Nov 18 2009 Dad Only Speaks Klingon To Son For 3 Years

This handsome dapper portly half-Santa isn't the man in the story, but that doesn't matter. What's important is that he practices good dental hygiene. Also, that some cat named d'Armond Speers decided to only speak Klingon to his son for the first three years of his life. But fret not, he did it with good cause: cruelty experimentation. I knew I had kids for a reason!

"I was interested in the question of whether my son, going through his first language acquisition process, would acquire it like any human language," Speers told the Minnesota Daily. "He was definitely starting to learn it."

And get this, Speers says he isn't really a huge Star Trek fan.

Does the fact that Speers has a doctorate in computational linguistics explain anything -- or excuse anything -- here? Maybe. His child-rearing habits were part of a larger story on the company he advises, Ultralingua, which develops language and translation software. Including Klingon.

Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. Besides somebody get this man a 'Father of the Year' ribbon! Are you reading this B.F. Skinner? That air-crib was weak shit!

Local dad spoke only Klingon to child for three years [citypages]

Thanks to Demon Spawn and Kelly, who are only speaking jibberish to their children for six years.

Nov 12 2009 Early Computing: Children's New Alphabet

Is this how today's children learn the alphabet? No. Is this how tomorrow's children will learn the alphabet? Probably not. Is spanking the best way to teach your children things? My parents thought so, and look how smart I am. Well, you can't physically SEE how smart I am. What you're looking at is called handsome.

How Today's Kids Learn The Alphabet [verybored]

Thanks to Nick, who learned the alphabet the old fashioned way: he didn't. His tip was nothing but wingdings and a link!

Jul 29 2009 Unhappy Hump Day: Another Learning Robot

Just look at that picture. Do you see anything wrong with it? If you answered, "yes -- absolutely everything, there is not a single thing right about that photo", congratulations, there's hope for you yet. Anyway, a group of hellbent fools at the Developmental Robotics Laboratory at Iowa State University have developed a robot that they hope will be able to learn things similar to the way a child does.

Rather than pre-program it to perform a set of tasks, the team believes that robots need to experience the same kind of development that humans and animals do.

To that end, their 'bot is equipped with two long arms and a pair of webcam-looking eyes. It can hear and see, and learns to identify objects by picking them up and performing different tests, such as shaking or dropping them.

Yes, shaking and dropping them. Just wait until it identifies a human. Also, whose bright idea was it to give that thing a pair of scissors. I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO USE SCISSORS AND I'M HUMAN! Moooooooom -- the dog made me glue my head to the carpet again!

Video of the learning baby deathbot in action after the jump.

Continue Reading " Unhappy Hump Day: Another Learning Robot "

May 26 2009 13,500 Pages Of Data Etched On A 3" Disk

The Rosetta Disk is a 3" nickel disk that has been etched with over 13,500 pages of information on how to read and understand the world's languages in case aliens get tired of sticking things up our butts and want to get their learn on. It represents over 1,500 languages and requires a 500x microscope to read a single page. You hear that, aliens -- don't forget your microscopes (read: leave the probes at home).

Hit the jump for a close-up that isn't close enough.

Continue Reading " 13,500 Pages Of Data Etched On A 3" Disk "

Feb 26 2009 I Knew It!: Violent Video Games Helps Prepare Children For The Coming Apocalypse

This is an Onion News roundtable discussion on the benefit of children playing violent video games. And as I suspected, violent games do, in fact, prepare the world's youth for the coming apocalypse.

Playing video games all day, alone and friendless, is simply the best way we have to prepare our children for a life of solitude in a barren wasteland.

Finally, somebody speaking some sense. So fret not, parents, buying your children violent video games might just provide them with the know-how they need to survive in the the future. Or, I dunno, bring a gun to school. Either one.

Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse? [theonion]

Thanks to Mister Tiddles, who I think might be a cat.

Jan 7 2009 6-Year Old Misses Bus, Steals Family Car, Learned To Drive Playing Grand Theft Auto

A six-year old (possibly Lil Derrick) missed the school bus and did what any responsible, education-loving tyke would do -- stole his parents' 2005 Ford Taurus and drive his damn self. It almost brings a tear to my eye. Almost. Super villains don't cry though. I ain't no little bitch!

He made at least two 90-degree turns, passed several cars and ran off the rural two-lane road several times before hitting an embankment and utility pole about a mile and a half from school.

The boy told police he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam video games.

"He was very intent on getting to school," said Northumberland County Sheriff Chuck Wilkins. "When he got out of the car, he started walking to school. He did not want to miss breakfast and PE."

Damn, what a student he must be! I think we've got a future rocket scientist on our hands here. Just kidding, he'll be locked up in no time.

6-year-old takes family car after missing bus [ajc]

Thanks to Chris and Kevin, who never stole cars to get to school because those mutherf***ers had jetpacks, yo!

Dec 18 2008 Science!: The Periodic Table Of Awesoments

Unfortunately, it probably doesn't look that awesome since you can't read any of it. So click HERE to see the whole thing and all the awesoments that make the world cool.

In 300 B.C., years before the birth of black Jesus, Aristole postulated that all good things were made of "win." That was a pretty good guess, but he was drunk and probably also having an orgy. Modern day awesominers know there are actually 118 fundamental "awesoments" that compose all good things. The Periodic table of Awesoments can be a very useful tool. It's designed to show the relationships between awesoments, and often one can even predict how awesoments interact simply by their positions on the table.

Awesome. Although I question the awesoments in the traditional 'noble gas' section (ninja, sniper, vampire, wizard, etc.). I would argue that those particular awesoments are, in fact, highly reactive and not as tame as their position in the table suggests. Am I right? Example: "Hey ninja -- I banged your vampire mom last night. Yeah, she made me slap her ass with garlic nunchucks the whole time. Then your assassin dad walked in on us so i put my wizard robe and hat on and did him too. Then I had a sniper buddy take him out. Haha, your Jedi mind-tricks don't work on me. Now let's throw some clay on the potter's wheel and get all ghost-y." Seriously folks, you see how reactive that shit was?

The Periodic Table of Awesoments [dapperstache]

Thanks to Bryan, who I was surprised to see absent from the table.

Dec 1 2008 Man Teaches Robot To Play Pong, Robot Taunts Man, Man Foolishly Doesn't Kill Robot

Some fool went and taught a robot how to play Pong. Next thing you know, the crazy bastard will teach the archangel of the apocalypse how to play Donkey Kong, and from there, well, I think you can imagine what happens next. Hint: we all die. I must admit though, I did almost chuckle before pissing my pants when the robot taunted the guy. He says, "No, no, no, and no. You are a loser." Man, if I had a quarter for every time a girl's told me that, well, I could play pinball for decades.

Youtube

Thanks to Marc and Pedro, who could both school that robot at Pong then kick its head off and say something insulting about its mother (who I heard had sex with a Speak & Spell -- BURN!)

Nov 26 2008 College Students Play Real-Life Quidditch

This is a video about college students playing a non-wizard version of Quidditch. You know, that game in Harry Potter where the players fly around with broomsticks up their asses. Unsurprisingly, it's taking college campuses by storm (just like Humans vs. Zombies!).

The earthbound variation is called Muggle Quidditch. The sport originated in 2005 when a student at Middlebury College adapted the game for the nonmagical world. Its popularity quickly spread, and today more than 150 colleges throughout the United States have Quidditch teams.

As in the fictional game, each Muggle Quidditch team has seven players: three chasers, two beaters, a keeper, and a seeker. Chasers score points by throwing a quaffle, or volleyball, through one of three hoops (worth 10 points) while trying to avoid bludgers, or dodgeballs, that are thrown by beaters. (If chasers are hit by a bludger, they must drop the quaffle.) The keeper's job is to protect the three goalposts, while the seeker must capture the snitch -- a sock stuffed with tennis balls carried by a person (typically a cross-country runner) dressed in gold. Capturing the snitch nets an additional 30 points and ends the game.

You know, different strokes for different folks. I spent my college career drinking and doing drugs, but Quidditch sounds fun too. And by fun I mean I was thankfully never violated by a broomstick in college. That came later. And splintery.

Not Harry Potter? Not a Problem [butoday]

Thanks to Brett and Hailey, who aren't allowed to play because they can fly.

Oct 23 2008 Learning is Fun!: The Star Wars Alphabet

If you're anything like me, you taught yourself to read off the back of a cereal box you had to use as a pillow (or, alternatively, newspaper sheets). Rough times. But look at me now -- shit, still rough times. Anyway, this is some cute Star Wars alphabet art. As you can see, A is for Ackbar. I went through the whole set and picked out a couple of my favorites, which you can see after the jump. No, which you WILL see after the jump. Going through them all took upwards of twenty clicks, and I'll be damned if I clicked in vain. Repent, dear reader, repent! But seriously, who do l pay to get my sins absolved?

Hit it for two more and a link to the worthwhile gallery.

Continue Reading " Learning is Fun!: The Star Wars Alphabet "

Sep 12 2008 UK University Offering Course In Jedi

Queen's University Belfast in Northern Ireland is offering a course in Jedi this semester.

According to its publicity material, the course, Feel the Force: How to Train in the Jedi Way, teaches the real-life psychological techniques behind Jedi mind tricks.

It also claims to examine the wider issues behind the Star Wars universe, like balance, destiny, dualism, fatherhood and fascism. The course will provide students with the fundamental building blocks they'll need to succeed in careers like never having sex.

Sign me up!

Bring your own light sabre: Uni launches Jedi course [abc]

Thanks to Miriam, who actually trained the very first Jedi.

Sep 5 2008 UPDATE: Now With Video And Cat Picture: Helicopters Teach Themselves To Fly, Hilarity Does Not Ensue, PEW PEW PEW Does

Mad scientists at Stanford have created helicopters that can teach themselves to fly difficult acrobatic maneuvers simply by watching another helicopter perform them. Start building that bunker.

The dazzling airshow is an important demonstration of "apprenticeship learning," in which robots learn by observing an expert, rather than by having software engineers peck away at their keyboards in an attempt to write instructions from scratch.

"I think the range of maneuvers they can do is by far the largest" in the autonomous helicopter field, said Eric Feron, a Georgia Tech aeronautics and astronautics professor who worked on autonomous helicopters while at MIT. "But what's more impressive is the technology that underlies this work. In a way, the machine teaches itself how to do this by watching an expert pilot fly. This is amazing."

Jesus, so all the robots need is one crazy asshole to teach them how to do something, and it's goodbye humanity. This is depressing. So, to cheer you back up, I'll tell you a funny story.

I'm working from home today and one of the cats (affectionately known as The Terrorist) won't leave me alone. He keeps trying to pull the keys off my keyboard while I type. So I lightly squeezed one of his back legs to see if it was big enough for a meal, and you know what the little Kitler did? He dribbled a little wet shit out his cookie cutter -- just to spite me. Then I had to chase the bastard around the house with a paper towel for five minutes trying to wipe it out of his fur before he sat on something. And that, dear reader, is my life. Happy lunch!

Hit the jump for a picture of the loveable little a-hole after I pawcuffed him.

UPDATE: Video added after the jump, thanks to Whitey, who's way paler than you are.

Continue Reading " UPDATE: Now With Video And Cat Picture: Helicopters Teach Themselves To Fly, Hilarity Does Not Ensue, PEW PEW PEW Does "

Aug 18 2008 Cool!: The Periodic Table Of Videos

The Periodic Table of Videos is a project created by University of Nottingham professor Martyn Poiakoff and video journalist Brady Haran to teach the masses all neat facts about the various chemical elements. This is a teaser trailer here, but you can go to their official website for 118 different videos, with more to come soon. Damn, this reminds me of my high school chemistry class. Oh, the joy I'd experience when I made something explode. Oh my god -- and don't even get me started on my lab partner's monster rack. The poor bastard had man-tits!

Periodic Table of Videos Makes Chemistry Extremely Watchable [gizmodo]

Aug 13 2008 Uh-Oh: Robot Controlled By Rat Brain Cells

Some idiotic scientists at Reading University have developed a robot that is controlled by rat brain cells. Run for your life!

The neurons are now being taught to steer the robot around obstacles and avoid the walls of the small pen in which it is kept. By studying what happens to the neurons as they learn its creators hope to reveal how memories are laid down.

As the cells are living tissue, they are kept separate from the robot in a temperature-controlled cabinet in a container pitted with electrodes. Signals are passed to and from the robot via Bluetooth short-range radio.

The brain cells have been taught how to control the robot's movements so it can steer round obstacles and the next step, say its creators, is to get it to recognize its surroundings.

Apparently they then plan to disrupt the memories in an attempt to recreate Alzheimer's and Parkinson's like conditions. Now I'm all for the better understanding and curing of disease, but please, for the love of the human race, please be careful you crazy assholes! One time my mom found a rat in the basement and it was my job to try to beat it to death with a broom. You know what it did? The little f***er bit me. Now if he had been controlling a BigDog, I'd have been a goner. Just saying, have you ever seen The Matrix? I haven't, is it worth renting?

Hit the jump for a short video of the rat-brained robot in action.

Continue Reading " Uh-Oh: Robot Controlled By Rat Brain Cells "

Aug 7 2008 We're All Gonna Die! (Just Kidding, Nothing To Worry About): Robots Learn How To Move

Despite their better judgment and several threatening letters from yours truly, researchers in Leipzig, Germany are writing software that allows robots to teach themselves how to move. This is great news.

The software mimics the interconnected sensing and processing of a brain in a so-called "neural network". Armed with such a network, the simulated creatures start to explore.

The network then sends out signals to move in a particular way, and predicts where it should end up, based on that movement. If it encounters an obstacle such as itself, a wall or the floor, the prediction is wrong, and the robot tries different moves, learning about itself and its environment as it does so.

This approach is far more flexible than traditional programming, in which movements are painstakingly planned out in a well-defined space. As conditions change, so can the robot's behavior.

Uh-huh. Now I'm not saying there's nothing to worry about here, but seriously folks, these robots could never figure out how to wield a knife or gun. And I'm not just saying that because I want plenty of robot-fodder standing around while I make my escape to the moon. Wait, yes I am. Gotta look out for #1.

Hit the jump for a video simulation of a dog learning to jump a fence and humanoid dancing.

Continue Reading " We're All Gonna Die! (Just Kidding, Nothing To Worry About): Robots Learn How To Move "

Jul 3 2008 Medical Manikin Is Pretty Freaking Disturbing

This is an old dude with really saggy tits and yellow wires hanging out of his arm. He comes with interchangeable two penis and vagina attachments and is used to train doctors how to play dress up with a plastic dummy. See, there's a wig and everything. Accessories include two bottles of everclear, a sports drink, and some syringes. If you want one of your own to get freaky with they're available for around $1,000. Also, if you want to play doctor I will play with you.

Medical Manikins Freak Us Out [gizmodo]

Mar 25 2008 Really Awesome Alphabet Pop-Up Book

ABC3D is a pop-up book featuring the alphabet. Each letter is displayed in a creative way. I watched the video two times. I really liked the music too. They're available for pre-order on Amazon for $20, which isn't too bad. Unfortunately you can't use it to teach your children the alphabet because then they'll never be able to recognize letters in 2D.

Popup by Marion Bataille [fubiz]

Thanks to Romain, who can spell anyone's ass off, for the tip

Aug 31 2007 Magical Pen Turns Analog to Digital

The Fly Fusion pen ($80) may look like just another vibrator, but this one is special. When used in conjunction with the $8 Fly Fusion Notebooks, it can magically convert your analog notes and doodles to digital format! The technology behind this breakthrough is called very tiny dots. These dots, almost imperceptible to the human eye, are all too clear to the pen, which uses them to figure out what the hell your chicken scratch is. The pen can also play MP3's and games and there is a slew of software available to teach you different subjects like algebra and French. While this product comes highly recommended, who the hell takes notes anymore? I never took notes in college, I just took digital pictures of the chalkboard whenever the teacher wrote something. And a bunch of the big breasted co-ed next to me, because, well, I'm a booby fan.

Product Site [thanks to Cygnus the Magnificent for the tip]