Nov 12 2009 Early Computing: Children's New Alphabet

Is this how today's children learn the alphabet? No. Is this how tomorrow's children will learn the alphabet? Probably not. Is spanking the best way to teach your children things? My parents thought so, and look how smart I am. Well, you can't physically SEE how smart I am. What you're looking at is called handsome.

How Today's Kids Learn The Alphabet [verybored]

Thanks to Nick, who learned the alphabet the old fashioned way: he didn't. His tip was nothing but wingdings and a link!

Nov 5 2009 That Can't Be Good For His Knees: DS Player

This man, who could be any of us (BUT TOTALLY ISN'T ME, I SWEAR) was caught playing a demo Nintendo DS at Wal-Mart on his knees. DS'er, on his knees *snicker* ENOUGH -- this is not the time for your pervy laughter! This IS the time to take up a collection and get this poor bastard a DS. And, if there's anything left over, Rogaine and a spray tan.

World Of Walmart [peopleofwalmart]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who once got caught taking whippits in the dairy isle AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM?!

Nov 4 2009 Suck It, Mad Men!: Awesome Play-Doh Ads

This is a series of amazing Play-Doh ads that were spotted in a magazine in Singapore. They were only printed a single time, because when parent company Hasbro caught wind that somebody in their Singapore office had approved the ads, they shit Play-Doh. Then it hit the fan. Now it looks like Mr. Bill exploded in their office.

Hit the jump for four more awesome ads, and a link if you want to read about the ado the campaign caused.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Mad Men!: Awesome Play-Doh Ads "

Nov 2 2009 Whittlin': Guns Carved Into Old School Desks

Ben Turnbull is a London-based artist that hates America (USA! USA! USA!) and whittles guns into old wooden school desks. I smell a detention slip!

Ben Turnbull is fascinated by the global dominance of American culture, and his works unsettling effects result from re-presenting the toys of our innocent youth in symbolic forms that reveal the shocking truths about war, death and guns in the world's most powerful country. Turnbull is a passionate critic of the contemporary American political system, and explains why toys are central to his work: 'Force fed on violence, abused by a controlling superpower and blackmailed through patriotism, the public are ultimately as disposable as the toys they once played with'.

Damn Ben, why don't you tell us how you really feel? Over a spot of tea with your queen while I whip your crumpet-munching ass! Jingoism FTW! I'm serious, meet me behind the pub.

Hit the jump for five more.

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Oct 16 2009 Okaaaay: Children's Giant Gaping Jaws Shirts

These are two $25 hoodies designed by Mouthman that, when a child crosses their arms, appear as though they're going to eat you. Now I know that one's a dinosaur, but rest assured I would never make out with a child's elbows. Seriously. You know, that pose reminds me of middle school when you'd wrap your arms around yourself like that and pretend you were making out with someone against a bank of lockers. Except it was just you, and the other kids would start laughing. But not with you, AT you. And then the tears would start to fall. I just wanted to fit in so bad!

Mouthman Hoodies (with a whole bunch of other designs)
via
Huge fanged mouth hoodies [boingboing]

Thanks to b00m, Peter and Aubrey, who don't wear hoodies because they mess up their beautiful manes. RAWR!

Oct 15 2009 UPDATE: 6-Year Old (NOT) Floating Around In Homemade UFO Balloon

That's no 'Get Well' balloon, that's a 20' foil aircraft with a 6-year old boy inside, floating aimlessly 8,000 feet above eastern Colorado. Uh-oh.

The helium balloon was tethered to the boy's family home in Fort Collins, the Larimer County Sheriff's Department said. The boy got into the craft Thursday morning and undid the rope anchoring it.

Margie Martinez of the Weld County Sheriff's Office said a sibling saw the boy climb into the basket before the balloon took off. Since the door on the balloon was unlocked, Martinez said it's possible the boy had fallen out.

"The structure at the bottom of the balloon that the boy is in is made of extremely thin plywood and won't withstand any kind of a crash at all," said Erik Nilsson, Larimer County emergency manager, according to CNN affiliate KMGH.

Great, so he either fell out or won't survive the crash. Hooray for positive thinking. Come back down safely, balloon boy.

UPDATE: No boy when balloon landed. Not good.

UPDATE UPDATE: Falcon (the boy's actual name) was found hiding in a box in the garage attic (great search effort). This calls for celebration! (you hold him down, I'll tie on the fireworks)

6-year-old Colorado boy floats away in balloon [cnn]

Thanks to Jimmothy, stacy, jordana, dorothy, NICKSTER, rya, Jake, e.,The Superficial Writer, steven, Nigel, Valhalla, Lizzie, Noah and pepe la PEW PEW, whose parents thankfully never let them play around giant UFO balloons unsupervised.

Oct 15 2009 Didn't Need To See That: Hello Kitty Anatomy

Ever wonder what was inside Hello Kitty? Me neither, I just assumed it was hairballs and maybe one of those toy mice. Boy was I wrong -- apparently she has guts. Aaaaaah I just want to lick them!

As part of the Dr. Romanelli x Hello Kitty collaboration we see the release of the "Anatomy" toys. The toy comes in two colorways and features a true Dr. design, revealing the inner organs of the iconic character. The toys have been produced by Medicom Toy.

Wow, so it's a real toy. That's cool. I guess you have to teach your kids about anatomy somehow. And no, NOT BY LETTING THEM SHOWER WITH YOU. Also, I like the Band-Aids on Hello's heart, I thought that was a nice touch. TELL ME WHO HURT YOU, KITTY, I'LL KILL THEM! Also, I'm no vet but you might not what that turd floating so close to your vital organs.

Hit the jump for the other color and a shot of the two models together.

Continue Reading " Didn't Need To See That: Hello Kitty Anatomy "

Oct 14 2009 Live Action Mario, Lou Albano, Dies At 76

Some of you whippersnappers may be too young to remember the awesomeness that was the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, a 52-episode series that come out in '89. But I do, because it was on tv, and tv was my only friend (plus on Fridays there were Zelda cartoons!).

Wrestling fans know him as the WWE Hall of Famer who managed more than 50 wrestlers in his day, with more than two dozen championships won by athletes taken under his wing. 80's music fans might remember him from his appearances in many Cyndi Lauper music videos, including "Girls Just Want To Have Fun", "She Bop", "Time After Time" and "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough." As gamers, we of course remember him as the best live-action Mario of all time.

Sadly, Lou Albano passed away today at 76. He will be missed.

Opening credits to the show on Youtube HERE.
Entire show HERE.

Live-Action Mario Dead At 76 [kotaku]

Thanks to Doctor Steel, Aisha and Gabriel, who promise to send flowers to the funeral. Good looking, guys -- but they better be fireball flowers and not Piranha plants.

Oct 14 2009 Build Your Own Roller Coaster Ride At Disney

No this isn't Roller Coaster Tycoon, this is real life! The "Sum of all Thrills" is a new ride at Disney's Epcot Center that allows children to design their own roller coasters and then ride them in a virtual reality environment with the aid of a giant robotic arm. I smell vomit! No, seriously -- I think a cat puked under the bed.

Epcot on Wednesday opened a new attraction called "Sum of All Thrills," which lets kids use computer tablets to design a virtual roller coaster, bobsled track or plane ride. After inputting their designs, kids climb into a robotic carriage that uses virtual-reality technology to help them experience the ride they've created.

"This is really the next generation -- where there's a lot more personalization involved" in the amusement-park experience, said Eric Goodman, Disney's lead project manager on the ride.

Cool. Of course, I question how much customization you'll actually get to do (I want 30 loopty-loops in a row!), or how much you should actually trust a child with anyway (100% of 0). Just saying, I have the feeling a lot of coasters are gonna end with a giant robotic arm slamming you into the ground repeatedly. YOU KIDS WILL NEVER BE IMAGINEERS!

Hit the jump for a better shot of the last thing you'll ever climb inside.

Continue Reading " Build Your Own Roller Coaster Ride At Disney "

Oct 13 2009 Power Wheels Modded Into Halo Warthog

I was never allowed to have a Power Wheels growing up because my parents were too afraid I'd back over my own head, but that's neither here not there, it's just one of the reasons I have parent issues. Anyway, some lucky tyke's father went and modded his to look like a Warthog from Halo. Sweet!

Fortunately, thanks to the folks at Bungie, we're all that much more knowledgeable about the DIY Power Wheels modder set. All it took was one M12 Light Reconnaissance Vehicle--better known as the Warthog--fashioned from the guts of a Power Wheels miniature truck--a "very used 2001 G3740 Street Scene Silverado," according to its creator.

That creator, flux83, has done a capable job of turning that Silverado into a teeny-tiny Warthog that looks to seat a maximum of two wee Spartans.

OMG how different my life would've been if only I'd had a Warthog Power Wheels growing up! I probably would have been popular in school and maybe even had a girlfriend. And you know what having a girlfriend means! Nagging, LOTS of nagging. Oooooh, swift burn to the ladies!

Hit the jump to see a video of the awesomeness in action and a link to the build page.

Continue Reading " Power Wheels Modded Into Halo Warthog "

Oct 13 2009 Because Crocs Suck: Sweet Dino Shoes

Dinosaur shoes: more erotic than having your junk stomped in stilettos. And now, thanks to Weboo, you can own a pair -- provided you can stuff your man-feet into toddler sized footwear (is it too late to bind my feet?!). Plus, no laces! It was funny, just this morning an elderly woman on the bus asked me if I had a dinosaur shoe in my pocket or if I was just happy to see her. I told her both and winked. She got off at the next stop.

Product Site
via
Kid's Dinosaur Shoes Threaten Bugs With Teeth & Arms [fashionablygeek]

Thanks to Dick, who doesn't wear shoes because he has ninja feet and can walk on hot coals and razor blades.

Sep 29 2009 She's So....Beautiful: How To Fix Your Baby's Misshapen Nog

Let's be honest with ourselves: our children, when first born, are ugly and their heads are all smushed cause they just got squeezed through a vagina like the last of the toothpaste. And by "our" I mean "your" because I don't have any kids. But now there's hope for your little football-head thanks to Cranial Technologies. Basically they'll design a custom helmet for your child that exerts light pressure on their dome to mash that melon back into shape. Plus, they're fully customizable with stickers and paint! For a small fee, I'll even sign the thing like a cast. And for a large fee I'll whip anybody's ass that makes fun of your child's helmet. HELMETS ARE THE NEW HAIR, FOLKS, YOU WATCH!

Product Site

Thanks to Jordan, who was born with a perfect shaped head because he burst out of his mother's chest like an alien.

Sep 28 2009 Eat Your Peas: Construction Equipment Flatware For Kids (And Shameless Adults)

This set of Constructive Eating Kids' Utensils costs $20 but some of the proceeds go to funding health services for children. So that's cool. Plus, heavy machinery, how can you go wrong? BEEP BEEP -- back that thing up and dump some mashed potatoes IN MY MOUTH!

Transform mealtime into an educational, interactive construction zone! Construction-vehicle shaped fork, spoon, and pusher-scoop set makes learning to self-feed a fun activity.

* All materials FDA-approved, PVC/Phthalate/BPA-free
* Vibrant colors are stimulating and captivating
* An asset in the development of hand-eye coordination
* Dishwasher-safe
* Paint-free, lead-free

Okay, so they were really fishing for product attributes. When lead-free becomes a sellable product attribute for UTENSILS, you know you've hit rock bottom. That said, how much you want to bet that a study comes out soon touting lead is actually beneficial to a child's development? Trust me, these things are cyclical. Also, I make fake studies.

Product Site

Thanks to Miss Bowser, who feeds her father, King Koopa, with an airplane spoon made from a real airplane.

Sep 25 2009 Force Choke (And Spit Up): Baby Vaders

Apparently these costumes have been around for a while now but I didn't know because I don't have any business shopping for Darth Vader baby get-ups (I just sign the child support checks). But Geekologie Reader Tengku Edzuan decided to take a different approach to child rearing and bought this costume for his son. That's him there. Cute, huh? BUT DON'T EVEN THINK FOR A SECOND HE'S NOT ALL DARK SITH LORD, because he 100% is. I heard one time he caught a stuffed animal eying his binky and Force choke-slammed that sucker into a pile of alphabet blocks. Brutal!

Barf Vader [edzuantengku]
and
Product Site

Sep 25 2009 They're Hugging Me!: Teddy Bear Jacket

This is a jacket made out of teddy bears from artist/designer Sebastian Errazuriz (who also brought us the zipper dress). I like it, it looks really comfortable. Now I know what you're thinking, "I bet that son of a bitch GW still sleeps with a teddy bear!" AND SO WHAT IF I DO? I bet yooooou still sleep with your parents! Kidding, I'd know if you did. HIYO! Your dad's a snorer.

Hit the jump for a couple more sexy shots. I can't help it, I love bears!

Continue Reading " They're Hugging Me!: Teddy Bear Jacket "

Sep 22 2009 Toy Teaches Children About Life And Death

Now I'm not saying this is the best way to explain to your daughter what happened to Mr. Fluffernutter, I'm just saying I can't think of a better one. Your parents: be thankful I'm not one of them. EXCEPT I TOTALLY AM. Your other father and I made you!

Picture

Thanks to Yopoleo, who made has never run over anything but the time limit when giving an acceptance speech.

Sep 16 2009 Mine's Nicer: Dino Van Spotted At Walmart

Ignore the handicapped tag and West Virginia plate, that's not mine. Mine has like quadruple the dinosaurs. You know, to attract more kids because dinosaurs are so awesome. That said, I would still dive into the back of this thing no questions asked.

Jurassic Park [peopleofwalmart]

Thanks to Danielle, gator, Meganologie, Nick B, Greg and michael, who aren't allowed within 100 yards of a toy store.

Sep 4 2009 Gyro Kid's Bowl Makes Spilling More Difficult

Let's face it: kids were born to make your life a living hell and wreak havoc on your house and mental health whenever possible (note: this is all speculation, I don't actually have any kids. ANYMORE -- they're all growed up!). So why not minimize the damage the little imps can do to your kitchen with a $10 Gyro Toddler Food Bowl? "No matter which way the handles of this bowl are turned, the food in the middle stays upright." Awesome. Wait -- is that caramel corn? TODDLERS DON'T EAT CARAMEL CORN!! What are you, trying to kill the little bastard? Cause you know they fetch a pretty penny on the black market. I mean, I'VE HEARD. Firsthand (meet me behind the Dollar General).

Gyro bowl makes it harder for kids to make a mess [dvice]

Aug 31 2009 Disney To Acquire Marvel For $4 Billion

Mickey Mouse, in a power move to impress his ratty love interest Minnie, has decided to buy up Marvel Comics for a staggering $4 billion. With the sale come all the right's to Marvel's cache of over 5,000 characters. FIVE THOUSAND!

We believe that adding Marvel to Disney's unique portfolio of brands provides significant opportunities for long-term growth and value creation," Disney president and chief executive Robert Iger said.

"We are pleased to bring this talent and these great assets to Disney."

"Disney is the perfect home for Marvel's fantastic library of characters given its proven ability to expand content creation and licensing businesses," said Marvel chief executive Ike Perlmutter.

I mean, way to go and all, Disney, but this was a pretty foolish business decision if you ask me. What in the hell are you gonna do with 5,000 Marvel characters? You should have just bought the 30 cool ones.

Disney to buy Marvel in $4bn deal [bbcnews]

Thanks to Reverend Faux, Lomig, Jason, Aaron, Lauren, Cade, A Girl Named Michael, draw and jawn, who have all puked on different Disney rides, including It's A Small World (it was Jason!).

Aug 4 2009 Voltromas The Transforming Tank Engine

I like trains, and not just because they go CHOO CHOO. I also like the hobos that jump on them! THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME, OKAY? Anyway, this is a Thomas the Tank Engine/Voltron mashup toy available from Singapore for around $8. It is in no way shape or form licensed or legal. But it is cool. Everybody's calling it a Transformer but it is clearly a throwback to Voltron. Who, despite being a robot, I still liked as a child because he was rainbow colored and, damnit, I'm a sucker for a rainbow. One time I even got a girlfriend to dress up as Rainbow Bright on Halloween. And not to brag, but she did go home with the handsomest pirate at the party. I was one sad ninja turtle. :(

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " Voltromas The Transforming Tank Engine "