Nov 12 2009 Pfft, I Knew That: Staring At Breasts Is Good For Your Health, Prolongs A Man's Life

This is probably entirely fake and a giant hoax but I don't care because, well, breasts. Also -- don't question my journalistic integrity or I will swell your eyes shut so bad you'd be lucky to squint a nipple.

According to German research published in New England Journal of Medicine, men staring at women's breasts in fact prolong their lives with years.

"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.

I'm gonna be immortal! Kidding, I don't stare at breasts because I'm a gentleman and wear a top hat. But for the rest of you, go for it. You can start HERE (slightly NSFW, giant tank-topped boobs). I know, it's like a fountain valley of youth, right?

UPDATE: FAKE. But don't let that stop you from trying. Maybe you're the exception.

Looking at Breasts is Healthy [wholefitness]

Thanks to T. Brian, who is probably the healthiest man alive.

Oct 27 2009 Cameo!: Balloon Boy Spotted In Fallout 3

This is a screenshot from Fallout 3 taken by Geekologie Reader Fallout Boy that clearly shows balloon boy's dirigible (SANS BALLOON BOY!) floating by in the wild blue yonder. Shoot it! SHOOT IT DOWN NOW!

Picture

Thanks to Fallout Boy, who was once the center of a conspiracy involving a young boy trapped in an old fallout shelter.

Oct 23 2009 Lies!: Germans Have Broken Speed Of Light

Two German scientists claim to have broken the speed of light. They are liars and should lose their science licenses. What do you mean you don't need a license to practice science? WELL YOU SHOULD!

According to Einstein's special theory of relativity, it would require an infinite amount of energy to propel an object at more than 186,000 miles per second.

However, Dr Gunter Nimtz and Dr Alfons Stahlhofen, of the University of Koblenz, say they may have breached a key tenet of that theory.

The pair say they have conducted an experiment in which microwave photons - energetic packets of light - travelled "instantaneously" between a pair of prisms that had been moved up to 3ft apart.

The scientists were investigating a phenomenon called quantum tunnelling, which allows sub-atomic particles to break apparently unbreakable laws.

Dr Nimtz told New Scientist magazine: "For the time being, this is the only violation of special relativity that I know of."

Yeah, no. Is the universe still here? Then these two crackpots didn't shoot shit faster than the speed of light. And speaking of shooting shit faster than the speed of light: the new Black Jack taco from Taco Bell. Plumber!!

'We have broken speed of light' [telegraph]

Thanks to Allegro, who once ran out for beer and returned before he even left (got hit be a street sweeper and passed out in a ditch for a whole day).

Oct 22 2009 DO NOT WANT (To Pet): Chinese 'Cat Girl'

Normally I love making fun of other people's misfortune, but it's sad when it's a six year old girl. Hopefully this is fake though cause it's coming from The Sun. Although, this IS China we're talking about here, which is notorious for freaky cat shit.

Li Xiaoyuan, from Fengkai in southern China, had a small birthmark on her back just months ago, which has since grown to cover her entire back and parts of her arms and face, The Sun reports.

"None of the other children want to play with her, they are calling her cat-girl and are really mean."

A surgeon at Zhaoqing City Dermalogical l Hospital in China's Guangdong province said Li Xiaoyuan may have a rare skin disease that makes normal moles run amok.

I swear, I can't stand it when moles run amok. You know what you need to do? Pour gasoline down all their holes then light that shit. BOOM! Woops -- must have found the gas line. Remember folks: call before you dig.

Chinese 'cat-girl' baffles doctors [ninemsn]

Thanks to Sam, Turtle Boy.

Oct 14 2009 We're As Good As Dead: Robots Driving Tank

We can only pray this is an elaborate Photoshop hoax or we're all as good as dead. Well, you are, I'm as bad as dead. And twice as bad as that nancy Leroy Brown. That jive-talking mother ain't got nothin' on me!

Picture [pictureisunrelated]

Thanks to Daniel, who actually is meaner than a junkyard dog and once pushed an old lady into traffic.

Sep 15 2009 Snake With Foot Found, Killed In China

I am seriously reconsidering my decision to procreate in China. What with all the winged cats and footed snakes, I don't want my children to grow up with three legs like their father, you know? My beneficial defects aside, I must admit: as an amateur herpetologist, I'm a little skeptical about a footed snake. It seems almost like it swallowed a lizard and then that bastard was all like, "oh hell naw!" and kicked through the snake's bitchass stomach.

Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night.

"I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw," said Mrs Duan of Suining, southwest China.

Mrs Duan said she was so scared she grabbed a shoe and beat the snake to death before preserving its body in a bottle of alcohol.

I call shenanigans. Everybody knows snakes lost their right to feet after that one in Eden kept trying to touch Eve's boobs. Yes, I've read the Bible. He ended up stealing her nipples. And that, my flock, is where dried apricots come from. Amen.

Snake with foot found in China [telegraph]

Thanks to carmen, Matty and Chuck Nunchuck, who all have snaked feet. And this little piggy went to GAAAAAAAHH!!

Sep 1 2009 Polish Vacationers Allegedly Film Yeti

Allegedly a couple of Poles filmed a real life Yeti while on vacation in the Tatra mountains. I didn't even know there were Polish Yetis, but I do now. Say -- how many do you think it takes to screw in an energy efficient light bulb?

"I saw this huge ape-like form hiding behind the rocks. When I saw it it was like being struck by a thunderbolt," he told the Superexpress.

"Coming from Warsaw, I never really believed the local stories of a wild mountain ape-man roaming the slopes. But, now I do."

"The film clearly shows 'something' that moves on two legs and is bigger than a normal man," says Robert Bernatowicz, president of the Nautilus Foundation.

Interesting. And you know what? I kind of believe it. Like two Poles could possibly plan a hoax!

Hit the jump for the (unsurprisingly) horrible quality video.

Continue Reading " Polish Vacationers Allegedly Film Yeti "

Apr 3 2009 UPDATE: A Helicopter Hotel That Flies

The Hotelicopter is allegedly real, although I have some serious doubts (especially if you go to THIS PAGE and see how they're hocking some renderings as real "test flight" pictures). That, and we're two days to April 1st. Still, it might be (but it's totally not).

Experience the adrenaline rush of taking off and flying high in the largest helicopter ever produced. The Hotelicopter features 18 luxuriously-appointed rooms for adrenaline junkies seeking a truly unique and memorable travel experience.

The Hotelicopter is modeled on the Soviet-made Mil V-12, of which there were only two prototypes ever made. The Mil V-12 took its first flight in Russia in 1968 and was awarded numerous world records, which it still holds today. The vehicle also earned the prestigious Sikorsky Prize awarded by the American Helicopter Society for outstanding achievements in helicopter technology.

The Hotelicopter Company purchased one of these prototypes from the Mikhail Leontyevich Mil helicopter plant in Panki-Tomilino, Russia in 2004 and have been engineering the world's first flying hotel ever since.

Eh. Even if it is real I can't say I'm that excited. And not just because I could never afford a flight. No, I'm afraid of heights. Which is why I sleep on a mattress on the floor. Now, which one of you lovely ladies wanna join the ten-inch high club? Memory-foam topper, just sayin'.

UPDATE: FAKE, I just got an email from Hotelicopter.

Thanks for your coverage of The Hotelicopter!

I wanted to let you know that while The Hotelicopter is not real, hotelicopter the company is - we're a new travel brand launching next week.

Can you please update your post accordingly? We did ask Yotel permission to use their images in our prank, and they agreed.

Hit the jump for a couple more of the questionableness, including the interior.

Continue Reading " UPDATE: A Helicopter Hotel That Flies "

Feb 25 2009 Excessive Gaming Can Cause Skin Sores

That's right folks, too much gaming can give you the stink-palm, according to a recent article in the British Journal of Dermatology. Of course, the disorder (Playstation palmar hidradenitis) may be based entirely on the single case of a 12-year old girl.

Doctors who examined her at the Geneva University Hospital concluded she had a condition known as 'idiopathic eccrine hidradenitis', a skin disorder that generally causes red, sore lumps on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet.

The doctors suspect that the problem was caused by tight and continuous grasping of the console's hand-grips, and repeated pushing of the buttons, alongside sweating caused by the tension of the game.

The unsightly lumps went away after 10 days of gaming abstinence. Now listen folks: if reddened palms are the only negative effect of your excessive gaming, be thankful. After all, you've still got your social life, right? Right?

Game consoles 'cause skin sores' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Shelley, Becky, JMR and Tank, who have no fear of developing Playstation palmar hidradenitis because they only play XBox.

Feb 24 2009 Screw A Picture: VIDEO Of The New Mac Mini

For those of you naysayers that claimed last week's picture of the Mac Mini was Photoshopped, here's the video. So either somebody's good with Premiere as well, or it's the real deal. And speaking of the real deal: your boobs. They almost look too perfect. I'm gonna need to touch them to verify their authenticity. Haha, that's the first time I've ever touched one -- I have no idea! Wait, one more time.

Videos: A Spy Video of the New Mac Mini [uberreview]

Feb 3 2009 Wrong #: Cell Phone Explodes, Killing Man

We reported on a 'death by cell phone explosion' last year, but that one turned out to be some guy trying to cover up accidentally killing a coworker. Maybe this one's real. Or maybe somebody else pushed the wrong lever.

A man has died after his mobile phone exploded, severing a major artery in his neck, according to reports.

The man, thought to be a shop assistant in his twenties at a computer shop in Guangzhou, China, died after he put a new battery in his phone. It was believed that he may have just finished charging the battery and had put the phone in his breast pocket when it exploded.

According to the local Chinese daily Shin Min Daily News, the accident happened on January 30 at 7.30pm. An employee at the shop told Chinese media that she heard a loud bang and saw her colleague lying on the floor of the shop in a pool of blood. The employee said the victim had recently changed the battery in his mobile phone.

Jesus, I'm never charging my phone again. So if you want to talk to me, you better call quick, because yesterday was my last charge. Yep, I'm only yelling from here on out. YOU HEAR ME? HONEY, I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR DINNER!

Man killed by 'exploding mobile phone' [timesonline]

Thanks to Richie-con-carnie, who once cooked a delicious meal on the heat of a burning cellphone.

NOTE: Picture is not related to story. Except it's a picture of a cell phone that exploded. And caught fire.

Sep 17 2008 Star Wars Episode III With Piss-Poor Subtitles

I don't know if this is real or not, but it certainly could be. Apparently some pirates got a copy of Star Wars Episode III before its release and decided to subtitle it themselves. The result? A homoerotic space thriller!

Skip to about 1:00 to get past the explanation.

Youtube

Thanks Charlie, but you bite my finger and I'll kill you.

Sep 11 2008 Buy Your Own Creepy Bioengineered Pet

GenPets are bioengineered pets specifically created to make petcare as simple as possible. They come in a state of hibernation, but awaken when the sleep inducing protein serum is removed from their nutrient supply tube. Some highlights from the FAQs:

Are Genpets Real animals? How?
Genpets are living, breathing mammals. Bio-Genica is a Bioengineering Company that has combined, and modified existing DNA to create the Genpets lineup. Genpets have blood, bones, and muscle; they will bleed if you cut them, and die if mistreated just like any other animal. The electronic components are only in the packages and are for basic life support, outside of the packages the Genpets are wholly organic.

Do Genpets feel pain?
Yes. However the Genpets have limited vocal chords so they will not create a large amount of noise when disturbed.

Can Genpets become angry or violent?
The Genpets are designed to be docile, combined with that, the nutrient packs keep them well tempered. If a Genpet were to be taken off of its nutrient pack it would die long before any behavioural issues could develop as the nutrient packs are also the Genpets sole source of food.

If you haven't guessed by now, GenPets are faker than my girlfriend's bra busters, but not nearly as fun to poke at in the car while she's trying to drive. GenPets a hoax and art exhibit by Adam Brandejs, and are meant to start an open discussion about the benefits and drawbacks of bioengineering. But they did a bangup job on making the website look believable, so send friends and family there to freak them out. Or, if you're really aiming to scar them, make em watch 6 girls + 2 pitchers.

More pictures after the jump, and stop searching you sicko, there is no 6 girls + 2 pitchers (I hope).

Continue Reading " Buy Your Own Creepy Bioengineered Pet "

Aug 29 2008 Is This A Swedish Sea Monster?

I dunno, it kind of looks like a rectangle humping a tapeworm.

A group of filmmakers claim to have successfully captured Sweden's legendary Great Lake Sea Monster (Storsjöodjuret), which is said to lurk in the waters of the Storsjön outside Östersund in northern Sweden.

"It clearly shows that it's warm and is made up of cells, otherwise our cameras wouldn't indicate red, so it can be a sea snake or some other kind of sea animal," said a female member of the film crew to Sveriges Television news in Jämtland.

The effort to find the monster has generated a great deal of interest, with the American television network NBC planning to document the hunt.

Boy are they in for a surprise. You see, the Great Lake Sea Monster is actually SPOILER ALERT: my penis. I guess he wasn't joking when he said he was packing the balls and moving to Sweden. Wait, then what's....

UPDATE: An ear of baby corn.

Hit the jump for a video news report in Swedish.

Continue Reading " Is This A Swedish Sea Monster? "

Aug 20 2008 Bigfoot: "That Totally Wasn't Me"

In a turn of events that shocked no one, Bigfoot left a message for reporters in the woods claiming the recent pictures of a creature in a freezer, are, in fact, not him. The message, spelled out with carefully arranged arm-length turds, read "that totally wasn't me".

Turns out Bigfoot was just a rubber suit. Two researchers on a quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot say that the carcass encased in a block of ice -- handed over to them for an undisclosed sum by two men who claimed to have found it -- was slowly thawed out, and discovered to be a rubber gorilla outfit.

First, the hair sample was burned and "melted into a ball uncharacteristic of hair," Kulls said in the posting.

The thawing process was sped up and the exposed head was found to be "unusually hollow in one small section." An hour of thawing later and the feet were exposed -- and they were found to be made of rubber.

Well folks, it just goes to show you -- you can't believe every legendary creature is real just because some asshats claim to have one in a freezer. You can't will Bigfoot real, no matter how badly you want to make love to him.

Researchers say bigfoot just a rubber gorilla suit [yahoonews]

Thanks to Dan, SilverSided, Laurel, Brad, The Hashishin, Gingela5, and Melanie for letting me down easy.

Aug 14 2008 Is This Really Bigfoot? (Hint: Hell If I Know)

First the Montauk Monster, then a chupacabra, and now....Bigfoot?

Two Bigfoot hunters claim they have the body of one and plan to release a photo and what they claim is DNA evidence at a news conference in Palo Alto on Friday.

The Bigfoot is claimed to have been found in the woods of northern Georgia by Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, and the claim is being supported by a Bay Area Bigfoot researcher Tom Biscardi, a multiple local Democratic candidate.

I copied the entire press release for the news conference after the jump, so you can check out all the claims, but I'll post a couple of the more interesting ones here:

*The creature is seven feet seven inches tall. *It weighs over five hundred pounds. *It is male. *Its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel. *From the palm of the hand to the tip of the middle finger, its hands are eleven and three-quarters inches long and six and one-quarter inches wide. *The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.)

So folks, what's the deal? I'll continue to follow the story and hit you with an update if there's anything groundbreaking revealed at the press conference tomorrow, provided it's not, "Haha, tricked you!" If that's the case I'll bury this post and pretend I never wrote it. Geekologie Writer: 1, Journalistic Integrity: 0.

Hit it for the press release and a video news report, and yes, that is supposed to be a photo of the thing stuffed in a freezer.

Continue Reading " Is This Really Bigfoot? (Hint: Hell If I Know) "

Aug 11 2008 Montauk Monster Toast Surfaces On eBay

Some clown of asses sold a piece of Montauk Monster toast on eBay.

The life-changing adventure that will culminate with your successful bidding and acquisition of this item all began yesterday morning. In all honesty the morning began like any other for me. I woke gently to the peaceful soft-rock sounds of my local adult contemporary station. After hearing about the local bridge club and their quest to raise funds for their summer charity drive, I was finally compelled to matriculate to the kitchen for my normal Thursday breakfast of fresh grapefruit, small bowl of raisin bran (skim milk), slightly buttered toast, coffee, and 8 ounces of pomegranite juice. I was particularly looking forward to the juice as it is precisely the anti-oxidant superpower pick-me-up I need to help me attack the day.

But my interest and consciousness was quickly rocked to unspeakable heights when I witnessed what happened next. That toast I eluded to earlier had harmlessly popped up from the toaster as normal. But when I grabbed the first piece to lightly glaze with margarine I was stopped in my tracks the moment I saw the ghostly impression of none other than the unbelievable montauk monster laying peacefully in the slightly charred surface of my morning toast. A wave of both horror and wonderment washed over me as I quickly understood what the bystanders that found the actual beast must have felt during those fateful seconds on the beach.

Uh-huh. The winning bid was $810, but the winner has 0 feedback. So it's unlikely they're actually gonna pay for a piece of toast with a monster scraped into it. But there certainly was a lot of interest -- and questions!

Q: I plan to eat this toast. Will I be guaranteed a hint of monster in the flavor? Either way I'm fat and plan to eat it!

A: Well, as I said above, eating this toast would be like using the hope diamond as a door stop. But if you insist on eating it after you win the bidding, then you should find it will taste like any other piece of toast. Thanks, David

Q: What brand of pomegranate juice were you drinking?
A: I only drink POM Wonderful. It's too important of a part of my diet to skimp and pinch pennies. Thanks, David.

Q: I was wondering if I can get a couple eggs on the side? Would that add to the cost of shipping? Can you also include a couple of those little grape jelly containers that you get at Denny's? Thanks a lot.
A: This auction is for legendary Montauk Monster Toast only. Sorry no eggs on the side. Thanks, David

Q: Can I get the toast with eggs and bacon?
A: This auction is for toast only. No eggs, no bacon. Sorry. David

Q: Can I get it with out the crust?
A: This toast will be a full piece of toast as seen in the picture. If you win the auction then you can take the crust off. Thanks, Dave

Oh man, I hate the crust too. It's like bread skin. And you know what they say: skin is in, but fat is where it's at. And also, my pants. My pants are where it's at. If we're talking about my wallet -- but if we're talking about a party, forget about it. These pants haven't even seen a friendly get-together in months.

eBay Auction
via
EBay Seller: 'Montauk Monster' Turns Up on Piece of Toast [foxnews]

Thanks to Kenny Rogers, who in 1997 banged a hooker with a drumstick from his chicken shack.

Jun 24 2008 FAKE: Uncontacted Amazon Tribe A Hoax

Remember the story about the previously-unknown Amazon tribe? Well it turns out it's not entirely true. The photographer that took the picture, José Carlos, has admitted that the tribe has, in fact, been known about since 1910. He created the hoax "in order to call attention to the dangers the logging industry may have on the group." No way, José. Now they're probably gonna log the hell out of that poor tribe just to spite you. What you did was wrong. That's like a highschool health teacher contracting STDs to show to the class. It does makes some kind of point, but you can't help but wonder if there was an easier way.

The Not-So-Lost Tribe [yahoobuzz]

Thanks Abraham, they got me too.

Jun 11 2008 Office Rampage Video That Was So Awesome Is Indeed Fake, Viral Marketing For Wanted

Remember the bad-to-the-ass office rampage video from last week? Turns out it's fake after all. And if that wasn't bad enough, it was a viral marketing video made by Russian director Timur Bekmambetov to hype his new movie, Wanted, starring Angelina Jolie and James MacAvoy. Good job Timur, you totally had me fooled. And for successfully pulling off the hoax I will now reward you by boycotting Wanted. And not just because I hate being tricked, but because you're an asshole and the movie will probably suck anyways. So Timur, you better pray The Iwatchstuff Writer says that shit is solid freaking gold, otherwise I'm picketing the hell out of the local theater.

Cubicle Farm Rampage Video Was Just A Viral Marketing Stunt [gizmodo]

Jun 10 2008 Videos: Popping Popcorn With Cell Phones

This is a video of people popping a few kernels of popcorn using nothing but cell phones. A ton of similar videos have appeared on Youtube recently (more posted after the jump). Needless to say, they're fake. It's just a variation of the "cook an egg with a cellphone" hoax that went around a few years ago. And as awesome as it would be to save $8 by sneaking in and popping your own popcorn in the movie theater, it ain't gonna happen. If cell phones had to power to actually pop corn, my girlfriend's head would have exploded years ago.

Hit the jump for several more of the FAKE! videos.

Continue Reading " Videos: Popping Popcorn With Cell Phones "