Aug 10 2009 I'm At A Loss For Words: An LOL Swastika
For once, I'm at a loss for words. But not bullets.
LOL Swastika Tattoo [buzzfeed]
Thanks to stephen, who went all Inglourious Bastards on this guy.
Jun 30 2009 Goodbye Cruel World: The Wearable Towel
Following in the stylish footsteps of the Snuggie, Slanket, Peakaroo, WonderRobe, MagicJacket, CarpetVest and PlushiePants, comes the Wearable Towel (THAT'S THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH?!). It's a towel with holes in it that you put your head and arms through. And wear. Like an animal pelt, but way more Roman. They cost $20 plus shipping and handling and come in red, white and blue. BECAUSE THEY'RE AMERICAN DAMNIT! Like apple pie, if apple pie was manufactured in Singapore.
Thanks to yourmotherslover, who may or may not be your dad.
Jun 17 2009 A Magical Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder
The Magic Missile Massage Bra from Pangao is supposed to make you breasts larger through the use of a little sorcerer and massaging "forceful vibration balls". Yes, forceful vibration balls. Plus, it comes standard with a pretty sweet spiderweb pattern. But what else can it do?
- Make breast up.
- Dredge breast glands.
- Eliminate blood stasis.
- Effectively prevent women from breasts diseases and flaccid
- Also can move fat and make a well-shaped figure.
- If use it often, you can have a sound sleep, immunity from disease and better internal secretion.
Pretty convincing, huh? I know, I just bought thirty and my breasts were already huge! I plan on wearing them all one on top of the other for exponential tissue growth. ZZ's, here I come! I may need a bigger wheelbarrow.
Magic Massage Bra Enlarges Breasts [gizmodo]
Thanks to ffffffffff, who is offering free massages if you're concerned about the safety of using forceful vibration balls.
Jun 14 2009 Golden: ZOMG, WTF Are Those Things?!
Impressive, but mine drag on the pavement.
Loose In DC Tonight: The Mother of All Truck Nutz [wonkette]
Thanks to Spoonman, who may or may not want to give this vehicle a physical.
May 7 2009 Lose Weight, Somehow: The Boneless Belt
The Boneless Belt is a Japanese weight loss product that's supposed to help you shed the pounds. From the look of things, I'm gonna guess it's far less effective than exercise or tying a dry cleaning bag over your head. But hey, different strokes for different folks gullible idiots.
In effect, the structure of the rubber belt is a large mesh grid that splits the dieter's belly, side and back fat into easily manageable blobs. This allows for increased metabolic consumption of calories and raises the propensity for increased blood flow values. More blood flow = more heat = more burning of fat.
Wow, that was really convincing. And by really convincing I mean I want to pop that shit like a sheet of bubble wrap! *SNAP POP BANG*
Boneless Belt Separates Your Fat Into Small Segments, Shames You [gizmodo]
Apr 15 2009 Highly Questionable: 'Mow The Lawn' Ad
This is the second in a series of highly questionable commercials (tulips on the mound -- WTF?!) for the Shick Quattro For Women TrimStyle with Bikini Trimmer. Which, if you couldn't tell by the name, is a beaver cleaver. Now I'm not going to go into the racial stereotypes presented in this commercial, but needless to say there were some. Admittedly, I do like to keep myself trimmed. And my ladyfriends too. And not just because it won't reach if we both aren't, but that's totally why. Also, what's up with the perfectly spherical bush? Do you women actually do that? Pictures or it didn't happen.
Thanks to Abbo and Eric the Cleric, who don't use razors because they have lasers. That, uh, that sounds scary, guys.
Apr 14 2009 Worth $500K?: The Human Regenerator
The Human Regenerator is a $553,400 piece of monkey shit that's supposed to make you live longer or something. Personally, I think it looks suspiciously like Superman's tanning bed of solitude.
The Human Regenerator is a Quantum-Pulse-Device that imitates and generates the cellular body's natural frequencies ranging between 0.0005 and 38,000 Hz.
Through intensive treatment with the body's own healthy frequencies, the organism is regenerated in a natural way. This process is enhanced by specially treated silicium and aluminum depots, which with the help of right spinning protos have an anti-aging effect.Furthermore, longitudinal waves are used as a filter to create more human-like waves, therefore adding pure positive energy to the body.
Very convincing technology there. Unfortunately, only 50 of the devices are being made, and "will be offered to a small circle of prominent figures of our time." But if you showed up with $500K, I guarantee you could get one. And also, maybe some hooker action. Which, let's be realistic, will do a lot more for you than Quatum-Cell-Coding ever will -- provided you wrap it up. Otherwise, cooties bro.
Thanks to Mushishi, who's also selling a cellular regenerator that looks suspiciously like a microwave oven with no door.
Apr 9 2009 Now That's What I Call Class: The Gold Mouse
The Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse (not to be confused the the piratey USB hub) is actually plastic. Which is why it costs $35 and not $35 gajillion. To its credit though, it does have a scroll wheel. But still, why anybody would actually pay for this garish piece of bullionshit (count it) is beyond me. That said, I bought one as a gag gift for The Superficial Writer. He loves this kind of crap. And also, American Idol.
UPDATE 1 YEAR LATER: ZOMG, The Superficial Writer left a gold brick on his desk -- I'm gonna be rich!
Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse only looks like a million bucks [engadget]
Thanks to Julian and Oscar The Slouch, who are far too classy for those tuxedo-print t-shirts. Right guys? Right?
Apr 2 2009 Game Timer Keeps DS'ing Addiction In Check
Snap -- you just got double entendre'd, son! Moving on. The Health Control Game Timer shuts down your Nintendo DS if you've been playing for too long. How long is too long? Apparently 30, 60, 90 or 120 minutes.
The device also features a distance sensor that will flash a red light when your face gets too close to the screen during those unusually intense gaming sessions.
The highly questionable piece of shit costs $40 and won't work to curb your problem whatsoever. If you really have a gaming addiction you'll either A) never buy one, B) turn the system back on and keep playing for another 2 hours, or 3) pull the device out and Hulk smash it to bits. I mean, it's not liked it's chained to the DS or anything. And, haha, speaking of not being chained to things -- I stole your bike! Now, check out this sick jump I've been working on. *WICKA-POW* Ladies, consider yourself pregnant.
Heatlh Control Game Timer puts digital leash on Nintendo DS fanatics [dvice]
Jan 31 2009 Cheers To You!: Sadly Not A Drinking Game
Many of you have probably already seen this since it was featured on the Ellen Degeneres Show, but for those of you who haven't -- Cheers To You!
Hit the jump for the much better metal-remix.
Continue Reading " Cheers To You!: Sadly Not A Drinking Game "
Jan 8 2009 Highly Questionable Yellow Glasses Supposed To Prevent Computer-Related Eye Fatigue
Gunnar glasses ($100 - $189!!!!!!!!!!) come in cleverly named styles like Bit Surfer, Wi-Five and El Doucherino, and are supposed to prevent the eye fatigue caused by blogging eight hours a day. That's right ladies and gentlemen....prepare to experience "Enhanced Computer Vision".
Ever wonder why your eyes get tired after staring at a PC screen for hours? Gunnar says it's because of the LCD screen's cold color temperature. According to these folks, the bluish tints your PC screen displays strains the eyes, you don't blink as much and your eyes don't hydrate.
So the yellow makes your screen look warmer, and as a result you blink more and your eyes don't get tired. Pffft, what nonsense. Your eyes get tired from staring at a computer eight hours a day BECAUSE YOU'RE STARING AT A GODDAMN COMPUTER EIGHT HOURS A DAY. The only things worse for your eyes are reading fine print and staring at the sun. Or getting one pecked out by a parrot. F*CK YES I WEAR MY EYEPATCH WHEN I BLOG!
