Jul 19 2009 Deep Roots: The Mario Game Family Tree

This is a depiction of all Mario games in the style of a family tree. Obviously, there aren't only ten games, so click HERE to see the super-ultra-high-res joint with all 130+ games. Fun fact: I was born in the same hospital by the same doctor as my father. So, yeah. I swear, it's like we've known each other our whole lives, you and I. Want to hold hands? Okay, but I've got to warn you: mine's hairy sweaty.

Mario Family Line [limitbreak]

Thanks to em.monster, who puts Nessie to shame. And to Kalutika, who fell from the tree of beauty.

Jul 1 2009 Like I Don't Have Enough To Worry About: Mega Ant Colony Is Taking Over The World

Ant colonies, like rabbits, are cuddly prolific. So prolific, in fact, scientists have just discovered a single interrelated colony of Argentine ants that has populated much of the globe. ATTAAACK!

The colony may be the largest of its type ever known for any insect species, and could rival humans in the scale of its world domination.

While ants are usually highly territorial, those living within each super-colony are tolerant of one another, even if they live tens or hundreds of kilometres apart. Each super-colony, however, was thought to be quite distinct.

But it now appears that billions of Argentine ants around the world all actually belong to one single global mega-colony.

So they're all relatives. But way more so than say, you and I are. So....it's cool if I touch your butt, right? I mean it's not like we're ants or anything.

Ant mega-colony takes over world [bbcnews]

Thanks to Alistair and 2MechanicalArms, who may or may not have fire ants in their pants. They do, I put them there.

May 13 2009 Sure, Why Not?: LEGO Rock Band A Reality

Not to be outdone by the announcement of Beatles Rock Band, the game is now coming out in LEGO form. Hooray? It hasn't received a release date yet, but is guaranteed to take future family nights to an all new level as you and yours Patridge Family the shit out of that mother!

* Songs you know and love: Rock out to everything from current radio hits to past favorites the whole family will enjoy.

* LEGO-themed rock challenges: Play killer riffs to destroy a giant robot, summon a storm, and demolish a skyscraper using the power of rock!
* Enhanced customizer: Don't stop with your avatar, customize your whole entourage! Design the band, roadies, and manager just the way you want.

Awesome, that sounds not awesome! As much as I do love LEGO and rocking out with my proverbial stratowangcaster out, I just don't know. Of course, the game was designed for children and families so I'm not exactly the target demographic. BUT THEN WHY DO I STILL EAT KID CUISINES? I'm an enigma! Return to Innocence, bitches!

LEGO Rock Band [xbox]

Thanks to Salazar and Alex, who have both gotten with LEGO groupies. Nothing wrong with that guys, I just hope you built yourself some modular plastic protection first.

Mar 9 2009 Kangaroo Broke Into Home, Mistaken For Ninja

A kangroo recently broke into the home of Beat Ettlin while he and his family were sleeping. He mistook the kangaroo for a ninja and began to pummel the 90lb beast.

The 42-year-old told Sky News Online: "I just saw this black thing. I thought it was a lunatic ninja, an intruder. It just fell on top of us on the bed.

Finally, Beat was able to subdue the kangaroo in his son's room, and kick the leggy bastard out the door.

"When I got in there, it was against the wall by the window, trying to get out I think so I just jumped on top of it. I got him in a headlock and pressed him to the ground.

"I had to open the door with one hand, pressing the kangaroo to the wall with the other hand. Finally, the door opened and I could actually release it.

Good looking. Of course, how could you not kick a kangaroo out of your house with a name like Beat? That would be like being named POW and getting your ass kicked by a koala that broke in through the attic.

Oz Dad Fights Off 'Lunatic Ninja' Kangaroo [skynews]

Thanks to Alex, Jazzy 8 Ball, and Victoria, who have all punched ninja-roos in the pouch and lived to tell about it.

Jan 29 2009 Yay?: First Commercially Cloned Dog In US

Ed and Nina Otto are two rich crybabies that just couldn't deal with the cancer death of their dog Sir Lancelot Encore in January, 2008. So what did the couple do? Be happy with their eight other dogs? Adopt another one from the pound? Hell no, that would be too logical. Instead, the Otto's paid $155,000 to have Sir Crapalot cloned by South Korean company BioArts International.

"He's back with me," said Nina, "in terms of the essence of him, as much as you could probably expect to ever get back someone who died."

This is Sir Lancelot, as he was, when he was nice and healthy," said Nina Otto, "probably around the time that we actually took his DNA and froze it."

"I know that to a lot of people spending that much money is ridiculous. I've heard some of my friends say 'On a dog?', but it wasn't just a dog. It was Lancelot."

No, he was just a dog. And, despite his name, he probably couldn't even wield a sword. And who's to say this one isn't going to get cancer too? Smart thinking. And on a side note, I have news for you folks: your dog isn't special to anyone but you -- everybody else thinks your dog is plain. Some of your friends probably even think it's sub-plain despite what they tell you to your face. No, the only truly special dog in this world is mine. Ooh, and that one that can walk on its back legs.

Pair Pay £100k To Clone Dead Pet [sky]

Thanks to Clint, whose efforts to clone his favorite turtle have failed.

Dec 31 2008 Eff 2008, Bring On 2009: Happy New Year!

Well folks, we survived another year. Amazing, I know. It's been one hell of a time, and I have every reason to believe 2009 is going to rock the track pants and Members Only jacket off 2008.

Happy New Year! See you in 2020! And by 2020 I mean after my Lasik surgery. HIYO!

Dec 25 2008 Merry Christmas, You Filthy Rebel Scum

Well folks, we've all somehow managed to survive another year and make it to Jesus' B-day Extravaganza, 2008. I imagine you're all enjoying time with friends and family, opening wrapped boxes containing the things you've always wanted. And, if you're not, hopefully you at least know a bar that's open.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, from the Geekologie Writer and his (dog).

Flickr Picture

Thanks to Rich, who saved Christmas with a picture of a stormtrooper wearing a Santa hat.

Nov 26 2008 Thanksgiving Made Easy: A 2-Hour Turkey

Well folks, if you haven't noticed by the lack of people at work or canned pumpkin at Kroger, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The day we Americans celebrate Jesus's first bite of whole foods (some say it was a wise man's camel) and the subsequent decimation of the Native American population via laced cornucopia. So, to help you get in the spirit of it all, a Thanksgiving-ish post!

The Nuwave Oven Pro is a $120 portable oven that can allegedly cook a 10-pound turkey (or small sibling) in a mere two hours. "NuWave performs this miracle using three kinds of heat: Conduction, convection and infrared, turning that raw bird into a golden brown beauty in no time flat." Oh really? I bet we could cut the cooking time down to an hour by adding a fourth type of heat -- my body's. Did that just turn you on? You're lying if you say it didn't. Anyway, as a notorious one last minute man, I'm gonna have to use the NuWave, seeing how my turkey isn't even thawed yet. Or purchased for that matter. I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Mmmm, raw turkey with salmonella gravy, love it.

NuWave Oven Pro cooks a turkey in 2 hours [dvice]

Sep 12 2008 The Latest Microsoft Ad With Bill And Jerry

This is Microsoft's latest (and longest, at 4:30) commercial featuring Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates. I found it moderately entertaining. But what I really took away from the experience was this: if Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld ever stayed at my place, I'd rob those suckers blind. Or at least 20/100. That was a vision joke!

Youtube

Thanks to Doug and Popadopolis, you can come stay at my place anytime. Just bring beer.

Sep 2 2008 Dad's Cab Racks Up Chore Fares For Toting Your Ungrateful Children Around Town

If you're anything like me you made the mistake of getting your girlfriend pregnant because she told you she was a millionaire. And now you're stuck with two (she told me she was worth at least $500,000 the second time) ungrateful teenagers that want to go to the mall everyday or over to their friend's house to do drugs and/or have sex. Enter Dad's Cab, an $18 clock that looks like a taxi meter. You just slap that mother to the dash with adhesive tape, load up the kids, and then drive them wherever they demand. Then, when you're slowing down to 25MPH so they can roll out, you toss a fare card out the window. Fares include "Bring me a mug of tea an the paper on the weekend", "Wash, wax, and vacuum my car", "Let daddy get drunk in front of the TV for the night", "Stop stealing my beer", "Get a freaking job", and "Run away from home".

Geez, whatever happened to using public transportation? When I was a kid, there was no asking my parents for a ride. They'd just pin a note to my shirt with my destination printed on it and send me off to the bus stop. And that, dear reader, is how I was kidnapped by a one-eyed prostitute.

Dad's cab, a taxi meter for your social butterfly kids [dvice]

Thanks Julia tripped on whiskey, we should get together and do that sometime.

Jul 17 2008 Because You Hate Your Kids: Baby Wigs

First there were cat wigs, then dog wigs, and now, baby wigs. Baby Toupees are "small wigs for small people" and cost $22 apiece. Thankfully these weren't available when I was a baby or my mom would have bought them all. Baby Toupee: $22. F***ing your kids up for life: priceless.

Baby Toupee website (with a huge gallery of babies in other, discontinued models)

Thanks to Julian, who just purchased the whole set for his doll collection.

Jul 15 2008 Guy Tries To Rob Pizza Joint, Gets An Extra Large Knocked The Hell Out

There's nothing funnier than when some asshat tries to rob a pizza joint and ends up getting knocked the f*** out. Especially when his wig falls off and an employee realizes it's her dad.

As Stephanie Martinez was getting money out of a cash drawer, a co-worker, Rudy Sandoval, fought back against the intruder, knocking off his wig and sunglasses. Whe she saw the face behind the wig and dark glasses, "I dropped the money," Ms. Martinez said. "I said, 'Don't hit him again! That's my dad!' And he said, 'What's he doing here?' and I said, 'I don't know!' "

Wow, surprisingly, Stephanie was not in on the job, but her mom was. Robbing your daughter's workplace -- now that's family for you. Hold on, door.

UPDATE: It was my dad, he kicked me in the face and stole my wallet.

Skip to 1:15 for the action, 2:45 for a close-up.

Denton pizza employee: Surprised to see dad when wig falls off robber [dallasnews]
and
Do not rob this pizza store [break]

Thanks to Jaybone and Julian, now one of you bring over a pizza. I can't cook and had to dump the girlfriend after I found out she has a thing for some Italian's sausage.