Oct 2 2009 Serious Eye Candy: Amazing Photograph Of The World's Tallest Rocket Blasting Off

This is a photo of the world's tallest rocket blasting off for outerspace without me. Damnit, I packed a sack lunch and everything! HOLLER AT YOUR BOY, NASA. Come on -- I'll bring you back an alien corpse!

You're looking at the 253.2-foot Delta 4-Heavy lifting off from launch complex 37B at Cape Canaveral, and yes, that's actually a photograph. Good thing the camera was remotely triggered by photographer Ben Cooper, who used sound activation to snap this shot while he was safely ensconced 3 miles away.

We feel sorry for that camera, though, whose lens was destroyed. The good news is, the camera itself somehow survived this hellish inferno as the world's tallest unmanned rocket roared away from its launchpad.

Impressive, huh? We've certainly come a long way since people thought the world was round, am I right? IT'S A D-20 YOU IDIOTS. God loves D&D! Now, gimme a roll for drunkenness, big guy. 19! BLAAAAAAAHH!!

World's tallest rocket roars away, captured in spectacular photo [dvice]

Oct 1 2009 Not Dangerous Enough: Jet Powered Carousel

Whenever I think "jet-powered" I think of rocketpacks and blasting off to the moon with a bubble helmet on and then playing hide-and-seek amongst the craters. Secondly, I think of danger and how much fun it is almost dying but then escaping death at the last second and flipping the grim reaper the bird right when he's reaching for you with his scythe. Yeah, I do that all the time. But one thing I don't do all the time (or ever for that matter) is ride a rocket-powered merry-go-round. It just looks too tame. Admittedly, the carousel's shoddy construction did look promising in the beginning, but in the end it's just two guys who might have well taped bottle rockets to their backs. I WANTED TO SEE ONE OF THOSE BITCHES LAUNCHED INTO ORBIT! Or at least a tree. Hurt video needs more hurt.

Skip to 1:30 for the action. And I did like the flames.

Madmen cling to jet-powered merry-go-round [theregister]

Thanks to srvr, who hates vowels.

Aug 31 2009 Fire Hazard: The Wrist Mounted Flamethrower

If you've been reading long enough, you may recall Everett Bradford's Pyro System from early last year. Well now Everett is back with the Pyro System 2.2. Basically, it's a bunch of 3rd degree burns waiting to happen. Ever seen a man melt his own face off before? I have, but only because I was tired of shaving. Suck it, electrolysis!

Youtube

Thanks to Ethan, Jeff and Matty, who all have flamethrowers mounted on their bikes so you won't follow too close behind. Also, they just look cool.

Aug 25 2009 Don't Smoke It!: Lighter Looks Like Cigarette

This $1.50 lighter from DealExtreme is in form factor of a regular sized cigarette and can set stuff on fire. Including, but limited to: cigarettes, spliffs, joints, hair, your sister's Barbies, cologne, fireworks and witches. I jest, there's no such thing as witches. Isn't that right, sorceress? Also, is it true what they say about a sorceress's nipples -- they can shoot flames?

Cigarette-shaped lighter blends in with its surroundings [dvice]

Jul 21 2009 Guy Huffs Gas, Gets Tasered, Catches Fire

In a tale of spontaneous human combustion, a man who had been huffing gasoline (real Transformers drink it) was tasered by police and went up in a ball of flames. Sweeeeeet.

Police said they were responding to a complaint at a house when (36-year old Ronald) Mitchell ran outside carrying a cigarette lighter and a plastic bottle containing what they believed was fuel.

When he refused to stop running towards them, one officer Tasered him, police said.

The man was immediately engulfed in flames, but the officer threw him to the ground and smothered the blaze with his hands, the statement said.

Mitchell was charged with assault to prevent arrest and possession of a sniffing substance.

An 18-year-old woman threw rocks at the officer as he tried to help and he was later treated for a cut on his head and burns to his hands, police said.

Ha, that chick brought rocks to a taser fight, what an idiot. And also, am I gonna get arrested for possession of a sniffing substance for this can of gasoline? Because, sorry coppers, that ain't happening! *glug glug glug glug glug* Transform and 7x7 is 35!

Tasered 'Petrol-Sniffer' Bursts Into Flames [yahoonews]

Thanks to Thumperchica, Justin, Jon, Stephen and Ptentacle, who wanted to roast marshmallows on him.

Mar 2 2009 Paypal Makes Mistake, Accuses Man Of Pumping $81,400,836,908 Worth Of Gas

Juan Zamora is a man. A man with a '94 Camaro which undoubtedly has some Rad to the power of Sick flames painted on the sides. Anyway, he bought $26 worth of petrol at the station and paid with his Paypal debit card. Only problem was, Paypal reported he pumped $81,400,836,908 worth of petrol! Now that's a lot of hot air gas!

He only learned of the astounding figure when he received an email later that afternoon informing him that his debit card, which started out with $90 on it, was maxed out.

"Somebody from a foreign country who spoke in broken English argued with me for 10 to 15 minutes," Zamora said. " 'Did you get the gas?' he asked. Like I had to prove that I didn't pump $81,400,836,908 in gas!"

He would have needed more than 3 billion fill-ups of the amount he actually pumped into his tank in order to reach that outrageous sum. When Zamora returned to the Conoco gas station, he said, the attendant would not believe him until he showed her the printout of the PayPal receipt.

Finally Juan was able to set the record straight. And if you even think about trying to pull any of that nonsense on me, Paypal, and you are going to get it. And by 'it' I mean some provocative photos of yours truly and a firebomb. ZOMG, look at the hair on -- *HORF* uh-oh.... *WHOOOSH!* Justice: a dish best served flaming.

PayPal Charges $81,400,836,908 For $26 Tank Of Gas [consumerist]

Thanks to twellve, who once saw a guy drive off with the gas pump still in his car's filler hole. She tried notifying him while he was leaving, but he just thought she was waving at him. His car exploded moments later.

Jan 9 2009 The Burger King Whopper Sacrifice: Delete 10 Of Your Facebook Friends For A Free Whopper

Burger King has developed a Facebook application called Whopper Sacrifice that rewards users for deleting friends. You just delete 10 friends from Facebook, and TA-DA -- a coupon for a free Whopper. Unfortunately, the deal only works once per Facebook account and makes you look like a heartless dickbag with a turd for a heart that sucks at life because you'd trade your friendship for a piece of meat in your mouth. Can you tell I've already lost most of my friends? I'm bitter.

Whopper Sacrifice

Thanks Kenny, de-friend me and I'll kill you.

Jan 6 2009 IT BUUUUUURNS!: Australian Man Dies After Wife Sets His Penis On Fire, Things Go Wrong

That ain't right. You can't just go around setting a man's penis on fire while he's sleeping. I mean, what if he bee-lines it for the curtains?

Rajini Narayan, 44, is alleged to have doused her husband, Satish, with a flammable liquid while he was sleeping. When she set him alight, Mr Narayan jumped out of bed and knocked over the substance, causing the fire to spread.

Prosecutor Lucy Boord said Mrs Narayan had confessed to her neighbours, telling them she was a "jealous wife" and believed her husband was having an affair.

"I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else, I didn't mean this to happen," Ms Boord quoted Mrs Narayan as saying.

Hooooooooooly shit! Rajini died from the injuries sustained during the penis fire last week. Now I'm not sure how the criminal law works in Australia, but in my neck of the woods this woman would get life in prison -- provided she survive the vagina dynamiting. Think Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner, but the Road Runner is a beaver -- and he's packed with explosives.

Hit the jump for the "IT BUUUUUURNS!" lighter trick idiot. If you've never seen it, watch the whole thing.

Continue Reading " IT BUUUUUURNS!: Australian Man Dies After Wife Sets His Penis On Fire, Things Go Wrong "

Dec 19 2008 Burger King Makes Flame Broiled Cologne

That's right folks, Burger King has come out with a cologne. Appropriately named Flame, 5ml bottles cost a staggering $4 and allegedly contain the intoxicating odor of flame-broiled burger. Mmmm.

On firemeetsdesire.com, Burger King takes pains make satire of the "sexy is serious" stylings of other fragrance campaigns, offering this description of the scent against a chic black background: "The WHOPPER sandwich is America's favorite burger. FLAME by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."

Alternatively, just rub yourself down with an actual burger. Hello ladies! What, you never seen a guy with a pickle on his neck?

Appetite for seduction: BK's new fragrance [msnbc]

Thanks to Rosie, Jaik and Thomas, who are waiting for eau de chicken nuggets. And Daisy, who stresses NO, NOT THAT DAISY!

Nov 12 2008 WMDs: Death By Great Flaming Balls

So the Pentagon is employing a new weapon in the fight against WMDs. Namely, giant flaming balls (aka rocket balls).

These are hollow spheres, made of rubberized rocket fuel; when ignited, they propel themselves around at random at high speed, bouncing off the walls and breaking through doors, turning the entire building into an inferno. The makers call them "kinetic fireball incendiaries." The Pentagon doesn't want to talk about them, but published documents show that the fireballs have undergone tests on underground bunkers.

WTF!? Suffice it to say the Indiana Jones franchise would have ended 15 minutes into Raiders of the Lost Ark if the ancient Peruvians had employed a rocket ball instead of a giant freaking rock.

Click the article for a much longer explanation of the the weapons.

Secret Rocket Balls Target WMD Bunkers [wired]

Thanks to 42 y/o undead warlock, who even giant flaming balls can't kill.

Jun 23 2008 Fire Footbag: Fiery Hackey Sack Surprisingly Not Endorsed By Your Local Fire Department

The Fire Footbag is pretty much a Hackey Sack made out of Kevlar that you douse with kerosene and then kick around until you've burnt the entire neighborhood down. They're similar to these magic balls (but more kickable), and cost $25.

THIS PRODUCT IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS USE EXTREME CAUTION!

This product is also extremely fun! You will need white gas, kerosene, or 'tiki torch fuel' to light this bag. Tiki torch fuel is does not burn as hot as most other fuels. Do not use gasoline! Use only a small amount and test it first! Overly soaked bags can be EXTREMELY dangerous since excess burning fuel can stick to clothing and/or skin. Keep your fuel source completely away (100 yards minimum) from your kicking area.

Now I'm all about kicking around a flaming turd, but come on -- 100 yard minimum distance from your fuel source? That's a freaking football field. I'm a pretty wild kicker, but I don't think anyone has accidentally womped the hackey that bad. Why not go the extra mile and include a "Do not play with the Fire Footbag in states that sell gasoline" warning. Oh, and it definitely needs a "Only one flaming sack at a time: under no circumstances should you play wearing loose-legged shorts."

Hit the jump for the VIDEO of a guy doing some pretty cool tricks and dropping the thing a bunch.

Continue Reading " Fire Footbag: Fiery Hackey Sack Surprisingly Not Endorsed By Your Local Fire Department "

Jun 2 2008 GENIUS: A Candle That Smells Like Strippers

Sometimes there's a candle that comes along and changes the way I look at wax-fueled flames forever. And this is one -- The Hotwicks Stripper Candle. The $9 candle smells like strippers.

It's a candle and an alibi all in one! You don't smell like a stripper, you just smell like a candle.

This is our favorite candle. After hundreds of hours of research and a lot of dollar bills we succeeded in capturing the legendary stripper scent. If you don't know what a stripper smells like just imagine the perfume counter at your local department store times a thousand... then add some glitter. This is a perfect gift for your favorite bachelor, groomsmen, or retired stripper who misses her pole.

OMGWTFNOMORESLEEPINGINTHEDOGHOUSEFORTHEGEEKOLOGIEWRITER! Wow, I really need to shake the hands of the humanitarians that spent those countless hours researching this breakthrough in scent technology. Good people. Now when I come home and the wife accuses me of stripclubbing, I'll insist it's just the candle. But if she asks why I have a pastie stuck to my forehead I'll have to run and hide in the bathroom.

Another picture of the candle after the jump.

Continue Reading " GENIUS: A Candle That Smells Like Strippers "

May 30 2008 Apocalypse Ride: Flame-Throwing Wheelchair

This is a flame-throwing wheelchair built out of a golf car and Marine rescue helicopter seat. It can do 20 MPH and shoot flames up to 15-feet. I need one. You know, for the zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately it's a one of a kind piece built by some guy that goes by Lord Humongous. Wait, huh? Lord Humongous? What in the hell kind of name is that?

Lord Humongous,

Gargantuan Dick Dragon

A couple more pictures of the vehicle after the jump.

Continue Reading " Apocalypse Ride: Flame-Throwing Wheelchair "

May 22 2008 DIY Car Mods: Flamethrowing Exhaust Kit

What could possibly be cooler than shooting flames out the exhaust of your car (besides actually being jet powered or having rocket launchers)? Very little. Well now, thanks to the Autoloc Flame Thrower you can toast the hell out of tailgaters like you've always wanted. The $125 kit clips on to your exhaust pipe and ignites any unburnt fuel from the engine. Unfortunately, it only works on vehicles with carburetors. So if you want to use it on a fuel-injected model you're gonna have to run an extra gas line to your tailpipe. And with today's rock-bottom gas prices, you'd be stupid to NOT jump on the flame-throwing exhaust bandwagon.

UPDATE: The bandwagon just caught fire. Somebody -- marshmallows and chocolate, STAT!

Autoloc Flame Thrower for car exhaust [boingboinggadgets]

Mar 18 2008 Transformer Zippos Have The Power To Transform Things Into Things On Fire

These Transformer Zippos are a limited edition release from Japan. They come in black and silver and only 300 of each were made. As you can see from the picture, they're lighters with Optimus Prime's profile on them. I assumed they were snatched up already, but checked eBay and found them available for $110-$140. I like them and all, but I think that it's kind of wrong that when you open the lighter it looks like Prime's head has been cut in half and there's a flame coming out of it. I mean show the robot some respect, he did help save the damn planet. And speaking of helping save the planet, the neighbors (who are probably Decepticon sympathizers) are getting pretty upset about my environmental commitment to peeing in the front yard.
Zippo Transformers, Shiny Pyrotechnical Technology [uberreview]

Feb 21 2008 Bravit Candle Is Neat, Expensive, Romantic

The Bravit Candle was created by Christoph Van Bommel. Basically you light the main wick, and then the flame can split and take different wick paths, sometimes with as many as 5 going at once. They cost anywhere from $80 - $170 depending on the size. The actual wick structure was "inspired from the molecular structure of cholesterol" and the candles were "specially designed for long romantic dinners, as the light can last up to 5 hours." Ah yes, the cholesterol inspired romantic dinner candle. I'll tell you what, I find cholesterol so romantic. Cholesterol and heart attacks both really get me in the mood.

Bravit, The Multi-flame Candle [cribfashion]

Thanks to Brendan, who knows how to wine and dine the ladies, for the tip

Feb 18 2008 Flame Gloves Are Sure To Keep You Toasty

Let's face it, fire and gloves were practically made for each other. That's why the Flame Glove seems like such a logical invention. Basically it's a glove that produces a flame out of the index finger. I bet it's great for doing tricks at parties. You know, like the one where you light a girl's cigarette and then she calls you a dork and makes fun of you with all her friends. Classic.

Most dangerous gadget ever: the Flame Glove [dvice]

Dec 3 2007 Thor Helmet Is Plastic But Shoots Fire

What you see here is a replica Thor helmet ($550). It's made of plastic but has "copper flame tubes raised above the helmet so that there is no heat transfer from the tubes to the helmet." You hook that sucker up to a little propane tank tucked away in your pants and you're good to go. Use the adjustable valve to set flame height and burst action. Awesome. You can really tell this is a quality helmet. If quality is a function of the helmet's ability to burn your house down.

Several more pictures after the hammer.

Continue Reading " Thor Helmet Is Plastic But Shoots Fire "

Nov 7 2007 Candlelight Lamp: You'll Lose The Matchstick

The Hono Candlelight is a 10" tall lamp that lights up at the top when you touch it with the "magical matchstick". To turn it off you blow on it. Pretty clever. Except you're going to lose the matchstick. Then it magically transforms from a $64 novelty lamp into a $64 flat-ended dildo.

One more picture of a bunch of them after the jump.

Continue Reading " Candlelight Lamp: You'll Lose The Matchstick "

Oct 15 2007 Hand Warmer Keeps You Toasty Without Fire

The Zippo Hand Warmer is a stylish hand warmer in that classic Zippo style. It costs $30, and can warm up to 24 hours with only 0.4 oz of fuel. Not only that, but the unit uses a platinum-catalyzed glass fiber burner, which means no actual flame to set your pants on fire. I think it's awesome, and need one for those nights I'm sent to sleep in the doghouse for mumbling another woman's name in my sleep and making humping gestures.

Warm Hands Are Happy Hands [electroplankton]