Sep 8 2009 Robotic Bear Will Kill You In The Hospital
This is a promotional video for RIKEN's RIBA, a robotic pedo-bear that was designed to pick hospital patients up out of their beds and discreetly crush their genitals. Yeah, no thanks. Oh, and don't let the Whinny the Pooh music in the video fool you, this robo-bear would maul your whole damn face off and wear it like a mask for a single pot of oil. Don't believe me? Ask Piglet.
Couldn't find him, could you? Draw your own conclusions.*
*Tigger and I roasted that delicious son of a bitch.
Thanks to ANON, who once got Pooh so high he ate like forty jars of honey and then tried to rob a hive at gunpoint.
Aug 28 2009 You Better Not Push Me Down The Stairs: Wheelchair Of The Future
The Veda International Robot Research and Development Centre (in Japan, of course) is hard at work developing a wheelchair for all the aging fogies in the country. And this is it, the Rodem. It's being touted as the wheelchair of the future. Pfft, I'll believe it when my grandpa has one. Isn't that right, gramps? I SAID, "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GRAMPS?!"
Right now Rodem isn't much of a robot, but the people at Veda still want to add more features to the not-wheelchair; for example, Tmsuk president Yoichi Takamoto said, "...we could add a new function so it comes to your bedside when you call."
Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about a wheelchair with robotic features. Yes I do -- I don't like it. No, the only improvements of the current wheelchair we need are an air horn and naked lady mudflaps. Now those would really put the whee in wheelchair -- am I right, gramps? I'm over here, you're talking to a chair. Now drink your juicebox and tell me where you buried the money.
Hit the jump for a shot of some poor bastard with a broken leg toting his own hospital bed around with the thing.
Continue Reading " You Better Not Push Me Down The Stairs: Wheelchair Of The Future "
Aug 20 2009 For The (Clumsy) Ladies: Twilight Bandages
Look down. Do you have breasts? If so, you're a woman or a man who could afford to lose some weight. Either of which may be interested in these Twilight bandages. They're band-aids, but with Twilight shit on them. Now, not to flaunt my superior product design skills or anything, but they should have made the bandages look like vampire bites. BOOM, $1 million idea. You'd have girls throwing themselves off their bicycles just so they could wear more of them. Oh, right, Twi-hards are cutters.
Product Site (sorry ladies, currently sold out)
Thanks to ech0z, who doesn't wear bandages because he has the healing properties of Wolverine, but is way more rugged and handsome. There, I did it -- now pay up.
Jun 1 2009 Prison: Don't Drop The Soap Knuckles
This is soap shaped like brass knuckles. It's equally suited for punching yourself in the taint or fighting off would-be lovers in the prison shower. Which, miss you Big Bear.
Brass Knuckle Soap Allows You To Punch Up a Good Lather [gizmodo]
Thanks to pstone, who made me his bitch.
May 8 2009 Man Builds Scrap Massage Chair For Wife
Lin Shuseng, too cheap to buy his wife one of those $4 battery operated personal massagers (or one of the more expensive ones that looks like a wand that women use to, you know, stir the soup), decided instead to spend 8 years building her a scrap metal massage chair to soothe her painful joints (she suffered in the meantime). Wow, Lin, that's real love right there. Also, the chair from Saw. OMG YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HER!
Chinese retiree uses scrap to create steampunk robo-massage chair [dvice]
Apr 27 2009 Stone Lifting Robot Attacks Factory Worker
A stone lifting robot attacked a factory worker in Sweden, nearly killing him. Are you surprised? You shouldn't be. At least not if you've been reading Geekologie (The Blog of Truth) long enough. Per Google translation:
When the man went into the building he thought that he broke the power of the machine but he had not. Instead, the robot in time and brought formidable force while in the man's head. He managed to defend itself, but received serious injuries on the body.
The man had big turn. He had four broken ribs and was close to delete with, "says Leif Johansson.
Close to delete. That's Google translation talk for mostly dead. Which is Princess Bride talk for about to kick the bucket. Which is an old idiom that means doing it. YOW YOW! Now, who wants to build a sand castle?
Robot assaulted employee [sydsvenskan]
Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, Ulf, Henrik, Jesper, Kelli, Vince, Christopher, Pike, Edward, Karbalo, MoMan, Adrian, Damien and Matt, who were smart enough to write 'no working with robots' clauses into their contracts.
Mar 26 2009 No Joke: Conficker C Virus Coming April 1st
That's right folks, a beefed up version of the Conficker virus, Conficker C is scheduled to wreak havoc on April 1st. Your grandparents may think it's just a joke, but it's no joke -- this is real life, son!
What's known so far is that on April 1, all infected computers will come under the control of a master machine located somewhere across the web, at which point anything's possible. Will the zombie machines become denial of service attack pawns, steal personal information, wipe hard drives, or simply manifest more traditional malware pop-ups and extortion-like come-ons designed to sell you phony security software? No one knows.
Conficker is clever in the way it hides its tracks because it uses an enormous number of URLs to communicate with HQ. The first version of Conficker used just 250 addresses each day -- which security researchers and ICANN simply bought and/or disabled -- but Conficker C will up the ante to 50,000 addresses a day when it goes active, a number which simply can't be tracked and disabled by hand.
Well, just like I did in preparation for the Y2K bug, I'm building a rocketship and blasting off into outerspace before the damage is done. Now you may be asking yourself, "self, what the hell is he still doing here if he really blasted off into outerspace?" And the answer, my friends, is none of your business (read: I'm collecting earth women for the trip). Ladies? Freeze-dried ice cream!
Beware Conficker worm come April 1 [yahoonews]
Thanks to Ashely and Xeta, who aren't worried about the virus because they don't use computers. It's true, they sent their tips snail mail and only read Geekologie telepathically.
Mar 16 2009 I'm Toasty: Pogo Failures Warm The Heart
Let's face it: watching people hurt themselves is one of life's most simple and rewarding pleasures. Especially when they're doing something as stupid as extreme pogo-ing (if that's even a real thing. read: it's not). The video is 5:30 long, but the last two minutes don't have any pain, so you don't need to watch them. I did though, hoping they were building up to somebody losing the entire stick up their ass, but sadly, no.
Failed Pogo Stick Compilation [break]
Thanks to MoD, who doesn't have time to pogo because there's always a woman between his legs. Nice MoD, I want a woman there -- all I have is a lapdog.
Oct 13 2008 Yes, Please!: More Slow Motion Pain
I love slow motion videos. Especially ones in which people are getting punched. And here comes another! It's a music video for Spanish rock-soul singer Bunbury for the song Hay Muy Poca Gente. And not only is there punching, but there's shit being broken over people's heads and all kinds of good stuff. Definitely worth a watch. Maybe not a Rolex, but at least a Seiko.
Note: I posted the same video in high quality after the jump, just for the halibut.
Sep 25 2008 Wearable Airbags For The Clumsy, Elderly
Japanese manufacturer Prop is now selling wearable airbags for old folks and people who just can't stand for long.
Its newly announced personal, wearable airbag looks like a cool fanny-pack and weighs a mere 1.1 kilograms (2.4 pounds) -- but springs forth in one-tenth of a second when sensors detect you're headed for the floor, protecting your head and ass with two inflated bags that contain 3.9 gallons of gas each.
Unfortunately, safety comes at a price. And that price is $1,400. Are grandma's delicate bones worth the cost? Hint: Duct tape and pillows.
Wearable airbags keep the elderly from hitting the ground so hard [engadget]
Thanks to Julian and Ross, who both threw themselves down the stairs wearing bubblewrap jackets and lived to tell about it.
Sep 24 2008 OLD!: How To Sell Samurai Swords
Now that's what I call a samurai!
Thanks to Ben, who once kicked Leonardo's ass in a ninja fight.
Sep 16 2008 Hands-Free Cellphoning Without Bluetooth
This hands-free cellphone holder was designed by Francesca Lanzavecchia and doubles as an excuse to park in handicapped spots. It comes complete with a stretchable rubber skin that fits over it so you can store your phone and cigarettes in there when not in use. Seems pretty freaking impractical. Still, it reminds me of the first time I faked an injury to get some sympathy. You ever tried to cast your own penis before? It isn't easy. I ended up just tying an athletic sock around it and calling it a sling. And you know what? Not a single 'Get Well' card.
Hit the jump for the original model.
Continue Reading " Hands-Free Cellphoning Without Bluetooth "
Sep 12 2008 My Turn, My Turn!: A Human Catapult
A couple weeks ago we saw the AirKick human catapult,and today we've got a video of the homemade variety. I don't really have much to say except they didn't make it powerful enough. You'd have to chuck a body at least twice that hard if you expect to damage a castle.
Homemade Human Catapult Action - Don't Try This at Home [uberreview]
Jun 10 2008 Hood Airbags To Help Save Pedestrians?
Let's face it, getting hit by a car sucks unless the person driving is filthy rich and you don't get hurt but can fake a good neck or back injury. Well now Toyoda Gosei has begun the testing of hood and grill airbags to help protect people on foot. They're activated via some combination of camera and radar sensors and may or may not launch pedestrians even further than you would have been without them. Whether they make it to actual production awaits to be seen, but if you're regularly running over people I recommend rigging a mattress to your hood during the interim. Or you could, I don't know, STOP DRIVING ON THE FREAKING SIDEWALK.
One more picture of the car after the jump.
May 5 2008 How To Traumatize Your Children
My parents didn't need a book to effectively traumatize us for life. They did a fine job on their own. Well for today's slacking parents there's How To Traumatize Your Children, a book in the Self-Hurt series (along with How To Cut Yourself).
You'll learn how to:
- Determine your traumatizing "type"
- Cultivate your children's resentment
- Give your children enough material to write a memoir someday
- Defend your choices against others who've opted to traumatize differently
How To Traumatize Your Children Book [ohgizmo]
Sep 28 2007 Robo Massage Chair Will Probably Hurt You
If you have the $5,799 for this Robo Massage Chair, then you’ve got more money than I'll ever see in my life. You also probably get massages from real people, likely beautiful ladies with long eyelashes and soft, well proportioned breasts. Anyways, this chair is voice activated, and looks like a torture device. The 3D Roller Mechanism adjusts to rub you hard or soft, whatever your preference. It can be programmed to save up to 20 massages of your design. Just be careful if you ask it for a happy ending. Because from the look of it it'll probably tear your dipstick off and jam it up your ass. Some happy ending that'll be.
Robo Massage Chair Will Probably Hurt You [bornrich]
Aug 22 2007 Arm Wrestling Game Breaks Arms
"Arm Spirit", a Japanese arm wrestling video game, has been responsible for breaking 3 arms during its brief release in Japan. Atlus Company (the manufacturer), which had 150 machines in arcades, backs up their game, but is pulling it as "a precaution". Spokeswoman Ayano Sakiyama says:
"The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it. We think that maybe some players get overexcited and twist their arms in an unnatural way."
Now I'm not saying that the people that got their arms broken were weak or anything, but I am saying that I've played this game before. And by played this game I mean as soon as I started putting quarters in it caught fire and the robotic arm fell off. It could sense the pain coming.
Arm Wrestling Game Breaks Arms [engadget]
