Nov 12 2009 Pfft, I Knew That: Staring At Breasts Is Good For Your Health, Prolongs A Man's Life

This is probably entirely fake and a giant hoax but I don't care because, well, breasts. Also -- don't question my journalistic integrity or I will swell your eyes shut so bad you'd be lucky to squint a nipple.

According to German research published in New England Journal of Medicine, men staring at women's breasts in fact prolong their lives with years.

"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.

I'm gonna be immortal! Kidding, I don't stare at breasts because I'm a gentleman and wear a top hat. But for the rest of you, go for it. You can start HERE (slightly NSFW, giant tank-topped boobs). I know, it's like a fountain valley of youth, right?

UPDATE: FAKE. But don't let that stop you from trying. Maybe you're the exception.

Looking at Breasts is Healthy [wholefitness]

Thanks to T. Brian, who is probably the healthiest man alive.

Oct 12 2009 Good Ideas: Roofie Detecting Lip Balm

2 Love My Lips is $16 lip gloss that comes with test strips to determine if your drink has been roofied with drugs like GHB or Ketamine. It's a smart idea and I urge everyone to keep a close eye on their beverages at all times (and not just because I'll ninja-drink that shit, but I 100% will).

"If a drink tastes funny, or you are suspicious something is amiss simply dab the ends of the taper in your drink and if they turn blue tell your friends immediately and get help from Security and the Police."

Seriously, roofies are no laughing matter and if you suspect your drink's been spiked I want you to ask me to chug it. BECAUSE I WOULD DO THAT FOR YOU. Knight in shining armor? No, I'm trying to forget that bad.

Drug Detecting Lip Gloss Sniffs Out Roofies [gizmodo]

Sep 16 2009 But I Was Gonna Eat That!: 'Danger: High Voltage' As Demonstrated By A Watermelon

You know how all those high-voltage capacitors have warning signs that tell you not to sit on them or play around them but you do anyways because you're an ultra-L337 badass from the planet Choke-slam? Well this is a video demonstration of what can happen if a drunk electrical worker accidentally left some of the wires exposed and you sat on them. Except, in this demo they use a watermelon instead of your buttocks. The same thing would happen to your ass though, trust me. You see these? *knock knock knock* Wooden cheeks. I'm just like George Washington! Except way handsomer and a better leader.

So, This Is What Those High Voltage Danger Signs Mean [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who actually taught 'ol George how to make love like an eagle falling out of the sky.

Aug 21 2009 Uh-Oh: Gamers More Likely To Be Depressed

No that isn't me. That is a sad gamer. You see, a recent study found that gamers are more likely to be depressed than non-gamers. Shocking, I know.

The average gamer is 35, overweight, and more likely to be depressed, says a new study conducted by researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

The study, which was carried out in the Seattle-Tacoma area, found that gamers reported "lower extraversion, consistent with research on adolescents that linked video-game playing to a sedentary lifestyle and overweight status, and to mental-health concerns."

Oh yeah? Well I'm only 28, overweight and depressed. So put that in your study and smoke it like a bong (BLUBLBLUBLBLUBLBLUBLUB)!

Study: Games are depressing...or are they? [yahoo]

Thanks to Matt, who is like a giraffe in a potato sack.

Jul 30 2009 You've Got To Quit, Smoking Will Kill Us All!

I swear, these public service announcements are getting a little out of hand. That said, here's the latest:

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Reading Geekologie makes you more attractive to the opposite sex. Also, the same sex. Every time you tell a friend about Geekologie a baby unicorn gets its horn and stabs the devil IN HIS CROTCH. Help poke holes in the devil's nads by telling as many people as possible about this great website. Thank you and have a Thirsty Thursday.

Extreme Anti-Smoking Ad [collegehumor]

Thanks to Rodger, steve and Dallas, who smoke rocks. Igneous is their favorite.

Jun 21 2009 Babyglow 'Sleep Suits' Indicate Temperature

Babyglow Sleep Suits are basically Hypercolor onesies for babies. If the baby's temperature passes 98.6°F (37°C), it turns white, indicating possible sickness. Also, if it's vomit covered, that could be a sign. Available this fall, a 3-pack will set you back $35. Alternatively, a 36-pack of Trojans for $17.94....
....
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Babyglow Garment Changes Color When Your Baby Is Running A Fever [ohgizmo]

May 11 2009 Child Safety First: The Stroller Trike

The Taga Stroller Trike allows you to get some exercise while at the same time getting those pasty leeches of yours out from in front of the television -- and into traffic! HONK HONK, BEEP BEEP!

Taga isn't the first pedal powered vehicle with space to load up the kiddies, it does put add a few new levels of convenience to the way you schlep your offspring around.

For starters, it folds up so you can fit it in the car trunk for trips out of town. Then there's the wide range of attachments, including setups for two kids, covered seats for rainy days, and shopping baskets. You can even adjust the length of the Taga depending on what load you need to carry.

Sure, why not? Unfortunately, the Taga is currently only available in Europe because using your children as a protective shield from oncoming traffic is frowned upon here in the states. Which is exactly why I'm moving back in with my parents. Taco night! Ladies? Just a heads up though: if we mess around we have to do it with my bedroom door open.

Taga stroller/trike is an awesome way to bring the kids along on your trips. [dvice]

May 7 2009 Lose Weight, Somehow: The Boneless Belt

The Boneless Belt is a Japanese weight loss product that's supposed to help you shed the pounds. From the look of things, I'm gonna guess it's far less effective than exercise or tying a dry cleaning bag over your head. But hey, different strokes for different folks gullible idiots.

In effect, the structure of the rubber belt is a large mesh grid that splits the dieter's belly, side and back fat into easily manageable blobs. This allows for increased metabolic consumption of calories and raises the propensity for increased blood flow values. More blood flow = more heat = more burning of fat.

Wow, that was really convincing. And by really convincing I mean I want to pop that shit like a sheet of bubble wrap! *SNAP POP BANG*

Boneless Belt Separates Your Fat Into Small Segments, Shames You [gizmodo]

May 6 2009 Needs Work: First US Full-Face Transplant

46-year old Connie Culp was nearly killed when her deranged husband literally blasted her face off with a shotgun in 2004. But now, five years later, she has a new face thanks to a recently deceased organ donor (sign your cards!).

She endured 30 operations to try to fix her face. Doctors took parts of her ribs to make cheekbones and fashioned an upper jaw from one of her leg bones. She had countless skin grafts from her thighs. Still, she was left unable to eat solid food, breathe on her own, or smell.

Then, on Dec. 10, in a 22-hour operation, Dr. Maria Siemionow led a team of doctors who replaced 80 percent of Culp's face with bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from another woman who had just died. It was the fourth face transplant in the world, though the others were not as extensive.

"Here I am, five years later. He did what he said -- I got me my nose," Culp said of Djohan, laughing.

I got me my nose, I got me my nose. My goodness what a heartwarming story. Uncensored picture is after the jump, and, not to be insensitive, but it is a little rough on the eyes. Kind of like a belt sander, but with lasers attached. Seriously though, great job, guys.

You have been warned, now hit it.

Continue Reading " Needs Work: First US Full-Face Transplant "

Apr 27 2009 I Want Out: Electrocuting Rubber Duckie

Looking for a way out but second guessing your decision to dive into a volcano? Enter the Electric Bath Duck, a suicide assistance device that allegedly works better than a toaster. Thankfully, it's fake. But listen -- I don't want any of you killing yourselves anyways, you hear me? Because then who would read the words I write? Nobody, that's who. My family doesn't even read my diary anymore and I leave it open on the coffee table. So if you are having suicidal thoughts, seek help. And remember folks, I'm here for you. God may have spited me downstairs, but I do have big ears.

Hit the jump for a shot of the back.

Continue Reading " I Want Out: Electrocuting Rubber Duckie "

Mar 20 2009 Bus Stop Shames You Into Joining The Gym

Fitness First is a gym in the Netherlands that installed this advertisement at a local bus stop. It has a scale attached to the seat so when you sit on it (with legs hanging) it shows your weight. It's supposed to make you think about your health and joining the gym. But all it made me think about was how long it takes to cook a 68kg turkey.

Fat Shaming at the Bus Stop [current]

Thanks to Jonathan, who once hid lead weights in his pumpkin to win the heaviest pumpkin contest at the county fair.

Mar 19 2009 Take It Seriously: Robot Attack Insurance

This is a Saturday Night Live skit from like 1995, so it's old as all hell, I know that. But I think it's important to note how much more seriously people used to take the robot threat than they do now. What's going on? Ya best protect ya neck! And now, thanks to Old Glory Insurance, geriatrics can be attacked by killer robots worry-free of the financial burden often caused by such maulings. Unfortunately, you're on your own if you're under 50, so I recommend doing what I did and wearing a fake mustache. I say, how about that '64 World's Fair? First trip Gertie and I ever took to the Big Apple. I remember she flashed her tits to the butter sculptor. Good times. I'll take $1 million policy, please.

Old Glory [hulu]

Thanks to Stephanie, who may or may not have taken policies out on the old folks who live next door and then reprogrammed their Roomba.

Mar 18 2009 Percent Of Student Virgins Per College Major

As you can see, majoring in Mathematics or Chemistry pretty much guarantees you a sexless college experience. Good for you, hopefully you took a purity pledge or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, "CALLING ALL FEMALE STUDIO ART MAJORS, PARTY AT MY HOUSE -- BRING FINGERPAINT."

Virginity rates among students by major [forwardon]

Thanks to Julian (a poli-sci major) and Romeo, who majored in Juliet. HIYO!

Feb 25 2009 Excessive Gaming Can Cause Skin Sores

That's right folks, too much gaming can give you the stink-palm, according to a recent article in the British Journal of Dermatology. Of course, the disorder (Playstation palmar hidradenitis) may be based entirely on the single case of a 12-year old girl.

Doctors who examined her at the Geneva University Hospital concluded she had a condition known as 'idiopathic eccrine hidradenitis', a skin disorder that generally causes red, sore lumps on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet.

The doctors suspect that the problem was caused by tight and continuous grasping of the console's hand-grips, and repeated pushing of the buttons, alongside sweating caused by the tension of the game.

The unsightly lumps went away after 10 days of gaming abstinence. Now listen folks: if reddened palms are the only negative effect of your excessive gaming, be thankful. After all, you've still got your social life, right? Right?

Game consoles 'cause skin sores' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Shelley, Becky, JMR and Tank, who have no fear of developing Playstation palmar hidradenitis because they only play XBox.

Feb 20 2009 Woman's Weave Proves Tighter Than A Speeding Bullet, Saves Life From PEW

A woman's tightly woven hair weave allegedly saved her life from a gunshot fired by her ex-boyfriend.

The 20-year-old Kansas City woman told police Juan Kemp, her ex-boyfriend, opened fire on her while she was inside her car at a Kansas City convenience store Wednesday night.

Bonds' back window and tail light were shot out, but it is what police found in her weave that is amazing. Detectives pulled a spent bullet from the back of Bonds' head. It had become lodged in her weave.

(Hairdresser Kim) Walton said while the weft is the strongest part of the weave and would be the most difficult to penetrate, she finds it hard to believe a weave could stop a bullet.

Captain Brokenheart of the USS Fails At Life and his friend were later arrested. Now, physicists out there: is this even possible? I feel like it had to be a ricochet or something. There's just no way. But, if there is a way, this guy needs a weave!

Woman's hair weave stops bullet [woai]
and
News Video [yahoonews]

Thanks to Julian, who once caught a speeding bullet in his teeth but lost a filling.

Feb 20 2009 Coca-Cowla, Now With More Bovine Urine

Cow urine soda, folks, it quenches your thirst and is packed with vitamins like Yellow #5. Mmmm, delicious AND nutritious.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), a Hindu nationalist conservative party, plans to sell 'Gau Jal', or 'Cow Water', as a rival to soft drink giants Pepsi and Coca Cola...the drink will not contain any additives and that inclusion of medicinal and ayurvedic herbs ensures it doesn't smell bad.

The cow is sacred to Hindus and the RSS has already promoted its urine as a cure for everything from liver disease to cancer.

Well sign me up for a case. And also, how do they collect all this cow urine. Is it anything like collecting semen from a bull? If so, count me in!

Hindu group makes cola from cow urine [msn]

Thanks to Ramy and Cosmic Rocket Man, who once drank Chupacabra urine and developed x-ray vision. Sweet!

Feb 13 2009 Don't Try This At Home: Shooting Friend With Black Powder Powered Nerf Projectile

Note: Video contains a little foul language. Sailors, please ignore this warning.

Basically these asshats stuff a suction-cup tipped Nerf projectile into a real gun, pack the thing full of black-powder, and shoot some guy in the gonads. It looks like it hurts. Skip to about 2:30 for the actual shooting to begin. But warning: you may want to cover your own junk with a coffee cup while you watch. Haha, just make sure it's empty first -- MEDIC!

Tip: don't fire a Nerf dart out of a real gun [dvice]

Thanks to Ryan, who once shot a friend in the ass with a blow-dart gun and would have gotten his ass kicked had he not coated the dart in poison frog.

Feb 11 2009 Pfft, Stitches, How About A Little PEW PEW?

In an attempt to prove that not all PEWs are bad PEWs, doctors at Tel Aviv University have developed a laser that is capable of sealing wounds safer and more efficiently than traditional stitches.

The laser allows a wound to be welded shut as opposed to sutured, which makes it far more watertight and there's less tearing. It's done by very carefully controlling the temperature of the beam, and Israeli patients treated with the laser have already enjoyed faster healing times and less scarring.

Cool, but can it still blind you if you stare at it too long? And, if not, can you make me one that can? The bully that lives across the street threw a rock at me when we got off the bus yesterday, and I want to burn his eyes out. Also, his older sister is hot. I want to see her naked. PEW PEW?

Hit the jump for a video of the PEW in action.

Continue Reading " Pfft, Stitches, How About A Little PEW PEW? "

Feb 7 2009 eBay: Vampire Killing Kit Perfect For Bedroom

We've featured a couple other vampire killing kits (not to mention zombie killing ones) here on Geekologie, but I particularly like this one because it's nice and discreet. Typically, it just looks like an old art print (lower right in photo), but slide the front off and TA-DOW -- a mirror, cross, garlic, holy water and stake.

So the next time your suspicious friend who only comes over after dark and stares at your neck is in your room, whip out the mirror from this, and if there is no reflection, you'll be glad the rest of what you need is at your fingertips! Yeah!

I've got news for you: if you whip out that mirror and your lady friend doesn't have a reflection, guess what -- you just had sex with a vampire! High-fives all around! Now stake her.

eBay Auction

Thanks to Mike, who's never killed a vampire but has slayed two dragons.

Feb 6 2009 Geekologie Reader's Bacon Beerito Recipe

Loyal Geekologie Reader Sheniferous decided to share his Beer Burrito with me. And, since caring means sharing, I decided to pass along the coronary infarction to you. No need to thank me folks, just dig in.

We start off with the secret filling (Geekologie Writer's note: appears to be a rice and vegetable mixture -- Sheniferious, I'm thinking sausage and pepperoni next time), that's swimming in an All-Malt Porter. Then we bake porter-marinated bacon and not only chop it up in to bits for the beerito filling, but then lay two strips in the beerito. The beerito is then wrapped in porter-soaked tortillas, wrapped with two thicker porter-marinated strips of bacon. It's then dipped in beer batter and deep fried. Mmmm...mmm delicious!!!

My goodness, that sounds delectable. I've been living off Kid Cuisines and gin for the better part of a year now, and I've got to admit: marathon runs.

Hit the jump for a couple more and a link to the Flickr gallery.

Continue Reading " Geekologie Reader's Bacon Beerito Recipe "