Nov 18 2009 Ninja Fail: Overconfident (And Drunk) Ninja Attempts Fence Jump, Ends Up Impaled

A drunk and overzealous ninja, who may be the guy in this picture but was probably the kid in this video, attempted jumping over a fence in Seattle, Washington, only to impale himself on a pole. I knew about buttpirates, but who knew there were buttninjas too?! You're no drunken master!

Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.

Listen, as a public service to you Geekologie Readers that think you might be ninjas, I've got news for you: you're not. You don't wear Velcro shoes so you can be ready to strike at a moment's notice, you wear Velcro shoes because you never learned to tie regular ones. And the katana set you bought at the kiosk at the mall? You've cut yourself playing Ninja Turtles, haven't you? The prosecution rests.

Police: Would-be Seattle
ninja impaled on fence [googlenews]

Thanks to Michelle loves ninjas drunk or otherwise, Rachel, Justin, Fluffy Frontstein, wes, Sally and Lizze, who actually are trained killers and could have easily cleared that fence.

Oct 22 2009 I'm A Ninja, I Can Do That: Crazy Trampolining

This is a video of Oli Lemieux doing some wild ass trampolining plus wall walking and other ninja-y stuff while practicing for a Cirque du Soleil show. It's pretty cool but I could do it all twice as good but I would never film it because I'm modest. Also, the most handsome man on the planet.

Youtube

Thanks to The Gurr, MoD, Asbo and Jennie, who once jumped so high on a trampoline they showed up on radar and the government shot missiles at them.

Feb 6 2009 Moon, Here I Come!: Scientists Succeed In Teleporting Matter A Whole Three Feet

That's right folks, I estimate in a few short months we'll all be able to teleport ourselves to our favorite vacation spots. Or inside a bank vault -- or the women's locker room! The possibilities I'm imagining are staggering, and, for the most part, illegal. Awh yeah -- breaking the law with science!

No one is galaxy-hopping, or even beaming people around, but for the first time, information has been teleported between two separate atoms across a distance of a meter -- about a yard.

In the Jan. 23 issue of the journal Science, the scientists report that, by using their protocol, atom-to-atom teleported information can be recovered with perfect accuracy about 90 percent of the time -- and that figure can be improved.

Well I would hope that figure can be improved. If 1 out of 10 teleporters winds up with their penis for an arm, well, I want a penis arm! Seriously though, I think we can all agree: this is one small step for man, one ironically giant leap for me never having to move again. Tele-beer me!

Hit the link for a much more in-depth article that better explains the science behind teleportation (read: transfer of quantum information).

Scientist Teleport Matter More Than Three Feet [foxnews]

Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck, Marc and Pete, who once teleported themselves to China to ride in a rickshaw.

Nov 21 2008 Record Base Jump Off The Burj Dubai

Two thrillseekers snuck into the Burj Dubai in May while it was being built and jumped off at 650 meters up. You know, because they're crazy. Crazy risk takers. Rumor has it one of the guys even went as far as to have sex with a prostitute without putting a jacket on first. Yeah, and there was a frost warning in effect!

Two Guys Jumped Off the Burj Dubai and Lived to Tell About It [gizmodo]

Jul 25 2008 Man Jumps From Helicopter, Catches Marlin

This is a video of a guy helicopter fishing, or heli-fishing, or jumping out of a helicopter onto a Marlin if you're not into the whole brevity thing. Allegedly it's real, but there were a couple things that made be believe otherwise. Like the guy filming in the water is already right freaking there (I think he tranquilized the fish), and jumping onto something with a spear-nose seems dangerous. Nevermind, people are always doing stupid, dangerous shit. So I guess that makes it real. I'm trying it.

UPDATE: Turns out I don't live near the ocean, gonna have to improvise. Oh oh -- got it!

UPDATE UPDATE: Okay, I jumped off the top of the bedpost onto a whale and finally caught it. Not the whale, herpes.

Have a great weekend everyone, XOXO.

Mad Aussie Guy Catches a Marlin from Helicopter [gizmodo]

Jul 8 2008 Jump Out A Window: The Wizard Escape Pack

Look around. See any flames? Take a whiff. Does it smell like smoke? Take your iPod's earbuds out. Is there a fire-alarm blaring? If so, strap on the Wizard safety pack, attach the end of the lifeline to something sturdy (no, not your computer monitor) and then dive out a window. Now sit back and piss your dress pants while the Wizard's 250-meter cable lowers you safely to the ground. Designed by HJC Design, the promises an "automated public safety solution with up to 250-meters of reciprocating lifeline technology." You just better hope a co-worker wants your attach point and disconnects your line before you hit ground level (lest you hit ground level at a break-neck velocity). That's why I'm sticking to plan A: my trusty hang glider. Sure it takes up the entire men's bathroom, but seriously, would you rather be safe in the event of an emergency or urinate in your coworker's desk drawers? Ahhhhhhhhhh, exactly. *zip*

Wizard escape pack: too late for MacGyver, too conceptual for Bauer [engadget]

Thanks Julian, I'm thinking we'll use these to escape the strip club without paying our tab

Feb 8 2008 Z-Coils: Go Go Gadget Stupid Springy Shoes

Well not only does this make two spring related posts today, it also makes this Inspector Gadget week at Geekologie, first with the personal copter and now the Z-coil spring shoes. First utilized by a clumsy cartoon inspector in the mid 80's, these shoes guarantee to aid you in your mission of capturing Dr. Claw and putting an end to M.A.D.'s illegal operations.

UPDATE: Okay, it turns out I bought a pair of these online one night when I was drunk and they just came. I've been running around the neighborhood and I've got to say, they're surprisingly comfy. I'm gonna take them out in a minute and do some tests to see how high they make me jump.

UPDATE: Not high enough to clear a bus, somebody call an ambulance.

Scariest Vision of the Future on Two Legs [io9]

Thanks to Sebastian, who can jump over buildings with a single leap -- barefooted, for the tip