Nov 20 2009 Takes All Kinds: Machete-Wielding Taco Thief

The latest in a string of taco-related violence, a masked marauder in Illinois held up another man at machete-point and demanded the poor chap's tacos. Admit it -- if you'd have had a machete you would have done the same thing!

Elgin Deputy Police Chief Jeff Swoboda says a local resident was walking back to his vehicle Sunday night after buying 16 tacos for $41 when a man wearing a black ski mask and a hooded sweat shirt ran up to him.

Swoboda says the masked man waved a machete and took the tacos, but nothing else. He then drove off in an older-model light green car.

Wait a minute -- $41 for 16 tacos? Those must be some good-ass tacos! Say, this gives me an idea. *rummaging through closet for ninja-sword* Ow, shit! Shit shit shit shit shit. Cut myself.

Machete-wielding man steals tacos [abcnews]

Thanks to Annie, who won't cut anyone for anything less than a burrito. *phew*

Nov 17 2009 Some Superhero You Are!: Spiderman Busted

Well folks, this just goes to show you can only dangle from rooftops staring into women's bedroom windows for so long before the boys in blue take notice. For shame, Spidey, for shame. And, on a completely and totally unrelated note that has absolutely nothing to do with this story: I have a used repelling harness for sale.

Spiderman getting arrested [jonahray]

Nov 14 2009 Mario And Luigi Rob Cab Driver In New York

Mario and Luigi, best known for plunging shitters and trying to save the Princess from the evil clutches of Bowser, have turned to a life of crime. Specifically, robbing cab drivers. What's the Mushroom Kingdom coming to?!

At around 4 a.m. on November 1, presumably following a Halloween party, a Staten Island cab driver was assaulted and robbed by four men. It being Halloween, it may have been difficult for the victim to describe the assailants, but two of the men were wearing unmistakable costumes - Mario and Luigi.

A surveillance video, which can be viewed on the NYDailyNews, shows two men dressed as Mario and Luigi wrestling a cabbie for his cash while a third man dressed in a tuxedo stood watch.

Anybody with information about the true identities of the two has-been heroes should contact Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. Oh, and tell her the GW sent you. She doesn't know who I am, and I want you to look stupid.

Men Diguised as Mario and Luigi Rob Cab Driver [tomsguide]

Thanks to Brian, Aron, wes, Cyke101 and sham, who only cosplay for good.

Nov 4 2009 Moron Scores DWI In Breathalyzer Costume

18-year old idiot moron James N. P. Miller (because one initial wasn't enough) scored a DWI (you can't even drink legally!) on Halloween while wearing his 'blow here' breathalyzer costume. Not so good lookin', N.P. Can I call you N.P.? You know I'm going to anyways.

According to a police report, 18-year-old James N. P. Miller, of Cincinnati, was seen driving the wrong way out of the entrance to a one-way street at East Park Place in Oxford.

Inside his car, officers allegedly found an open container of Bud Light in the center console.

Officers also found what was left of a case of Bud Light in the passenger side front seat and in the trunk.

The legal limit in Ohio is .08 BAC--Miller tested at .158. He was cited for operating a vehicle while intoxicated (among other violations) and released to his girlfriend.

I actually know a guy that wore the same costume on Halloween and try as I might, I couldn't get a reading. I dunno, dead batteries or something.

Moron In Breathalyzer Costume Busted For Driving Drunk [gizmodo]

Thanks to Chris, who blew even harder than I did.

Nov 1 2009 Please Stop Breaking Into My Car: "Try Again And I'll Go Gordon Freeman On Your Ass"

Some poor bastard, fed up with his car being broken into, decided to leave this passive aggressive note for the thieves. And not only does he reference Half-Life, THE DUDE KEEPS AN OCARINA IN HIS CAR. ZOMG, do you think he's Link?! Yeah, me neither.

Also, to guy's credit, I added the asterisk to his signature. DUDE MEANS BUSINESS.

Picture

Thanks to gabby, who would have booby trapped the car with Goron bombs.

Oct 15 2009 Abe, Nooo!: Gallery Of Geek-ily Defaced Bills

Because it's illegal and I don't do anything illegal, I've never defaced currency or put pennies on a train track. Nor have I looked at another man's junk while standing at a urinal. Or have I? I totally have -- I do it often!

Peekaboo.

Hit the jump for 15 more presidents dressed as different characters. There are laughs to be had!

Continue Reading " Abe, Nooo!: Gallery Of Geek-ily Defaced Bills "

Oct 13 2009 Pack Me Up, Scottie: An Enterprise Bong

This is a cheap plastic bong made to resemble the USS Enterprise. Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead smoking out of it BECAUSE OD'ING ON WEED IS PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. Trust me, I've tried scientists told me.

*Geekologie does not endorse the use of illegal substances, as they may make you retarded. Ha, good point -- even MORE retarded.

To Boldly Toke Where No-One Has Toked Before [io9]

Thanks to Wilson, who claims he's hit the USS Enterpuffs before and said it was out of this world. Like the moon!

Oct 7 2009 It's About Time: A Fake iPhone Pocket Scale

Let's face it, we don't all sell drugs *whistling*, but we do all need pocket scales. Maybe you just want to know how much a letter weighs before sending it. Or like to precisely measure ingredients while cooking. Or maybe you sell coke and weed. Enter the fake iPhone pocket scale. With a cover that looks unconvincingly like a real iPhone, this has got to be the cheese-whizziest scale disguise I've ever seen (and I once owned a scale designed to look like a Twilight dildo). Geez, make a scale that looks like a book already! That's what I did (I've got what you're looking for). You're not a cop, right? Cause boy you'd look cute in one of those hats!

Hit the jump to see the display case the scale was spotted in, just in case there was any question to its intended porpoise. Porpoise? I'm a dolphin, bitch!

Continue Reading " It's About Time: A Fake iPhone Pocket Scale "

Sep 18 2009 Pathetic: Burglar Stops To Check Facebook On Victim's Computer, Forgets To Log Out

Okay so I just noticed I left the "r" out of "your" in that Facebook update but that's what happens when you stay up till 5 am binge drinking, you know? Also, waking up with strange bruises and an even stranger man in your bed (seriously brah, it's 10:30 -- time for you to go). Anyway, worst burglar ever:

The popular online social networking site Facebook helped lead to an alleged burglar's arrest after he stopped check his account on the victim's computer, but forgot to log out before leaving the home with two diamond rings.

[The victim] told police that someone had broken into her home through a bedroom window.

There were open cabinets in her garage, and other signs of a burglar.

The victim later noticed that the intruder also used her computer to check his Facebook status, and his account was still open when she checked the computer.

Wow, that's almost as bad as the time I broke into a house and accidentally spelled my name out on the fridge in alphabet magnets. Almost -- but this guy is way stupider.

Burglar leaves his Facebook page on victim's computer [thejournal]

Thanks to Joshua, nancypantz, Brian and Fally, who ONLY break into people's places to check their status updates.

Sep 3 2009 How To Rob An Apple Store In 31 Seconds

Just like this. IN 31 seconds the thieves made off with 23 Macbook Pro's, 14 iPhones and 9 iPod Touch. Wow. And did anybody else find it annoying how the reporter was speaking during the video? "Watch again as the thieves show skilled practice at bringing down that plate glass door. And savvy enough to wear masks knowing there would be surveillance cameras ALL OVER THE PLACE." Skilled practice, really? THEY THREW A BRICK THROUGH A GLASS DOOR. "Savvy enough to wear masks"? Jesus, it's not like they trained pigeons to rob the store, they tied bandannas around their faces and this guy thinks they're criminal masterminds.

How to Rob an Apple Store [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Greg, Gino, Sarah and The Superficial Writer, who could have done it in 29 seconds AND snagged a couple iPhone cases.

Sep 1 2009 I LIKE BIG LETTERS: WOMAN FIRED FOR USING CAPS IN A COMPANY EMAIL

Yelling, as you may well know, is a great way to get your point across. And capitalization is yelling's written equivalent. Don't believe me? LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!

An accountant in NZ has been awarded $17,000 NZD for unfair dismissal after her boss fired her without warning for using uppercase letters in a single email to co-workers. The email, which advises her team how to fill out staff claim forms, specifies a time and date highlighted in bold red, and a sentence written in capitals and highlighted in bold blue. It reads: 'To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist.' Her boss deemed the capital letters too confrontational for her co-workers to read after they woke up from naptime.

I love capital letters. I don't want to marry them or anything, but I would go out on a couple dates and maybe slip a big W the tongue. Don't judge me -- I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOU BANG NUMBERS AND SYMBOLS!

Woman Fired For Using Uppercase In Email [slashdot]

Thanks to Jen, who once popped a caps lock in some bitch's ass for frontin'.

Aug 20 2009 Not Worth It: Shop Keeper Fights Laptop Away From Thief WHILE AVOIDING PEWs

This is a video of a shop keeper in Mexico fighting his laptop away from two would be thieves while being shot at. Now I'm not saying this guy has cojones de oro, but I am saying he must have some seriously illegal shit on that laptop.

Store Clerk Dodges Bullet to Keep His Laptop From Getting Stolen [gizmodo]

Aug 10 2009 Man Blames Cat For Downloading Illegal Porn

A Florida man blamed his cat after officials busted the failure at life for downloading over a thousand images of kitty kiddy porn.

Griffin told police he had been downloading music, and that his cat jumped on the keyboard when he left the room. He said "strange things" appeared on the computer when he returned.

He is being held in Martin county jail on $250,000 bond. No word on any charges against the cat.

In related news, all poorly written Geekologie posts were actually my dog. WOOF!

Florida man blames cat for illegal downloads [guardian]

Thanks to twellve, Richard and Chuck Nunchuck, who only blame their pets for missing homework and farting.

Aug 4 2009 Cops May Get Portable Drug Detectors Soon

So apparently law enforcement agencies may have access to roadside drug detectors soon, to determine if you've been been drugging and driving EVEN IF YOU HID YOUR STASH SOMEWHERE REALLY GOOD (read: not your butt, they always look there).

Spit into this little plastic test tube, and you're busted -- any cocaine, heroin, cannabis, amphetamines, and methamphetamine you might be partying with is no longer a secret.

Phillips, a company that makes TVs and all kinds of other techno-stuff, created this sophisticated dope-a-lysing device using nanotechnology, with a clever use of electromagnets and nanoparticles that can separate the sober from the impaired. After 90 seconds, the verdict shows up on a color-coded readout.

Damnit Phillips, you just made it a whole lot harder to talk my way out of a ticket. You know what i told the cop the last time I got pulled over? Me neither, I was high. ON YOUR NATURAL MUSK. Now get over here and let me whiff those pits.

Roadside dope tester on the way [dvice]

Aug 4 2009 Voltromas The Transforming Tank Engine

I like trains, and not just because they go CHOO CHOO. I also like the hobos that jump on them! THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME, OKAY? Anyway, this is a Thomas the Tank Engine/Voltron mashup toy available from Singapore for around $8. It is in no way shape or form licensed or legal. But it is cool. Everybody's calling it a Transformer but it is clearly a throwback to Voltron. Who, despite being a robot, I still liked as a child because he was rainbow colored and, damnit, I'm a sucker for a rainbow. One time I even got a girlfriend to dress up as Rainbow Bright on Halloween. And not to brag, but she did go home with the handsomest pirate at the party. I was one sad ninja turtle. :(

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " Voltromas The Transforming Tank Engine "

Jul 2 2009 Mom Knowingly Helps Pawn Stolen Wii

Two quality parenting posts in a row, whee (literally this time)! Apparently some kids stole a Wii and then had their mom pawn the console so they could split the money. You'll have to excuse me, I'm getting a little choked up just thinking about the quality bonding time they must have spent in the car on the way to the pawnshop.

Police have already arrested 18-year-old Joshua Carter, 16-year-old Patrick Early, and 13-year-old Derrick Henson on felony charges for stealing a neighbor's Nintendo Wii video game system.

However, Early admitted to police that his mom, 41-year-old Maxine Law, helped the teens sell the Wii at a local pawn shop even though she knew it was stolen.

Wow, stealing from the neighbors. That's almost as bad as the time I stole my own watch from myself....
....
....
HEY -- GIVE ME THAT BACK!

Kids Steal Wii, Mom Arrested After Pawning It [wftv]

Thanks to GLiTCH, who once stole a woman's heart. Grody.

Jun 23 2009 UPDATE: 56 Star Faced Girl A Dirty Liar

In an unshocking turn of events that surprised no one, it turns out the tattooed star face girl is a dirty liar and a slag. Okay, I dunno about the slag part, but I've always wanted to say it and figured now's my chance.

Kimberley Vlaeminck, 18, claimed that she'd asked for three small stars but fell asleep during the procedure and woke up with a whole galaxy on her face.

But she has now confessed she knew exactly what tattoo parlour owner Rouslan Toumaniantz was doing but changed her mind later.

She said she lied because her father was "furious".

Pathetic. Of course your father got furious, Kimberley, THAT'S WHAT FATHERS DO. Also, drink and forget your birthday. :(

Tattoo girl: 'I lied about my stars' [metro]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who called this from the beginning because she has common sense can see the future.

Jun 19 2009 Music Downloader Fined $80,000 Per Song

Jammie Thomas-Rasset, the lady in the high profile illegal music downloading story that was in the news a while back, just had her second federal trial and has been charged with infringing 24 copyrights (for the 24 songs she downloaded). She's to pay $80,000 per song, a total of $1.92 million. Shiiiiiiiiiit.

As for Thomas-Rasset, she appeared shaken by the verdict but didn't blame the jury. "They did their job," she said, "I'm not going to hold it against them." She added, though, that the recording industry would never collect the money. "Good luck trying to get it from me... it's like squeezing blood from a turnip."

The recording industry lawyers, though clearly pleased, had no desire to showboat this one. The massive damage award, which increased from $9,250 per song in the first trial to $80,000, might sounds like a "win," but will probably stoke grassroots anger against the industry's campaign... if the music business tries to collect. There are hints that it might not.

Hey, I want to download stuff and not have to pay for it. Now, let's see what she got:

1. Vanessa Williams - Save the best for last
2. Sheryl Crow - Run baby run
3. Reba McEntire - One honest heart
4. Janet Jackson - let's wait awhile
5. Guns n Roses - Welcome to the jungle
6. Guns n Roses - November rain
7. Def Leppard - Pour some sugar on me
8. Bryan Adams - Somebody
9. Aerosmnith - Cryin
10. Linkin Park - One step closer
11. Green Day - Basket case
12. Goo Goo Dolls - iris
13. No Doubt - Hella Good
14. No Doubt - Different people
15. No Doubt - Bathwater
16. Sarah McLaughlan - Building a mystery
17. Sarah McLaughlan - Possession
18. Gloria Estefan - Rhythm is gonna get you
19. Gloria Estefan - Here and we are
20. Gloria Estefan - Coming out of the dark
21. Journey - Faithfully
22. Journey - Don't stop believin
23. Destiny's Child - Bills, bills, bills
24. Richard Marx - Now and for ever

Wow, worst $2 million playlist EVER.

Thomas verdict: willful infringement, $1.92 million penalty [arstechnica]

Thanks to Dave and Pete, who have never copied floppies.

Jun 13 2009 Student Makes Barrel Monster, Gets Arrested

I don't care what you say, that's probably the best life those barrels could have asked for. God knows I've run over my fair share and dragged them home.

NC State student Joseph Carnevale, the artist behind the Traffic Barrel Monster, has been arrested for stealing the barrels and "cutting and screwing them together to make a statue," which apparently is a misdemeanor in North Carolina.

The total cost of the damage has been estimated at $360 and a court case is scheduled for July 21st.

WHOA WHOA WHOA -- $360 for four barrels? What are they, lined with crystals? Sounds like somebody in the barrel making business is in bed with somebody at the department of transportation. And they're doing it.

Traffic Barrel Monster Creator Arrested [jalopnik]

Thanks to Ty, who once made a bong out of a traffic cone.

Jun 12 2009 Gang Uses Stolen Credit Cards To Buy Own Music On Amazon/iTunes, Collect Royalties

That's right, some gang of criminal masterminds operating out of Britain uploaded songs to iTunes and Amazon and then, using 1,500 stolen credit cards, bought $750,000 worth of their own songs, netting them nearly $300,000 in royalties.

Six men and three women were arrested yesterday by 60 officers at addresses in London, Birmingham, Wolverhampton and Kent. A man in his forties, was arrested later.

They are all being held in custody on suspicion of conspiracy to commit fraud and money laundering.

A police source said: "We will not know why they did what they did until we have conducted all the interviews."

Yeah, gee, I WONDER WHY THEY DID IT. Probably the same reason anyone partakes in criminal activity -- to pretend you're a rockstar.

Criminal gang bought own music on iTunes and Amazon using stolen cards [timesonline]

Thanks to ff, who tried to sell a music video on iTunes that was secretly just a video of him fapping.