Sep 24 2008 OLD!: How To Sell Samurai Swords

Now that's what I call a samurai!

Youtube

Thanks to Ben, who once kicked Leonardo's ass in a ninja fight.

Jul 28 2008 Kids Dig Up Corpse To Make Skull Bong

Wow, just wow. Kevin Wade and Mathew Richard, two 17-year olds from Houston, Texas, were recently arrested for abusing a corpse. They didn't try to have sex with it, but they did remove the skull to make a bong.

Police were interviewing Jones about the debit card fraud when he told them about the grave theft.

Asked why Jones would volunteer the information police sergeant John Chomiak said: 'We can only speculate and guess to what goes on in the criminal mind.'

Come on sergeant, the kids didn't mastermind a bank heist, they dug up a corpse to make a bong. I'm pretty confident there isn't shit going on in their heads.

Teens make human skull bong [metro]

Thanks Gypsy and Paige, now come over and we'll take GB's out of my roommate's fishtank.

Jul 17 2008 Epic Failure: Kid Riding Jet Ski In Hot Tub

This is a short video of an asscap riding a jet ski in a hot tub. It's every bit the epic failure you'd expect. The whole time I was waiting for a cruise ship to come along and crush the dumb bastard to death, but my prayer went unanswered. Something about God hating me.

UPDATE: I'd like to apologize to all of you who were misled into thinking that Captain Numbnuts of the USS Special Ed was going to hurt himself by the inclusion of "epic failure" in the title and post. If it's any consolation, there was nobody wishing him more harm than myself. And also, YAAAAAAAAA! *UMPH* -- there, I just punched myself in the go-go-gadget-gonads for you.

Jet Skiing in a Jacuzzi Is Half Crazy Half Sad [gizmodo]

Jul 9 2008 Idiot Kid Tries To Feed Cops LSD Cookies

Christian Phillips, 18, of Lake Worth, Texas, was arrested for delivering baskets of drugged cookies to police departments in the Dallas area. Christian, who we will now refer to as Dishonorable Captain Meltyface of the USS Acidprise, decided to be charitable with his stash of LSD and make some psychedelic cookies for the area police force. He was arrested after police were "tipped off that someone was falsely claiming to deliver treats on behalf of Mothers Against Drunk Driving." Wow man, that was kind of a dick move. You could have at least manned up and said you were from NORML or something.

"Our officers took a good whiff and thought they smelled like marijuana," McGuire said, adding that preliminary tests instead detected traces of LSD.

The suspect denied trying to contaminate the goodies or harm anyone and said one of his friends might have been smoking pot while Phillips was baking, McGuire said. The suspect is not affiliated with MADD, the chief said.

In Fort Worth, at least three officers got sick after eating some cookies and candy from a basket delivered to that police station Monday night, authorities said.

First of all, Captain Meltyface, you should have made donuts. And secondly, police, you don't get "sick" from eating laced cookies and candy, you get "tripping". You know, like the ceiling looks really awesome and and you see faces in a brick wall. Sick is a fever and diarrhea. Tripping is light trails and crawling around on the floor because the ceiling is two feet high.

Hit the link for the full story.

Teen Accused of Giving Cops LSD Cookies [aolnews]

Thanks Pat, you wanna drop and then walk around town and comment on people's yards?

Jul 1 2008 Valve Hacker Blows $20 Million With Stolen Credit Cards, Is Not The Brightest Criminal

A 20-year old hacker that goes by MaddoxX (not the best page in the universe guy) busted up in a third party Valve server and stole the credit card info of Steam Cyber Cafe users. Then he proceeded to "burn 13 million Euros playing poker online and shopping for notebooks, flat screens and MP3 players". Holy crap, this kid is either the worst poker player in the world or painted the walls of his apartment with flatscreens. And still, that'd have to be a huge freaking apartment. But then MaddoxX got real stupid about the whole thing and boasted about the hack in April of 2007 and posting a bunch of stuff about the feat, that led to his recent arrest.

MaddoxX then posted an archived file that included unverified credit card numbers, transaction amounts, Valve's supposed bank balance, and data that reportedly allowed the creation of counterfeit cyber cafe certificates.

In addition to the Valve caper, MaddoxX is being charged with hacking his way into an Activision server and subsequently downloading an unfinished version of Enemy Territory: Quake Wars. MaddoxX also stole 50,000 credit card numbers from an English ticketing website.

You just had to have that Quake Wars before everybody else, didn't you MaddoxX? Tssk, tssk. Seriously though, stealing from other gamers? That's just wrong. Robin Hood, MaddoxX, Robin Hood. It's "steal from the rich and give to the poor", not, "steal from the gamer and give to the Amazon". You greedy bastard.

Valve Hacker Caught by Dutch Police [shacknews]

Thanks Peter, now lets take turn sucker punching this guy in the nads.

May 27 2008 Epic Failure: Skydiving Record Attempt

Well folks, I miraculously survived three days of trying to kill myself with the drink (one more miracle and I'm eligible for sainthood). So here I am -- unrested, unshaven, generally unkempt, and ready to post. I hope you all had a good holiday weekend, it's great to see all your bright and shining faces this morning -- I missed you.

So on Sunday 64-year old Michael Fournier was set to break several world records and provide valuable data on what sort of impact damage a dead body can do to the earth with a skydiving jump from 40,000 meters (~25 miles).

Mr. Fournier was hoping to break the record for the fastest and longest free fall, the highest parachute jump and the highest balloon flight. He was planning to jump from a point three-times higher than a commercial jetliner flies. Mr Fournier was to wear a pressurized suit to protect him from the extreme low pressure and temperatures down to -100C. Sophisticated camera equipment was supposed to record key moments of the jump, particularly when he broke the sound barrier at 35,000m.

That's right folks, that crazy mother was gonna reach speeds around 1,000 MPH and break the damn sound barrier! That's one tough grandpa. Mine doesn't do shit but drink gin and sit on the porch carving wooden vaginas. So why didn't he end up making the jump? Was it the weather, a fear of death, or a problem with the pressurized suit? Nope, they forgot to properly attach the freaking balloon to his capsule.

...his helium balloon detached from its capsule as it was being inflated, and drifted away into the sky.

God that's freaking pathetic. Now I've gotten high and tried to beat world records before (namely the number of deviled eggs eaten in two minutes), but never have I failed as epically as that (unless projectile vomiting deviled eggs counts, which it doesn't). So what can we all learn from this? That Fournier's loose balloon (lower right) looks like a giant floating prophylactic. And I think we can all agree that's a valuable life lesson.

Jump record fails to take flight [bbcnews]