Aug 3 2009 Tough Crowd On Tatooine: Star Wars Comedy

VIDEO SLIGHTLY NSFW DUE TO A COUPLE BAD WORDS.

This is a video of a stand up comic doing a set at Jabba's palace on Tatooine and bombing miserably. Personally, I thought he was funnier that hell (it's surprisingly serious down there), but what do I know about humor? BESIDES EVERYTHING. People hurting themselves is the best.

Star Wars Stand Up Comic [funnyordie]

Thanks to Cocoa, who once made me laugh so hard I haven't been the same since.

May 4 2009 Uh-Oh: A New 'Zombie' Strain Of Swine Flu

The BBC is reporting a new 'zombie' (H1Z1) strain of swine flu that is capable of resuscitating the recently dead. Holy sawed-off shotgun shit!

After death, this virus is able to restart the heart of it's victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believe to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during "resurrection."

If you haven't guessed, this is fake as hell, but the story looks like a genuine BBC article (see picture). The only catch is it's hosted on another website (bounce.with.me.uk). Still, you can probably trick at least a few of your dumber friends into buying it. And, if they do fall for it (and they are ladies), I want you to convey a message for me: I'm the world's greatest lover.

EU quarantines London in flu panic [bouncwith]

Thanks to herbert, Trin, Alex 'Bloody Shadow' and andrew, who tricked all their friends into drinking the Kool-Aid and are now all friendless.

Oct 20 2008 Hank The Comedic Robot (Should Die)

Hank is a little animatronic comedian built by Ford which runs a comedy act at the State Fair in Texas. I guess you could call him a robot, but I'm pretty sure (SPOILER ALERT: don't read if you still believe the tooth fairy is an actual fairy and not a goblin that touches you while you're sleeping) Hank just stands there waving his arms around while somebody does all his speaking for him from a hidden location. There, I ruined it. The gig is up Hank, you'll never work in this town again.

UPDATE: Now he's a Walmart greeter. I hit him with my cart!

Hank the robot has State Fair auto show crowds laughing, wondering [dallasnews]

Thanks to Ken, who promised to run into him a few times with one of those complimentary Hoverounds first chance he gets.

Jul 31 2008 OLD!: Tracing The World's Oldest Jokes

The University of Wolverhampton recently published a list of the 10 oldest jokes, and #1 dates all the way back to 1900 BC. It, unsurprisingly, was toilet humor.

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

Oh man, that's disgusting. I don't even get it but it still sounds nasty.

Joke #2 came from nearly 300 years later.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

Oh man, I totally want to be a pharaoh. I was a little surprised there weren't any caveman jokes, but apparently they weren't very funny (like yours truly).

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

More like "what barely hangs past a man's pubic hair". Am I right, guys? No? Just me? Damn. Seriously though, I just wrote a joke. What do you call a woman that makes you wait until marriage to have sex because she secretly has a penis? Just my luck. HIYO!

And yes, I added Drew from Office Space to the picture.

World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC [yahoonews]

Jun 17 2008 Gag Pens Help Prevent Unwanted Theft

Tired of co-workers *ahem, Superficial Writer, Iwatchstuff Writer* borrowing your analog writing instruments, only to never see them again? Well the Borrow My Pen? set ($7) aims to alleviate the problem of pen theft. Each features a fictional place of business along with a catchy phrase designed to prevent people from wanting to keep them. Stuff like Van Nuys Center For Cosmetic Surgery, "Specializing in Difficult Gender Reassignments". Clever, but not clever enough. I've got the feeling I'd still get pens stolen with these. That's why I had Sharpie make a set with my own clever phrases. Stuff like: The Geekologie Writer, "If You Can Read This You've Stolen My Pen And I'm About To F***ing Stab You With It" and Center For Infectious Disease, "Free Pen For New STD's".

A Pen That Will Always Be Returned [ohgizmo]

May 21 2008 Promo Vid: How Not To Sell Microcontrollers

I found this promotional video for Texas Instruments' new MSP430 Ultra Low Power Microcontroller particularly funny because I used to work for the company. *TI stock plummets* Basically it's two monster geeks showing how you can run the thing on different fruits (just like the potato clock you made when you were six). However, the main reason I posted it is because it has an awesome scene that starts at 1:20.

Blue Guy: Now if you're watching this on Youtube feel free to respond with your own interesting power sources for the MSP430.

Red Guy: I can tell you a martini works wonderfully.

Blue Guy: But you didn't drink that martini right?

Red Guy: Nooo, of course not, that would violate TI policy. *smile disappears, looks down and contemplates killing himself in the middle of a Texas Instruments promo video*

Freaking classic.

Fruit-Powered Chip Promo Vid Shows Why Geeks Don't do PR [gizmodo]

Feb 28 2008 You Deserve It: Home Installed Bowling Lanes

Are you a bowling fanatic? Does seeing The Big Lebowski give you a boner? If so then you're not invited over to watch it this weekend. Just kidding, you're more than welcome. But if you just plain love bowling and hate having to leave the house to hit the lanes, then how about getting your own installed? United Bowling will install two regulation lanes (complete with pin setter-upper, ball return and computer scoring) in your home for a paltry $88,000. Unfortunately I called and that cost does not include building the necessary 88' x 12' x 10' room. So, yeah. Thought I was going to pull a fast one on them. Nope. I still managed to sneak in the "Do you carry 12lb balls?" joke though. Freaking classic. I'm throwing rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude.

Another picture of the lanes, and a DIY video of some guy that made a 10ft lane in his garage, after the jump. If you watch the video make sure to notice the pin hit the camera at 0:37.

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Feb 26 2008 People Take Full-Sized Desktops Into Starbucks To Use Free Wi-Fi Service

Improv Everywhere, an improv troupe that is always up to some sort of ridiculous shenanigans, is at it again. This time a group of them bring full-sized desktop computers (complete with CRTs) into Starbucks to take advantage of the free Wi-Fi. Oh the hilarity. You should see the looks on the faces of bystanders. They're all totally thinking WTF. What a great prank. Almost as awesome as the prank when I hid under my girlfriend's bed and was going to scare her when she went to sleep. It was hilarious! She came home with my boss and another one of my coworkers and took turns doing them while I cried silently and tried to avoid the bedsprings. Yeah, I got her good.

Video after the jump, along with another one of their improv skits in which a ton of them come to a dead stop in Grand Central Station for five minutes. That one is actually worth watching.

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