Nov 19 2009 Laser Crosswalks: Because Pews = Safety

Laser Crosswalks are the crosswalks of the future. You can tell because it has 'laser' in the name. Pretty much anything with 'laser' in it is gonna be a huge hit in the future (including cereal). Don't believe me? Just stare at this laser eye-toy for a minute. Aaaaand now you're blind.

The Virtual Wall is designed as a replacement for traffic lights and if made would use "plasma laser beams" to project silhouettes of moving people into the path of oncoming traffic.

Supposedly this would calm traffic and make drivers more careful around the soft humans as they cross the street. I'd say it would be more likely that the appearance of giant red figures before the windshield would cause panic, crashing and general mayhem.

Hell yes, giant red laser-people. *pew pew* means walk! Plus, if you try driving through it the lasers should cut you up into little pieces. Don't act like we don't have that technology! We have that technology.

Laser Wall Replaces Traffic Light [wired]

Thanks to Fnahra tha evur livin, who loves lasers almost as much as I do but not quite because I have laser-vision. Yeah, so there, Fnahra.

Oct 14 2009 We're As Good As Dead: Robots Driving Tank

We can only pray this is an elaborate Photoshop hoax or we're all as good as dead. Well, you are, I'm as bad as dead. And twice as bad as that nancy Leroy Brown. That jive-talking mother ain't got nothin' on me!

Picture [pictureisunrelated]

Thanks to Daniel, who actually is meaner than a junkyard dog and once pushed an old lady into traffic.

Oct 5 2009 It Buuuuurns!: Laser Projection Wrist Watch

This conceptual Alessi laser watch by designer Andy Kurovets projects the time onto your wrist with lasers. Pfft, what's the matter with Indiglo technology? That shit's hot! But if you do opt for lasers, just make sure you buy the right powered battery or that bitch might burn right through your arm! Kidding, future laser technology will be kinetically powered by the motion of your arm. So no masturbating. Kidding -- I say go for it!

Concept Watch Actually Projects the Time Onto Your Wrist...With Lasers [gizmodo]

Thanks to charlie and Aisha, who don't need watches to tell what time it is cause they have magnets in their brains like birds or whatever. Yes I paid attention in school!

Sep 27 2009 Scientists To Pull Pictures From Your Brain

I know for a fact the government can pull images from a person's brain because they've been probing around in my dome for years, messing with the delicate ecosystem up there. And one time when I was being interrogated I saw a picture of a dinosaur in an agent's file folder, SO I KNOW. Anyway, apparently they've decided to make the technology public knowledge.

Having modeled how images are represented in the brain, the researchers translated recorded patterns of neural activity into pictures of what test subjects had seen.

To construct their model, the researchers used an fMRI machine, which measures blood flow through the brain, to track neural activity in three people as they looked at pictures of everyday settings and objects.

As in the earlier study, they looked at parts of the brain linked to the shape of objects. Unlike before, they looked at regions whose activity correlates with general classifications, such as "buildings" or "small groups of people."

Once the model was calibrated, the test subjects looked at another set of pictures. After interpreting the resulting neural patterns, the researchers' program plucked corresponding pictures from a database of 6 million images.

Soon, everyone will have a photo printer in the back of their head to print off worthwhile images they've seen. Me? I already have one. Don't believe me -- check this stack of pictures. What? Don't act like you've never seen a dinosaur penis before!

Brain Scans Reveal What You've Seen [wired]

Thanks to Anit, who can read minds like comic books: with incredible difficulty.

Sep 23 2009 Wow: AT&T Predicted The Future In 1993

This is a montage of AT&T commercials from 1993 that basically predict the future with 100% accuracy. Now I'm not suggesting somebody at AT&T ripped the space-time continuum, BUT THEN WHERE DID THIS FLYING DELOREAN COME FROM?! AT&T, you have some splainin' to do. GIMME THE SPORTS ALMANAC!

Youtube

Thanks to K.T., who is going places roads aren't needed.

Sep 22 2009 Mad Scientist: We'll All Be Immortal Cyborgs In 20 Years. GW: In 19 Years I'm Offing Myself

Some crazy-ass jive talking nutjob (61-year old scientist, Ray Kurzweil) is convinced we'll have the technological capabilities and biological know-how to all be loveless immortal cyborgs within 20 years time. Uh-oh.

He says theoretically, at the rate our understanding is increasing, nanotechnologies capable of replacing many of our vital organs could be available in 20 years time.

Mr Kurzweil calls his theory the Law of Accelerating Returns. Writing in The Sun, Mr Kurzweil said: "I and many other scientists now believe that in around 20 years we will have the means to reprogramme our bodies' stone-age software so we can halt, then reverse, ageing. Then nanotechnology will let us live for ever.

"If we want to go into virtual-reality mode, nanobots will shut down brain signals and take us wherever we want to go. Virtual sex will become commonplace. And in our daily lives, hologram like figures will pop in our brain to explain what is happening.

First of all, The Sun is not an accredited scientific journal. And secondly, I prefer real sex to virtual reality any day. Trust me, it's not all that (I once tried making out with the television but she only shocked my tongue).

Immortality only 20 years away says scientist [telegraph]

Thanks to greenman and mystrb, who are already gonna live forever through their written words (in bathroom stalls).

Sep 9 2009 Highly Questionable Popular Science Ad

This is a highly questionable 30-second commercial for a new show on the Science Channel called 'Future Of...'. Basically the show explores in which ways robots are gonna bend us over and have their cold, metallic way with humanity. Now I don't want to ruin the ad for you, so go ahead and watch it.

Did you see that? THE DUDE BROUGHT FLOWERS TO A ROBOT WOMAN! WTF IS UP WITH THAT?! I don't care how far in the future, I could never love another robot. You broke my heart Teddy Ruxpin!

Youtube

Thanks to Alaina, who's smart enough to know the future i snow. Yes, the future i snow. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT'S THE TRUTH!

Aug 28 2009 Future Farming: Giant Fish-Filled Ocean Balls

According to experts at National Geographic, the future of fish farming (aquaculture) may rely on giant, fish-filled balls floating around in the ocean.

...[A]utomated cages could herald an entirely new form of fish farming.

They might be turned loose to mimic natural systems by following carefully chosen ocean currents. The robotic fish farms could help lead to larger, healthier crops of farmed fish far from crowded coastal areas, where farmed fish both suffer from poor water quality and, by producing waste, add to water woes.

Cages might even generate their own electricity by harnessing solar energy, wave energy, or other forms of renewable power.

This reminds me of middle school. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? You are if you answered "cafeteria fish sticks"! Loved those sticks. One time I even had a fish rock! I chipped a tooth and lost it in my corn. Chocolate milk, whee!!!

The Future of Fish Farming Is Giant Autonomous Roaming Robotic Cages [eatmedaily]

Thanks to Resa, who fishes the old fashioned way: with her bare hands (and dynamite).

Aug 28 2009 You Better Not Push Me Down The Stairs: Wheelchair Of The Future

The Veda International Robot Research and Development Centre (in Japan, of course) is hard at work developing a wheelchair for all the aging fogies in the country. And this is it, the Rodem. It's being touted as the wheelchair of the future. Pfft, I'll believe it when my grandpa has one. Isn't that right, gramps? I SAID, "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GRAMPS?!"

Right now Rodem isn't much of a robot, but the people at Veda still want to add more features to the not-wheelchair; for example, Tmsuk president Yoichi Takamoto said, "...we could add a new function so it comes to your bedside when you call."

Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about a wheelchair with robotic features. Yes I do -- I don't like it. No, the only improvements of the current wheelchair we need are an air horn and naked lady mudflaps. Now those would really put the whee in wheelchair -- am I right, gramps? I'm over here, you're talking to a chair. Now drink your juicebox and tell me where you buried the money.

Hit the jump for a shot of some poor bastard with a broken leg toting his own hospital bed around with the thing.

Continue Reading " You Better Not Push Me Down The Stairs: Wheelchair Of The Future "

Aug 20 2009 Screw The Future(!): Robotic Prostitutes

Robotic hookers folks, robotic hookers. Marinate on that one for a second while I down this zucchini bread. Then, I'll be back to discuss the moral ramifications of banging a robot.

It sounds like science fiction, but robot bar staff, hotel rooms that change colour, cruise ships as big as aircraft carriers and even robot sex are part of the future for travellers, a tourism conference has been told.

Even robot "prostitutes" that would not pass on diseases such as HIV could make an appearance...

"But you're talking about extreme futures."

First of all, no. Secondly, I would rather jam my penis in an electrical outlet (and have before -- now it can shoot lightning) than have sex with a robot. And thirdly, this certainly brings to meaning to the phrase 'sex machine', doesn't it? No? Well what about robo-hos?

Robot prostitutes tipped to tempt future tourists [theindependent]

Thanks to Caroline, who once pulled the old quarter-on-a-string trick and managed to score free services.

Aug 20 2009 Whee!: See-Through WindowPhone Concept

I am back home safe and sound. Geekologie will now return to its regularly schedule program.

The WindowPhone was conceptualized by every single person that daydreams about the future, but designer Seunghan Song actually took the time to create a rendering of it. This is that rendering.

The phone would essentially be translucent, displaying information and images on a window-like surface in a form factor relatively similar to the iPhone's.

The killer feature of this concept phone is its ability to change the look of the display glass to match the current weather conditions of your location (i.e. sunny day equals clear screen, rainy day equals virtual droplets on your screen).

I know how much some of you hate things that are only conceptual, but remember: concepts are what push us towards the future. And the future, as you may know, is filled with giant, terrifying robots. Which is why these designers should all be killed. Also, if the battery dies in this thing you can forget about ever finding your phone again.

WindowPhone concept points to future of touch cell phones [dvice]

Aug 13 2009 Pen Lets You Draw With Any Color You See

First of all, thank you all for the kind birthday wishes. I just went through and read them all and that was some seriously sweet shit you all said (I'm so eloquent). I almost cried, but then I wrestled a bear (and won) so that I wouldn't. But seriously -- thanks, I had the best birthday I can remember in a long time. BUT NOW IT'S THE 13TH! And you all know what that means, don't you? International Left Hander's Day! Two days in a row, baby!

The Color Picker pen by Jinsu Park is a drawing device that allows you to write in any color you can scan with the pen's color sensor. You just hold the Color Picker up to something, push a button, and PRESTO! it mixes the right amounts of blue, green purple and yellow to make the brown you were looking for. Unfortunately, the Color Picker is currently only conceptual, UNLIKE MY CEREAL PICKER! It's a spoon that, when you think about a certain kind of cereal, fills itself with that kind! I use it to invent new delicious breakfast morsels. *concentrating* Okay, so this one tastes like shit -- you've gotta try it!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " Pen Lets You Draw With Any Color You See "

Jun 11 2009 Own (A Replica Of) Marty's Hat From BTTF 2!

I've got the feeling it'll look great with a neon pink track suit. Or nothing at all. Which, honestly, is the only way to wear hats. Of course, if you're a BTTF 2 purist you could whip out your shoes, jacket, hoverboard and Delorean and BAM!: dead ringer for Marty McFly.

While actually shipping July 15th, the Marty MacFly 2015 Hat Replica is available for pre-order today for the low, low price of $25.

I thought about buying one but then I realized my Hypercolor shirt stopped working years ago. Also, $25? That's a lap dance and can of beer at the strip club. That's right, can.

Buy the Hat from Back to the Future: Part II [gizmodo]

Thanks pudding, I want to eat you up. I mean, you are a chick, right? Right?

Jun 9 2009 Will Future Ovens Cook With Lasers? (Yes)

Electrolux just ran another one of their harebrained design competitions and this laser-powered oven created by Ludovic Peperstaete was one of the featured designs. It cooks with pews!

Instead of heating elements or an open flame, food is cooked via 3 harmless lasers that are targeted by the cook. And while a single laser supposedly isn't strong enough to cook food, we all know that crossing two lasers can cook anything from a Thanksgiving turkey to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

I, for one, welcome our pew pew oven overlords. Now, bake me a cake! What do you mean, "there's already a bun in the oven"? I thought we did it in the broiler. WELL THEY'RE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER -- HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!

Could A Laser Oven Be In Our Future? Pew Pew! [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Damian, who cooks his meals the old fashioned way: by leaving it to a woman.

Jun 4 2009 Playstation Announces Own Motion Controller

Not to be outdone by XBox's announcement of Project Natal, Playstation brought their own motion controller news to E3. But, unlike Project Natal, which motion captures your entire body, the Playstation version relies on a magic dildo. This is a rather long demonstration of the device presented by two Sony engineers (one nervous, one stoned), so feel free to skip around. But not breakfast, that shit's important.

Youtube

Thanks to Mister J, who once kicked Mister T's ass in a gold-off.

May 19 2009 The Future Of Time Is Now: E-Ink Watches

These e-ink timepieces were created by Phosphor Watches and feature patented e-ink technology. What is e-ink? THE INK THAT SITS IN FRONT OF F-INK DURING ROLL CALL!

The principal components of electronic ink are millions of tiny microcapsules, about the diameter of a human hair. In one incarnation, each microcapsule contains positively charged white particles and negatively charged black particles suspended in a clear fluid. When a negative electric field is applied, the white particles move to the top of the microcapsule where they become visible to the user. At the same time, an opposite electric field pulls the black particles to the bottom of the microcapsules where they are hidden. By reversing this process, the black particles appear at the top of the capsule, which now makes the surface appear dark at that spot.

BA-DOOOOOOSH, ELECTRONIC TECHNOLOGY ON YOUR WRIST! The watches come in three different styles and range in price from $175-$225 depending on the model and wristband you choose. Personally, I want mine on a slap bracelet. You know what they say: you can take the boy out of the early 90's, but you can't take the dinosaur out of the boy. Seriously, we're totally stuck together. Got any butter handy? No? BBQ sauce?

Product Site

Thanks to ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff, whose e ink watch broke and ruined his shirt. Faulty manufacturing, I smell class action!

May 1 2009 Sure, Why Not?: Growing Plants On The Moon

Paragon Space Development Corporation, a NASA subcontractor, has decided to take a stab at growing plants in a specially designed greenhouse on the moon. THE MOON! The attempt will take place in 2012, so we may or may not get to see if it works before the world ends.

In order to successfully grow a plant on the moon, Paragon has developed a very specialized greenhouse that can safely contain a plant and provide it with all elements it needs to survive. The greenhouse will need to protect the plant from the sun's intense rays while providing it with enough water, balanced soil, and carbon dioxide while removing its waste oxygen.

Paragon has chosen a species within Brassica (the mustard family), due to their quick growth and the abundance of knowledge about the plant. A typical Brassica needs 14 days of light in order to grow, flower and then set seed. A lunar day is 14 Earth days long, so if the landing is timed perfectly, it will allow just enough time for the plant to grow to maturity and possibly re-seed.

Nice, but you really think anyone cares about growing mustard on the moon? No, I'm convinced there's a much more diabolical motive behind this experiment. Namely, government space weed.

First Gardens on the Moon by 2012! [inhabitat]

Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck and toast king, who once got high on Mars and thought they saw an alien. It was a rock.

Apr 30 2009 Scientists Create Chemical Gel That Moves On It's Own, Will Power Our Future Overlords

Some foolish Japanese scientists have developed a chemical compound capable of moving on it's own. They're convinced it's the stuff future robots will be made of. I'm convinced I just let one loose in my pants.

A group of Japanese roboticists, led by Shingo Maeda at the Shuji Hashimoto applied physics laboratory at Waseda University, have created a chemical gel capable of independent motion, similar to that of a caterpillar.

Using a process that combines polymers, the material not only moves on its own, but also can change colors and can be used to perform calculations. According to the scientists involved in the project the morphable material could even one day be used as components of a future robot, thus making the notion of the incredibly scary Terminator T-1000 a real possibility.

That's....terrible news. WTF, ROBOTICISTS? Roboticists shouldn't even be a real thing. If I close my eyes and say, "roboticists don't exist" three times they should all disappear, right? Okay, *covering eyes* "roboticists don't exist, roboticists don't exist, roboticists don't exist". There *uncovering eyes* HOLY SHIT -- BLOODY MARY, AAAAAAAAHHH!

Hit the jump for a video of a miniature T-1000 in action.

Continue Reading " Scientists Create Chemical Gel That Moves On It's Own, Will Power Our Future Overlords "

Apr 23 2009 Scary: A Childhood Photo From The Future

This is a childhood photo FROM THE FUTURE. Don't ask me how I got it, but suffice it to say I got some wires crossed when I was building my time machine (read: I showed up in 2120 with a trash bag full of dinosaur-sized condoms). Anyway, I brought this back to show you how not cool the future is. You want your kids growing up with robot pals? No, no you don't. And if you do, well, *ffffubt*. Oh that? Nothing -- just a little contraceptive blowdart.

Hit the jump for a worthwhile picture of some African robots.

Continue Reading " Scary: A Childhood Photo From The Future "

Feb 23 2009 Yes!: Google Maps Spots Lost City Of Atlantis

That's right folks, you're looking at the lost city of Atlantis, buried under the ocean off the north-western coast of Africa (the country*).

This location is awfully close to one of the spots Plato, Legendary Smart Dude, had pinpointed as a possible resting place of Atlantis. In addition, the site is about the same size as Plato described.

Google claims that the lines are remnants of the sonar traces left by boats as they surveyed the area. Plus, Plato described Atlantis as being designed as a series of concentric circles, not a grid.

Now I hate to call Google a bunch of dirty liars, but that is clearly Atlantis. Haven't you ever heard that circles look square when viewed underwater? Yeah, it's called refraction. It's the same principal that makes a toot smell worse if you do it in the bathtub. Science, folks, you can't argue with that.

Atlantis Found on Google Earth, Official Explanation Is Dubious [gizmodo]

*Stop emailing me, I'm fully aware Africa is a continent.