Nov 13 2009 Ladies: Quick Conversions Cooking Towel
I've never cooked anything in my life except crystal meth and I ended up blowing up the trailer, but I have eaten things before. Including, and virtually limited to: cereal and pudding. What can I say, I'm a health nut. Anyway, the Useful Towel is a $22 piece of fabric with conversions and stuff on it. I think. I actually don't know what they are, it all looks like jibber-jabber to me. But I'd still tie it around my waist and prance around the kitchen bare-assed. Suck it, Jamie Oliver!
Useful Towel Has a Couple of Uses [uberreview]
Nov 5 2009 This Isn't Your Grandma's Cell Phone! Yes It Is.
If there's one thing old people love it's soft food. If there's another it's stuff with giant-ass buttons so they can push the right one with their shaky, arthritic fingers. Aaaaaand I've officially depressed myself. Good times. Anyway, this is a cell phone for old people and people with fat fingers. Or, as we like to call them in the hand modeling biz, Vienna digits.
The 6380 Senior Mobile Phone ($75 USD) does actually have a few handy features, including a built in flashlight, and a giant "SOS" button on the back that can automatically dial a pre-set emergency number, and emit a loud warning alarm. It's also got a minimal display with large on-screen fonts, and a whopping 128×60 screen resolution.
I kind of want one. Not that I have fat fingers, because I don't. I'm just clumsy. One time I tried ordering a pizza and ended up spending an hour on a phone sex line. DAMN YEAH I WANT PEPPERONI ON THAT!
Hit the jump for two more shots of the latest in geriatric communication technology.
Continue Reading " This Isn't Your Grandma's Cell Phone! Yes It Is. "
Oct 28 2009 Save The Nails For Me, Clark: Meat Hands
Meat hands are exactly what they sound like unless you thought they were gloves printed to look like your hands without skin, in which case, God you're sick. No, basically they're meatloaf molded in the shape of hands with onion slices for fingernails and arm bone and some melted cheese on a bed of mashed potatoes. Would you eat them? Because I wouldn't. I don't care how much hair you sprinkle on top! Okay, yes I do. No pubes though! Fine, MINIMUM PUBES.
Hit the jump for several closeups of the arguable deliciousness and a link to step-by-step instructions.
Continue Reading " Save The Nails For Me, Clark: Meat Hands "
Sep 17 2009 Genius!: Neck Tie Beer Bottle Opener
The After Office Tie, by Argentinian design firm Sinapsis, appears to be an ordinary neck tie when worn under a suit. But little will your boss know that there's actually a bottle opener at the bottom perfect for opening happiness (read: booze) while on the clock! You know, this reminds me: one day I almost finished a whole case of beer at work. *glug glug glug* Aaaaaaaand I did it! Now, who's down for happy hour? I will drink your ass under the table! Oooh, and while you're down there -- you spy any loose Chex mix? I like the cereal bits.
Concept: Tie with built-in bottle opener [crunchgear]
Thanks to Jason, who opens beer bottles with his eye socket like a normal pirate.
Jul 27 2009 Cute: Dog Leash Has Severed Hand To Hold
Seen here with optional belly dancing belt, the Hand Leash from Alice Wang is just that: a leash with a mannequin hand that you hold. Also works great for cats (I'm looking at you, crazy cat lady). Now why nobody thought of this sooner is beyond me. I mean, it just makes sense. That said, I'm still holding out for a foot model. What? DON'T JUDGE ME.
Hit the jump for a couple more shots.
Continue Reading " Cute: Dog Leash Has Severed Hand To Hold "
Jul 17 2009 Cell Phone Lighter: For All Your Cancer Needs
The SB6309 Lighter Phone isn't just the best named cellphone ever, it's also the first with a functional cigarette lighter. Brain AND lung cancers in one fell swoop! But seriously, mind if I do a J?
instruction
SB6309 The world's first mobile phone with lighter!
Patent product Gold cigarette lighter
Defend wind,
No gas,
Never blew out
Suit for high altitude areas
Well technically, those weren't instructions. They were, however, convincing. That's right -- you're looking at the first U.S. authorized dealer! Haha, now my garage is on fire.
Lighter phone may be the most dangerous cellphone ever [dvice]
Thanks to FDSY, who once went to a strip club where the strippers dipped their nipples in wax and you were allowed to light your cigarettes off them.
Jan 29 2009 No, Nuh-Uh, No Way: The Robo-Urinal
Allegedly this robo-urinal holds your junk while you pee. For once in my life I'm really praying it's a Photoshop job or some really sick art project. You know the rule about having at least a urinal of separation between you and another dude in the bathroom? Well there are not enough urinals in the world to safely separate you from this thing. I wouldn't even feel safe pissing in the women's room sink.
Oh Hell No [tinypic]
Thanks to NinjaMuffin, who can melt enemies like butter on his top.
Jan 20 2009 Umm, Okay: Wooden Hand iPhone Holder
Looking for a $95 wooden iPhone holder that looks like a hand? Well look no further, you eccentric bastard you, here she blows!
This custom hand carved iPhone Holder is one-of-one worldwide! Wow you Apple loving friend with this ultra-exclusive accessory. The precise carving of this iPhone base realistically replicates the human hand. Compatible with Original iPhone and iPhone 3G for a very snug and precise fit. iPhone conveniently slides in and out vertically.
That's, uh....that's something. Not really my cup of tea, but that's just because I don't feel like lugging a giant wooden hand around in my pocket all day. I mean, I've got enough hand in my pocket as it is. And speaking of which -- two ball, change pocket.
Hit the jump for some closeups and a link to the Etsy product page.
Jun 2 2008 Geek Side Is The Best Side: Geek Gang Signs
Here are some geek gang signs that some nerds came up with when they were working on a secret handshake. As you can see, they're pretty questionable. But not nearly as questionable as the leftover red beans and rice I just had for lunch. Half the beans jumped out of the bowl and tried to stab me with my own fork while the rice just sat there and watched. Long story short: I had to go hungry, which sucks because all I had for breakfast were two hits of paper and four bonghits.
Geek Gang Signs [accordianguy]
Thanks Shawn, now lets come up with a super-sweet Geekologie handshake. Got any ideas?
Jan 10 2008 FOZI Tripod Is Plastic, Foldable, Fits In Wallet
The FOZI tripod is a little piece of plastic you can keep in your wallet. When you need to take good naked pictures of yourself to send to internet love interests you fold it, insert tab A into tab receptacle B, and presto -- a tripod. It can hold cameras, phones and portable media devices at four different angles, depending on if you're going for an above the waist shot or the full monty. They cost $6 shipped in Australia and $9 to the US, Canada, UK or New Zealand. It might not be a bad idea to have a little plastic tripod in your wallet at all times. Could come in handy. Like the time I got drunk with Bigfoot and a chupacabra and wanted to take a group picture but didn't have a tripod. Oh those were good times. Well, until Bigfoot called Mr. Chupacabra a pussy. It was an epic battle, but Bigfoot went down in the end.
A video of the thing in action if you can't imagine how it works.
Continue Reading " FOZI Tripod Is Plastic, Foldable, Fits In Wallet "
Dec 4 2007 Cigarette Lighter Flashlight For Your Car
The Spotlight Rechargeable LED Light ($15) is a little flashlight that charges in you car's 12 volt cigarette lighter. It's got a high output 0.5 watt LED, fully charges in 3 hours, and will last over an hour on a charge. Could be handy if you're hungry and remember there are probably some Wendy's fries under the seat. I'd get it for that purpose alone, because I'm tired of just randomly fishing around down there with my hand. Just yesterday I thought I had scored a fry but didn't realize it was a pencil until after I had swallowed it.
Note: The concept was apparently conceived on a piece of lined paper, which we all know is inferior to a bar napkin for ground breaking ideas, so purchase at your own risk.
Spotlight Rechargeable LED Light For Your Vehicle [coolestgadgets]
