Jun 30 2009 I Would Destroy: This WALL-E Cake

If I were in prison and could only have one thing I would want a chastity belt. But if I could have two things I would want a chastity belt and a cake with a file in it. What? I like to keep my nails looking good. Also, looking a little cross-eyed there, WALL-E -- been playing with yourself again?

Wall E Cake is Simply Delicious [walyou]

May 15 2009 Woman Offers Man Baby As Taser Shield

A Missouri woman offered a man her 1-year old child for use as a taser shield when he was being confronted by cops. Now that's solid parenting.

Officers were at an apartment checking on an assault claim made by the woman when a man confronted them, making threats. One of the officers displayed a Taser as the man approached.

Police said the mother offered her child to the man, placing the toddler in the Taser's path. The man, 22, faces two counts of resisting arrest. The woman, 20, was charged with endangering the welfare of a child and interfering with an arrest. She was arrested Tuesday night and placed at the Marion County jail on a 24-hour hold.

Wow, just....wow. Thank God tasers weren't so prevalent when I was a kid or my parents would have probably put an ad in the newspaper. I can see it now:

FOR SALE: One child, male. Large head, cries a lot. Would make a great taser shield.

Mo. mom accused of using child to block Taser [yahoonews]

Thanks to Noah, who knows only teenagers should be used for blocking tasers. Also, lasers. PEW PEW!

Apr 17 2009 Pirate Bay Founders Sentenced To A Year

That's right folks, the four men (Peter Sunde, Gottfrid Svartholm Warg, Fredrik Neij and Carl Lundstrom) most intimately linked to The Pirate Bay, a torrent-tracking portal I know absolutely nothing about and have never visited except to take this screenshot, have been found guilty of breaching copyright laws and have been ordered to pay around $3.6 million and each serve a year in the slammer.

The group that controls The Pirate Bay, launched in 2003, says that no copyrighted material is stored on its servers and no exchange of files actually takes place there so it cannot be held responsible for what material is being exchanged.

The prosecution said that by financing, programing and administering the site, the four men promoted the infringement of property rights by the site's users.

Lundstrom's attorney Per Samuelson told journalists he was shocked by the verdict and the severity of the sentence.

"That's outrageous, in my point of view. Of course we will appeal," he said. "This is the first word, not the last. The last word will be ours."

I don't know much, but I do know I wouldn't want to spend a year in Swedish pound you in the ass jail, because that would involve a whole different kind of pirating (read: butt). Also, $3.6 million in fines? I've probably downloaded that much material myself. Sounds reasonable.

Pirate Bay fileshare four jailed for a year [yahoonews]

Thanks to Joshua, Robert, E of R, Sean and Richard, who don't even know what a torrent is. Isn't that right, guys? *wink*

Apr 2 2009 Today's Awesome Failure Award Goes To....

Well, actually, it's a tie. First, a liquor store robber who probably had his mommy drive him there while he finished his juice box.

Police say a 19-year-old who tried to rob a liquor store sat down and cried after 76-year-old owner locked him in the store. The man was accused of trying to rob Sykes Liquor Store in Trenton Monday night. Police said the owner, who was behind the counter, triggered the lock after the man grabbed a bottle of Hennessy cognac and bolted for the door.

The man then allegedly pulled out a handgun and demanded to be released. But the owner said he saw that the gun was a fake, refused to unlock the door and called police.

Police said the suspect threw away the gun, slumped to the floor and was crying when officers arrived to arrest him.

Wow, that is both sad and awesome at the same time. Kind of like the first time I had sex, but without the -- oh wait, he was crying. Yep, exactly like that then. Next, an idiotic failure at life who called 911 after "locking" herself in her car.

A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana.

"My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said. "Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."

The dispatcher asked the woman if she was able to manually pull the lock up on the door. The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."

Can we please get that woman's license revoked? And also, oxygen supply. If only she hadn't gotten reception....damn you, Verizon network!

Man cries after attempt to rob liquor store fails [yahoonews]
and
Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car [orlandosentinel]

Thanks to Joemo and Jason, who have never cried because when they feel a tear coming they just punch themselves in the eye until it goes away.

Feb 5 2009 Idiot Tries To Strangle Girlfriend With Wiimote

In the latest of video game-themed attacks, a guy tried to strangle his girlfriend with the cord of a Wiimote. And I'll tell you -- he even LOOKS like the kind of guy that'd try to strangle someone with a video game controller. What a quarter-pound of fail.

An Austin man has been accused of trying to choke his girlfriend with the cord of a Wii video game controller after she became angry that he had eaten all of her Girl Scout cookies, according to an arrest affidavit.

The two struggled until they ended up in the living room, where Alvarez grabbed a Wii controller, according to the affidavit. Alvarado was able to free herself and call 911. Alvarez fled the home but was arrested soon after.

First of all, you don't ever try to strangle a woman, that's pathetic. And secondly, if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you never, ever, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, come between a woman and her Girl Scout Cookies. You're lucky to be alive, Alvarez, now kill yourself.

Man accused of choking girlfriend with Wii controller [statesman]

Thanks to Jordan, who once tried to choke his roommate with a PS3 controller. The plan was doomed from the start.

Jan 29 2009 Prison Convicts Capture Selves With Lightpole

How not to escape from a New Zealand prison: handcuffed to another dude, running on opposite sides of a lightpole. Check.

Youtube

Thanks to Ray Doggy Dog and chad, who could have escaped prison like it was a three-legged race.

Dec 7 2008 Man, AKA The Cheeseburglar, Assaults Girlfriend With Cheesy Deliciousness

Vincent Gonzalez assaulted his girlfriend with a cheeseburger. He's currently in the slammer with charges of battery, domestic violence and destruction of deliciousness.

The victim told sheriff's deputies that she was eating with boyfriend Vincent Gonzales in her car when the two began arguing. When she threw his drink out of the car window, he retaliated by hitting her in the face with a cheeseburger. He then pulled her from the car and struck her with the sandwich several more times.

Vincent, you stupid f***. Hands (and burgers) off women. I swear, I have a good mind to beat you within inches of your life with a footlong meatball sub. Eat fresh, bitch!

Man behind bars after hitting woman in face with cheeseburger [kare11]

Thanks to ...In America!, who once hit ....in Canada! with a chili dog.

Oct 31 2008 Kid Arrested For Convincing (Senile) Grandma To Perform In His Ganster Rap Video

The elderly: they're wrinkly. AND highly desirable to perform in homemade gangster rap videos. Who would have known? Not me. But apparently Michael Alfinez, 18, from Lake Worth, Florida, was in on the secret. The youth is serving 18 months in jail for abusing the elderly and firearms charges.

The footage showed Marie Huertas, 85, wearing a full black balaclava and, after repeated instructions, uttering a number of gangsta rap phrases that included expletives.

A sheriff's report said Alfinez had admitted dressing up his grandmother and persuading her to flash a gun and money at the camera.

Alfinez said he got the idea from a Gangstas & Thugs DVD - which show real footage rather younger hoodlums in action - and "knew (his) grandmother could be like that, too, or better".

Wow, that's one cool grandma. Mine just bakes pies and smells funny. Ha, did I mention the cats? There are cats.

US teenager jailed for 'grandmother gangster rap video' [telegraph]

Thanks to ray, whose grandmother can bust a cap better than you can.

Sep 17 2008 Mini Kegs: Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Etsy seller hesslerk is selling this sleek Heineken mini keg amp for $120.

My liver suffered to bring you this awesome amp, don't worry... the beer went to a good cause!

The sleek design and sound quality will blow you away! Works great for Guitar, Bass, and MP3 players. Plugs into a standard wall outlet. The amp has a power switch and volume control.

I want it. I can't even play the guitar and my MP3 player got stolen by a monkey while vacationing in Costa Rica, but I still want it. I mean, I love beer. Which explains why I woke up in jail and had to make up a lame excuse for why I showed up for work so late.

Hit the jump for one more picture.

Continue Reading " Mini Kegs: Not Just For Breakfast Anymore "

Sep 5 2008 Guy Ghetto Rigs License Plate Flipper

Orlando Payano is a Queens truck driver that doesn't like paying tolls. So what did he do? Simple, he jerry-rigged a license plate flipper.

Apparently, Orlando Payano mounted his license plate on a hinged piece of metal then ran an attached cable through his cigarette lighter. When he went through a toll booth, all he had to do is pull the cord and abracadabra! No license plate caught on camera.

Everything was going smoothly until a Port Authority officer spotted Payano's disappearing plate in action. Orlando has denied the existence of the cable system and insists he pays tolls with an EZ-Pass tag. Good luck arguing that to the judge, Orlando. Tip: Now's the time to start working out and/or juicing, lest you find yourself in the slammer with your own EZ-Pass tag -- on that ass.

Ghetto Disappearing License Plate Hack Rigged to Avoid Tolls [gizmodo]

Sep 4 2008 37 Prisoners Caught Hiding Cell Phones In Their Bodies, 7 Require Surgery To Retrieve

In a story that harks back to Captain Sneakapeak and the case of the missing cameraphone, comes this story. 37 Pakistani prisoners at Camp Jail were found to be hiding cell phones in their bodies. All but seven were easily removed. The seven that didn't come out so easily were all smart phones. Those required surgery. Read: removal of the asshole. Just kidding, I don't know what they did. What I do know is I'm starting to get worried why my Bluetooth headset and charger haven't passed yet.

7 Prisoners undergo surgery to remove mobile phones from their butts [newlaunches]

Thanks to Silver Sided, who knows a guy who once snuck an entire phonebooth into jail.

Aug 25 2008 Two Vigilante Ninjas From New Jersey Try To Stop Drug Dealers, End Up Going To Jail

That isn't one of them in the picture. That's a hot female ninja, completely unrelated to the story, but a highly appropriate graphic nonetheless. Anyway, 22-year old Tadeusz Tertkiewicz and 19-year old Jesse Trojaniak were arrested in Clifton, New Jersey, for being the world's worst ninjas.

Calling themselves "Shinobi warriors," the men wore black SWAT-type vests and carried knives, throwing stars, swords, nunchucks and a bow and arrows.

After being arrested early Wednesday in a car on Route 46, the men said they were delivering warning letters to drug dealers and drug users urging them to stop their "impure" activities.

The letters said those who persisted would be stopped with "justified yet, merciful force."

Wow. From an interview with one of the ninja failures:

First we tried sneaking around the bushes, but we couldn't because the bushes were too thick. So we went for the more subtle, just, um, like hit and run approach, where we'd just run in there, slap the letter, and just run out of there as quickly as possible.

Listen, I've got news for any of you would-be Shinobi warriors out there: If your stealthy mission is thwarted by a bush, guess what? You aren't a freaking ninja. Go home and nunchuck yourself in the vagina till you pass out.

Hit the jump for a picture of one of them, along with a link to the news video.

Continue Reading " Two Vigilante Ninjas From New Jersey Try To Stop Drug Dealers, End Up Going To Jail "