Nov 6 2008 20 Years Of Research For This?: Scientists Develop Way To Grow Blue Roses, People With Incurable Diseases Do Not Rejoice

After much trial and tribulation, scientists have finally developed a safe way to grow blue roses. What was wrong with just putting white roses in a vase of water dyed blue with food coloring? Pfft, that's some unscientific bullshit, that's what.

The blooms are genetically modified and have been implanted with a gene that simulates the synthesis of blue pigment in pansies. "They are attracting lots of attention here because they are so unusual."

The creation of blue roses - long thought to be impossible - was masterminded by an Australian-based subsidiary of Suntory, a Japanese company.

A blue rose has long been synonymous with the unattainable, from signifying unrequited love in Chinese folklore to its Victorian era connotations of symbolizing a quest for the impossible.

Well thank Jesus. Finally I'll be able to sleep at night knowing scientists may not have cured cancer, but, screw it, roses now come in blue. Your rose color lesson for the day:

Red: Love. Alternatively: I cheated on you.
Pink: Gratitude. Alternatively: I cheated on you with the secretary. Twice.
Orange: Desire. Alternatively: I want somebody else but they're not having it, so l'd like to continue doing you in the interim.
Yellow: Friendship. Alternatively: you have a butter face.
White: Purity. Alternatively: I know you're a filthy whore, but let's pretend anyways.
Lavander: Enchantment. Alternatively: you should be burned at the stake!
Blue: Mystery. Alternatively: f*** you.

World's first blue roses after 20 years of research [telegraph]

Thanks to Momboelitist, who only sends black roses. And then stabs you.

Sep 18 2008 'Toilet Paper Researchers' Develop 3-Ply TP

First of all, what in the hell is a 'toilet paper researcher', and how do I become one? Secondly, this is ridiculous. I've been wiping with the comics for years, and let me tell you -- you could probably read Garfield on my buttcheeks.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Hey, I'm not 45+ or female, but I'm all for a "sanctuary of quality time". I spend countless hours in my cozy fortress of solitude. It even has a bidet. I've been using it for a couple months and, honest to God, I haven't gotten a single cavity. Yay fluoride!

Toilet-Paper Researchers Create 3-Ply Tissue [livescience]
via
"Toilet Paper Researchers" Create 3-Ply Tissue [gizmodo]

Thanks to Emma, who, in the world of comfy toilet paper, would be like 12-ply