Oct 29 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Robbery Masks Fail

Want to rob a house? Need a mask? Pfft, just Sharpie your face off like these idiot morons! Note: +2 homoerotic style points to Matthew for opting for a Robin mask.

Police said they had no trouble identifying two men accused of trying to break into a Carroll apartment.

Police were responding to a call about an attempted burglary when they pulled over a car matching the alleged suspects' vehicle. Inside the car, officers found two men with their faces blackened with permanent marker.

Police said the caller described two men with painted faces attempting to break into an apartment Friday night before driving off.

Wow. I haven't seen two bigger bags of fail in a long time. I can't stop laughing! Mmmm, nitrous. Makes me want to go to dental school.

Police: Marker Bandits Arrested [kcci]

Thanks to Kelly, who once tried robbing a house with a bra over her face but was arrested when she got stuck trying to climb through the doggy door.

Aug 9 2009 No, Wrong, No: $32,000 Golden Computers

I don't care if a computer can run a real-time simulation of the Big Bang while playing Crysis at the highest settings and rendering a HD home movie you made of the neighbor's dog humping a stray cat, it shouldn't cost $32,000.

Gaiser High End Design PCs range from $7,820 to $32,300, and it isn't because they've got such great components. No, it's because they have 24 carat parpartial gilding with gold leaf.

Yeah, no. Although, I DID just think of a computer that is worth $32,000. It's called my old laptop, and I'll even sign it for you. And, not to get your hopes up, but it may contain some nudey pics (I'll make sure it does).

Jul 31 2009 Idiot Moron Facebook Geek Test Is Flawed

So there's this alleged 'Geek Test' on Facebook that I took and I scored a 2 out of 10. A FREAKING TWO! Do you know who I am, you stupid Facebook piece of test? Who wrote you? TELL ME WHO WROTE YOU!! Because I am going to beat them within a micron of their life with a science book and then cut them with a laser. Also, as an added Friday bonus, I left my picture up. So in case you were wondering, that's me. TOO BAD I ALREADY CHANGED IT AGAIN, SUCKERS! And if you haven't already, join the Geekologie fanpage on Facebook OR I WILL DRINK THIS CAT.

Link to Geek Test From Geekologie Page

Jun 12 2009 Gang Uses Stolen Credit Cards To Buy Own Music On Amazon/iTunes, Collect Royalties

That's right, some gang of criminal masterminds operating out of Britain uploaded songs to iTunes and Amazon and then, using 1,500 stolen credit cards, bought $750,000 worth of their own songs, netting them nearly $300,000 in royalties.

Six men and three women were arrested yesterday by 60 officers at addresses in London, Birmingham, Wolverhampton and Kent. A man in his forties, was arrested later.

They are all being held in custody on suspicion of conspiracy to commit fraud and money laundering.

A police source said: "We will not know why they did what they did until we have conducted all the interviews."

Yeah, gee, I WONDER WHY THEY DID IT. Probably the same reason anyone partakes in criminal activity -- to pretend you're a rockstar.

Criminal gang bought own music on iTunes and Amazon using stolen cards [timesonline]

Thanks to ff, who tried to sell a music video on iTunes that was secretly just a video of him fapping.

May 29 2009 On Call: Dustbot Comes To Collect Garbage

Well folks, it looks like we're starting Friday off entirely wrong with only stories from the robot front. I recommend running out for beer now so you can stay safely tucked away in your robot-shelter all weekend building a powerful burning laser blaster. I'm not even kidding. Anyway, this is the Dustbot from Italy -- it comes to haul your refuse away. AND YOUR CHILDREN. MWUAHAHAHHAHAHA! What the hell's wrong with me?

The Dustbot can be summoned to your address through a mobile phone any time of the day.

The robot works with a combination of GPS navigation and with a gyroscope to keep it upright. There are also a number of sensors on the machine so it does not bump into anything.

Dustbot's inventors say they hope it will put an end to fixed times for rubbish collection and they say it is designed to work in tightly packed urban areas where large refuse trucks find it difficult to operate.

Anybody here live in Italy? Great, now I know this might sound crazy, but I want you to hear me out. I want you to call the Dustbot to your house. Still with me? Take a deep breath, you can change your drawls later. Now listen: when the Dustbot arrives I want you to pack that bitch full of explosives and kick it off a cliff into the ocean after chumming the water real good to attract sharks. TA-DA! -- two birds stoned at once.

Dustbot the street cleaning robot [bbcnews]

Thanks to Dave Fancypants, who has Bedazzled the hell out of every pair of jeans he owns.

May 23 2009 Uh-Oh: Parents Catching On To Text Talk

Can you believe it? Parents are actually breaking the code of "secret" text speak that teenagers use to talk dirty to one another and make plans to *gasp* smoke the marijuana.

Ever wondered what the secret codes that teenagers are bashing out on mobile phones and computers mean?

Well, wonder no more.

A list of the top 50 acronyms that every parent should know has been compiled and posted onto the internet, MyFox Atlanta reports.

According to the list, a "Code 9" or "CD9" means that parents are nearby.

The words "I love you" can often be difficult for people to say, but the latest way around is by simplifying the phrase to "143".

143 -- really? I'm pretty sure people have has been using that since before Shakespeare. I mean, I used to use that shit in grade school when we only had pagers. Damn yeah I sold drugs!

Hit the jump for the top 50 "must know" phrases.

Continue Reading " Uh-Oh: Parents Catching On To Text Talk "

May 15 2009 Woman Offers Man Baby As Taser Shield

A Missouri woman offered a man her 1-year old child for use as a taser shield when he was being confronted by cops. Now that's solid parenting.

Officers were at an apartment checking on an assault claim made by the woman when a man confronted them, making threats. One of the officers displayed a Taser as the man approached.

Police said the mother offered her child to the man, placing the toddler in the Taser's path. The man, 22, faces two counts of resisting arrest. The woman, 20, was charged with endangering the welfare of a child and interfering with an arrest. She was arrested Tuesday night and placed at the Marion County jail on a 24-hour hold.

Wow, just....wow. Thank God tasers weren't so prevalent when I was a kid or my parents would have probably put an ad in the newspaper. I can see it now:

FOR SALE: One child, male. Large head, cries a lot. Would make a great taser shield.

Mo. mom accused of using child to block Taser [yahoonews]

Thanks to Noah, who knows only teenagers should be used for blocking tasers. Also, lasers. PEW PEW!

May 1 2009 Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Robot

I want these people (if they are people) found, and I want them TERMINATED!

The American Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Robots (ASPCR)

Thanks to Greg, who took some initiative and called the FBI to report a new terrorist threat.

Apr 30 2009 Scientists Create Chemical Gel That Moves On It's Own, Will Power Our Future Overlords

Some foolish Japanese scientists have developed a chemical compound capable of moving on it's own. They're convinced it's the stuff future robots will be made of. I'm convinced I just let one loose in my pants.

A group of Japanese roboticists, led by Shingo Maeda at the Shuji Hashimoto applied physics laboratory at Waseda University, have created a chemical gel capable of independent motion, similar to that of a caterpillar.

Using a process that combines polymers, the material not only moves on its own, but also can change colors and can be used to perform calculations. According to the scientists involved in the project the morphable material could even one day be used as components of a future robot, thus making the notion of the incredibly scary Terminator T-1000 a real possibility.

That's....terrible news. WTF, ROBOTICISTS? Roboticists shouldn't even be a real thing. If I close my eyes and say, "roboticists don't exist" three times they should all disappear, right? Okay, *covering eyes* "roboticists don't exist, roboticists don't exist, roboticists don't exist". There *uncovering eyes* HOLY SHIT -- BLOODY MARY, AAAAAAAAHHH!

Hit the jump for a video of a miniature T-1000 in action.

Continue Reading " Scientists Create Chemical Gel That Moves On It's Own, Will Power Our Future Overlords "

Apr 10 2009 Woman Tries To Break Up Sword Fight, Dies

In the latest of a string of sword attacks, a woman tried to break up her husband and grandson involved in a serious swordfight, and ended up getting stabbed and killed. And that, my friends, is why you always bring a gun to a swordfight.

The fight was reported about 1 a.m. today. Rondeau (39) and Adolf Stegbauer, 69, both of Indianapolis, were "actively involved in a sword fight," IMPD spokesman Sgt. Matt Mount said in a statement. One man used what police described as a World War II Japanese officer's sword and another had a thin blade sword, although investigators were not immediately certain which weapon was used by which man.

Preliminary reports from police said that Franziska Stegbauer, 77, Indianapolis, tried to break up the fight and was fatally stabbed. Police found all three victims inside the residence on Raceway Road when they arrived early this morning.

Police said Rondeau was Franziska Stegbauer's grandson.

Well Happy Easter to you too! Thankfully, tipster Chuck Nunchuck was kind enough to create a graphic of what the confrontation obviously looked like, so that was nice. Good lookin', Chuck, but it could have used some more PEW PEW. Love that stuff.

Woman dies after intervening in sword fight [indystar]

Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck, twice as deadly as that sissy-boy Chuck Norris.

Apr 8 2009 Scorpion/Ant Robot As Scary As It Sounds

The A-Pod is a scary-ass robot built by some A-Hole because his parents didn't play with him enough as a child, and now he's hellbent on robotic world domination. Of course, I suppose it could have been a woman that built it, in which case, witchcraft. Now, where'd I put my pitchfork? Ha, I've been sitting on it this whole time!

A-Pod is an ant inspired hexapod robot with a 2 DOF abdomen (tail), a 3 DOF head with large mandibles. 6 legs with 3 DOF each. Total 25 servos. This video demonstrates body movement and mandible control. I still have to do some mechanical improvements to the legs (therefore little walking)

The majority of the video consists of the robot dry-humping the floor, but there was a little footage demonstrating how easily the bot's mandibles can hold a Coke can or snip off your change purse. Which, be honest, is probably just full of useless Canadian coins anyways. BOOM -- consider yourself metaphored, son!

Youtube

Thanks to Jon and Kevin, who tried stomping the bastard but only lost toes.

Apr 6 2009 Thief Uses Head As Battering Ram, Fails

A would-be thief tried to use his head as a battering ram to bust open the back door of a home in St Petersburg, Florida. He failed miserably. But I loved how he got down like a bull before charging the door, I thought that was a nice touch. Just chalk it up as a learning experience, buddy. One about God not compensating for lacking brainpower with a reinforced skull and spine.

Nutty robber uses his head [thesun]

Thanks to Richie-Con-Carne, who once laid siege to an entire castle wearing a bicycle helmet.

Apr 5 2009 Let Me Guess, Robots Invented These Too: Little Batteries Powered By Human Blood

It may look like the world's smallest golden wallet, but it's actually a cyborg battery. You see, in the future robots will harvest humans to provide the blood they need to recharge their batteries. Well, happy Sunday to you too!

A small colony of yeast lives inside each battery, and this living core of the fuel cell can draw energy from glucose (sugar) in blood flowing around it. According to New Scientist:

The yeast-based fuel cell produces around 40 nanowatts of power, compared to the microwatt a typical wristwatch battery might produce, Chaio says. That might be enough power for some devices if it were coupled with a capacitor to allow energy to be stored. The yeast could also be genetically engineered to boost its power output.

Great news. No really, that's just wonderful. Currently, scientists are considering the cyborg battery for use in pacemakers and other implantable devices, while robots are considering how much blood they need to power chainsaws and laser blasters. But I'll tell you one thing -- ain't no robotic vampire drilling this neck. Eat oak, Dracu-bot! *tink* Oh shit.

Batteries That Feed on Blood [io9]

Thanks to David, Jon and Jamie, who refuse to donate blood to a damn robot.

Apr 3 2009 Uh-Oh, They Don't Need Us: Robot Scientist Makes Own Discoveries Without Human Help

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but if you thought yesterday's fire-breathing robot-baby was bad, you're in for a real treat. Adam, a robot scientist, has officially "discovered new scientific knowledge independently of a human operator." Run for the hills folks, and I'm not even kidding.

The device has already identified the role of several genes in yeast cells, and has the ability to plan further experiments to test its own hypotheses. Ross King, from the university's computer science department, remarked that the robot is meant to take care of the tedious aspects of the scientific method, freeing up human scientists for "more advanced experiments."

Yeah, too bad this robotic bastard is gonna trump all the human scientists. How long until a robot receives a Nobel prize -- two, three years? Then what -- what's the next big discovery?

A: That humans are dispensable.*

*This answer based entirely on The Geekologie Writer's own speculation and ability to see the future when he's high. Also, it might be the booze talking, but it's totally not (it is). YOU ROBASTARDS WILL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! *pew pew*

Thanks to bum master, Chris, Jake, Joemo, Katie, Phil, Austin, Dan, Tank, Adrian, Harrison, two different Jons, Jay, Milkman, adam, Martyn and Charks, who obviously don't care if I have nightmares. Thanks a lot, dicks.

Apr 2 2009 Today's Awesome Failure Award Goes To....

Well, actually, it's a tie. First, a liquor store robber who probably had his mommy drive him there while he finished his juice box.

Police say a 19-year-old who tried to rob a liquor store sat down and cried after 76-year-old owner locked him in the store. The man was accused of trying to rob Sykes Liquor Store in Trenton Monday night. Police said the owner, who was behind the counter, triggered the lock after the man grabbed a bottle of Hennessy cognac and bolted for the door.

The man then allegedly pulled out a handgun and demanded to be released. But the owner said he saw that the gun was a fake, refused to unlock the door and called police.

Police said the suspect threw away the gun, slumped to the floor and was crying when officers arrived to arrest him.

Wow, that is both sad and awesome at the same time. Kind of like the first time I had sex, but without the -- oh wait, he was crying. Yep, exactly like that then. Next, an idiotic failure at life who called 911 after "locking" herself in her car.

A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana.

"My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said. "Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."

The dispatcher asked the woman if she was able to manually pull the lock up on the door. The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."

Can we please get that woman's license revoked? And also, oxygen supply. If only she hadn't gotten reception....damn you, Verizon network!

Man cries after attempt to rob liquor store fails [yahoonews]
and
Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car [orlandosentinel]

Thanks to Joemo and Jason, who have never cried because when they feel a tear coming they just punch themselves in the eye until it goes away.

Feb 27 2009 Rad To The Power Of Sick $2.5 Million iPhone

That's right folks, a ridiculously stupid $2.5 million iPhone complete with 18-carat gold, 160 small diamonds, and topped off with a 6.6-carat behemoth as the home button. The piece is called the 'King's Button' and is available now if you want it. But, if you're looking for something a little cheaper, forget the King's Button, I've got your Peasant's Joystick right here -- $2.75.

World's Stupidest, Most Expensive iPhone Mod Yet Costs 2.5 Million Dollars [gizmodo]

Feb 17 2009 Screw It, I'm Tired Of Living: Crane Pull Ups

This is a video of some joker doing pull ups hanging from a crane that is way up high in the sky. Like a bird, except metal and painted red. Okay, like Bubo, the owl in Clash of the Titans, except he was silver and gold and had beady little eyes. Whatever, I am the Analogy King! Anyway, every time the dude goes back down after a pull up I thought he was going to fall. But he didn't, and that made me very sad.

Youtube

Thanks to The Jerk, who once did two thousand crunches in a row and then puked.

Feb 3 2009 Dinosaurs Running Loose In Indiana

That's right folks, apparently a truckload of raptors got loose in Hamilton County, Indiana, and drivers are being unsurprisingly stupid.

"It's kind of crazy. I'm totally confused," said one motorist. "I'm kind of expecting ... dinosaurs to run down the road, or something."

Only in my dreams, stupid motorist, only in my dreams.

'Raptors Ahead' Sign Gets Stares, Chuckles [theindychannel]

Thanks to Jeff, who got my hopes up and then crushed them like Piggy under a boulder.

Jan 29 2009 Prison Convicts Capture Selves With Lightpole

How not to escape from a New Zealand prison: handcuffed to another dude, running on opposite sides of a lightpole. Check.

Youtube

Thanks to Ray Doggy Dog and chad, who could have escaped prison like it was a three-legged race.

Jan 23 2009 No, No, No, We Don't Pierce The Kitties!

Holly Crawford is a 34-year old sadistic dog groomer that decided to pierce the ears, necks, and tails of some cats and sell them as "gothic cats" on the interwebs. After being tipped off by PETA, her home was raided and she was arrested.

She defended herself saying that she did not see any difference between piercing a cat and piercing a human. She said she used sterile needles and surgical soap and that she checked the kittens several times a day to make sure they were healing properly.

Crawford said her dog-grooming business, Pawside Parlor, has plummeted since the raid and that she has received dozens of nasty phone calls.

Piercing pets -- what the f*** is wrong with people? Please discuss. And as a guy with a Prince Albert piercing myself, I've got to admit: sometimes I pee two streams.

'Gothic' pierced cats sold online [thesun]

Thanks to Kathryn, who knows kitties are for loving, not piercing.