Nov 20 2009 Google: Perfect For Searching AND Wiping

Google toilet paper: made with 100% virgin pulp and available in Vietnam. Per a questionable translation of the text on the bag: "Very long, soft, smooth. Of high vacuum, because you always!" HIGH VACUUM, OF COURSE I ALWAYS! Dingleberry free, just sayin'.

This Google's made from 100% Virgin pulp, not chrome [engadget]

Thanks to wes, who only wipes with Charmin because the dude's a bear.

Nov 16 2009 It Was Only A Matter Of Time: Google Streets Car Finally Gets Christened By Bird

I can't believe it took this long. And, who knows, maybe it's happened before. I mean, birds shit on my car all the time. Cats too. And, at least twice this year, a homeless man. Well, from a purely technical standpoint, that was actually IN the car. And speaking of which: DON'T YOU EVER WIPE YOURSELF ON MY SEAT AGAIN. Use the passenger's.

Google Maps

Thanks to Marcos, who has slept in cars but never shit in them. Remember: don't shit where you eat sleep. Unless you pass out on the john, in which case go for it.

Nov 12 2009 Google Streets Spots Fire Truck Hit Old Lady

Honestly, I bet the old lady ran right into the side of the thing (old ladies are notoriously bad bike riders. *ahem* Grandma -- I saw you hit that bus shelter!). There's a before shot after the jump, but unfortunately the above image has since been removed from Google Maps. I smell conspiracy. I mean, it's not like the old lady asked to have have it removed. Old people using computers -- HA! They're better at avoiding fire trucks!

Hit it for the before shot and a link to the action area.

Continue Reading " Google Streets Spots Fire Truck Hit Old Lady "

Nov 12 2009 I Wasn't Looking For That: Mystery Google Gives You Previous Person's Search Query

Type a search query into Mystery Google and you get the results of the last person's search. For example, I searched for a serious medical condition I have, and got the results for "u'v got a face only ur momma could love". Neat? Yes. Helpful? Absolutely not. But don't let that stop you from blowing a few minutes screwing around with it. Remember: every minute wasted is a minute spent kicking the man in the junk. Go on -- kick him. Now do it again. HARDER! Okay now do me.

Mystery Google

Thanks to Emortal, Blastphemer and Shadow Sushi, who don't search the interweb, the interweb searches them. So are we we talking like full body or what?

Oct 2 2009 Google Search AutoComplete To The Rescue

I do that shit all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

Google (go type "I like" to see for yourself)

Thanks to b00m, who likes to tape a bedsheet to his arms and pretend he's a pterodactyl.

Jun 9 2009 Fun Website: Let Me Google That For You

Let me Google That For You (LMGTFY) is a fun website that allows you to send links to people that effectively Google a topic for them because they're idiots. Click HERE to see an example I made. Pretty awesome, huh? I thought so. Don't agree? Click HERE.

Let Me Google That For You

Thanks to Randy, who once Googled Google and made the interwebs explode.

Jun 5 2009 Search The Interwebs With Microsoft Bing

In an attempt to be one of the last tech websites running this announcement (I like turtles), Microsoft has upgraded their search engine (formerly Windows Live Search and MSN Search), and renamed it Bing. As in Bada-Bing, bing cherry, Bing Crosby, Chandler Bing and bing bing, money ain't a thing. Really?

Bing is specifically designed to build on the benefits of today's search engines but begins to move beyond this experience with a new approach to user experience and intuitive tools to help customers make better decisions, focusing initially on four key vertical areas: making a purchase decision, planning a trip, researching a health condition or finding a local business.

Sooooo, Google is still recommended for searching porno?

Microsoft Bing

Thanks to Teh Awex, Anonymouse and Will, who search the web the old fashioned way, with a Sherlock pipe and magnifying glass.

May 14 2009 Google Maps Cleavage: I Have A New Hobby!

What Google Maps was made for, or what Google Maps was made for? God, I love geography.

Hit the jump for a zoomier picture.

Continue Reading " Google Maps Cleavage: I Have A New Hobby! "

Apr 1 2009 Google's CADIE And Gmail's Auto-Pilot

Well folks, the apocalypse is upon us. Google has foolishly unleashed the world's first "artificial intelligence tasked-array system" (death-bot) upon the world. CADIE (Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity) is going to kill us all, and, even worse, delete all the porno on the internet (personal speculation).

So although CADIE technology will be rolled out with the caution befitting any advance of this magnitude, in the months to come users can expect to notice her influence on various google.com properties. Earlier today, for instance, CADIE deduced from a quick scan of the visual segment of the social web a set of online design principles from which she derived this intriguing homepage.

Nice homepage, reminds me of my own. But to her credit, CADIE has actually done some good. Namely, creating a Gmail program that answers your emails for you when you're too busy getting hosed down (violently, not sensually) by the coming robot army. It's called Auto-Pilot.

As more and more everyday communication takes place over email, lots of people have complained about how hard it is to read and respond to every message. This is because they actually read and respond to all their messages.

But what happens if a sender and recipient both have Autopilot on?

Two Gmail accounts can happily converse with each other for up to three messages each. Beyond that, our experiments have shown a significant decline in the quality ranking of Autopilot's responses and further messages may commit you to dinner parties or baby namings in which you have no interest.

There you have it folks, April Fools, 2009. See you all tomorrow, when telling your girlfriend you got her sister pregnant stops being funny and starts being real.

Google
and
Gmail Auto-Pilot
and
CADIE's Blog

Thanks to TJ, sofa king, Smith III, amy, The Mighty Musnud, Dave180!, oisin and Ryan, who only drive on auto-pilot. Nice guys, that's safe.

Mar 6 2009 Eye Candy: The Best Of Google Street View

This is a gallery of some of the best of Google Street Views. Most of the pictures are unexplainable, so feel free to make up your own story as to what's happening. Here, I'll get you started.

"THAT'S MY BIKE PUNK!"

Hit the jump for 14 more of the craziness.

Continue Reading " Eye Candy: The Best Of Google Street View "

Feb 27 2009 Aha!: The Secret To Google Street View

You ever wonder how those Google Street cars are covering the world's roads so quickly? Hyperdrive, baby, hyperdrive. CLICK CLICK VROOM VROOM!

Google Maps

Thanks to kulow, who discovered the worm hole searching for directions to Jimmy John's. Subs so fast you'll freak, mmmm.

Feb 23 2009 Yes!: Google Maps Spots Lost City Of Atlantis

That's right folks, you're looking at the lost city of Atlantis, buried under the ocean off the north-western coast of Africa (the country*).

This location is awfully close to one of the spots Plato, Legendary Smart Dude, had pinpointed as a possible resting place of Atlantis. In addition, the site is about the same size as Plato described.

Google claims that the lines are remnants of the sonar traces left by boats as they surveyed the area. Plus, Plato described Atlantis as being designed as a series of concentric circles, not a grid.

Now I hate to call Google a bunch of dirty liars, but that is clearly Atlantis. Haven't you ever heard that circles look square when viewed underwater? Yeah, it's called refraction. It's the same principal that makes a toot smell worse if you do it in the bathtub. Science, folks, you can't argue with that.

Atlantis Found on Google Earth, Official Explanation Is Dubious [gizmodo]

*Stop emailing me, I'm fully aware Africa is a continent.

Feb 13 2009 I Swear, People Google The Weirdest Things

People really search for the darndest things. Using Google auto-complete, you can see just how screwed up people out there on the web really are. And yes, these are the same people responding to your singles ad. Typing the words in bold will result in the following:

• 883,000,000: Why do I have no friends.
• 7,570,000: Why do I have diarrhea.
• 4,170,000: Why do I have so much discharge.
• 7,120,000: Why do I have to pee so much.
• 230,000,000: Why do I have gas or so much gas.
• 456,000: Why do men have nipples.
• 6,000,000: Why men don't call.
• 8,380,000: Why men lie.
• 4,980,000: I want a new drug.
• 114,000,000: I want a wife.
• 783,000: I have one testicle.
• 21,900,000: I have one more drink.
• 12,400,000: I have three breasts.
• 320,000: I have three testicles.
• 1,580,000: I have three girlfriends.
• 42,300: Why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.
• 1,610,000: I would like to buy a hamburger.
• 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party.
• 818,000: I think im pregnant.
• 442,000: I hate Indiana Jones 4.

Neat. Now do some Googling of your own and post the funniest results in the comments. And also, a current picture. Are you really as pretty as I imagine?

Google Proves Humanity Is Sick and Sad, Yet Absolutely Hilarious [google]

Jan 31 2009 Google Streets: Oh My God, He's Got A Gun!

The Google Street View team is at it once again, this time capturing a gun toting nutjob in Rapid City, South Dakota. And by gun toting nutjob I obviously mean freedom fighter. Dad?

Google Maps
via
Google Street View Completes Tour of Real America With Dude Carrying Rifle [gizmodo]

Jan 30 2009 Google Maps Van Hits Deer, Uploads Pics

A Google Maps van hit a deer while out on the prowl -- and recorded and uploaded the whole damn thing to the live version of Google Maps! WTF!?

The Google employee had to have known that they hit the deer but the more interesting thought is why did they proceed to upload the images? Is Google that determined to be the first to map the roads by street view that they don't care what goes live on their site?

Based on some of the other stuff I've seen on Street View, it's pretty obvious Google doesn't care what goes live -- or dead! Zing!

UPDATE: Google has responded and states "the deer was able to move and had left the area by the time the police arrived". So yeah, go Bambi! Hit the links to see a couple more graphic pictures if you're a real sicko.

Google Maps
via
Google maps car hits a deer, records it all. Oh deer [neowin]

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, who once thought he ran over a squirrel. In reality, the squirrel passed perfectly under the car, only hitting his head on the tailpipe. In his rearview Spikey saw the squirrel standing there, scratching its melon and wondering "WTF just happened?".

Jan 27 2009 Google Street View Catches Epic Battle

Fess up, which two of you is this?

Google Maps

Thanks to jonah, Wesche and dave, who all swear it isn't them.

Jan 5 2009 Geekologie Writer's Junk Spotted On G-Maps

Just in case you were curious, that's it. :O

Google Maps

Thanks to TetterkeT for reminding me I passed out on the football field that night. Haha, the visiting team drew on my face with Sharpie!

Dec 31 2008 Google Streets: Porsches & People Pissing

This is a Google Maps Street View of what is allegedly a Porsche prototype being tested in Colorado. Hit the jump for another picture of several different cars, all being covered as the Google Street View van rolls by soliciting children with the promise of free Chupa Chups. And, as a special added bonus, there's a Street View image of some woman pissing behind a car in Madrid, Spain. Because, just like the country song, "sangria makes you piss behind subcompacts".

Hit it.

Continue Reading " Google Streets: Porsches & People Pissing "

Nov 25 2008 Google Employees Create Spreadsheet Art

This is a time-lapse video of three Google employees creating an 18,600 cell mosaic in a spreadsheet. As you will see, it has a nice wintry theme. Namely, snowflakes. Personally, I would have gone with Frosty bending Santa over his sleigh for not bringing him the new corncob pipe he wanted, while Mrs. Claus watches from the kitchen window and bakes those delicious cookies of hers. But I don't get paid to sit around and make spreadsheet art. I get paid to sit around and desecrate your Christmas memories. Happy holidays bitches!

18,600-Cell Spreadsheet Mosaic Captured On Time-Lapse Video [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who's allegedly keeping Frosty's head alive in his freezer.

Nov 20 2008 Google Cartographer Takes A Taco Break

A Google cartographer, weary from driving around in the Street View van all day, decided that, instead of actually mapping streets, he'd swing by Del Taco and pick up some tortilla wrapped deliciousness. Can you blame him? No. But you can blame the tacos -- they're yummy!

Del Taco representative: please send me a free burrito for the publicity, or else.

UPDATE: I received no burrito. I warned you, now you will suffer the wrath: Del Taco tacos make your dick shrink.

Google Maps

Thanks to my brother Frank, who once ate four chalupas and still had room for a churro.