Nov 12 2009 Pfft, I Knew That: Staring At Breasts Is Good For Your Health, Prolongs A Man's Life
This is probably entirely fake and a giant hoax but I don't care because, well, breasts. Also -- don't question my journalistic integrity or I will swell your eyes shut so bad you'd be lucky to squint a nipple.
According to German research published in New England Journal of Medicine, men staring at women's breasts in fact prolong their lives with years.
"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.
For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.
I'm gonna be immortal! Kidding, I don't stare at breasts because I'm a gentleman and wear a top hat. But for the rest of you, go for it. You can start HERE (slightly NSFW, giant tank-topped boobs). I know, it's like a fountain valley of youth, right?
UPDATE: FAKE. But don't let that stop you from trying. Maybe you're the exception.
Looking at Breasts is Healthy [wholefitness]
Thanks to T. Brian, who is probably the healthiest man alive.
Oct 19 2009 South America + Africa = Tyrannosaurus Rex
Proof that God loves dinosaurs, when South America is superimposed over Africa, it forms a Tyrannosaurus Rex head. Now don't take this lightly -- several people died getting this information out, as the Catholic Church has been trying to keep this from us for centuries. Suck it, Dan Brown, I own you!
Thanks to b00m, who found out if you superimpose me on top of a dinosaur you get a picture of me having sex with a dinosaur. Cool!
Aug 17 2009 British Government Releases UFO Files
The British government, in an attempt to cleanse its fish and chip stained hands, has released previously confidential documents regarding little green men who come to stick things in your butt while you're sleeping (elves).
The National Archives on Monday released the government's complete file on the "Rendlesham Forest Incident" of December 1980, one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings.
Halt reported that two servicemen had noticed "unusual lights" about 3 a.m. in the woods outside the gates of RAF Woodbridge, a U.S. base in eastern England. He wrote that patrolmen sent to investigate saw "a strange glowing object" in the forest.The metallic, triangular object "illuminated the entire forest with a white light," he wrote.
The next day, investigators found depressions in the ground and unusual radiation readings. That night many personnel -- including Halt himself -- saw a pulsing "red sun-like light" in the trees that broke into five white objects and disappeared.
I mean, is it not common knowledge by now that aliens exist. Because if they didn't, where did *rummaging around in ass* THIS come from?!? And no, this isn't just a television antennae with aluminum foil wrapped around it. Okay, so maybe it is. Still, there's something else in there, I can feel it...
...
...
...a dinosaur toy -- I've been looking for that!
Britain publishes more UFO files, but few answers [yahoonews]
Thanks to Brad, who once slept with an alien chick and didn't even bother phoning her home the next day. Bad form, Brad.
Aug 5 2009 I Knew It, I Knew It!: Toad Is A Rude Jerk
That's right folks: that no good, mushroom topped jerkbag Toad has been flipping us off for almost 25 years now. And honestly, I'm not surprised. I always got a bad feeling from the guy. I mean, I bust my ass to get through a castle to rescue the princess, AND THERE HE IS ALREADY STANDING AT THE END OF THE LEVEL. Anybody else find that a little fishy? Like, why didn't you save her yourself? UNLESS YOU'RE WORKING FOR KOOPA! *DUM DUM DUM* But seriously bro, I want to eat your head and go to a concert.
Thanks to 4thirty, who once licked like six Toads and then talked to a parking meter for 12 hours.
Jul 20 2009 Chicago Bulls/Robotic Death Army Conspiracy
Let's not kid ourselves, robots are going to to take over the planet and only farm us for use as bio-fuel and cage fighters. And, apparently there has been arobotic conspiracy involving the Chicago Bulls logo for some time. And to think, I used to want to be like Mike.
When I was a child, someone showed me the Chicago Bulls logo, upside down, and pointed out that it was, in fact, a robot sitting on a park bench reading the bible. My little mind was blown. 20 plus years later, I look at the logo and no longer see the bull. Just an upside down robot priest...
Why are they doing this? What do these robot overlords want from us? Please, America. Rise up against the cybernetic oppressors before it's too late!
Finally, somebody talking some sense! It's times like these when I know, despite all you naysayers, that I'm not alone. Although, sometimes, I wish I was. Seriously bro, a man needs some private time. Now toss me that National Geographic on your way out, will you? Not that one, the other one. Yeah, with the dino on the cover.
The Chicago Bulls Logo Conspiracy [rationalreality]
Thanks to b00m, who suspects the Celtics logo was created by the Illuminati to help control sports fans.
Jul 15 2009 'Rad To The Power Of Sick' BMX Bike Actually (Successful) Experiment In Creative Marketing
That's right, the infamous 'Rad to the power of Sick' BMX bike ad on eBay was actually created by a couple guys doing an experiment (The Wicked Sick Project) to determine if some creative marketing could drive up an otherwise regular item's sale price. Obviously, it worked. And, keeping with today's theme of Geekologie's world domination, your favorite website makes a cameo in the video at 2:55. I guess what I'm getting at is this: WHERE'S MY CUT OF THE PROFITS YOU SONS OF BITCHES?! You think the booze that fuels Geekologie pays for itself? You think my girlfriend doesn't make me pay the water bill for staying with her? You think strippers tip themselves just because I'm handsome? Okay, the last one is actually true. Go ahead Savannah, give yourself another single -- you've earned it.
Thanks to mike, whose bike horn alone is enough to get women pregnant.
Jul 14 2009 Cats Manipulate People With Their Purrs
So apparently cats can exploit their caretakers to get what they want through the use of a special purr. I can't say I'm surprised, that's a picture of two of my old cats there (rest in peace, guys). One minute they were purring -- and the next I was teaching them how to read!
Researchers at the University of Sussex have discovered that cats use a "soliciting purr" to overpower their owners and garner attention and food.
Unlike regular purring, this sound incorporates a "cry", with a similar frequency to a human baby's.The team said cats have "tapped into" a human bias - producing a sound that humans find very difficult to ignore.
I dunno, I'm not really that big into babies crying. But maybe that's just my fatherly instincts talking. Read: impregnate and run. What can I say -- I'm a nurturer.
Cats 'exploit' humans by purring [bbcnews]
Thanks to FDSY, Sharkey, RealLifeF***up and Ryan, who are all controlled by an entirely different kind of cat.
This post dedicated in loving memory of The Little Man, October, Jimmy and The Terrorist.
Jul 13 2009 Who Was Right?: 3 PSA's From The Future
Not to toot my own horn or anything but *DOOT DOODLE DOOT* I was right and all you naysayers were wrong. This is a short clip of three different PSA's (public service announcements) that somebody recorded from the future that prove my theories about robots, hyper speed and time machines. Watch them. Then, watch this. WAIT WAIT WAIT WRONG DVD DON'T WATC....THAT'S NOT ME I SWEAR! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GEEKOLOGIE WRITER TATTOO. Just please just turn it off before you get to the alligator pool float part that I, uh, only know about because....shit.
WARNING! Do Not Talk To Robots! [tvmunchies]
Thanks to Rodger, who was the one who traveled back from the future to warn us all. Good lookin', mind if I borrow your keys for a second? Literally, a second. Isn't time travel great?!
Jun 27 2009 MacBooks Made With Space Technology
Here's video proof MacBooks are made with space technology. Now I don't want to ruin it for you, but I'm going to anyways: they are among us. And by they I mean them. The French.
Thanks to Ryan, Geekologie fan.
Jun 25 2009 Stoned Wallabies To Blame For Crop Circles
The title alone might be the most profound thing I've ever written. I smell Pulitzer! So yeah, apparently wallabies are getting into medical poppy fields in Australia and going nuts. Whee!
"The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Lara Giddings told the hearing.
"Then they crash," she added. "We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."
Great, next they're gonna start breaking into cars and selling themselves to koalas to pay for a fix. And right when I was about to visit Australia too. Damn you, junkie wallabies!
'Stoned wallabies make crop circles' [bbcnews]
Thanks to Graf Zeppelin, SquidgyB, Marty the farmer, Ross and Jonny, who can only make McDonald's runs when they're high.
May 20 2009 Human Evolution's 'Missing Link' Found, Surprisngly Not Your Mom. Oooh, Burn!
A 47-million year old skeleton of what is believed to be the "missing link" in human's evolutionary split from tree-swinging, bug picking, shit throwing apes has been found in Germany and nicknamed "Ida".
"This is the first link to all humans," Hurum, of the Natural History Museum in Oslo, Norway, said in a statement. Ida represents "the closest thing we can get to a direct ancestor."
Ida, properly known as Darwinius masillae, has a unique anatomy. The lemur-like skeleton features primate-like characteristics, including grasping hands, opposable thumbs, clawless digits with nails, and relatively short limbs.
Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, I would hit that like a bushel of bananas with a coconut. Ha, what do you mean that's like my great great great great great great great great great grandmother to the thousandth power? AND SO WHAT IF IT IS?
"MISSING LINK" FOUND: New Fossil Links Humans, Lemurs? [nationalgeographic]
Thanks to Matty, Chris, chubo, Andrew, Jon, Dylan and Paul, who have all slept with cavewomen and liked it. Furplay, baby.
Mar 26 2009 Who Will Win?: Bruce Lee Vs. Iron Man
This is a short stop-motion video of Bruce Lee and Iron Man duking it out. Now I don't want to ruin it for you, but I will say there are hobbits involved. Intrigued? Choose your own adventure! If you decide to watch the movie, turn to page 68, if you decide not to watch, turn to page 89.
Page 68: You die.
Page 89: You die and an animal eats your corpse. Actually, it was a dinosaur. You provide just enough nourishment to the beast for a steamy romp in the mud with yours truly. I love it. Your life was not in vain!
Iron Man vs Bruce Lee: FIGHT! [gizmodo]
And a very Happy Birthday to Holly, who once punched Iron Man in his little glow-y thing and then called his mother a robot-lover.
Mar 9 2009 Why Do Terminators Time-Travel Naked?
Because the dude responsible for beaming them up is gay. Just like the original Scotty from Star Trek.* For real, yo.
*This statement based entirely on the time he offered to buy me a drink at the bar.
Feb 26 2009 I Knew It!: Violent Video Games Helps Prepare Children For The Coming Apocalypse
This is an Onion News roundtable discussion on the benefit of children playing violent video games. And as I suspected, violent games do, in fact, prepare the world's youth for the coming apocalypse.
Playing video games all day, alone and friendless, is simply the best way we have to prepare our children for a life of solitude in a barren wasteland.
Finally, somebody speaking some sense. So fret not, parents, buying your children violent video games might just provide them with the know-how they need to survive in the the future. Or, I dunno, bring a gun to school. Either one.
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse? [theonion]
Thanks to Mister Tiddles, who I think might be a cat.
Aug 26 2008 Move Over, Goblin Shark: Robots Are Scarier
I told you. I told you robots would kill us all. This is a clip from a new BBC show, The Wrong Door, which is about robots and how much they want to hurt us. And speaking of the wrong door, I accidentally opened my roommate's after grabbing a snack in the middle of the night. Hello anime comic, hello penis in hand! Hello awkward silence, lifelong scarring, new roommate wanted ad.
The Wrong Door: If Terry Gilliam Directed Transformers as a TV Variety Show [gizmodo]
Aug 1 2008 I'm Thirsty: Mars Ice Melted, Turned To Water
Remember the post about the Phoenix Lander spotting ice on Mars? Well now the brave little explorer has collected a sample of the stuff and cooked it in a special easy-bake oven it has on board. The result? Water.
"The fact that it melted at zero degrees Celsius leaves very little doubt that it is standard water ice," William Boynton of the University of Arizona said. He said sensors also tested the chemical makeup of the vapor and found the familiar combination of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom.
HIYO, we have water! And all it took was a little oven, huh? Well I'll get to the bottom of this Montauk Monster business yet. *jamming beast into oven* What do you think, 4 hours at 450⁰?
UPDATE: Mmmm, starting to smell real science-y. Anybody seen the baster?
Existence Of Water On Mars Confirmed [washingtonpost]
Jul 25 2008 I Told You So: Alien Visitations And UFOs Are Real, Confirmed By Apollo 14 Astronaut
Dr. Edgar Mitchell, sixth man to walk on the moon (in a Hollywood studio, according to my grandmother), is claiming that aliens are real and have made human contact.
'I happen to have been privileged enough to be in on the fact that we've been visited on this planet and the UFO phenomena is real,' Dr Mitchell said.'It's been well covered up by all our governments for the last 60 years or so, but slowly it's leaked out and some of us have been privileged to have been briefed on some of it.
Chillingly, he claimed our technology is 'not nearly as sophisticated' as theirs and "had they been hostile", he warned 'we would be been gone by now'.
An article, along with the whole 9:00 radio interview is posted after the jump if you're interested. But I'll say this: don't believe everything an astronaut tells you. Although he does admit that the majority of alien stories you hear are fake. Ha, reminds me of the time I stuffed a broken car antennae up my ass and called the local news.
Hit it for the interview.
