Nov 12 2009 You Fools!: Government Convinced Martians Were Going To Make Contact In 1924

In 1924, during Mars's opposition (when Earth, on its inner orbit, passes between the Sun and Mars) the US Navy sent a telegram alerting all its stations to be on the lookout for possible alien contact from the red planet. WOW!

Turns out that during the 1924 Mars opposition--when Mars would be closer to Earth than it had been since 1804--the secretary of the Navy sent a telegram to all naval stations asking them to "COOPERATE ASTRONOMERS WHO BELIEVE POSSIBLE THAT MARS MAY ATTEMPT COMMUNICATION BY RADIO WAVES WITH THIS PLANET WHILE THEY ARE NEAR TOGETHER."

BWAHAHAHAHA -- Martians! Like, aliens from Mars! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I've got news for you: there aren't any aliens on Mars. Pluto, yes, but they're so pissed off we reclassified their home as a dwarf planet they don't have anything to say to us.

UPDATE: I lied, turns out they do have something to say: "F*** you -- have fun with the global warming".

Navy was ordered to listen for Martians in 1924 [scifiwire]

Thanks to junkyard dog, who eats scrap metal and tires and shit because that's what junkyard dogs do.

Nov 2 2009 Whittlin': Guns Carved Into Old School Desks

Ben Turnbull is a London-based artist that hates America (USA! USA! USA!) and whittles guns into old wooden school desks. I smell a detention slip!

Ben Turnbull is fascinated by the global dominance of American culture, and his works unsettling effects result from re-presenting the toys of our innocent youth in symbolic forms that reveal the shocking truths about war, death and guns in the world's most powerful country. Turnbull is a passionate critic of the contemporary American political system, and explains why toys are central to his work: 'Force fed on violence, abused by a controlling superpower and blackmailed through patriotism, the public are ultimately as disposable as the toys they once played with'.

Damn Ben, why don't you tell us how you really feel? Over a spot of tea with your queen while I whip your crumpet-munching ass! Jingoism FTW! I'm serious, meet me behind the pub.

Hit the jump for five more.

Continue Reading " Whittlin': Guns Carved Into Old School Desks "

Nov 1 2009 White House Halloween Captioning Fail

I dunno, maybe that's the way Buzz is gonna look in Toy Story 3.

Michelle Obama channels Catwoman for White House Halloween extravaganza [dailymail]

Thanks to Bill, who's smart enough to recognize Samus when he sees her.

Oct 4 2009 Conspiracy!: Triforce Hidden In U.S. $1 Bills

Proof that our founding fathers were, in fact, from Hyrule, the United States $1 bill has Triforces hidden in all the big block E's. When contacted for comment, Princess Zelda had this to say, "My God you're handsome, Mr. Geekologie Writer". To which I replied, "HAND OVER THE TRIFORCE OF WISDOM!!"

Triforce Hidden In The One Dollar Bill [buzzfeed]

Thanks to greg, who once found a Triforce in a bowl of cereal and sold it on eBay, milk and all.

Oct 3 2009 It's On eBay: A Sarah Palin Signed XBox 360

Want an XBox 360 signed by Sarah Palin? Me neither. But if you still want to go and blow a cool $1.1 million on one, congratulation, you're an idiot. Also, what's your home address?

The infamous Sarah Palin XBOX 360 was autographed at the governors picnic on July 24, 2009, in Wasilla, Alaska, just two days before her resignation as governor of that state. You can own this 60GB, perfect-condition, one-of-a-kind item before her expected run for president of the United States of America in 2012.

When the governors picnic took place, there were hordes of people trying to see her, but I pushed my way through the crowd to the front of the line. When I was in front of Sarah Palin, I told her that I had traveled three days to see her and asked her to sign my Xbox360. She said it was the most extravagant thing she had ever been asked to sign. I shook her hand, removed myself from the crowd, and then I packed up my Xbox360 and headed home. It was one of the greatest thrills of my life to have watched Sarah Palin on CNN, SNL, Youtube, and then to see her right in front of me.

What the hell's the matter with this guy? Reminds me of all the idiots trying to sell Wii's for $1 million the week before Christmas. Just saying, I wouldn't even pay that for a console signed by Princess Peach AND Zelda. I would pay that for one signed by The Geekologie Writer though. Contact me for more info.

Hit the jump for a picture of Palin signing it.

Continue Reading " It's On eBay: A Sarah Palin Signed XBox 360 "

Sep 28 2009 Crazy: Lockheed Martin's Samurai Monocopter

Monocopters are single-bladed airfoils, best known for falling from maple trees as whirligigs. But this is a radio controlled version developed by Lockheed Martin that actually flies UP instead of only down. I predict robotic versions in the future with really, really sharp blades on them.

Eventually, the SAMARAI project was supposed to produce a nanomonocopter (?) about the same size as a seed pod (on the order of 1.5 inches long and 10 grams in weight), driven by a miniature rocket or jet thruster, able to send back streaming video (that was stabilized somehow), autonavigate, and deliver a 2 gram payload up to a kilometer away. The big version in the video above was a testbed to help engineers figure out just how to get this thing to fly in a stable and controllable manner.

Forget helicopters and monocopters, what ever happened to good old fashioned jetpacks? Because jetpacks, as my Magic 8-Ball just confirmed, are the wave of the future. Just saying, you ever made love to a girl wearing one? Don't do it from behind.

Lockheed Martin SAMARAI UAV Scares Me [botjunkie]

Sep 27 2009 Scientists To Pull Pictures From Your Brain

I know for a fact the government can pull images from a person's brain because they've been probing around in my dome for years, messing with the delicate ecosystem up there. And one time when I was being interrogated I saw a picture of a dinosaur in an agent's file folder, SO I KNOW. Anyway, apparently they've decided to make the technology public knowledge.

Having modeled how images are represented in the brain, the researchers translated recorded patterns of neural activity into pictures of what test subjects had seen.

To construct their model, the researchers used an fMRI machine, which measures blood flow through the brain, to track neural activity in three people as they looked at pictures of everyday settings and objects.

As in the earlier study, they looked at parts of the brain linked to the shape of objects. Unlike before, they looked at regions whose activity correlates with general classifications, such as "buildings" or "small groups of people."

Once the model was calibrated, the test subjects looked at another set of pictures. After interpreting the resulting neural patterns, the researchers' program plucked corresponding pictures from a database of 6 million images.

Soon, everyone will have a photo printer in the back of their head to print off worthwhile images they've seen. Me? I already have one. Don't believe me -- check this stack of pictures. What? Don't act like you've never seen a dinosaur penis before!

Brain Scans Reveal What You've Seen [wired]

Thanks to Anit, who can read minds like comic books: with incredible difficulty.

Sep 24 2009 Be Like Obama: Pac-Man Laptop Stickers

AAAAHH, HE'S POINTING DIRECTLY AT MY SOUL! But that's not the point, the point is that there's little Pac-Man looking sticker (which I'm pretty sure is actually a Chain Chomp sans chain) on the president's MacBook Pro. And now you can have one just like it for the low, low introductory price of $3 (or 5 for $12)!

These Pacman stickers in dark blue are now available for sale from Obama Pacman! Works on your Apple laptop, including MacBook, MacBook Pro, MacBook Air, your Apple desktop, including iMac, Mac Pro, and maybe even a Mac Mini. These high quality stickers will also work for PCs and almost anything else you can get your hands on.

OMG, Pac is headed right for that apple! Don't eat it, Pac, DON'T DO IT! *om nom nom nom* Thanks a lot jerk, now we have to leave the garden. Say -- think you could get the missus to flash us all before we go?

Product Site

Sep 17 2009 I'm On To You!: The President Is A Jedi

So apparently President Obama is a Jedi. Okay, maybe a padawan. Fine, just a guy waving a plastic lightsaber around. But that's not what's important. What's important is we arrange a lightsaber duel between him and Star Wars Boy. I'll get the president on the line, you get Obi Un-Coordinated.

Hit the jump for a picture of Obama running his wife through with a pirate sword and staring at some guy's ass, just for the hell of it.

Continue Reading " I'm On To You!: The President Is A Jedi "

Sep 10 2009 Military Experimenting With Airless Tires

We've known about airless tires for a while now here on Geekologie, but now the US military is getting involved and testing them sums of beaches out on some of their vehicles. But not their tanks -- they don't have any air to begin with, silly!

The advantages of airless tires are obvious: they can't be punctured and they never go flat. But it clearly takes a lot of science to get the proper material that can stand up to the pressure of a multi-ton military vehicle sitting on top of it.

Nice, military, but how about some REAL airless tires. I'm talking about hover wheels, bitches! I know that shit exists, we stole the technology from the aliens. GET OUT OF MY HEAD GOVERNMENT! Quick, somebody Reynolds Wrap me, STAT!

Military testing out fancy new airless tires [dvice]

Aug 17 2009 British Government Releases UFO Files

The British government, in an attempt to cleanse its fish and chip stained hands, has released previously confidential documents regarding little green men who come to stick things in your butt while you're sleeping (elves).

The National Archives on Monday released the government's complete file on the "Rendlesham Forest Incident" of December 1980, one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings.

Halt reported that two servicemen had noticed "unusual lights" about 3 a.m. in the woods outside the gates of RAF Woodbridge, a U.S. base in eastern England. He wrote that patrolmen sent to investigate saw "a strange glowing object" in the forest.

The metallic, triangular object "illuminated the entire forest with a white light," he wrote.

The next day, investigators found depressions in the ground and unusual radiation readings. That night many personnel -- including Halt himself -- saw a pulsing "red sun-like light" in the trees that broke into five white objects and disappeared.

I mean, is it not common knowledge by now that aliens exist. Because if they didn't, where did *rummaging around in ass* THIS come from?!? And no, this isn't just a television antennae with aluminum foil wrapped around it. Okay, so maybe it is. Still, there's something else in there, I can feel it...
...
...
...a dinosaur toy -- I've been looking for that!

Britain publishes more UFO files, but few answers [yahoonews]

Thanks to Brad, who once slept with an alien chick and didn't even bother phoning her home the next day. Bad form, Brad.

Aug 7 2009 Chinese Farmer Builds Wooden Roflcopter

Some guy in China went and made his own helicopter entirely out of wood. Except for the engine. Because wooden engines are stupid. Admit it, maple motor, you are dumb!

20 year old Chinese farmer Wu Zhongyuan built himself a helicopter using only -- according to the man -- what he remembers of middle school physics lessons and "relevant knowledge [found while] surfing the Internet via my mobile phone."

His single-seater conveyance has blades made from the wood of an Elm tree, a frame reinforced with steel pipes and uses an engine from a motorcycle -- all for around $1,600. Wu claims the 'copter can get him as high as 2,600 feet, though it seems he's grounded for the time being as the Chinese government has forbid him to fly because of safety reasons.

First of all -- 2,600 ft? Sure you're not exaggerating a little, Wu? By say, oh I dunno, 2,599 and 3/4 feet? Also, that is just like a government to prevent a man from having any fun. Know what I'm sayin'? Legalize it!

Chinese MacGyver builds working helicopter out of wood [dvice]

Aug 3 2009 It's About Time: Attaching Lasers To Airplanes

Applied Electronics, a company we last saw developing lightning guns, has now been handed a big ass check by the gubment to start strapping lasers to planes. And, I, for one, am all about it. NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW -- pew pew!

the Navy and the Marines have given a company called Applied Electronics about a million dollars to attach lasers onto planes. The weapons would be ultra-short-pulse (USP) lasers, which shoot beams of frequent-pulse light that create a path through the air, via which bolts of electricity can travel toward a target.

Okay, I have no idea what all that meant, but I'm pretty sure Zeus just popped like 16 electric boners.

Company Last Seen Making Lightning Guns Is Now Attaching Lasers To Planes [popsci]

Thanks to Mih0, who, for two tips in a row, gets to yell "lightning bolt!" and hit me in face with a foam dart.

Jun 15 2009 Raytheon Gets Contract For Laser Weapon

Raytheon, a company best known for my brother and I both swearing we saw an airplane land on top of one of their buildings in Huntsville, Alabama, has received a Navy contract to draw up the initial design of a powerful burning 100-kW Fee Electron Laser (which may or may not look like an automotive engine) to be mounted on seagoing vessels. Pew pew? No. PEW PEW!

Once designed, the naval operators could adjust the wavelength of the laser, which wasn't possible with conventional lasers. This helps compensate for the varying humidity associated with ship-borne situations.

The laser beams could be used against missiles, airplanes, or even boats.

I need one of these for my car. Seriously, I'm tired of sitting in traffic. And let me tell you, I don't just road rage, I road man-rage. You ever seen a guy tear off his own steering wheel, jam it down an air-conditioning vent and then sob uncontrollably? If you've ridden with me you have.

Navy/Raytheon working on 100kW weaponized laser: cue the 'pew-pew' sound effects [dvice]

May 17 2009 Inventor Denied Patent For Human 'Killer Chip'

A Saudi inventor was recently denied a German patent for what is being described as a "killer chip". What is a killer chip? Cooler Ranch Doritos, hands down.

The basic model would consist of a tiny GPS transceiver placed in a capsule and inserted under a person's skin, so that authorities could track him easily. Model B would have an extra function -- a dose of cyanide to remotely kill the wearer without muss or fuss if authorities deemed he'd become a public threat.

The inventor said the chip could be used to track terrorists, criminals, fugitives, illegal immigrants, political dissidents, domestic servants and foreigners overstaying their visas.

"The invention will probably be found to violate paragraph two of the German Patent Law -- which does not allow inventions that transgress public order or good morals

If the aliens have taught us anything, it's that the key to successful human tracking is NOT LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW. You embed a cyanide chip under my skin and guess what -- I'm cutting it out. With my teeth. Oh I'm sorry, was that too hardcore for you? Yeah, well one time I ate two of my own toes because I hadn't eaten dessert.

Saudi 'Killer Chip' Implant Would Track, Eliminate Undesirables [foxnews]

Thanks to Dustin and philip, who track people the old fashioned way: by looking for footprints and shit. Literally, looking for shit.

Apr 26 2009 Admit It, Government: Aliens Are Real, Yo

Aliens are real, here on earth, and the U.S. government has the proof to prove it, at least according to Edgar Mitchell, the longest moonwalker (suck it, MJ!), and handsome devil seen in the photo above. This is not the first time Edgar 'Aliens In My Ass' Mitchell has confessed his belief in extraterestrians, or whatever the hell you call them.

"It is now time to put away this embargo of truth about the alien presence," said the astronaut who made the longest moonwalk in history. "I call upon our government to open up ... and become a part of this planetary community that is now trying to take our proper role as a spacefaring civilization."

Asked why there still is no definitive proof, he said: "We have that, it's just that it's been covered up and denied by the powers that be in our own government," adding that "there's a secret government" that may be run by the "military-industrial complex."

Listen, Edgar 'Check Your Feces for Pieces of Antennae' Mitchell -- everyone with half a brain knows there are aliens among us. The problem is, you can't go spitting all that knowledge to the general public without these idiots rushing to the grocery store and buying up all the peanut butter and taping their buttholes closed every night. PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. Could you imagine what would happen if they found out the president was a robot....
....
.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

CURL: Astronaut says we're not alone [washingtonpost]

Thanks to Fish Man, who lives underwater and doesn't have to worry about aliens as much because they can't swim.

Apr 9 2009 ILVTOFU Is An Unacceptable License Plate

Kelly Coffman-Lee is a fairly attractive 38-year old vegan who wanted to share her love of soy with the world through a custom license plate. Unfortunately, she was denied 'ILVTOFU' because of the double ententre. Which is pretty pathetic considering I just heard that steaming pile of shit Britney Spears song on the radio today. I demand justice! And also, 'ILVVGNA'.

'Tofu' License Plate Deemed X-Rated [aolnews]

Thanks to e. and Pat, who love bean curd as much as the next person, which isn't much. Edamame though, mmmm!

Mar 17 2009 PEW PEW Goes The Debt Star

I'm only posting this because I have a contractual obligation to post anything Death Star related. Also, I secretly enjoy watching you folks duke it out in the comments section Special Olympics style. However, in the case of this poster, I believe it actually carries a powerful political message. One about mediocre Photoshop skills, and also, Ewoks. My God they're delicious. "Gunta, che-ya gobu fenga wa!" Haha, shut up and get back on the grill.

Thanks to The Blue Bass, who didn't specify if he was large or smallmouth.

Mar 11 2009 Lincoln's Pocketwatch Contained Secret Message, Secret Not So Secret Anymore

Apparently a watchmaker who was repairing President Lincoln's watch on the day gunfire broke out at Fort Sumter, SC (sparking the civil war), secretly immortalized the day by engraving a note inside Lincoln's pocketwatch.

The engraving, by watchmaker Jonathan Dillon, is dated April 13, 1861, and reads in part: "Fort Sumpter was attacked by the rebels" and "thank God we have a government."

Forty-five years later, Dillon the watchmaker told The New York Times that he was repairing Lincoln's watch when he heard that the first shots of the Civil War had been fired.

Dillon said he unscrewed the dial of the watch and used a sharp instrument to mark the historic day on the president's watch. He told the newspaper that, as far as he knew, no one had ever seen the inscription.

The National Museum of American History agreed to open the watch to see if the inscription was there after being contacted by Dillon's grandson. And lo and behold -- there she blew! Apparently Lincoln never knew about it -- probably because he was too busy chopping down cherry trees. Am I right? What do you mean, "that was Washington?" Carver? I thought he was the peanut guy.

Museum finds "secret" message in Lincoln's watch [reuters]

Thanks to NTF, who found a hidden message in her Tokyoflash. It read "Made in Japan".

Mar 10 2009 Obama Reverses Stem Cell Research Policy

Obama, in a pow-pow-power move, signed an executive order (I need a pad of those) yesterday that has " cleared the way for a significant increase in federal dollars for embryonic stem cell research". Now I don't even know what that means, but I do want to clone my dog. And also, grow a tail.

"Medical miracles do not happen simply by accident," Obama declared.

Obama signed the executive order on the divisive stem cell issue and a memo addressing what he called scientific integrity before an East Room audience packed with scientists. He laced his remarks with several jabs at the way science was handled by former President George W. Bush.

"Promoting science isn't just about providing resources, it is also about protecting free and open inquiry," Obama said. "It is about letting scientists like those here today do their jobs, free from manipulation or coercion, and listening to what they tell us, even when it's inconvenient especially when it's inconvenient. It is about ensuring that scientific data is never distorted or concealed to serve a political agenda and that we make scientific decisions based on facts, not ideology."

Well rooty tooty, fresh and fruity! Maybe scientists will finally be able to unlock the secret of my seductive pheromones. Here -- lick my armpit. You taste that? It's called gin, and I sweat it. You ever made love to a man that smells like a pine tree? It's coniferous.

Obama reverses Bush-era stem cell policy [msnbc]

Thanks to Ryan, who is a huge proponent of both twig and branch cell research.