Nov 17 2009 There's Got To Be An Easier Way: Guy Uses Crane-Lifted Lawnmower To Trim His Hedge

In a feat of extreme-mowing, two men in Cambridge, New Zealand used a crane to lift a lawnmower high enough to trim one's overgrown hedges. Nice, guys, I like the way you think -- EXXXTREME!!

The operator, who did not want to be named, is now nursing a broken hand, but said it wasn't a fall from the mower that caused the injury but one off the crane.

He admitted it was not the safest method of trimming the hedge, but said it was all done as a bit of a joke.

They wanted to film the stunt, put it on the internet and see how many hits it got, but in the end had no video camera.

That, my friends, is pathetic. Not only a broken hand BUT NO VIDEO. WTF?! I demand a re-do. But this time with fireworks shooting out the back. Oooh, and bikini girls. Plus more injuries. I suggest fraying the cables and loosening the mower blade. YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE CENTURY! And I want producer credit.

High rider trims his hedge [stuff]

Thanks to Patrick, who trims his hedge the old fashioned way: with a straight-razor. Yikes!

Nov 12 2009 Pfft, I Knew That: Staring At Breasts Is Good For Your Health, Prolongs A Man's Life

This is probably entirely fake and a giant hoax but I don't care because, well, breasts. Also -- don't question my journalistic integrity or I will swell your eyes shut so bad you'd be lucky to squint a nipple.

According to German research published in New England Journal of Medicine, men staring at women's breasts in fact prolong their lives with years.

"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.

I'm gonna be immortal! Kidding, I don't stare at breasts because I'm a gentleman and wear a top hat. But for the rest of you, go for it. You can start HERE (slightly NSFW, giant tank-topped boobs). I know, it's like a fountain valley of youth, right?

UPDATE: FAKE. But don't let that stop you from trying. Maybe you're the exception.

Looking at Breasts is Healthy [wholefitness]

Thanks to T. Brian, who is probably the healthiest man alive.

Nov 1 2009 Sure, Why Not?: Driving Around In A Half-Car

Ever wanted to see some crazy Serbian driving around in car that's been cut in half? Then today's your lucky day! I kept waiting for him to flip the thing over on himself but the physics weren't there. And speaking of crazy Serbians: I used to know one. He drove a bright yellow VW GTI with a matching smiley face air freshener hanging from the rearview and an AK-47 in the trunk. I never rode with him.

Youtube

Thanks to alex, who claims he could do the same thing with a 1/4 car.

Oct 30 2009 $899 For The World's Cleanest Keyboard

Germaphobe? Worried about the bovine flu (it's coming, you watch)? Tired of operating a keyboard when you're 99.98% sure The Superficial Writer was touching with himself while using it? Enter the $899 Vioguard self-sanitizing keyboard.

The Vioguard keyboard is aimed at medical market uses and consumers in Canada. It uses two 25-watt UV lights to kill 99.99% of viruses and bacteria in about 90 seconds. Ultraviolet light is known to be affective against harmful microorganisms such as H1N1 flu, MRSA and molds.

Alternatively, only operate the keyboard while wearing surgical gloves, which is what I do. You should see everybody in the office tense up when I'm slapping them on! I think it's the winking that really gets to them.

The Cleanest Keyboard From Vioguard [techfresh]

Thanks to naas, who doesn't need a keyboard because he rocks dual mice.

Oct 28 2009 Just Ordered Two Cases: Dinosaur Condoms

That's right, dinosaur shaped condoms. Available from Willy Wardrobe (probably NSFW, but also has a bunch of other novelty condoms), each Stegosaurus E-Rex will set you back £2.50 (~$4) and is not recommended for re-use (even though you and I both know you totally will anyway).

A bit of a sexual fossil? Then this dinosaur condom is for you!

Warning: Sold as novelty only. Product may be used during intercourse although there is no guarantee that it will prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

Also, not responsible for lost spines.

Okay, so I made that last part up. Still, you've got to wonder. WONDER WHY NOBODY WAS MAKING THESE EARLIER! Plus, they like a perfect fit to me. Pfft, don't even act like your penis doesn't have feet too.

Product Site

Thanks to Starchitect, Ezrail, david, DatsMark, Xavire, Ross, John, sara, Jody and clipper, for knowing me all too well.

Oct 22 2009 Retractable Speed Bump Awards Slow Drivers

The Intelligent Bump is a speed bump that lowers itself if a driver is under a predetermined speed. It has no effect on me though because I drive a hovercar from the future.

Dubbed the Intelligent Bump, this clever system by Mexico-based Decano Industries actually retracts if you're "going slow enough", rewarding cautious drivers. These bumps are priced at an affordable $1,500 each.

"The system uses metal plates that measure the force of an impact against them. Cars going slow enough will cause the plates to lower, though any faster and the speed bump will remain where it is."

Listen, I hate speed bumps as much as the next person, but if I find out my state government is blowing $1,500 a pop for the things I'm gonna stop paying taxes. And by stop I mean never start. I'm flying under the radar, whee! Oh -- now I'm barnstorming! NNNNNNEEEEEAAAROOOOOOOM.

Hit the jump to see an animation of the bump in action that may or may not have contracted out to a kindergarten art class.

Continue Reading " Retractable Speed Bump Awards Slow Drivers "

Sep 17 2009 How To Light A Grill With Liquid Oxygen

First of all, I'm not convinced liquid oxygen is real because, if it is, why can't I breath underwater? I want a merman, damnit. But if it is real, this is a video of Theo Gray lighting a charcoal grill with the stuff. Apparently it's dangerous, but I find it hard to believe. I mean, it's just a liquid. Jesus, it's not like I just ate and wanna go swimming in the stuff.

Lighting a Grill with Liquid Oxygen Is the Opposite of Safe [gizmodo]

Thanks to Van, who may or may not house a real husky bastard down by the river.

Sep 4 2009 Balls Of Steel: F-18 Hornet Buzzes Man's Head

This is a video of an F-18 Hornet buzzing some guy's head so close you can taste the jet fuel. Now I'm not saying this thing would kill you if it hit you, but it would certainly mess your hair up. Also, not to brag or nothin', but one time I let a jet land ON MY FACE. Now who's the man?!

F-18 Hornet Ultra Low High Speed Fly By [todaysbigthing]

Thanks to Matt, who once flew a prop-plane through a barn and accidentally hit a chicken.

Aug 21 2009 Uh-Oh: Gamers More Likely To Be Depressed

No that isn't me. That is a sad gamer. You see, a recent study found that gamers are more likely to be depressed than non-gamers. Shocking, I know.

The average gamer is 35, overweight, and more likely to be depressed, says a new study conducted by researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.

The study, which was carried out in the Seattle-Tacoma area, found that gamers reported "lower extraversion, consistent with research on adolescents that linked video-game playing to a sedentary lifestyle and overweight status, and to mental-health concerns."

Oh yeah? Well I'm only 28, overweight and depressed. So put that in your study and smoke it like a bong (BLUBLBLUBLBLUBLBLUBLUB)!

Study: Games are depressing...or are they? [yahoo]

Thanks to Matt, who is like a giraffe in a potato sack.

Jul 30 2009 You've Got To Quit, Smoking Will Kill Us All!

I swear, these public service announcements are getting a little out of hand. That said, here's the latest:

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Reading Geekologie makes you more attractive to the opposite sex. Also, the same sex. Every time you tell a friend about Geekologie a baby unicorn gets its horn and stabs the devil IN HIS CROTCH. Help poke holes in the devil's nads by telling as many people as possible about this great website. Thank you and have a Thirsty Thursday.

Extreme Anti-Smoking Ad [collegehumor]

Thanks to Rodger, steve and Dallas, who smoke rocks. Igneous is their favorite.

May 12 2009 Not For The Faint: Robots Beating The Ever Living Hell Out Of Crash Test Dummies

This is some really disturbing footage from the German Aerospace Center's Institute of Robotics and Mechtronics (soon be known as a pile of rubble. Minions -- attack!) showing robots beating the ever living hell out of crash test dummies. FOR FUN. WHILE SOME SICKOS LAUGH IN THE BACKGROUND. Allegedly the experiments were conducted in an attempt to help make robots safer, but guess what -- THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A SAFE ROBOT. Just sayin', my roommate lost three toes to a Roomba and can now only walk in circles.

Robots crash into dummies, identify human weaknesses [engadget]

Thanks to billcollider, Chase is First, Barry, Nelson and Wout, who have each taken out like 40 robots and even dated a few long term. You guys make me sick.

Apr 25 2009 Bear Grylls Drinks Elephant Dung Juice

This video is like two years old so if you've seen it, congratulations, free Geekologie bumper sticker. Just leave an 'OLD' and your bank account info in the comments and I'll have it transferred first thing Monday morning. Anyway, did you know that in an emergency situation you can drink the juice out of elephant shit? No, because you'd rather die. And I'd imagine puking afterward would probably end up doing more harm than good. But Bear Grylls is all man. Also, I love how a piece of shit almost falls in his mouth at 0:34, classic.

Youtube

Thanks to Tim, who tried it with baby shit and *HORF*

Mar 31 2009 Puff Puff Pass: USB Smokeless Cigarettes

Need a nicotine fix but can't leave your cube? No problem! Puff on a Health E-Cigarette from Thanko! Identical to pretty much ever other electronic cigarette out there, the $30 device "uses a heating element to vaporize a nicotine solution to supposedly give you a purer smoking experience", which is just fancy marketing jargon for, "short-circuit and burn your office to the ground". Trust me folks, I hold a Master's in Marketing. And also, Lovemaking. You see this? You see this move I'm doing right now? Senior thesis, baby.

Thanko's USB-powered Health E-Cigarettes sound healthy [engadget]

Thanks to Julian, who once got caught smoking a tampon in the boy's room because some upperclassmen told him it was a cigar.

Mar 25 2009 Wow: Man Survived Two Atomic Bombings

93-year old Tsutomu Yamaguchi was recently recognized as the first survivor of both the Nagasaki and Hiroshima atomic bomb droppings of 1945. Allegedly, he still pisses depleted uranium.

Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima on a business trip on Aug. 6, 1945, when a U.S. B-29 dropped an atomic bomb on the city. He suffered serious burns to his upper body and spent the night in the city. He then returned to his hometown of Nagasaki just in time for the second attack, city officials said.

"As far as we know, he is the first one to be officially recognized as a survivor of atomic bombings in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki," Nagasaki city official Toshiro Miyamoto said.

Thousands of survivors continue to seek official recognition after the government rejected their eligibility for compensation. The government last year eased the requirements for being certified as a survivor, following criticism the rules were too strict and neglected many who had developed illnesses that doctors have linked to radiation

Speaking of radiation, I want some freaking superpowers already -- and I'm not afraid to go atomic to get them. Atomic Fireballs that is! *CRUNCH* ZOMG, too hot, too hot!!!

Man Survived 2 Atomic Bombings [aolnews]

Thanks to Pat and MoD, who have both survived three bombings and now have x-ray vision. So, what color underwear am I wearing, guys? Ha, those are my nuts is right!

Mar 22 2009 I Need Some!: Mercury(II) Thiocyanate

Mercury Thiocyanate used to be made into "Pharoah's Serpent" fireworks similar to the "black snake" tablets you light and watch grow into a crusty snake. Unfortunately, it produces mercury vapors during the process so now the tablets are made out of a much safer sodium bicarbonate compound. Boo, I know. Still, wicked awesome if you can get your hands on some. Which, thanks to my ultra-sweet Geekologie connections, I just have. So -- are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you guessed, "glue-stick a bunch to my penis and try to impress women at the bar", you are. High-five! Haha, that was just glue-stick, I swear. Now watch this!

UPDATE: IT BUUUUUUUURNS! *helicoptering* Ladies?

Youtube

Thanks to John, who once beat Mr. Wizard in a match-holding contest.

Mar 20 2009 Bus Stop Shames You Into Joining The Gym

Fitness First is a gym in the Netherlands that installed this advertisement at a local bus stop. It has a scale attached to the seat so when you sit on it (with legs hanging) it shows your weight. It's supposed to make you think about your health and joining the gym. But all it made me think about was how long it takes to cook a 68kg turkey.

Fat Shaming at the Bus Stop [current]

Thanks to Jonathan, who once hid lead weights in his pumpkin to win the heaviest pumpkin contest at the county fair.

Mar 19 2009 Take It Seriously: Robot Attack Insurance

This is a Saturday Night Live skit from like 1995, so it's old as all hell, I know that. But I think it's important to note how much more seriously people used to take the robot threat than they do now. What's going on? Ya best protect ya neck! And now, thanks to Old Glory Insurance, geriatrics can be attacked by killer robots worry-free of the financial burden often caused by such maulings. Unfortunately, you're on your own if you're under 50, so I recommend doing what I did and wearing a fake mustache. I say, how about that '64 World's Fair? First trip Gertie and I ever took to the Big Apple. I remember she flashed her tits to the butter sculptor. Good times. I'll take $1 million policy, please.

Old Glory [hulu]

Thanks to Stephanie, who may or may not have taken policies out on the old folks who live next door and then reprogrammed their Roomba.

Mar 18 2009 Hey, Gamer Chicks Need Love Too (Call Me)

Is that Megatron? He looks....different. Jowly. Really jowly. Transform and rolls out!

Thanks to gizmoduck, who is a chick but dresses like Link. Which, hey, is a-okay in my book (send pictures).

Mar 18 2009 Percent Of Student Virgins Per College Major

As you can see, majoring in Mathematics or Chemistry pretty much guarantees you a sexless college experience. Good for you, hopefully you took a purity pledge or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, "CALLING ALL FEMALE STUDIO ART MAJORS, PARTY AT MY HOUSE -- BRING FINGERPAINT."

Virginity rates among students by major [forwardon]

Thanks to Julian (a poli-sci major) and Romeo, who majored in Juliet. HIYO!

Mar 2 2009 Woman Finds Old Nokia In Bag Of Chips

Somebody's mother in Wisconsin found an old Nokia 6810 in a bag of freshly opened Clancy's Ripples. Wow, people actually still rock those old brick phones? Yes, people who work in potato chip factories do.

The phone, which didn't work, was slathered with "greasy potato-chip film" and looked like it once lived on a belt clip. "You kind of don't want chips for a while" after something like that, she said. Schweiger isn't sure what she'll do next but hopes the FDA can track down the owner of the phone.

She's glad she found the phone and not a child who might have put it in his or her mouth, she said. She's also glad the phone wasn't in a product she would have heated, she said. Schweiger doesn't know when she'll have an appetite for potato chips again, but when she does, she'll do things a little differently.

"I will never, ever eat chips out of a bag again," she said. "They will be dumped in the bowl."

Wow, could you be any less grateful? You opened a bag of chips, found a prize, and then complained about it. Congratulations, you just won the lottery! "I dunno, I'm starting to wish I'd picked different numbers...." Seriously though, are you gonna eat those?

This Bag Of Clancy's Ripple Potato Chips Needs More Nokia Phones [consumerist]

Thanks to ray and twellve, who each found a pager in a bag of steamed vegetables and were happy about it.