Oct 24 2009 Wow, No: Guy On Craigslist Seeks Amputee For Halloween Costume
Some guy on Craigslist posted an ad seeking a double amputee (no legs) in order to complete his 'Chewbacca carrying a half assembled C-3PO' Halloween costume. In case you can't read the ad above:
So this might seem strange and really offensive to some but hopefully someone will reply. I have always loved the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Chewbacca has to carry around a half reconstructed C3PO in a backpack because he hasn't reattached his lower body yet. For Halloween I would love to dress up like this. I am big enough and strong enough to both pull off the Chewbacca look and to carry around a lot of weight for the night. So basically I am looking for a double amputee (somebody missing both legs - preferably at the hip) to accompany me as C3PO for the evening. We should probably meet ahead of time so that we can work out the backpack/harness system. There are a few parties that I want to hit and I think we will be the hit of any event we attend. Anyone up for this?
So do you think there's like a special hell for people like this or do they go to the regular one? Because this sounds like a Hell 2 kind of situation to me.
amputee-halloween-costume-craigslist ad [filmdrunk]
Thanks to Coby, Tom, Blastphemer and Spoonman, who don't need human props for their Halloween costumes.
Oct 5 2009 Great News!: All Dinosaurs Go To Heaven
In wonderful news, at least according to this $18 t-shirt design from Threadless (where were you on this, CNN?!), all dinosaurs go to heaven. So yeah, maybe there's a merciful God after all. But, as a guy who wasn't ever planning on seeing the pearly gates: does the Catholic church still do that thing they used to where you pay to have your sins absolved? And, if so, can I borrow some money? Couple mill should do me.
Thanks to Adam, who's trying his hardest to go to hell because he heard that's where all marsupials go. You're sick.
Sep 3 2009 Eeeek, Kill Them!: I-SWARM Robotic Army
Bugs don't scare me. But tiny robots? Tiny robots scare the shit out of me. Just look at those evil bastards ganging up on that defenseless screw. It's sickening.
These tiny (4 millimeters on a side) robots are members of the I-SWARM project, which stands for Intelligent Small-World Autonomous Robots for Micro-manipulation. Each robot is simple, with three legs and a little poker to manipulate stuff with. They're designed to work in large, cheap, mass producible, replaceable groups doing things that insects would be good at... Surveillance, obviously, but they could also do things like clean your house by taking care of one bit of dust each.
No, really, this isn't necessary. If I wanted teeny little robots running around everywhere I would have killed myself and gone to hell. Because that's exactly what it's like. Except they're on fire. And they crawl in your holes.
I-SWARM Micro Robots [botjunkie] (the very thought of which makes me sick)
Thanks to Nick, Michael, MDGrein, Ashley and Skynet (screw you!), who are all cool in my book. Except for Skynet. Skynet should implode.
Jun 4 2009 Wackjobs Protest EA At E3 Convention
A bunch of protesters were out holding signs against Electronic Arts during the E3 convention because, hey, fundamentalists get bored too, you know. And apparently they don't play video games.
It seems that gaming giant EA, (that's Electronic Anti-Christ for those of you church folk) has angered the religious denizens of LA with its sinfully spectacular title, Dante's Inferno. The 'Go to Hell' tagline seems to the main focus of debate, with angry protesters warning ignorant gamers to steer clear of the title, regarding it as 'tainted' and 'evil.'
"We are on a crusade to stop the blasphemous glorification of HELL and its minions as presented by Dante's Inferno. The ever decaying youth and slovenly adults who engage with Dante's Inferno are a victim of our society's pointless need to flirt with Satan and his lustful campaign to corrupt human souls...We say NO. We say inferNO."
First of all, "blasphemous glorification of hell", really? This isn't Sims: Hell, it's Dante's Inferno. You battle wicked beasts and shit. I can pretty much guarantee nobody is gonna walk away from this game thinking, "you know, hell looks like an alright place". YOU HAVE TO WALK AROUND WITH LIT CHARCOALS IN YOUR ASS. That is not blasphemous glorification. That is burny-ous constipation. Secondly, I don't flirt with Satan no matter how drunk I get. Or how much fiery vaginas he promises.
UPDATE: FAKE! EA viral marketing. Still not buying the game!
Hit the jump for a pretty bitchin' "Trade in your Playstation for a Praystation" sign.
Jan 16 2009 Virgin Auctioning Virginity Allegedly Gets $3.7 Million Offer -- I Should Know, It Was Me!
Remember 'Natalie Dylan', the 22-year old strumpet who's claiming to be a virgin so she can auction off her virginity to your dad? Yeah, well in what appears to be the longest-running auction ever (my last post was in early September), Natalie has allegedly received a $3.7 million dollar bid. Which, I want it to be noted, I wouldn't even pay for a virgin t-rex. F*** it, not even an albino virgin t-rex. Also, just look at that chick -- I've seen plenty of virgins (or at least the same one in the mirror everyday), and that ain't no Mary.
Natalie allegedly received over 10,000 bids and plans to use the money to go to college (read: get even bigger implants and become an adult-film star). Best of luck, Natalie, I'm rooting for you. And also, bidding. Tosseth aside thine chastity belt -- thou virginity is mine! F***, now I'm even creeping myself out.
22-Year-Old Sells Virginity Online -- and Feds Can't Do a Thing to Stop Her [foxnews]
Thanks to Bryan and The Superficial Writer, who, despite pooling their Whopper coupons, only came up with enough for a 30 seconds apiece with Natalie -- not that they'd need anymore. HIYO!
Nov 24 2008 Bullets And Paper Cuts: Hellboy's Samaritan
This is a papercraft model of Hellboy's revolver, the Samaritan. It's pretty freaking wicked and features a working hinge, loadable bullets, and complicated instructions. Hit the jump to see another pictures of the intricacy. But if there's one thing I've learned during my brief tenure on this planet we call f***ed, it's this: don't ever bring a paper gun to a knife fight -- you're gonna get stabbed.
Hit the link for the 14-page printable instructions.
Continue Reading " Bullets And Paper Cuts: Hellboy's Samaritan "
Nov 21 2008 God's Facebook: Genesis Edition
This is God's Facebook page from the time of Genesis. Unfortunately, I only have screenshots of it because the dude won't accept my friendship request. You sell your soul to the devil for a blogging job ONE TIME....
Hit it for the rest, which I thought was pretty clever.
Aug 6 2008 Hail Explodes Out Of Man's Toilet While In Use
Austrian man Martin Bierbauer was minding his own business, you know, getting his crap on, possibly flipping through a magazine or dirty joke book, when KA-BOOM! -- he was ass-blasted off the toilet by a barrage of hailstones from the shitty depths.
"I heard the pipes rumbling a bit, and suddenly hailstones the size of golf balls started exploding out of the toilet like it was a popcorn machine. There was an avalanche of ice that quickly filled the toilet, then the entire flat, and eventually the entire building. I ran down the stairs with the hailstones following me, and other residents did the same."
The incident at the block of flats in Eisenstadt, the capital of the province of Burgenland, was caused by hailstones flooding into a local drain during a torrential downpour, which became blocked.Local council spokesman Wolfgang Leinner said: "The pressure was too great, the hailstones had to go somewhere and they came out through the toilets it seems."
Haily shit.
Toilet rained giant hailstones to fill building [austriantimes]
Thanks to Kevin, who was using the john once when a Gremlin reached up and grabbed his balls.
Aug 4 2008 Adidaz Hellbeezy Sheeziez Comin' Zoon
Sorry, but I had a bet with a coworker I couldn't use five Z's in a post title. I think it went pretty well, don't you? Barely noticeable. So, Adidas is dropping two new pairs of Hellboy inspired footwear. Those are the two different styles there. They're both limited editions and will be priced around $150. Take a close look at that bottom pair. What do they look like? If you guessed that pair of tight, black vinyl pants I used to wear during my raving days, you guessed correct. You know, the ones that melted to me when I got too close to the bonfire. You ever peeled melted plastic off your junk? It's worse than a burning marshmallow.
Hit the jump for one more picture of the sneakers on top of a shoebox!
Feb 26 2008 Reserve A Spot In Heaven & Sin All You Want
Worried about the life you've lived? Don't worry, I'm with you. But now there's hope for even the worst of us sinners thanks to a company selling reserved spots in heaven. That's right folks, for a paltry $12.79 you too can guarantee a pass to the cloudy oasis that is heaven.
The package includes:Heavenly issued certificate of reservation registered in the Book of Light™
A First class ticket to Heaven. Why walk those stairs when you can fly?
The Official Heaven Identification Card so you can get around without getting hassled.
Heaven 101 mini informational guide. Don’t be a victim of culture shock. Get acquainted with the land.
Now if you're not satisfied with the Essential Package you can opt for the All Access Kit for $15.95. In addition to all the basic crap it includes an " all access VIP pass. This pass will grant you access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Land of Milk and Honey and Thug Mansion, where all the elite get together and kick it." I do like milk and honey, so I may have to drop for the upgrade. Too bad I think this is all a sham. Yeah, it turns out the company also sells reserved spots in hell. That's what tipped me off. Because, let's face it, those spots come free and I've got a whole row reserved.
Heaven Product Page
Hell Product Page
Thanks to Kelly, who doesn't need a stupid pass to be an angel, for the tip
