Nov 18 2009 Ninja Fail: Overconfident (And Drunk) Ninja Attempts Fence Jump, Ends Up Impaled

A drunk and overzealous ninja, who may be the guy in this picture but was probably the kid in this video, attempted jumping over a fence in Seattle, Washington, only to impale himself on a pole. I knew about buttpirates, but who knew there were buttninjas too?! You're no drunken master!

Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.

Listen, as a public service to you Geekologie Readers that think you might be ninjas, I've got news for you: you're not. You don't wear Velcro shoes so you can be ready to strike at a moment's notice, you wear Velcro shoes because you never learned to tie regular ones. And the katana set you bought at the kiosk at the mall? You've cut yourself playing Ninja Turtles, haven't you? The prosecution rests.

Police: Would-be Seattle
ninja impaled on fence [googlenews]

Thanks to Michelle loves ninjas drunk or otherwise, Rachel, Justin, Fluffy Frontstein, wes, Sally and Lizze, who actually are trained killers and could have easily cleared that fence.

Oct 22 2009 I'm A Ninja, I Can Do That: Crazy Trampolining

This is a video of Oli Lemieux doing some wild ass trampolining plus wall walking and other ninja-y stuff while practicing for a Cirque du Soleil show. It's pretty cool but I could do it all twice as good but I would never film it because I'm modest. Also, the most handsome man on the planet.

Youtube

Thanks to The Gurr, MoD, Asbo and Jennie, who once jumped so high on a trampoline they showed up on radar and the government shot missiles at them.

Sep 16 2009 Uh-Oh: Little Robot Can Jump 25-Foot Fences

Boston Dynamics, a company best known for heralding the apocalypse with their futuristic death machines, is at it again -- this time manufacturing the Precision Urban Hopper.

Most of the time, the shoebox-sized robot - which is being developed for the US military - uses its four wheels to get around.

But the Precision Urban Hopper can use a piston-actuated "leg" to launch it over obstacles such as walls or fences.

The semi-autonomous, GPS-guided gadget could be used for surveillance in urban environments.

The robot is allegedly able to clear obstacles up to 25-feet high. Which is exactly why I built a 26-foot fence around my anti-robot compound. And dug a moat. Which, FYI, is filled with deadly water dragons. But not luck dragons -- Falcor doesn't like to get wet! But he does like to get high. You're so soft, Falcor. Plus you have a puppy face.

Military robot 'hops' over walls [bbcnews]
and
Youtube

Thanks to TobyRaider, Bobby, JKirchartz, Kelly, Lomig, Kyle, Laux, Jennaiii, shiny bathtub, shawn, Nikki, Fritz, Gonk Assassin, Mark, Spikey DaPikey, prestone, Matty, 2MechanicalArms and Laurent who can't even jump out of bed in the morning. It's called depression, folks, and I have it too.

Aug 4 2009 Spaceball: Suck It, You'll Never Be Hallball!

Spaceball is hands down one of the most ridiculous looking games I've ever seen and costs $700. Plus, it sucks to always have to go retrieve the ball when you throw it out of the court. If you can call it a court. Which I just did, SO IT'S ALL GOOD BABY. Basically, you bounce around in there like an idiot and try to throw the ball through the hole in the middle and past your opponent. WHEE! Plus, it's endorsed by astronauts.

According to former astronaut Scott Carpenter, it's "the best conditioning exercise for space travel."

Yeah it is. Because if there's one thing I've learned about space travel it's how similar it is to jumping around on a trampoline and trying to peg your friend in the face with a rubber ball. No -- two men, a ball and a hole -- this is more like that game I play in the truck stop bathroom.

Spaceball: Like Basketball, but More Expensive and Ridiculous [gizmodo]

Jun 8 2009 Evading The Red Army: Russian Freerunning

Not to be outdone by wicked sickness that is ninja boy, this is an older video of some wicked Russian freerunning/climbing. It's pretty impressive and if I had even half those moves I would have spent a lot less in the slammer learning about love and relationships and bartering one's ass for cigarettes. Regardless, I think we can all agree that the world would be a much different place now if the Ruskies had this intelligence during the Cold War. Read: I'd be drinking vodka right now. Wait, I am drinking vodka right now. I HEART YOU RUSSIA!

Send me a bride.

Youtube

Thanks to AmericanKGB, who may or may not be working both sides. I suspect he is.

Apr 30 2009 Cat Jumping In And Out Of A Tall Box

Sure it may sound boring, but it's actually entertaining to the power of illegal Mexican fireworks. The first minute of the video shows the cat figuring out how to get IN the box, but the second half is him jumping OUT, which is the awesome part. Watch him launch out at 1:17 (or -0:40 if the timer is counting down) and tell me that's not awesomest thing you've seen all morning. Because if it's not, well, apparently you've already seen some pretty wicked stuff today. Holla atcha boy with a tip, yang.

Cat In A Box [yahoovideo]

Thanks to Conor, who tried training his turtle to jump out of a box but it never would.

Mar 31 2009 Ooh, Pouchy: Carry Your Kid Like A Kangaroo

You know, or an alien bursting out of your chest. The Peekaru is an $80 vest that makes you look and feel like a wallaby. BOING BOING BOING! Look at you -- you're Tigger! Well, if Tigger were a kangaroo and didn't hang out with that Debby Downer Eeyore all the time (seriously, kill yourself already). But note: The Peekaru doesn't actually hold your kid, you have to have a baby carrier on, it just keeps them warm and makes it look like they're a joey.

Let a Peekaru Original simplify the process of getting out of the door. Wear your Peekaru over any baby carrier and you're ready for cooler weather. Add a coat and you're ready for winter. Whether it's a crisp fall evening walk, a winter carnival, or a springtime parade, the Peekaru will keep your baby toasty warm without the clutter.

Say, you know what else keeps babies warm without the clutter? Coats. Yeah, and that way they don't have to be strapped to your teat the whole time either. Just saying, sometimes daddy needs a suckle too.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " Ooh, Pouchy: Carry Your Kid Like A Kangaroo "

Mar 13 2009 People Still Pogo?: The Flybar Pogo Stick

Sorry for the delay folks, I just got back from the doctor for a checkup. Yeah, and you know that whole 'turn your head and cough bit'? Well, the doctor didn't properly anticipate the weight of my nuts and broke his wrist. True story. Anyway, the Flybar is a ridiculously stupid looking pogo stick that allegedly bounces higher than a regular one.

It does this using some seriously strong elastic bands known as rubber thrusters that increase the maximum bounce height to a whopping seven feet six inches. You can snag a Flybar of your own for a whopping $320.

Pfft, forget the Flybar -- I've got four-and-one-quarter inches of rubber thruster for you right here. *squeak squeak squeak* Anybody?

Flybar is one seriously juiced up pogo stick [dvice]

Mar 9 2009 Kangaroo Broke Into Home, Mistaken For Ninja

A kangroo recently broke into the home of Beat Ettlin while he and his family were sleeping. He mistook the kangaroo for a ninja and began to pummel the 90lb beast.

The 42-year-old told Sky News Online: "I just saw this black thing. I thought it was a lunatic ninja, an intruder. It just fell on top of us on the bed.

Finally, Beat was able to subdue the kangaroo in his son's room, and kick the leggy bastard out the door.

"When I got in there, it was against the wall by the window, trying to get out I think so I just jumped on top of it. I got him in a headlock and pressed him to the ground.

"I had to open the door with one hand, pressing the kangaroo to the wall with the other hand. Finally, the door opened and I could actually release it.

Good looking. Of course, how could you not kick a kangaroo out of your house with a name like Beat? That would be like being named POW and getting your ass kicked by a koala that broke in through the attic.

Oz Dad Fights Off 'Lunatic Ninja' Kangaroo [skynews]

Thanks to Alex, Jazzy 8 Ball, and Victoria, who have all punched ninja-roos in the pouch and lived to tell about it.

Nov 21 2008 Record Base Jump Off The Burj Dubai

Two thrillseekers snuck into the Burj Dubai in May while it was being built and jumped off at 650 meters up. You know, because they're crazy. Crazy risk takers. Rumor has it one of the guys even went as far as to have sex with a prostitute without putting a jacket on first. Yeah, and there was a frost warning in effect!

Two Guys Jumped Off the Burj Dubai and Lived to Tell About It [gizmodo]

Jul 25 2008 Man Jumps From Helicopter, Catches Marlin

This is a video of a guy helicopter fishing, or heli-fishing, or jumping out of a helicopter onto a Marlin if you're not into the whole brevity thing. Allegedly it's real, but there were a couple things that made be believe otherwise. Like the guy filming in the water is already right freaking there (I think he tranquilized the fish), and jumping onto something with a spear-nose seems dangerous. Nevermind, people are always doing stupid, dangerous shit. So I guess that makes it real. I'm trying it.

UPDATE: Turns out I don't live near the ocean, gonna have to improvise. Oh oh -- got it!

UPDATE UPDATE: Okay, I jumped off the top of the bedpost onto a whale and finally caught it. Not the whale, herpes.

Have a great weekend everyone, XOXO.

Mad Aussie Guy Catches a Marlin from Helicopter [gizmodo]

Jul 8 2008 Jump Out A Window: The Wizard Escape Pack

Look around. See any flames? Take a whiff. Does it smell like smoke? Take your iPod's earbuds out. Is there a fire-alarm blaring? If so, strap on the Wizard safety pack, attach the end of the lifeline to something sturdy (no, not your computer monitor) and then dive out a window. Now sit back and piss your dress pants while the Wizard's 250-meter cable lowers you safely to the ground. Designed by HJC Design, the promises an "automated public safety solution with up to 250-meters of reciprocating lifeline technology." You just better hope a co-worker wants your attach point and disconnects your line before you hit ground level (lest you hit ground level at a break-neck velocity). That's why I'm sticking to plan A: my trusty hang glider. Sure it takes up the entire men's bathroom, but seriously, would you rather be safe in the event of an emergency or urinate in your coworker's desk drawers? Ahhhhhhhhhh, exactly. *zip*

Wizard escape pack: too late for MacGyver, too conceptual for Bauer [engadget]

Thanks Julian, I'm thinking we'll use these to escape the strip club without paying our tab

Jun 25 2008 Sky Ceilings: Like Sky Lights, But Depressing

Sky Ceilings are probably an old as hell idea. So old. Your mommy probably read you a news story about them when you were a child. Yet, here they are -- weird. Sky Ceilings were designed to mimic daylight and change with the time of day from sun up to sun down. They're for people like me that work in Cubeville and don't see the light of day unless they sneak up to the roof and contemplate jumping. Which I do frequently. The sidewalk just looks so appetizing from up here. Oh -- here comes The Superficial Writer, late as always and trying to sneak in the side door. *hooccckkkkkkkk*

Sky Ceilings make you feel like you're outside even when you're not [dvice]

Jan 2 2008 Titanium Springs Make Shoes Bouncier

The Titanium Spring Loaded Insoles from Hammacher Schlemmer have five titanium springs in each heel.

Built with five titanium springs that not only cushion and support the foot, these insoles return some of the energy of the downward footfall back up to the body for a "push off" with every stride. The titanium construction ensures the springs will never wear down or lose their shock-absorbing capability. Seven smaller springs under the ball of the foot further disperse the impact and cradle the foot.

All this for only $30! Sounds like it's too good to be true doesn't it? Well it is. I felt their marketing spiel clearly implied that these things give you the power to jump over buildings in a single leap. And that didn't happen. Nope, I didn't even make it over the holly bush in front of my parent's house. Talk about some false damn advertising. I'm suing Hammacher Schlemmer for the cost of Neosporin and Band-Aids.

Titanium Insoles Put A Space-Age Spring In Your Step [ohgizmo]

Oct 1 2007 Robo-Frogs Are Coming, Will Kill Us All

Researchers at the University of Tokyo have developed Mowgli, the scary jumping robot frog. He's scary. He jumps. He's robotic. He will kill us all. He can jump on and off of things about 20 inches high, and can even kick a soccer ball (somehow). At first I thought those protrusions on his head were guns, and while they probably aren't right now, they will be soon. I happen to have never eaten frog legs, so I'm hoping to be spared during the Amphibious Uprising of 2010.

Video of the murderous little bastard after the jump.

Continue Reading " Robo-Frogs Are Coming, Will Kill Us All "