Nov 10 2009 Close Calls: Killer Robot Plane Goes Rogue, Is Shot Down Before It Can Turn On Its Master

An autonomous killer Reaper jet recently went rogue in Northern Afghanistan and had to be shot down before it got the chance to go berserk and blast the shit out of the blue team. Eff that!

The aircraft was flying a combat mission when positive control of the MQ-9 was lost. When the aircraft remained on a course that would depart Afghanistan's airspace, a US Air Force manned aircraft took proactive measures to down the Reaper in a remote area of northern Afghanistan.

It wasn't clear from the US military announcement whether the erratic death-bot had turned on its masters and was planning an attack on critical US logistics bases located north of the Afghan border, or whether it had sickened of reaping hapless fleshies like corn and was hoping merely to escape. Alternatively the machine assassin may merely have succumbed to boredom or - just possibly - a mundane, non-anthropomorphic technical fault of some kind.

Okay, I don't know exactly how this fits into my government/robot conspiracy, but I assure you it does. Importantly. Like the last piece in a very critical puzzle. Provided my dog didn't eat any pieces. Because then I'll have to cut a similar shape out of construction paper and color it with markers. AND IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. My parents will tell me you can barely tell the difference BUT YOU CAN TELL. You can tell.

Robot Fighter Jet Killed Before It Could Go AWOL [io9]

Thanks to AdmiralN00b, Shawn, Beanbones, Paul, Timothy, Anonymous, Sambob, That Guy and Jason, who are all welcome to stay in my anti-robot shelter, provided they shower. And spoon.

Oct 14 2009 We're As Good As Dead: Robots Driving Tank

We can only pray this is an elaborate Photoshop hoax or we're all as good as dead. Well, you are, I'm as bad as dead. And twice as bad as that nancy Leroy Brown. That jive-talking mother ain't got nothin' on me!

Picture [pictureisunrelated]

Thanks to Daniel, who actually is meaner than a junkyard dog and once pushed an old lady into traffic.

Jul 14 2009 Great: EATR Robot Feeds On Dead Bodies

Well we've already seen robots that can feed on organic matter, and now, an even scarier one. Wait, does that say chainsaw?

Robotic Technology Inc.'s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot -- that's right, "EATR" -- "can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable," reads the company's Web site.

That "biomass" and "other organically-based energy sources" wouldn't necessarily be limited to plant material -- animal and human corpses contain plenty of energy, and they'd be plentiful in a war zone.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! I'm okay, I'm okay. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! No I'm not. Hold me. Lower. Little lower. Lower. What?! THIS COULD BE OUR LAST NIGHT ALIVE!

Upcoming Military Robot Could Feed on Dead Bodies [foxnews]

Thanks to everyone who sent this in. No, really, thanks -- I hate sleeping. WITH YOUR SISTER! (snores)

Jul 7 2009 OMG, There Is A Dead Person ON MY FINGER

Similar in concept to these voodoo talismans, LifeGems are precious stones made out of the ashes/hair of your deceased loved ones. They range in price from $2,700 to $20,000 (minus setting) depending on the size and color of stone you want and [do not insert joke about having a dead person around your finger here]. Now I'm not saying this company is fraudulent, but I am saying it would be if I were in charge. Who cares if the rock is actually 0% aunt Betsy, as long as you don't know, it's all good. Am I right? Now send me those ashes. Also, ask about my 2-for-1 'Back From the Dead' special. I'm talking zombies, folks, and you're undead relatives are gonna help us fight the robots.

LifeGems

Thanks to Sara, who wears the fingers of her enemies on a necklace. Stylin'.

Jun 19 2009 Great: Another Rat-Brain Controlled Robot

Well, we've already featured one rat-brain controlled robot, so why not another? This particular model is controlled via Bluetooth by the neurons from a rat's brain THAT'S KEPT IN A JAR. The video goes on to explain that different rat brains have unique personalities and all control the robot differently. That's right -- CYBORG RODENTS WITH PERSONALITIES! Welcome to hell, world. Oooh, nice basket -- is it Longaberger?

First Real Cyborg: A Robot Controlled By A Living Brain [videosift]

Thanks to Jen, Matthew, Anton and Ace the Inhaler, who can control rat brains with their brains. Guys -- let's rob a bank!

Jun 11 2009 Tell Me How This Is Okay: Robots With Guns

Mar 4 2009 Game Over Man, Game Over!: An Aliens PS3

Tattoo artist and casemoder 'givintats' went and made himself an Aliens inspired PS3 case. It was created "using hand-sculpted layers of epoxy putty, that looks like a hard metal when dried, often used to mend dented car fenders." Nice. And is there anything more awesome than an Aliens PS3? Yes, an Aliens PS3 that can play XBox games. Did your head just explode by my suggestion of awesomeness? It's true, I have the power of suggestive thought. Don't believe me? You should take your shirt off right now. Wait -- damnit, hold on. You should put your shirt back on. Now, ladies only -- you should take your shirt off right now. Awh yeah! Hypnotics, baby -- I have them. Now touch your nipple.

Hit the jump for two more shots.

Continue Reading " Game Over Man, Game Over!: An Aliens PS3 "

Dec 9 2008 The End Is Nigh!: Hovering Robot Of Death

Wonder how you're gonna die? By this thing, the Missile Agency's Multiple Kill Vehicle-L (MKV-L).

The MKV-L mission is to destroy medium through intercontinental-range ballistic missiles equipped with multiple warheads or countermeasures by using a single interceptor missile. During an actual hostile ballistic missile attack, the carrier vehicle with its cargo of small kill vehicles will maneuver into the path of an enemy missile. Using tracking data from the Ballistic Missile Defense System and its own seeker, the carrier vehicle will dispense and guide the kill vehicles to destroy any warheads or countermeasures.

Missile destroyer my ass, we're all freaking dead. Game over man, game over!

The hovering Multiple Kill Vehicle is simply a waking nightmare [engadget]

Thanks to Mike, Jake and Leigh, who know I love thinking about the robot apocalypse almost as much as I love things being jammed in my pee-hole.