Nov 17 2009 Drunkest/Pilliest Man Ever Battles Laser Wizard At The Convenience Store, Loses

Remember the video of the world's drunkest/crunkest/least stand-uppiest man trying to score some beer from the convenience store? Well it turns out he was battling a previously unseen wizard trying to prevent him from drinking and walking. This security footage, enhanced with technology so advanced you wouldn't even be able to understand it, explains it all. Even better than Clarissa -- AND THAT BITCH KNEW EVERYTHING.

Youtube

Thanks to naas and matt, who are always smart enough to don their anti-invisible wizard capes when venturing out for more brewhaha.

Nov 13 2009 VIDEO Of Bugatti Veyron Crash Into Marsh. Oh, And I Called It -- No Low-Flying Pelican

Apparently some kids happened to videotape the $1.6 million Bugatti Veyron crash from the other day. And, surprise surprise, there was no "low-flying pelican". Nope, just a man playing with himself in one of the world's most expensive production vehicles. Way to go, champ.

Hit the jump for a video of the car getting towed out.

Continue Reading " VIDEO Of Bugatti Veyron Crash Into Marsh. Oh, And I Called It -- No Low-Flying Pelican "

Oct 20 2009 Haha!: Home Shopping Network Wii Accident

This is a video of some idiot on the Home Shopping Network trying to sell a Wii bundle that includes the console and 15 piece of shit Wiimote attachments for a staggering $330. He doesn't do a good job, which brought great joy and happiness to my life. Just watch, you can probably guess what happens. Unless you guessed, "he stabs himself with a samurai sword or falls off a ladder", in which case, God you suck at guessing.

How not to play Wii, courtesy of the Home Shopping Network [pluggedin]

Thanks to jessica, who once put her fist through the television playing Wii boxing but it's okay because it wasn't a flatscreen.

Oct 12 2009 Eh: Marge Simpson In Upcoming Playboy

Whee, Marge Simpson is gonna be in the upcoming November issue of Playboy. Great, like I haven't already seen her naked a million times in those racy cartoon pop-ups that I got from that sketchy hentai porn site came pre-installed on my computer.

Playboy said the cover and a three-page picture spread inside was a celebration of the 20th anniversary of the "The Simpsons" and part of a plan to appeal to a younger generation of readers.

Scott Flanders (IRONIC!), the recently-hired chief executive of Playboy Enterprises, told the Chicago Sun-Times in an interview that the Marge Simpson cover and centerfold was "somewhat tongue-in-cheek."

"It had never been done, and we thought it would be kind of hip, cool and unusual," Flanders told the newspaper. He said the magazine hoped to attract readers in their 20s compared to the average Playboy reader's age of 35.

Right, "hip, cool and unusual". Listen, Playboy, this guy sucks. You want somebody to help you appeal to a younger, more influential demographic, I'm your man. And by man I mean huckleberry. You're no Daisy -- you're not Daisy at all! Wow, that just took on an all new, much sadder meaning.

Marge Simpson makes cover of Playboy [yahoonews]

Thanks to Scarlet, Camille, john and Duke, who aren't stimulated by cartoons because they're sexually repressed. Geez, you guys need some Saturday morning therapy.

Aug 25 2009 How Not To Private Message On Facebook

This is 41-year old idiot moron Tracy T-something trying to send lover Michael a Facebook message expressing how much she loved him recently railing her but instead posting the note ON HER OWN WALL (admit it, we've been there). Wow, Tracy, what are you doing with this Michael character anyway if you're engaged? And what the hell is a permanent invitation to "the-love-cave-between-my-legs?" Don't get me wrong, I love camping with bears as much as the next guy, BUT I'M NOT MOVING INTO THE CAVE. I would, however, start a fire in there and grill some mammoth.

Picture [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Lee and Lisa, who understand the internet is magic but can still send a message where they mean to.

Aug 19 2009 Screw Mother Nature: HP Shipping Fail

Not to be outdone by Dell's L337 shipping practices, HP decided to ramp up their efforts to show that THEY hate this planet even more. What's in the box? Hit the jump to find out. And no, it's not a tiger. But good guess.

Hit it. DO IT NOW!

Continue Reading " Screw Mother Nature: HP Shipping Fail "

Aug 11 2009 How To Lose Your Job Via Facebook Status

We already saw one jackass nearly lose his job over his Facebook status, and here comes a chick that actually managed to go all the way. Congratulations -- you're an idiot moron! This is exactly why you can't be social networking friends with your coworkers. Am I right?

The Geekologie Writer is the Superficial Writer gobbles donkey balls while IWatchStuff lives up to his name.

Note to self: Don't 'friend' your boss on FB and then bitch about your job. [thenextweb]

Thanks to Allison and max, both of whom I talk smack about behind their backs.

Aug 10 2009 I'm At A Loss For Words: An LOL Swastika

For once, I'm at a loss for words. But not bullets.

LOL Swastika Tattoo [buzzfeed]

Thanks to stephen, who went all Inglourious Bastards on this guy.

Aug 6 2009 Two 14-Foot Laptops + Terrible Hosts = This

In an attempt to sell me parts to make a bomb, Radio Shack is hosting 'The Shack Summer Netogether' for the next couple days. What the hell's a netogether? Imagine two 14-foot laptops, one in San Francisco and one in New York. Now imagine two idiot moron hosts with distorted mics talking to each other about the most asinine bullshit. "What do you know about Miami?" "I know they have a basketball team". I'm not even kidding, I almost impaled myself on my laptop. But I didn't because I love you. No, not you, you. Mmmm, those massive jaws and little arms. "RAWR!" OMG -- you know what that does to me!

I'm warning you, it's painful to watch

Thanks to Stephen, who saved himself the trouble and punched himself in the eyes and ears for two hours.

Aug 5 2009 Dang, You've Got It Rough: Video Game FML's

Even if you were just born this morning you've probably heard of FMyLife. The concept is simple: you make up some cheeselog story about how much your life sucks and then you post it on the internet (which is magic) so people can feel better about how much their lives suck. It's really a victorious feeling. So yeah, these are some FMyLife's written by famous video game characters. Now, I encourage you all to write your own video game inspired FML's in the comments. I'll get you started:

I think I'm in love. Unfortunately, every attempt I make at sweeping my love interest off her little feet is thwarted by a Big Daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks (0) - you totally deserve it (24933024 jillion)
On 08/05/1960 at 8:24am - love - by Jack - Rapture, Atlantic Ocean

Hit the link for a couple more.

Video Game FMyLife [collegehumor]

Thanks to Joemo, whose life is awesome. Good for you, Joemo. No, really, I'm happy for you.

Aug 2 2009 You Did It Wrong: Building Demolition Fail

This is a video of a building demolition in Turkey (arguably my favorite country on rye) gone horribly wrong. Now I'm not saying I could have done better, but I totally could have. With fireworks.

Youtube

Thanks to Lord Tarl, who once imploded a building simply by looking at it funny (and secretly pushing the detonator).

Jul 31 2009 Idiot Moron Facebook Geek Test Is Flawed

So there's this alleged 'Geek Test' on Facebook that I took and I scored a 2 out of 10. A FREAKING TWO! Do you know who I am, you stupid Facebook piece of test? Who wrote you? TELL ME WHO WROTE YOU!! Because I am going to beat them within a micron of their life with a science book and then cut them with a laser. Also, as an added Friday bonus, I left my picture up. So in case you were wondering, that's me. TOO BAD I ALREADY CHANGED IT AGAIN, SUCKERS! And if you haven't already, join the Geekologie fanpage on Facebook OR I WILL DRINK THIS CAT.

Link to Geek Test From Geekologie Page

Jul 13 2009 Idiot Moron Falls Into Manhole While Texting

Teenager Alexa Longueira fell into a manhole while texting and walking. And I think we can all agree: under no circumstances should she be granted a license.

She was walking along Victory Boulevard about to read a text message on her girlfriend's cell phone when the sidewalk was suddenly gone.

"Like, there was no warning about a big, open hole," she said.

It was a big, open manhole.

Alexa tumbled six feet underground and landed in four inches of raw sewage.

Warning? You don't need a warning IT'S A GIANT HOLE. I bet at least six blind people avoided it that very same day. And what was the other thing? Oh yeah -- I hope Master Splinter and the gang whipped your ass while you were down there.

Texting teen falls into manhole [abclocal]

Thanks to Slopez, who fought off three ninjas and two vikings while sending me this tip via SMS.

Jul 10 2009 For The Ladies: Twilight, The Board Game

I can't say I'm surprised there's a Twilight board game, but I can say that I'm a little disappointed nobody's bought it for me yet. DON'T YOU LOVE ME? Ooh, a review:

This game is terrible. There are trivia cards to do with the movie but the other questions are all depending on what you roll with the die or they ask us to write down what the other player's favorite animal, movie,band etc. They have absolutely nothing to do with the movie and they are pointless. I thought it would be like trivial pursuit and different categories about the movie scenes, etc. To accomplish a task you have to roll a die and depending on what number you get you accomplish the task. These are pointless tasks and are not challenging at all. A 2 year old could do that. This is coming from a person that has loved the books, movie and anything else to do with twilight. The game is not worth what you pay for it. The pieces aren't the best quality and the cards are flimsy. What a rip off. Buyer beware.

Oh man, that was way too many words for me. Somebody summarize it for me. I ordered two.

Amazon Product Page

Thanks to Paul "the party animal", who was man enough to admit Edward is a hot piece of ass.

Jun 23 2009 UPDATE: 56 Star Faced Girl A Dirty Liar

In an unshocking turn of events that surprised no one, it turns out the tattooed star face girl is a dirty liar and a slag. Okay, I dunno about the slag part, but I've always wanted to say it and figured now's my chance.

Kimberley Vlaeminck, 18, claimed that she'd asked for three small stars but fell asleep during the procedure and woke up with a whole galaxy on her face.

But she has now confessed she knew exactly what tattoo parlour owner Rouslan Toumaniantz was doing but changed her mind later.

She said she lied because her father was "furious".

Pathetic. Of course your father got furious, Kimberley, THAT'S WHAT FATHERS DO. Also, drink and forget your birthday. :(

Tattoo girl: 'I lied about my stars' [metro]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who called this from the beginning because she has common sense can see the future.

May 23 2009 Uh-Oh: Parents Catching On To Text Talk

Can you believe it? Parents are actually breaking the code of "secret" text speak that teenagers use to talk dirty to one another and make plans to *gasp* smoke the marijuana.

Ever wondered what the secret codes that teenagers are bashing out on mobile phones and computers mean?

Well, wonder no more.

A list of the top 50 acronyms that every parent should know has been compiled and posted onto the internet, MyFox Atlanta reports.

According to the list, a "Code 9" or "CD9" means that parents are nearby.

The words "I love you" can often be difficult for people to say, but the latest way around is by simplifying the phrase to "143".

143 -- really? I'm pretty sure people have has been using that since before Shakespeare. I mean, I used to use that shit in grade school when we only had pagers. Damn yeah I sold drugs!

Hit the jump for the top 50 "must know" phrases.

Continue Reading " Uh-Oh: Parents Catching On To Text Talk "

May 11 2009 Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat: Spiderman Fail

This is a video of Spiderman hurting himself in front of a bunch of children and being played off by a cat on a keyboard. Trust me, it'll all make sense after you watch it. Just kidding, it won't ever make sense. But it will always make awesome.

Youtube

Thanks to Joemo, who once found Spiderman trapped in his own web and furiously pleasuring himself to a daddy longlegs.

Apr 27 2009 Devil Worshipping Mega Fail: The Satanist Star I Cut Into My Arm

This is definitely NOT how you pledge your allegiance to the dark lord. You show up at the Pit of Eternal Damnation with this thing on your arm and a bunch of imps are just gonna laugh at you and then take turns packing your asshole full of hot charcoals. Just sayin', tsssssssssss.

I Cut the Satan Star Into My Arm! [youthink]

Thanks to Yopoleo, who once beat the devil in a fiddling contest and never received his golden violin prize. I warned you, Yopoleo, you can't trust that horned bastard.

Apr 26 2009 Princess Leia Pulled Over For Drunk Driving

This picture has absolutely nothing to do with the story besides it's of a bunch of Princess Leias having a pillow fight and God has bestowed me with the power of awesomeness. But no need to thank me folks, I did it for myself. So anyway, Darth Vader's daughter just got pulled over for drunk driving.

Police found the mother-of-two Dodds, 28, dressed in white robes with plaited hair, while her husband was wearing robes. "She was dressed as Princess Leia and her husband as Luke Skywalker and they found it was a bit embarrassing to walk the streets of Murton dressed in their costumes.

When breathalysed she was more than twice over the legal drink driving limit.

Magistrates banned Dodds from driving for 20 months, fined her £255 and ordered her to pay £60 in costs and a £15 victim surcharge.

Dear. Mrs Dodds (aka the woman who likes to get drunk and dress as Princess Leia, aka the woman of my dreams),

Firstly: if you were my girl, you would never have to drive drunk, because I have droids for that shit. Secondly: I can't believe your husband (aka Luke Failwalker) didn't even have the decency to Force choke and/or mind trick the arresting officer. You, princess, are running with the wrong Jedi. Marry Me?

Yours,

Obi Won Geekologie

Woman dressed as Princess Leia of Star Wars stopped for drink driving [telegraph]

Thanks to Ross, who once ran over his neighbor's cat on a speeder bike but it was okay because speeder bikes float.

Apr 23 2009 Baby Shaking App Pulled From iTunes Store

In an unshocking turn of events, Apple has pulled 'Baby Shaker', an iPhone application that allows users to shake a baby until red X's appear over its eyes and it stops crying, from the iTunes store.

Within a day of the game being available for download, childcare organisations had reacted with fury to the game's shocking premise.

An Apple spokesman would not comment on why the program was initially approved for sale nor about how many people downloaded the game. Apple screens every iPhone application and has rejected a number of controversial apps in the past, including one that let iPhone users throw virtual shoes at President Bush.

First of all, shaking babies isn't really funny. And secondly, I'm more than a little pissed that POS application got approved and mine didn't. How the hell does 'Baby Shaker' make it and not, 'The Oregon Happy Trail: An Adventure In My Pants'. What? It was educational! You died of gonorrhea.

Also, I've had several requests for a Geekologie iPhone app. Personally, I view the site in the browser, but hey, if somebody wants to make one, I won't pay you. But I will make you famous. Internet famous.

Video of the 'game' after the jump.

Continue Reading " Baby Shaking App Pulled From iTunes Store "