May 4 2009 These Beats Are Fresh!: Slap Chop Remix
This is music-video remix of Vince "bitch, that's my tongue" Shlomi's famous Slap Chop commercial. It drove me crazy and I was this close to jamming a butter knife into a wall outlet. But, I must admit, whoever made it did do a good editing job. So, whoever you are, my hat's off to you. But my pants -- well, I'm saving those for you, ma'am.*
*Meet me in the back of the bus.
Youtube
via
Slap Chop Remix Breathes New Life Into Worthless Gadget, Vince's Career? [gizmodo]
Thanks to Julian and Noah, who once slap chopped a bunch of ninjas in the face and made them cry throwing stars. True story.
Apr 13 2009 Asleep At The Keyboard: Candle 1, Laptop 0
Dripping candle is dripping. But seriously, I've been looking for a way to spice up the ol' love life, and my hand doesn't go numb anymore. So I've been thinking about ordering a hooker. I guess what I'm getting at is this: as a natural-born pyromaniac, is bring a flame into the bedroom safe? And, if so, what do you guys recommend?
UPDATE: Hello, 911? YEAH -- THERE IS A HOOKER ON FIRE IN MY APARTMENT! My name? My name is *click*
Candle Fail [failblog]
via
In a Fight Between Candle and Laptop, Candle Usually Wins [gizmodo]
Mar 29 2009 ShamWow Guy ShamPows Hooker's Face
First of all, Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow guy, is 44 years old. In the infomercials he doesn't look a day over a very douchey 25. Secondly, a $1,000 hooker tried biting his tongue off during a sexual encounter at a South Beach hotel and Vince was forced to ShamPow her in the face until she let go. Damn, that is some freaky cannibal S & M shit. And lastly, since when is being the ShamWow guy not enough to get a dude laid for free? Next thing you know you'll tell me Ron Popeil isn't sticking his Solid Flavor Injector to a bunch of groupies. Now back me up here, Ron. Ron? What do you mean you're a 'Pocket Fisherman'?
Hit the jump for a raggedly looking ShamWow guy and hooker.
Sep 17 2008 Woops: How Not To Dispose Of A Sex Doll
The best way to dispose of a sex doll is to hump it until it melts. But if you don't have superhuman stamina or a laser penis, your options are limited. So what do you do? Dump it like a dead hooker.
A 60-year-old man, having lived with his rubbery companion for a few years after his wife passed away, but when he decided to move in with his kids we felt like it was time to move on. He was too attached to chop his former lover up into pieces and toss her out with the trash, so he did what any respectable guy would do: stuck her in a sleeping bag, brought her to a remote, wooded area and dumped her.
Unshockingly, hikers stumbled upon the sleeping bag and notified authorities. One very brief post-mortem exam later, and the guy finally came forward to claim his former lover. He faces littering charges and future relations with a once-dead sex doll. You know, this reminds me of the time a dead hooker came back to haunt me. If I told her once, I told her a million times -- I'm still not paying you one-legged ghost of a whore!
Dumping Someone is Hard, Even if that Someone is a Sex Doll [gizmodo]
Sep 10 2008 Verizon Technician Busted For Making $220K In Phone Sex Calls Using Customer's Lines
A Verizon technician, whose name I won't mention (Joseph Vaccarelli, 45, of Nutley, New Jersey) managed to tap into the land lines of over 950 customers and make 45,000 minutes of phone sex calls.
Verizon estimated that out of a 40-week period, Vaccarelli spent 15 weeks talking on 900 chat lines, authorities alleged. Of the 15 weeks, 14 were spent on lines with men pretending to be women.
Holy hellfire, shit, and brimstone, somebody buy this guy a freaking hooker already.
Verizon Tech Accused Of Making $220K In Sex Calls [wcbstv]
Thanks to Mark, who once used a descrambler to see a boob on Cinemax.
Jun 26 2008 Brothel On Wheels Gets Busted, I Weep
Well folks, in an attempt to take away our Eighth Amendment right (the right to pay for and receive sexual acts in the back of a moving vehicle) the FBI busted what they're calling a "brothel-on-wheels" in Miami.
Miami Beach undercover detectives who paid a $40 entry fee and boarded a stretch limousine bus Sunday found women onboard offering oral sex and lap dances for money, authorities said.
Authorities arrested Christine Morteh, 29, of Miramar, and the driver, Clyde Scott, along with four other people Sunday. Miami-Dade jail spokeswoman Janell Hall said Morteh faces charges including offering to commit or engage in prostitution, conducting business without a license, directing another to a place of prostitution and deriving support from prostitution.
Whoa, whoa, whoa -- those sound like some pretty serious charges. Completely inappropriate. I was thinking more along the lines of a gas card and handicapped parking sticker.
Cops bust alleged brothel-on-wheels in Miami [cnn]
Thanks Romeo, but I kind of wish you had notified me about this service earlier.
Apr 15 2008 Mario Theme Played With RC Car And Bottles
In this world there are two kinds of things: those that are awesome, and those that make me want to kill myself. This is an awesome one. AN AWESOMELY AWsome one. That was me yelling. I know, I'm a little hoarse (but not the kind that kids ride around at birthday parties, those ones smell and shit everywhere. Actually, maybe I am). This is a video of an RC car playing the Super Mario theme by driving by and hitting bottles with a little metal whacker. I've watched it ten times and it's still cool. I can't believe the guy can drive the car that straight. Or that they found an empty parking garage to do it in. The parking garage around here is a scary place. The last time I had to store my car there I saw no less than two vagrants peeing in corners, some raunchy couple doing it in the back of a compact car, and what may or may not have been a dead hooker stuffed under an SUV (I didn't have the courage to poke her with my tire iron).
A big thanks to Daniel and Tombo, both of whom could write books about being cool, for the tips
Jan 10 2008 Taser Features MP3 Player, Hooker Styling
Taser, a company that focuses its efforts on developing products that shock people, is releasing a new line of tasers and had them on display at the CES. The Taser C2 features an MP3 player holster that stores 1GB of music, so you can get your groove on while you watch a would-be attacker wriggle in the street. While this may appeal to some, I have a few bones to pick. First of all, if you're listening to music you're going to be a lot more susceptible to attack, seeing how it would be easier to sneak up on you. And secondly, I tried this system and ended up jolting my penis with 50,000 volts when I tried to skip a song.
Introducing the Taser mp3 player [metro]
Thanks to Sebastian, whose story will never end, for the tip
