Nov 3 2009 Could A Human Beat A T-Rex Arm Wrestling?
I say yes, but Jack Conrad, a vertebrate paleontologist at the American Museum of Natural History in New York, is arguing otherwise. Don't act like you know dinosaurs. I KNOW DINOSAURS!
"Doesn't matter," Conrad says. "There's no chance that any human alive could win." The T. rex's arms might have looked wimpy, but they were extremely strong. Each was about three feet long and, based on the size of the arm bones and analysis of the spots where muscle attached to the bone, they were jacked. "The bicep alone--and this is a conservative estimate--could curl 430 pounds," Conrad says. Even the beefiest humans max out at around an embarrassing 260 pounds.
Surely an Over the Top-era Sylvester Stallone would put up a good fight? "Not even Lou Ferrigno in his prime would stand a chance," Conrad says. "They didn't just have big biceps. Their chest and shoulder muscles were huge too. They had huge arms and shoulders--bigger than my leg. They had the strength to rip a human's arm right out of its socket."
So you don't think I could beat a t-rex? Well Jack, I guess there's only one way to settle this. *warming up time machine* See you in a second!
UPDATE: Yes, AND have sex with it afterward. Put that one in your science book and intelligently design it!
Could a Human Beat a T. Rex In Arm Wrestling? [popsci]
Thanks to Xkrimeg, who could beat a giant arm created in a government laboratory at arm wrestling despite her being a girl and built for domestic chores.
Nov 2 2009 iPhone Fan Makes Anti-Droid Commercial
If you watch television you've probably seen the anti-iPhone Droid commercial that Verizon is running (if you haven't, watch it after the jump first). Well this is an anti-Droid commercial in the same style, created by a crazed iPhone fan that doesn't like it when people bad-talk his girlfriend. TOO BAD THE HUSSY DROPS MY CALLS ALL THE TIME. Ooooh, burn!
Hit the jump for the original commercial.
Jul 7 2009 There Can Be Only One: Train Vs. Tornado
In a no-holds barred, knock out, drag out cage track fight, we've got the much anticipated Train vs. Tornado matchup! In the red corner, weighing in at a couple trees, a really confused cow and a bunch of rain, THE TOOOOOORNADO! And in the blue corner, weighing in at more tons than I can count or even fathom with my animal brain, THOOOOOMAS. THE. TAAAAAANK ENGINE!
So, who will win?
Hint: Dora, I've the feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. That's right folks, WE ARE OUT EXPLORING UNCHARTED TERRITORY. CHOO CHOO!
Youtube (fight starts at 1:00)
Thanks to Red, who, together with blue, makes purple. And love.
Jun 21 2009 WoW Mountain Dew Game Fuel Commercial
This is a television advertisement for Mountain Dew Game Fuel: World Of Warcraft. I don't want to spoil it for you, but I'm going to: two chicks turn into World of Warcraft characters and start battling right there at the grocery store checkout. Obviously, I would do them both. AFTER transformation ;)
Youtube
Thanks to naas, who once Chaos Bolted an old lady in the face for cutting in line at the checkout.
Jun 15 2009 Good Times, Sexy Times: Jurassic Fight Club
Jurassic Fight Club: Turf Wars is a little in-browser video game (in the style of Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat) made by The History Channel to promote their new series Jurassic Fight Club premiering on Tuesday, July 29th at 9PM eastern. Needless to say, I will be turning on, tuning in and dripping out the leg of my pants. And, while I typically don't condone dinosaur on dinosaur violence, this was strangely erotic. You like how I caught a screencap of the two dinosaurs kissing? I do. JURASSIC FAP!
Thanks to Gabby, who beat the whole game. Nice, Gabby, I tried, but my directional pad got stuck.
Jun 1 2009 Prison: Don't Drop The Soap Knuckles
This is soap shaped like brass knuckles. It's equally suited for punching yourself in the taint or fighting off would-be lovers in the prison shower. Which, miss you Big Bear.
Brass Knuckle Soap Allows You To Punch Up a Good Lather [gizmodo]
Thanks to pstone, who made me his bitch.
May 27 2009 Avery Labels In Cahoots With Tyler Durden?
This is a real package of Avery shipping labels and, as you can see, they've been sending packages to Tyler Durden. It's not Photohaxored either because you can see another picture at their official product site. So, apparently somebody at Avery has a sense of humor (and a bong). Or is going to help bomb a bunch of credit card companies. Quick, somebody call the FBI! *checking credit card balance* Cancel that -- let's see how this plays out.
Picture
and
Product Site
Thanks to biggity2bit, who feels like destroying something beautiful.
May 5 2009 Sap Cap Is Actually A Weapon In Disguise
The Sap Cap is no ordinary headwear. Oh no, the baseball hat actually has a pocket of "unique impact material that is 110% the density of lead and will not rust" sewn into the back. Granted it's no Oddjob razor hat, but may do in a pinch (also: your clumsy ass would probably cut your own arm off with an Oddjob hat). Just remove the cap, hold by the brim, and proceed to brain your opponent. Now call me old fashioned, but I still prefer a sock full of quarters. Not only is it a lethal weapon, but you can also pay strangers' expired parking meters. But not too many! Lest you find yourself wielding an empty sock. Which, as I'm sure you all know, is only effective for beating yourself. BOOM SHACKA LACKA!
May 5 2009 Guy Make Fully Functional Wolverine Claws
Not to be outdone by the Tomahawk Skull Gauntlet, some guy went and made his own fully functional Wolverine claws out of a bunch of copper tubing and sharp metal. They're surprisingly impressive and make pretty short work out of a cardboard box. Which, I think we can all agree, is humanity's real enemy. *SNIKT* Die, tree-zombie!
Hit the jump for a longer video of the assembly and dude giving them the ol' block of Styrofoam test (starting around 3:00).
Continue Reading " Guy Make Fully Functional Wolverine Claws "
Apr 14 2009 Blade Work: Isao Machii, Modern Samurai
This is a video of Isao Machii, who is billed as a modern-day Samurai, showing off his skills with the blade. It's a long video, so I'll direct you to the good parts.
1:45: Cuts the top half of a mushroom's cap off. Sent shivers down my pants.
3:30: Horizontally cuts a bean lengthwise. Sent shivers down my pants.
5:15: Cuts a 6mm Airsoft BB shot at him in half. GW realizes bringing a gun to a Samurai fight might not be enough.
8:00: Cuts an iron pipe in half without bending or warping the pipe. This part is skippable, since I totally could have done that. With my penis. HI-YA, BITCHES!
Thanks to Jason, who once got a watermelon pregnant just by glancing at it in the produce section of the grocery store.
Apr 13 2009 Cute: 2-Year Playing Street Fighter II Turbo
This is a video of a two-year old playing Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix and pulling off Zangief's Double German Suplex simply by mashing all the buttons. Which, ironically, is how I play.
My two year old son's first time in front of the joystick, playing against another five year old online in Super Street Fighter 2 Turbo HD Remix. Manages to get a couple grabs and finishes the third round with a double suplex. He also did Fei Long's flaming kick and some other special moves in matches I didn't get on video. He's better at flailing at 2 than I was at 22 when SF2 came out in the arcade. :P I'm so proud.
Hearing the father say "push the buttons" gets pretty annoying after the first time, so feel free to skip to the last 15-seconds to watch the kid pull off the suplex. Then, start training your own child for a promising career in video games. Hey, anything can happen. Believe it or not, I even touched a boob once. *poker face* Admit it -- I had you going for a second!
Baby Pulls Off Zangief's Double German Suplex [kotaku]
Thanks to Julian, who once beat Sagat with one eye closed, just to be fair.
Mar 26 2009 Who Will Win?: Bruce Lee Vs. Iron Man
This is a short stop-motion video of Bruce Lee and Iron Man duking it out. Now I don't want to ruin it for you, but I will say there are hobbits involved. Intrigued? Choose your own adventure! If you decide to watch the movie, turn to page 68, if you decide not to watch, turn to page 89.
Page 68: You die.
Page 89: You die and an animal eats your corpse. Actually, it was a dinosaur. You provide just enough nourishment to the beast for a steamy romp in the mud with yours truly. I love it. Your life was not in vain!
Iron Man vs Bruce Lee: FIGHT! [gizmodo]
And a very Happy Birthday to Holly, who once punched Iron Man in his little glow-y thing and then called his mother a robot-lover.
Mar 17 2009 Oh Grow Up: Flat Worms Fencing....Sexually
I know, I know, I should grow up. I just can't help myself. At least not when there's penis fencing involved. Superficial Writer, en garde!
Thanks to LeftRIGHTleft, a college champion in Tit Kwon Do.
Mar 9 2009 Kangaroo Broke Into Home, Mistaken For Ninja
A kangroo recently broke into the home of Beat Ettlin while he and his family were sleeping. He mistook the kangaroo for a ninja and began to pummel the 90lb beast.
The 42-year-old told Sky News Online: "I just saw this black thing. I thought it was a lunatic ninja, an intruder. It just fell on top of us on the bed.
Finally, Beat was able to subdue the kangaroo in his son's room, and kick the leggy bastard out the door.
"When I got in there, it was against the wall by the window, trying to get out I think so I just jumped on top of it. I got him in a headlock and pressed him to the ground.
"I had to open the door with one hand, pressing the kangaroo to the wall with the other hand. Finally, the door opened and I could actually release it.
Good looking. Of course, how could you not kick a kangaroo out of your house with a name like Beat? That would be like being named POW and getting your ass kicked by a koala that broke in through the attic.
Oz Dad Fights Off 'Lunatic Ninja' Kangaroo [skynews]
Thanks to Alex, Jazzy 8 Ball, and Victoria, who have all punched ninja-roos in the pouch and lived to tell about it.
Mar 9 2009 You're A Real Ninja Now: The Belt Sword
The Belt Sword is a questionable sword hidden within a belt. It was created to make dorks feel safe even though in a real-life situation they'd either forget they were wearing the thing or stab themselves trying to get it out. Also, they look suspiciously like aluminum-foil wrapped cardboard. The belt with 24" and 27" swords costs $150. $210 if you want five swords (24", 27", 29", 31", and 33"). Sorry folks, but I'm not interested. No, unlatching my buckle releases another, much more powerful weapon. Obviously, I'm talking about a flying dragon. *unbuckling* KA-P....uh-oh. Looks like the proverbial chicken has flown the coop. And, oh God -- taken off with the eggs.
Hit the jump to see more of this chick, along with a picture of the system and links to the product page and video demonstrations.
Continue Reading " You're A Real Ninja Now: The Belt Sword "
Feb 17 2009 Trailer: The People Vs. George Lucas
This is the teaser trailer for a documentary called The People Vs. George Lucas which discusses such hot topics as Jar Jar sucking major outerspace nadage and Han PEWing first.
Slated for release in 2010, 'The People vs George Lucas' delves into the impassioned feelings and opinions expressed by fans and foes of legendary screen icon George Lucas, and the many debates surrounding his legacy. Don't forget that you can still send us your own films and interviews until September 30, 2009!
Oh you're gonna get a film alright. An adult one. Starring me. And a cardboard cut out of Jar Jar Binks. Playing baseball. I will be pitching.
Youtube
Thanks to Brian, the man behind puppet Palpatine, who makes an appearance in the movie.
Feb 5 2009 The Pocket Shark: Not Mightier Than A Sword, But Could Still Put An Attacker's Eye Out
The Pocket Shark is a $7 pen that doubles as a weapon thanks to its rugged construction.
For starters, it's made from the glass-reinforced plastic, Grivory, the same tough material we use in our NIGHTSHADE SERIES (of knives), and features walls that are 4 times thicker than similar markers. This means it's built for impact and, in a self-defense emergency it can become an efficient Yawara stick for driving off an attacker. Plus, the screw-top cap will stay in place and won't pop off like a regular marker's cap would when you strike a percussion blow, or when obtaining joint locks or submission holds.
ZOMG! One minute I'm thinking, "yes, that marker does looks sturdy", and next thing you know they're talking about "percussion blows" and "submission holds". Well, I guess as long as the cap doesn't come off while I'm braining some poor sap. Hey, Superficial Writer -- come check out this pen trick I just learned!
UPDATE: Jesus, who the hell brings nunchucks to work?
Pocket Shark Isn't Your Average Marker [ohgizmo]
Thanks to Mikey, who may or may not be a pocket pool shark.
Jan 27 2009 Google Street View Catches Epic Battle
Fess up, which two of you is this?
Google Maps
Thanks to jonah, Wesche and dave, who all swear it isn't them.
Oct 22 2008 New Mac Commercials Directly Stab At Vista
These are the two new Mac ads (other one after the jump) that take a direct stab at Microsoft's recent commercial endeavors and Vista. Now I hate to call this a mud slinging campaign, but that certainly seems to be what it is. Which, I think we can all agree, harkens back to the age old question: which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: It was a cock! Trust me, I'm an evolutionary bioscientologist.
Hit the jump for the other one.
Continue Reading " New Mac Commercials Directly Stab At Vista "
Oct 21 2008 Literal Translation Of A Freestyle Rap Battle
Well we've seen a couple literally translated music videos in recent history, and now comes a rap battle, carefully translated by a well-spoken honkey. I love the part about having sexual relations with the other guy's biological mother (around 2:00) -- rappers really do that shit, it's true. And then, at the end of the video, they actually start fighting because the one dude is all up on his tippytoes trying to kiss the other one. I didn't get that part.
Hit the jump to see the very NSFW (due to language) original video.
Continue Reading " Literal Translation Of A Freestyle Rap Battle "
