Nov 19 2009 Laser Crosswalks: Because Pews = Safety

Laser Crosswalks are the crosswalks of the future. You can tell because it has 'laser' in the name. Pretty much anything with 'laser' in it is gonna be a huge hit in the future (including cereal). Don't believe me? Just stare at this laser eye-toy for a minute. Aaaaand now you're blind.

The Virtual Wall is designed as a replacement for traffic lights and if made would use "plasma laser beams" to project silhouettes of moving people into the path of oncoming traffic.

Supposedly this would calm traffic and make drivers more careful around the soft humans as they cross the street. I'd say it would be more likely that the appearance of giant red figures before the windshield would cause panic, crashing and general mayhem.

Hell yes, giant red laser-people. *pew pew* means walk! Plus, if you try driving through it the lasers should cut you up into little pieces. Don't act like we don't have that technology! We have that technology.

Laser Wall Replaces Traffic Light [wired]

Thanks to Fnahra tha evur livin, who loves lasers almost as much as I do but not quite because I have laser-vision. Yeah, so there, Fnahra.

Sep 3 2009 Scientists: "All Humans Are Mutants"

Scientists are claiming that each human has between 100 and 200 genetic mutations in their DNA. Me? I have two fingers....I have four fingers.

Joseph Nadeau, from the Case Western Reserve University in the US, who was not involved in this study said: "New mutations are the source of inherited variation, some of which can lead to disease and dysfunction, and some of which determine the nature and pace of evolutionary change.

"These are exciting times," he added.

"We are finally obtaining good reliable estimates of genetic features that are urgently needed to understand who we are genetically."

Listen: you can go right on being a freak all you want, but I ain't no damn mutant. I have never even met Professor X! Who, that old guy? The bald one in the wheelchair? Nobody.

We're all mutants, say scientists [bbcnews]

Thanks to Totex and Slava, who only got the incredibly good looking mutations. Lucky.

Aug 24 2009 Do Want: This Human Ingredients T-Shirt

This is $20 t-shirt listing the ingredients of human bodies in percentage order from largest to smallest. Did you know we're 0.25% sulfur? Because maybe that's why you smell so bad. Or maybe it's just your upper lip! BUUUUUUUURN. Your momma wears army boots and dresses you funny!

Product Site

Thanks to Towhee Monster, who is actually 100% awesome.

Aug 6 2009 Burn It With Hot Water!: Ramen Cooking Robot

A Tokyo restaurant has programmed an industrial robot nicknamed Ramen-Bot to cook Ramen noodles for soon to be poisoned customers. Now I don't know about you, but I don't trust it. And as a matter of fact -- I only eat food processed in non-robotic factories. Because, damnit, I'm a humanitarian. Mmmm, people.

Youtube

Thanks to Drew, Michael, cathatter and Chris, who would rather take their chances with employees not washing their hands.

Jul 22 2009 Neato: Human Bodies Produce Visible Light

Thats right folks, the human body actually produces visible light -- and not just if you live under power lines! Unfortunately, it's not visible to us because it's 1,000 times weaker than our eyes can detect.

The human body literally glows, emitting a visible light in extremely small quantities at levels that rise and fall with the day, scientists now reveal.

In fact, virtually all living creatures emit very weak light, which is thought to be a byproduct of biochemical reactions involving free radicals.

The researchers found the body glow rose and fell over the day, with its lowest point at 10 a.m. and its peak at 4 p.m., dropping gradually after that. These findings suggest there is light emission linked to our body clocks, most likely due to how our metabolic rhythms fluctuate over the course of the day.

Oh man, I remember the first time I glowed. It was right after I made out with the Hulk a hot young lady. Kidding, it was a nuclear reactor. What do you say -- uranium rod me one more time for old time's sake? Think about it.

Strange! Humans Glow in Visible Light [yahoonews]

Thanks to Sean, catch22, FDSY, Erin and Watch-303, who glow particularly dull because they've eaten too many lead-based paint chips.

Jul 14 2009 Great: EATR Robot Feeds On Dead Bodies

Well we've already seen robots that can feed on organic matter, and now, an even scarier one. Wait, does that say chainsaw?

Robotic Technology Inc.'s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot -- that's right, "EATR" -- "can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable," reads the company's Web site.

That "biomass" and "other organically-based energy sources" wouldn't necessarily be limited to plant material -- animal and human corpses contain plenty of energy, and they'd be plentiful in a war zone.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! I'm okay, I'm okay. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! No I'm not. Hold me. Lower. Little lower. Lower. What?! THIS COULD BE OUR LAST NIGHT ALIVE!

Upcoming Military Robot Could Feed on Dead Bodies [foxnews]

Thanks to everyone who sent this in. No, really, thanks -- I hate sleeping. WITH YOUR SISTER! (snores)

Jul 7 2009 AAAAAH, WHICH ONE IS THE ROBOT?!?

IT'S A TRAP! KILL THEM BOTH AND CHECK THE BODIES AFTER!

Hint: they say the eyes are the window to one's soul. And robots, as we all know, are soulless death machines.

Which One is the Robot? [gizmodo]

Thanks to 42 y/o undead warlock, who blasted them both with Magic Missile just to be safe.

Jun 25 2009 That's Depressing: Dead People Jewelry

Want some jewelry that will remind you of your deceased loved ones because it's made with parts of them? Then you're in luck, thanks to necromancer and design student Anna Schwamborn (not to be confused with Anna Schwamdied).

Besides pure hair being used, cremated human ashes are mixed with black bone china, the world´s highest class porcelain.

The objects are supposed to be worn close to the body of the mourner symbolizing a lasting physical connection between two individuals even after death.

Furthermore this collection is supposed to remind the wearer on the fragility and appreciation of life and most importantly, acting as a keepsake.

Wow, that was depressing. Quick, I need something entirely inappropriate. Got it -- ex-girlfriend panty collection for the save! Whew, that was a close one.

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures of the possibilities.

Continue Reading " That's Depressing: Dead People Jewelry "

Jun 25 2009 35,000-Year Old Flute Doesn't Summon Bird

That was a Zelda reference. No need to thank me folks, just doing my job. So scientists have unearthed a 35,000-year old flute in Germany, making it the earliest instrument ever found (not including rocks).

It was made from the bone of a giant vulture during the Upper Paleolithic. Found in Ach Valley, in the south of Germany, the 8.7-inch long, one-inch diameter instrument has five holes, with two V-shaped notches carved on one side of it. This was the part in which the musician put the lips to blow, according to University of Tubingen's professor Nicholas Conard, the lead author of the discovery. The other end is broken just on the fifth hole.

Wait -- but I thought the oldest flute was the one Eve used to play. You know, Adam's. Zing? ZING!

35,000-year-old Flute Is First Instrument Ever [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, who is more of a clarinet kind of guy.

May 15 2009 Oldest Human Sculpture Found In Germany

What you're looking at is believed to be the oldest sculpture of a human found to date, and was carved out of a mammoth's tusk. That's right, mammoth -- the very same mount Jesus used to ride into battle. Wow!

The distorted object, which portrays a woman with huge breasts, big buttocks and exaggerated genitals, is thought to be at least 35,000 years old.

The 6cm-tall figurine, reported in the journal Nature, is the latest find to come from Hohle Fels Cave in Germany.

"I think there are good reasons to emphasise sexual interpretations, but we really don't know whether it is coming from a more male or a more female perspective. We don't know very much about how the artefact was used."

Oh man, those cave people were a classy bunch, were they not? They so were. And such the artisans. But seriously, is that really the way women used to look back then? Because, if so, BBW AND mammoths? *firing up time machine* Somebody smells a threesome!

Hit the jump for another picture with more angles.

Continue Reading " Oldest Human Sculpture Found In Germany "

Apr 23 2009 Uh-Oh: Doctor Claims He Can Clone Humans

Just look at all those cute little babies. Really makes you consider wearing a condom next time, doesn't it? Yeah it does. Anyway, Dr. Panayiotis Zavos, a controversial fertility doctor, claims he's gonna be cloning humans within two years.

[The] doctor has claimed he cloned 14 human embryos and transferred 11 of them into women's wombs. Dr Panayiotis Zavos carried out the work at a secret laboratory thought to be in the Middle East.

"Dr Zavos saw vigorous growth in 30 cell embryos before he transferred them into the womb and that is why he is optimistic that a human clone baby will be born within two years," he said.

"This has reached an advanced stage and is potentially a viable form of infertility treatment."

The article goes on to discuss the ethics of a woman who wants her 10-year old daughter, who died in a car crash, cloned. Which, wow, sounds like the worst idea I've heard all morning. Seriously -- and I had an offer to go play in traffic. No, when it comes to cloning, there's one very simple rule: dinosaurs only.

Could Cloning Bring Dead Girl Back To Life? [skynews]

Thanks to jigga, Thumperchica and Christina, who all want GW clones but I told them no. I've seen Multiplicity! Okay, I haven't -- but I did see the commercial where the dumb one tries to stick pizza in his wallet.

Apr 22 2009 Pet Cosplay Festival In Rio de Janeiro

Live near Rio de Janeiro (Brazil)? Do you like pets? Do you like pets dressed up as characters from comic books, video games, movies and cartoons? If so, you're in luck -- there's a pet cosplay festival this Sunday, April 26th! Per the Bablefishily translated page:

The event starts to the 9 Hours and is especially come back advantages fans of livens up and cachorros. E since the 20 better fancies will be awardees, capriche creativity. Valley everything: of Wolverine and Super Man, until Torch Human being (Or Canine Torch).

Beyond everything, if you to want to adopt one cãozinho, Ong ANIDA, through the campaign "Devoid Snout", will go to adopt and to receive donations for the abandoned animals from the city, of which it takes care of.

Sounds like a good time. And for a good cause too. So if you're in the area feel free to check it out and take some pictures. If they're not too blurry (and, quite frankly, even if they are) I'll post them so everyone can 'ooooh' and 'awwwwh' and 'that's so cruel' in harmony. Then we'll record an album and make millions.

Pet Cosplay, Rio de Janeiro [combustao]

Thanks to loyal Brazilian tipster Romeo, who may or may not attend the festival depending on whether his dog is out fighting crime that morning or not.

Apr 13 2009 Sexiest Dinosaur Costume EVER EVER EVER

My God what I wouldn't give to be that guy.

Best costume ever? You be the judge.*

*Unless you answered "no", in which case, you seriously suck at judging.

Picture [izismile]

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, who knew how inherently sexy this was as soon as he saw it. Spikey, we should start a club.

Mar 31 2009 Ooh, Scienc-y: Video Of AIDS Spreading

No, it's not unprotected sex, it's a video showing how an infected AIDS cell spreads the disease to other, healthy cells. It's the first time the process has ever been caught on video, and scientists hope the information will help in the search for a cure.

The study was made possible after experts created a molecular clone of infectious HIV and inserted a protein into its genetic code which glows green when exposed to blue light.

They noted that when an infected cell came into contact with a healthy one, a bridge was created between them, called a virological synapse.

"We should be developing vaccines that help the immune system recognise proteins involved in virological synapse formation and antiviral drugs that target the factors required for synapse formation."

Hey, whatever helps find a cure. I can't wait till we wipe out all these STDs and then the only thing you have to get worry about is getting a girl pregnant. Which, at least for me, is no concern -- I have a laptop on my balls 10 hours a day!

Scientists film HIV spreading for first time [telegraph]

Thanks to Joemo, who once got a whole women's volleyball team pregnant just by attending a game.

Mar 5 2009 Wow, I'm Shocked: Robot Programmed To Love Goes Too Far, Commences Stalking

Kenji, a third-generation humanoid, was programmed by Toshiba's Akimu Robotic Research Institute to emulate human emotions, including love. But shockingly, Kenji has gone haywire and will probably end up killing off all his love interests.

The trouble all started when a young female intern began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji.

Dr. Takahashi admits that they will more than likely have to decommission Kenji permanently, but he's optimistic about one day succeeding where Kenji failed. "This is only a minor setback. I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots," he said.

Oh hell no you crackpot. Ain't no love for robots here. It's kill or be killed. YOUR EXPERIMENT FAILED MISERABLY -- GIVE UP. Seriously, we need this guy behind bars STAT. The day I'm forced to love a robot is the day I stab that mechanical beast through the eye-camera with a rusty screwdriver and sparks fly everywhere as I mash it around in his brain real good until the BEEPITY BOOP BEEPING stops and I push my would-be mechanical lover off me and take a nap.

Robot Programmed to Love Goes too Far [muckflash]

Thanks to Jon, who once kicked a robot in the metallic junk for stepping on his shoe.

Feb 19 2009 This Has Gotten Way Out Of Hand: Army Robots Will Require A 'Warrior Code'

How many times do I have to emphasize that I am not kidding about a robot apocalypse? Did the Terminator series teach us nothing besides Arnold Schwarzenegger should run for governor? Now, in a recent report by the US Navy, it has been suggested that robots participating in battle be programmed with a 'Warrior Code' to help prevent destruction of the entire human potato-sack race.

"There is a common misconception that robots will do only what we have programmed them to do," Patrick Lin, the chief compiler of the report, said. "Unfortunately, such a belief is sorely outdated, harking back to a time when . . . programs could be written and understood by a single person." The reality, Dr Lin said, was that modern programs included millions of lines of code and were written by teams of programmers, none of whom knew the entire program.

It's been suggested we use Isaac Asimov's Three Rules Of Robotics as a starting point for the 'Warrior Code'. Isaac's Rules were as follows:

1 A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm

2 A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law

3 A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law

Being the Geekologie Writer, I got a sneak peak at the Warrior Code in progress, and I've got to say, not good:

1 There is no warrior code

2 PEW PEW

3 PEW PEW

Military's killer robots must learn warrior code [timesonline]
and
Experts Warn of 'Terminator'-Style Military-Robot Rebellion [foxsnews]

Thanks to Bryan, Chris, timgrab, T6000 (what are you doing here!?), Matt, Sprite and Thumperchica, who are all smart enough to know this is life or death, but not smart enough to know I just stole their identities. Hello, credit cards!

Feb 18 2009 No Friends: Robot Plays Paper Rock Scissors

'Berti' is a humanoid robot that was designed and programmed to mimic hand gestures and play paper rock scissors. I want to smash his athletic cup of a face in with a rock. And then tear his fingers off. And then plant them in a cup of Wendy's chili and sue for free Frosties. Oh yeah, who wants a Frostie? Good, get me one too. AND A JR. BACON CHEESEBURGER! Awh sookie sookie. I don't have to make sense, I make dollars, son. Six an hour. I'm saving for a bike!

Britain Robot Playground [instablogs]

Thanks to Romeo, who once punched a Terminator in the face but it did that melty liquid metal thing and so it didn't really do any damage. Still, good effort.

Jan 29 2009 Guy Selling Himself As Slave On eBay

I'm pretty sure by definition you can't sell yourself as a slave for a month, because that kind of negates the whole slavery thing. This guy is basically a really douche-y manservant. I mean, he's no Alfred.

What we have for auction today is a slave, a very fit male slave. He is twenty-four years of age, measure five foot ten inches, and weighs eleven stone. This slave is college educated, hard working, and ready to tackle any task you may have for him.

The terms of the auction are as follows.

The winning bidder will receive the slave seen in the picture for a period no less than 28 days, but for no more than a period of 31 days.

The winning bidder must be able to provide shelter for the slave in the form of a spare bedroom, a couch, a tent, a hammock, or a tree-house.

The slave is not a sexual slave, and will not under any circumstances partake in any form of sexual activities with his master. This auction is not sexual in anyway shape or form. DO YOU HEAR ME EBAY, THIS IS NOT SEXUAL! OK THANKS!

The slave will not follow any instruction that will most likely result in his death or serious disfigurement.

I dunno, I thought about buying him to walk up and down the highway in the snow with a sandwich board advertising Geekologie, but then I realized I'd probably be too tempted to run him over myself. And what does 'serious disfigurement' mean? Does cutting off a finger count? Because I only consider that minor disfigurement. Quick, to Wendy's!

Hit the jump for two more pictures of the questionable slave.

Continue Reading " Guy Selling Himself As Slave On eBay "

Dec 29 2008 Mmmm, Gutsy: A Thorax Cake

Damn that looks delicious. I just want to eat it up. Then slather the leftovers on a naked chick, take some moderately tasteful(!) erotic photographs, and sneak out a window while she cleans up.

The plan was for each organ to be made out of a different kind of cake and to secrete a different color of fluid when it was cut into. Previous heart cakes have bled fresh, homemade raspberry sauce. Sadly, the organs didn't bleed as well as I had hoped when I cut the cake, as each organ was relatively small and couldn't hold much sauce. Also all the moving around after filling the organs made it hard to keep the sauce contained in the little cavities I hollowed out. The heart bled pretty well, but the other organ fluids weren't very dramatic.

Heart - orange cake with raspberry sauce
Lungs - apple spice cake with strawberry sauce
Kidneys - orange cake with blueberry sauce
Stomach - ginger cake with mango sauce
Liver - chocolate cake with kiwi sauce
Small Intestine - jelly roll with red currant jelly

My God does that sound good. And I'm not even a big fan of purification organs. Now pipe organs -- that's another story. DOOT DOO DOO DOO DOO -- DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT!! Anybody? Phantom of the Opera!

Hit the jump for a ton more of the construction and final product.

Continue Reading " Mmmm, Gutsy: A Thorax Cake "

Dec 23 2008 Cannibals: Japanese People Taste The Best

That's right folks: according to the cannibals of Papua New Guinea, the Japanese are delicious.

Anthropologist Olga Ammann describes it more succinctly in the book. She quotes people who have eaten other humans: "The meat of white people smells too strongly and is too salty."

The Japanese are meant to taste the best, according to her study - the only thing that beats it is the meat of their own women.

Mmmm, I'm with them on that. There's nothing better than roast beef. And the guy in the picture? Best jerky ever.

"Japanese people taste the best - whites are too salty!" [bild]

Thanks to GRRR, who knows what Bald Eagle tastes like.