Sep 17 2009 Sweet Dreams: Sleepy Time Toothpaste
PearlyDreams (not what I thought it was either) Natural Sleep Enhancing Toothpaste is supposed to help you fall asleep after brushing your teeth at night. Me? I just chloroform myself and pass out on the bathroom floor.
PearlyDreams (endorsed by Aerosmith's Brad Whitford, so you know it's legit) is toothpaste with Melatonin, Balm Mint, Valerian and Passionflower inside, all of which should combine to ease you into a peaceful slumber.
Pfft, who brushes their teeth anymore? I don't know about you, but I have robots that live in my gums and are programmed to come out and scrub my teeth clean every four hours. Sometimes they throw dance parties on my tongue and *WHOA!* Jesus, I was just having the worst nightmare.
This toothpaste is designed to knock you unconscious [dvice]
Jun 1 2009 Prison: Don't Drop The Soap Knuckles
This is soap shaped like brass knuckles. It's equally suited for punching yourself in the taint or fighting off would-be lovers in the prison shower. Which, miss you Big Bear.
Brass Knuckle Soap Allows You To Punch Up a Good Lather [gizmodo]
Thanks to pstone, who made me his bitch.
Jun 23 2008
Bacon Floss, It's What's For Dinner Hygiene
Bacon floss is $4.95 bacon flavored dental floss. It cleans in between your teeth and leaves you with a nice bacon-y aftertaste. Brush with egg-flavored toothpaste and it's part of a well balanced breakfast. Honestly, I'd actually try some if I ever flossed, but I don't. You see, I took exceptional care of my teeth the whole of my life, never have a cavity, and still got kicked in the head by a mule and lost them all. Life's a bitch, folks -- just like my ex. Plus they both have the clap.
Goodbye Cinnamon, Hello Bacon Floss! [ohgizmo]
Mar 18 2008 ICQ P2P Toothpaste Is Highly Questionable
An Israeli pharmaceutical company is releasing ICQ toothpaste that'll ""help P2P communication (person to person) while reducing bad breath." Awesome. I'm going bald, so I really hope they come out with a hair balm for S2E (self to esteem) communication too. You know, it seems like only yesterday I met my first girlfriend on ICQ. I would always race home to the computer to chat with her after I got out of school. It got pretty serious and we finally we decided to meet one day. And yes, you guessed it -- it was my best friend's dad trolling for boys. He broke up with me a few weeks later.
ICQ, the Toothpaste [gizmodo]
Thanks to Steve, who has shining white teeth and pleasant-smelling breath, for the tip
Feb 1 2008 NosePouch: People Still Use Handkerchiefs?
I had no idea people still used handkerchiefs. I thought they were banned in the 90's because it's disgusting to carry a snot filled rag around with you all day. Apparently I was wrong. And apparently they've been upgraded to feature a pouch for your nose. NosePouches are a modern miracle of nose-blowing technology and cost about $2 apiece. I don't need one because I don't blow my nose, it hurts my head. I usually just wipe it on my arm because I'm gross. That and I heard if you blow your nose too hard your arm explodes. True story -- that photo I manipulated in Photoshop proves it.
Thanks to Kelly, whose beauty makes my head explode, for the tip
Aug 30 2007 Portable Battery Operated Shower
If you're anything like me you don't shower because your natural pheromones attract the ladies like rare earth magnets. But if you prefer to smell like soap, then this Coleman product allows you to cleanse yourself anywhere you want. It's a battery operated shower that runs off four D batteries (and costs $27). The tank holds around 5 gallons and you will look really dumb using it like the guy in the picture who is hopefully about to get hit by a car. Or if you don't want to buy this thing you can do what I do, which is steal the elderly neighbor's garden hose. And electricity. And car sometimes.
One more picture of the product after the jump.
