Oct 15 2009 Wait, Whaaaaat?: Large Hardron Collider Trying To Destroy Itself From The Future

According to a couple nutjobs that I'm actually starting to believe, the Large Hadron Collider is actually destroying itself FROM THE FUTURE to prevent the discovery of the Higgs boson particle. Whoa.

According to the Times, two physicists posit that the reason that the Large Hadron Collider (and, previously, its unbuilt American counterpart) keeps running into problems isn't bad luck or shoddy workmanship. It's that the LHC's quest to discover the Higgs boson--a heretofore only theorized particle that scientists believe is what gives objects mass--is creating problems to keep itself from being discovered:

"A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather."

I didn't even think about that. But now that I do, it makes perfect sense. And by perfect sense I mean none at all. Unlessssss the LHC is actually a giant T-1000! Then we're back to making perfect sense. I think. I dunno man, I smoked weed for breakfast.

Destroyed by Malicious Forces from the Future? [good.is]

Thanks to ffffffffffffff, Patrick, Elizabeth and burntout, who have secretly been sabotaging the LHC for the sake of humanity. Don't worry guys, your secret's safe with me.

Jun 17 2009 A Magical Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

The Magic Missile Massage Bra from Pangao is supposed to make you breasts larger through the use of a little sorcerer and massaging "forceful vibration balls". Yes, forceful vibration balls. Plus, it comes standard with a pretty sweet spiderweb pattern. But what else can it do?

• Make breast up.
• Dredge breast glands.
• Eliminate blood stasis.
• Effectively prevent women from breasts diseases and flaccid
• Also can move fat and make a well-shaped figure.
• If use it often, you can have a sound sleep, immunity from disease and better internal secretion.

Pretty convincing, huh? I know, I just bought thirty and my breasts were already huge! I plan on wearing them all one on top of the other for exponential tissue growth. ZZ's, here I come! I may need a bigger wheelbarrow.

Magic Massage Bra Enlarges Breasts [gizmodo]

Thanks to ffffffffff, who is offering free massages if you're concerned about the safety of using forceful vibration balls.

Jul 23 2008 Meat Gristle Spells "Allah" In Arabic, Is A Sign

This is a picture of a piece of meat gristle from a diner in Birnin Kebbi, Nigeria. A patron was about to eat said meat puck when he noticed it read "Allah". After ransacking the kitchen, an additional three Allah steaks were found.

The meat was boiled and then fried before being served, owner Kabiru Haliru told newspaper Weekly Trust.

"When the writings were discovered there were some Islamic scholars who come and eat here and they all commented that it was a sign to show that Islam is the only true religion for mankind," he said.

Okay, I think you may have gone off the deep end there. I fail to see how Allah gristle indicates Islam is the only religion for mankind. An Allah cheesesteak sure, but gristle?

Hit the link for the BBC article, which also links to two related stories, one of a fish with Allah on it's side, and one of a tomato. And I thought Christians were the only ones that went bonkers over toast and potato chip omens.

'Allah meat' astounds Nigerians [bbcnews]

Thanks to Julian, who once found is own name in the sprinkles of a Pop-Tart.