Aug 20 2009 Screw The Future(!): Robotic Prostitutes

Robotic hookers folks, robotic hookers. Marinate on that one for a second while I down this zucchini bread. Then, I'll be back to discuss the moral ramifications of banging a robot.

It sounds like science fiction, but robot bar staff, hotel rooms that change colour, cruise ships as big as aircraft carriers and even robot sex are part of the future for travellers, a tourism conference has been told.

Even robot "prostitutes" that would not pass on diseases such as HIV could make an appearance...

"But you're talking about extreme futures."

First of all, no. Secondly, I would rather jam my penis in an electrical outlet (and have before -- now it can shoot lightning) than have sex with a robot. And thirdly, this certainly brings to meaning to the phrase 'sex machine', doesn't it? No? Well what about robo-hos?

Robot prostitutes tipped to tempt future tourists [theindependent]

Thanks to Caroline, who once pulled the old quarter-on-a-string trick and managed to score free services.

Jul 22 2009 Robot Built To Model Wedding Dresses

'Miimu', a HRP-4C robot, is seen here being utilized as a runway model for Japanese fashion designer Yumi Katsura's line of bridal gowns. And, since I know women so well, I'll give you men a little insight into how their minds work.

"I really love this dress -- but how would it look on a robot?"

Which brings up another disconcerting thought -- robot marriage. And you know what's sad? They'll probably allow unholy robotic matrimony before gay marriage. And that, my friends, makes me want to blow up the moon. And I don't even care if it's delicious cheese.

It's a nice day for a robot wedding [metro]

Thanks to Doctor Steel and Graf Zeppelin, who together form Doctor Graf Steel Zeppelin, which, you know, is pretty cool.

Mar 18 2009 BigDog: Now With More Horns, Goring

Remember Boston Dynamic's BigDog? Well they decided it'd be funny to put horns on it and pretend like it's a bull. As you can see, it's not humorous. Nope, not one bit. I don't care if you paint its face and have it make balloon animals at the fair, BigDog will never be funny. Or cute. Not even with a furry little bunny tail and dressed like a schoolgirl. Which, ZOMG.....

dinosaursdressedlikeschoolgirls.com!

Video: BigDog turned into BigBull (with BigHorns) [engadget]

Thanks to Julian and Pete, who could totally ride that thing for the full 8 seconds.

Feb 23 2009 You Need Help: Bella's Womb From Twilight

I never read or saw Twlight because I'm a pseudo-adult man with almost 1/2 my dignity intact (I saw Mamma Mia in the theater). To my credit though, I have seen Blade several times. Anway, some Twi-hard -- wait, they're actually calling themselves that? Yes, they are. Wow, I need to sit down for a minute. Whoa, office chair -- bad idea. Floor it is.

Oh yes, one creative (and creepy) Twilight fan actually took the time to felt together Bella's womb, complete with -- wait for it -- an actual felted mutant fetus inside! Who in their right mind does stuff like this? Seriously, who wakes up one day and says, "Ya know, I think I want to spend the next week or so recreating what Bella's womb would look like with a mutant fetus inside, and then maybe share it with fans on the internet ... because they'll of course think I'm, like, completely normal and stuff."

Why do I get the feeling whoever made this also put up a Craigslist ad asking for a vampire to impregnate her? I swear, what the hell's the matter with people? That said, I am 100% vampire. Baby, I will do you like it's 1499 and not hesitate one bite to put a sun-fearing baby in that ass. Just sayin, I pick and eat my own scabs.

Fan Made: Bella's Womb from 'Twilight' (aka Creepiest 'Fan Made' Ever) [cinematical]

Thanks to Jules, who doesn't want a vampire baby, just a little werewolf.

Feb 5 2009 Want A Mini-Robot Version Of Yourself?

If you answered yes, I want you to leave your name and address in the comments section, as I'd like to send you some anthrax literature. You will not be saved. But, for the sake of my Pulitzer, I'll report on these devilish little bastards anyway. Available from Little Island for a little over $2,000, the little creeps serve as a VoIP phone so you can talk "face to face" to you family or pets while you're away. But wait, there's a little more!

Unfortunately, the "robot" doesn't appear to actually have many true robot abilities, although it does have a built-in camera to let you check out its surroundings via a connected computer, and it's apparently able to do a few basic tasks like read your RSS feeds or check the weather. The bot is also essentially just a plush PC itself (complete with a 500MHz Geode processor), so there's certainly plenty of opportunity to expand its capabilities for those so inclined.

Oh my God, you're actually considering one aren't you? You are sicker than I expected. And let me tell you, I expected at least a 9 of out 10. And to think, your parents said you'd never be a 10 at anything. You showed them!

Little Island promises to craft you in creepy robot form [engadget]

Thanks to Julian, who had a robot version of himself until it drank his last beer and had to be scrapped.

Jun 24 2008 Video: How To Play Guitar Hero On The DS

This is a video explaining how to play Guitar Hero: On Tour with the Nintendo DS. It ranks right up there with the Star Wars Dance Competition in things that are unbearable to watch. Seriously, I almost killed myself while watching it. I was just slipping my head through the noose when it ended. Don't believe me? I dare you to watch the whole 3:30 and then tell me with a straight face you didn't entertain cutting yourself. Because you did. You also entertained finding out where Mr. Eyeliner lives and cutting him. Go on, admit it.

Guitar Hero: On Tour promo video makes grown men cry [engadget]

Thanks for the warning Julian, but curiosity got the best of me

Apr 2 2008 Walking Bike Features Sneakers, Horrible Ride

The Walking Bike was designed by Max Knight (not to be confused with Max Rook or Max Bishop) and has a wheel of shoes instead of the traditional metal and rubber. I swear I've seen this idea in a movie or something. Anybody else remember that? Anyway, the thing actually goes, and there's a video of it in action after the jump. And by "in action" I mean a guy attempting to cross a street on it, realizing it was a bad idea, and getting off.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Walking Bike Features Sneakers, Horrible Ride "

Mar 18 2008 Make Sure She Says No By Proposing With The USB Engagement Ring

Being pressured by your significant other to pop the question? Are you just not ready for that kind of commitment but want to get in some good asking practice? Enter the USB Engagement ring. Made as a set of two, they can be connected to transfer data to each other (similar to how you can transfer disease with your privates). Now I don't think I need to tell you this is not the way to get engaged. Nope, this is the way to get kneed in the balls. Unless you're down on one knee, in which case it's the way to get your teeth kicked out.

Oh, and as a side note, those are definitely both man hands in the picture. And yes, the pimp in the back is the same minister that officiated my wedding.

Swarovski Engagement Ring Will Surely Get you Turned Down [ohgizmo]