our engines can create usable, green power from plentiful, renewable plant matter."

Let me tell you a little personal story: I used to be vegetarian. Now I eat the hell out of some meat. Draw your own conclusion.

Darpa's Self-Feeding Sentry Robot is Not a Man-Eater, Company Protests [popsci]

Thanks to Rodger and Charles, who know what the future holds because they both have crystal balls. Be careful bicycling, guys.

Jun 12 2009 Questionable: Boy Is Allegedly Hit By Meteorite, Lives To Tell Spread Lies About It

Allegedly Gerrit Blank, 14, of Essen, Germany, got hit by a pea-sized meteorite on his way to school.

A red hot, pea-sized piece of rock then hit his hand before bouncing off and causing a foot wide crater in the ground.

The teenager survived the strike, the chances of which are just 1 in a million - but with a nasty three-inch long scar on his hand.

He said: "At first I just saw a large ball of light, and then I suddenly felt a pain in my hand.

"The noise that came after the flash of light was so loud that my ears were ringing for hours afterwards.

"When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself into the road," he explained.

Jesus, Gerrit, so you didn't finish your book report, it's not that big a deal.

14-year-old hit by 30,000 mph space meteorite [telegraph]

Thanks to catch22, Texico and Joemo, who have all been hit in the face with real UFO's and never missed a class.

Jun 10 2009 Noob Not Millionth Word Of English Language After All. No, Apparently Now It's 'Web 2.0'

Remember last month when I reported 'noob' was going to be the millionth English word introduced into dictionaries? Well apparently I was lied to (you bitch!), and now the honor goes to 'Web 2.0', which is pretty effed up considering it's half numeral.

The buzzword that heralded the new age of social networking on the internet, Web 2.0, has been crowned the one millionth English word by a US-based language monitoring group.

The Texas-based Global Language Monitor (GLM) acknowledges new words once they have been used 25,000 times on media and social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook. It predicts that a new English-language word is created every 98 minutes.

You know what, I'm tired of this honky-tonk flip-flopping bullshit. I suggest we start a rumor that Geekologie is actually the millionth word in the English language. It's sure as hell a whole lot more believable than noob and web 2.0. As a matter of fact, I already defined it in an earlier post.

Geekologie n, v (2008)
1. the study of all things geek
Dude, this college sucks, you can't even get a Geekologie degree.

2. to utterly destroy someone else and prove your dominance, similar to pwn
Suck it, sucker, I just beat your Bomberman high score. You got Geekologied!

3. to teabag a passed out roommate who forgot to take his shoes off
Quick, grab the video camera -- I'm gonna Geekologie Davey!

Now, go forth and spread the news, LEST I HAVE TO GEEKOLOGIE THAT ASS.

'Web 2.0' is one millionth English word [msn]

Thanks to jawn and draw, who just wrote Merriam Webster and told them to suck it.

Jan 28 2009 Not Again!: Another Kid's Toy Promoting Islam

Remember the story about the children's doll that allegedly says "Islam is the light"? Well now there's a Nintendo DS game that says the same thing, thankfully discovered by BY THE SAME IDIOT THAT COMPLAINED ABOUT THE DOLL.

Months ago, Rachel Jones was shocked to discover her 4-year-old's baby doll seemed to have a hidden message: Islam is the light.

Imagine her surprise when a game for her 8-year-old daughter's Nintendo DS had the same message. Jones said she's angry this is the second toy she's had to take from her children.

"Not just my daughters' toys, but we have a son too," said Jones. "Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they're not saying it."

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Rachel. Except stop procreating. Also, your fifteen minutes of local-news fame were up last year, let somebody else have a turn. Like the kid that got a cherry pit stuck up his nose, that's something.

Video game plays strange message? [wpri]

Thanks to Mark, whose Teddy Ruxpin doll promoted Wicca.

Jan 18 2009 Anybody Seen My Foil Helmet?: UFO Destroys Wind Turbine, Aliens Make Off With A Piece

The alien apocalypse is upon us! Those other-worldly asslovers have already started sabotaging our power systems, starting with most crippling -- yes, the wind turbines.

The facts: The turbine suffered a catastrophic failure at night around the same time many locals reported "glowing spheres" in the sky. The manufacturer says the turbine was built to withstand extreme conditions. And the blade that snapped off still hasn't been found.

That's right folks, we can finally add destruction of property and theft to the long list of rectal crimes aliens have committed here on Earth. Apparently the little wonk-eyed bastards hate renewable energy and just all around jerks and litter bugs. Which, honestly, I've been trying to tell you all for years. Remember the time I woke up with a burger wrapper and Styrofoam cup in my ass? Exactly.

Breaking: Aliens hate wind power [dvice]

Nov 19 2008 Really? That's The Best You Could Do?

In a story that reminds me of every wedding I've ever gone to where they set out disposable cameras so you can take pictures, some dude took a snapshot of his junk with his iPhone. And, after emailing it to his mistress, his girlfriend found it. Oh snap! So what did the no-good cheating bastard do? Simple, he blamed it on Apple.

The Fanboy's excuse was that he had taken the picture but never sent it to anyone. In fact he was so worried about his Iphone taking the picture that he said had paid a visit to the ironically named Apple Genius Bar. There he swore that a spokesman for apple had told him that it was a known glitch. Photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent, he swore blind that the Genius told him.

Well folks, I think we can all walk away from this having learned a valuable lesson. One about, oh I don't know, making up better lies.

Help! Iphone snapped my husband's genitals [theinquirer]

Thanks to Michael, who doesn't take pictures of himself in the mirror for his Facebook profile.

Nov 7 2008 IGN Names Wal-Mart #1 Video Game Retailer

According to a recent IGN poll of 2,000 gamers (that's not enough), Wal-Mart is the go to for buying video games. I find it hard to believe, but I find a lot of things hard to believe. Moon landing my ass -- I'm gonna be first!

Wal-Mart, the world's largest retailer, is also king when it comes to videogame sales.

To prove it, they've linked to a chart showing that 62% of respondents bought games at Wal-Mart, compared to 54% who bought games at Best Buy or Gamestop. Only 17% of the people surveyed bought games from Blockbuster, where they're dirty and used.

Wal-Mart? Really? I don't like it. Nope, the only thing I buy there are late-night shopping cart races. Beat you to the toy department! Also, let's try to return something we bought on eBay.

Wal-Mart declared 'king' of videogame sales [dvice]

Oct 20 2008 Explorers Find Alleged Yeti Footprint

On the left, a human footprint, and on the right, an alleged Yeti footprint. And possibly a turd. Japanese explorers stumbled across the print on an expedition in the Himalayas to track down the elusive beast.

The large hairy creature resembling a human or bear is said to live in the regions of Nepal and Tibet. While the scientific community largely regards the creature as folklore, given the lack of evidence, reports of the yeti go back hundreds of years.

Yoshiteru Takahashi, the leader of the Yeti Project Nepal, made the discovery leading his Japanese team's third attempt at tracking down the half-man-half-ape.

Half-man, half-ape, huh? Somebody's developing a new crush!

"Yeti" Footprints Discovered, Japanese Explorers Claim [huffingtonpost]