Jun 3 2008 All For The Love Of The Game: Inside The Basement Lair Of One Of The World's Most Hardcore (And Likely Neglected) Gamers

And I thought the shed I grew up in had poor living conditions. This just goes to show that you should never take anything for granted. This poor bastard is clearly locked in a basement, lives entirely on canned Coke and pot pies, pees in empty one-gallon water jugs, shits in an oversized litter box, thinks he looked handsome in his senior yearbook photo, has parents that steal power (along with gas, water, and whatever the hell else is coming in that wall) from the neighbors, only has a Gamecube, performs emergency medical procedures on himself with nothing but a pair of needle-nose pliers, sleeps with no covers on a towel bed, and really thinks rape sux. Holy shit.

Hardcore Gamer Defined? [albotas]

Jun 2 2008 Man Nearly Arrested For Transformers Shirt

Brad Jayakody, 30 (that's him in the picture), was almost arrested for attempting to board a flight from London to Dusseldorf, Germany while wearing that Transformers t-shirt.

Mr Jayakody said the first guard started joking with him about the Transformers character depicted on his French Connection T-shirt. "Then he explains that since Megatron is holding a gun, I'm not allowed to fly,' he said. A spokesman for Heathrow operator BAA said: 'If a T-shirt had a rude word or a bomb on it, for example, a passenger may be asked to remove it.

'We are investigating what happened to see if it came under this category.

'If it's offensive, we don't want other passengers upset.'

Freaking wow. Now I hate flying as much as the next kid whose father pushed them off the roof with a bedsheet hang glider, but seriously, you know? Seriously. Wow. In all honesty though, companies shouldn't even be allowed to sell Transformer t-shirts. It's a freaking terrorist act and breeds robot sympathizers.

Man threatened with arrest at Heathrow for wearing Transformers T-shirt [dailymail]

Thanks to Neko, who finds robot sympathizers as despicable as I do

May 29 2008 Man Admits To Having Sexual Relations With Over 1,000 Vehicles. This Just In: I Vow To Never Rent A Car Again

Edward Smith has sex with cars and doesn't care if you think he's a demented perv (which he totally is).

The 57-year-old Washington state native first had sex with a car at age 15, and says he has never been sexually attracted to people, female or male. And he feels no need to change. His current flame is a Volkswagen Beetle that's he's named Vanilla, and considering a typical woman's reaction to Smith's spreading himself around, she's very low maintenance (not counting trips to the mechanic or pricey imported auto parts).

Smith says his fetish took root when he was a teenager. "When I was 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it." He continued, "There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until nighttime, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them."

Wow, it doesn't get much worse than that.

Despite his passion for his four-wheeled friends, Smith has occasionally strayed. His most intense sexual experience ever, he says, was with a helicopter. It totally chopped his nob off.

Holy shit, it did get much worse!

Read the whole article for more ridiculousness.
Man who's had sex with 1000 cars gives new meaning to auto-erotic [nydailynews]

Thanks Jaden, I'll never look at my Neon the same again

May 27 2008 Epic Failure: Skydiving Record Attempt

Well folks, I miraculously survived three days of trying to kill myself with the drink (one more miracle and I'm eligible for sainthood). So here I am -- unrested, unshaven, generally unkempt, and ready to post. I hope you all had a good holiday weekend, it's great to see all your bright and shining faces this morning -- I missed you.

So on Sunday 64-year old Michael Fournier was set to break several world records and provide valuable data on what sort of impact damage a dead body can do to the earth with a skydiving jump from 40,000 meters (~25 miles).

Mr. Fournier was hoping to break the record for the fastest and longest free fall, the highest parachute jump and the highest balloon flight. He was planning to jump from a point three-times higher than a commercial jetliner flies. Mr Fournier was to wear a pressurized suit to protect him from the extreme low pressure and temperatures down to -100C. Sophisticated camera equipment was supposed to record key moments of the jump, particularly when he broke the sound barrier at 35,000m.

That's right folks, that crazy mother was gonna reach speeds around 1,000 MPH and break the damn sound barrier! That's one tough grandpa. Mine doesn't do shit but drink gin and sit on the porch carving wooden vaginas. So why didn't he end up making the jump? Was it the weather, a fear of death, or a problem with the pressurized suit? Nope, they forgot to properly attach the freaking balloon to his capsule.

...his helium balloon detached from its capsule as it was being inflated, and drifted away into the sky.

God that's freaking pathetic. Now I've gotten high and tried to beat world records before (namely the number of deviled eggs eaten in two minutes), but never have I failed as epically as that (unless projectile vomiting deviled eggs counts, which it doesn't). So what can we all learn from this? That Fournier's loose balloon (lower right) looks like a giant floating prophylactic. And I think we can all agree that's a valuable life lesson.

Jump record fails to take flight [bbcnews]

Mar 5 2008 Singing and Moving Clown Urinal Makes Me Want To Just Pee On The Wall Instead

So I wake up this morning and what do I find in my inbox? A link to a singing clown urinal in Osaka, Japan. Basically you walk up to the sucker and he starts singing and moving up and down the wall while you try to pee in his mouth. WTF!? What are we teaching the youth these days? This does not lessen my fear of clowns one bit. It was bad enough before I knew the sick bastards liked drinking urine. He won't be singing for long though. Not after somebody decides to sit there and hit him with a #2.

Crazy Singing Clown Urinal Makes Us Go HAHAHAARRGHHSTOPDOINGTHAT! [gizmodo]

Thanks to Shawn and Meredith, who both hates clowns as much as Anticlown Media does, for the tips