Apr 25 2009 Bear Grylls Drinks Elephant Dung Juice

This video is like two years old so if you've seen it, congratulations, free Geekologie bumper sticker. Just leave an 'OLD' and your bank account info in the comments and I'll have it transferred first thing Monday morning. Anyway, did you know that in an emergency situation you can drink the juice out of elephant shit? No, because you'd rather die. And I'd imagine puking afterward would probably end up doing more harm than good. But Bear Grylls is all man. Also, I love how a piece of shit almost falls in his mouth at 0:34, classic.

Youtube

Thanks to Tim, who tried it with baby shit and *HORF*

Apr 2 2009 Today's Awesome Failure Award Goes To....

Well, actually, it's a tie. First, a liquor store robber who probably had his mommy drive him there while he finished his juice box.

Police say a 19-year-old who tried to rob a liquor store sat down and cried after 76-year-old owner locked him in the store. The man was accused of trying to rob Sykes Liquor Store in Trenton Monday night. Police said the owner, who was behind the counter, triggered the lock after the man grabbed a bottle of Hennessy cognac and bolted for the door.

The man then allegedly pulled out a handgun and demanded to be released. But the owner said he saw that the gun was a fake, refused to unlock the door and called police.

Police said the suspect threw away the gun, slumped to the floor and was crying when officers arrived to arrest him.

Wow, that is both sad and awesome at the same time. Kind of like the first time I had sex, but without the -- oh wait, he was crying. Yep, exactly like that then. Next, an idiotic failure at life who called 911 after "locking" herself in her car.

A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana.

"My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said. "Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."

The dispatcher asked the woman if she was able to manually pull the lock up on the door. The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."

Can we please get that woman's license revoked? And also, oxygen supply. If only she hadn't gotten reception....damn you, Verizon network!

Man cries after attempt to rob liquor store fails [yahoonews]
and
Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car [orlandosentinel]

Thanks to Joemo and Jason, who have never cried because when they feel a tear coming they just punch themselves in the eye until it goes away.

Mar 31 2009 Man Scores DUI On Homemade Barstool Kart

Kile Wygle (awesome name), 28, recently received a DUI after crashing his homemade bar-stool kart (pictured) and calling 911.

Kile crashed his bar stool near his Newark home earlier this month and called 911 due to his injuries. When an officer arrived and asked Wygle what happened, he answered, "I wrecked my bar stool." According to a Newark Police Division report, a copy of which you'll find here, Wygle's homemade ride is powered by a Briggs & Stratton lawnmower engine. Wygle noted that the bar stool could hit nearly 40 miles per hour, but that he was only going 20 when he wiped out late in the afternoon on March 4 (a witness told police that he spotted someone driving a "strange motorized machine" before the crash). A plastered Wygle, who failed a series of field sobriety tests, was charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license, both misdemeanors. His bar stool was not impounded.

Damnit Kile, why'd you have to go and call the cops? You should have just brushed yourself off and then popped wheelies all the way home. You could have been Rad to the power of Sick! But nooooo. Now you're just DUI to the power of APB: Kile's riding his bar-stool drunk again. You failure.

Cops Bust Stool Fool [thesmokinggun]

Thanks to Jerkster, Just...A Guy, Timo, Stacey, Chris and BiSScuiTT, who are all smart enough to drive on the sidewalk.

Mar 25 2009 Canned Bacon: Perfect For Stocking Your Robot/Zombie Shelter. Also, Snacking

Canned bacon. Undoubtedly the best course of The Last Supper, Yoder brand canned bacon can now be yours. Plus, it comes in sweet-ass camo cans. Hey, where'd my bacon go?!?

For the first time in almost 20 years, canned bacon is back in this Country. Not available in any store!

More than 2 years went into the development of this bacon, and we're proud to be able to bring this back to you after improving on a what was a very successful brand of canned bacon made years ago by Celebrity Foods (registered Trademark, all rights reserved).

Each can is 9 ounces of fully cooked and drained bacon. Between 2-3/4 and 3-1/4 pounds of raw bacon go into each can. Each can is the highest quality fresh #1 bacon slices. Cured to our specifications, cooked and then hand wrapped, rolled and packed in the U.S.

My God that sounds delicious. A single can will set you back $12, but that's not really bad considering it's 3 pounds of cooked bacon and will stay fresh for over 10 years. You know -- this might very well be the most delicious thing to ever come in a can. Well, besides this. Here, open it. *POW POW!* Haha, that was Geekologie brand Whoop Ass, bitch!

Hit the jump for a photo-uncanning.

Continue Reading " Canned Bacon: Perfect For Stocking Your Robot/Zombie Shelter. Also, Snacking "

Mar 25 2009 Real Life Spider-Man Rescues Autistic Boy

A quick-thinking Thai fireman came to the rescue recently when he dressed as Spider-Man in order to coerce an 8-year old autistic student off a high ledge.

Teachers at a special needs school in Bangkok alerted authorities on Monday when an autistic pupil, scared of attending his first day at school, sat out on the third-floor ledge and refused to come inside, a police sergeant told AFP.

Despite teachers' efforts to beckon the boy inside, he refused to budge until his mother mentioned her son's love of superheroes, prompting fireman Sonchai Yoosabai to take a novel approach to the problem.

The rescuer dashed back to his fire station and made a quick change into a Spider-Man costume before returning to the boy, he said.

"I told him Spider-Man is here to rescue you, no monsters are going to attack you and I told him to walk slowly towards me as running could be dangerous," Somchai told local television.

The boy came to the masked hero without hesitation (I hope no candy vanners are reading this). Sonchai says the fire department keeps Spider-Man and Ultraman costumes to "liven up school fire drills", and also, "freaky deaky sex". Well PEW PEW to you too, Bangkok Fire Dept.

Thai fireman in 'spider-man' rescue of autistic boy [yahoonews]

Thanks to Joemo, Sam and Jason, who ask, "where were you, Iron Man?"

Mar 24 2009 British Scientists Producing Synthetic Blood

Apparently British scientists are ahead of everyone else in the race to produce a synthetic blood supply using stem cells. Go you, Britain, here's a teacake.

Because stem cells multiply indefinitely, it would be possible to enormous quantities, researchers said.

The cells can be made from universal donor embryos - the O-negative type - and can be guaranteed to be free of infections because they have never been inside a human.

The idea of destroying embryos to create stem cells raises ethical issues, but in theory, just one embryo could meet the nation's needs.

Stem cells aside, I think the real issue is this: if synthetic blood is so readily available, how are we going to track the vampire population? I've seen Blade, those bastards are crafty. I suggest we start culling the herd now before it's too late. And speaking of culling -- I'll take care of Edward, you get the rest.

British scientists on course to become the first to produce synthetic human blood [dailymail]

Thanks to phuzzygish, who one made some pretty believable synthetic blood with corn syrup and food coloring.

Mar 4 2009 Woman Calls 911 Over McNugget Emergency

NOTE: Video consists of the calls to 911.

Not once. Not twice. But three times did Latreasa Goodman call 911 about the lack of McNuggets at her local McDonald's and the manager's unwillingness to give her a refund.

When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Goodman noted, "I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report. That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system. Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, "this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency."

I'm with you, Latreasa -- McNuggets ARE an emergency. I've nearly killed cashiers for less. Like that time they told me the McFlurry machine was broken -- I was over the counter and had dude's hand in a deep fryer before you could say Value Meal.

A McNuggets "Emergency" [thesmokinggun]

Thanks to Jason and Tank, who have both called 911 because they didn't get the toys they wanted their Happy Meals.

Mar 2 2009 I'd Rather Just Die: Alleged 'Rescue' Robot

This rescue robot, the red-headed stepsister of this beast, was designed to rescue humans from areas firemen can't easily access.

Apparently, the seemingly unnamed robot can not only carry a 110 kilogram person over difficult terrain with ease, but monitor the occupant's vital signs as well, although complete details on that, and any other technical details are a bit hard to come by at the moment. As with most such robots, however, this one's apparently not completely autonomous, with it packing some infrared cameras to allow its operator to locate folks even in conditions with poor visability.

Maybe it's just me, but I'd rather die by fire or crushing than crawl into this thing's belly. Because God knows what it's gonna do to you once you're in there. Tell me -- you think it's just a coincidence it's human-carrying drawer looks like one at the morgue? No, it's not. Seriously though, props to the guy that posed for the picture. You see where guy's got his hands there? He's shielding the photographer from his balls. Uranium alloy.

Yokohama fire department enlists robotic crawler to aid evacuations [engadget]

Thanks to ksam84 and Mark, who threw a mannequin packed full of C4 into the remains of a demolished building in the hope of luring one of these beasts to its death.

Aug 1 2008 I Called It!: The Apocalypse Is Nigh

When running from a robot, you only have to run faster than your children. Which should be easy because you tied their laces together, right? If you answered, "I would never!", then it's been nice knowing you, but you're robot fodder. Anyway, remember the post a while back about Robokiyu (pronounced Robokillyou), a robot used to extract the wounded in emergency rescue situations? Well, unsurprisingly, the robot is now going to be used to eat the dead instead of the living. Why? Because everybody the robot came to "rescue", no matter how badly injured, actually tried crawling away from the damn thing. Can you blame them? Absolutely not. Like my grandpa always told me, "I'd rather have all my red run out than let one of them thar robotech sums of bitches nom nom my gray spaghetti. You understand what I'm tellin' ya, boy?" I'd shake my head "no", but he'd keep right on, "Good, now fetch the hootch and I'll tell you about the time I caught your pa humpin' a tractor."

Weirdest Robots Ever -- Corpse-Eater Bot [asylum]

Thanks Adam and MoMan, now let's take that mother out.

Jul 8 2008 Jump Out A Window: The Wizard Escape Pack

Look around. See any flames? Take a whiff. Does it smell like smoke? Take your iPod's earbuds out. Is there a fire-alarm blaring? If so, strap on the Wizard safety pack, attach the end of the lifeline to something sturdy (no, not your computer monitor) and then dive out a window. Now sit back and piss your dress pants while the Wizard's 250-meter cable lowers you safely to the ground. Designed by HJC Design, the promises an "automated public safety solution with up to 250-meters of reciprocating lifeline technology." You just better hope a co-worker wants your attach point and disconnects your line before you hit ground level (lest you hit ground level at a break-neck velocity). That's why I'm sticking to plan A: my trusty hang glider. Sure it takes up the entire men's bathroom, but seriously, would you rather be safe in the event of an emergency or urinate in your coworker's desk drawers? Ahhhhhhhhhh, exactly. *zip*

Wizard escape pack: too late for MacGyver, too conceptual for Bauer [engadget]

Thanks Julian, I'm thinking we'll use these to escape the strip club without paying our tab

May 20 2008 More Robotic Death And Destruction, This Time Under The Guise Of "Disaster Relief"

The Disaster Relief Robot was designed by Daniel Shankland, the same sick bastard behind the Firefighting Robot. The two robots were "designed with the same core parts and then specialized for the tasks we wanted them to complete." In this case they're supposed to aid disaster relief. But let me ask you something -- does that picture really look like two robots involved in disaster relief? No, it doesn't. What it does look like is either A) two robots ravaging a city looking for color to eat or B) two robots battling each and destroying a city in the process. Neither of which paints a very colorful picture of the future (just look at it -- it's all black and white). You see what I'm getting at here? That's right, the robots of the apocalypse will be powered by ingesting color and leave the earth barren of pigment. *sniffle* I'll miss you periwinkle.

A bunch more pictures, including a close-up of the crotch, and an actual model of the thing, after the jump.

Continue Reading " More Robotic Death And Destruction, This Time Under The Guise Of "Disaster Relief" "

May 9 2008 Emergency Party Button May Create An Impromptu Sausage Fest, But Hopefully Not, Unless That's What You Were Hoping For

You come home from a long day at the office and it's time to get your swerve on. What do you do? Push the Emergency Party Button of course!

Basically, it is exactly what it sounds like; a button that instantly launches a party. When pressed, the blinds to my apartment close, the kitchen, hallway, dining room, and living room lights dim, the stereo starts blasting Haddaway - What Is Love, black lights turn on, laser lights start moving to the music, a strobe light goes on, and the fog machine starts up. With another press of the button, the party is gone as easily as it started. It may not be the most hi-tech thing in the world, but people sure as hell love it when they come over.

There's a build page here if you're interested in making one yourself. I'm definitely going to, but with a twist. Instead of being an emergency "party" button, it's going to be an emergency "uh-oh, I think that's my girlfriend at the door" button. It won't play music or dim any lights, but it will start the ignition on my jetpack.

A worthwhile video of the system in action after the jump. Oh, and another highly questionable one of some MIT kids that made something similar in their dormroom.

Continue Reading " Emergency Party Button May Create An Impromptu Sausage Fest, But Hopefully Not, Unless That's What You Were Hoping For "

Mar 10 2008 The iStraw Is Horribly Named But Cleans Water As You Drink It So You Won't Get Sick

The iStraw, thanks to special micro-filtration technology, makes drinking water from the toilet safer than ever. Available for $40 from ThinkGeek, the straw can filter about 130 gallons and "reduces up to 99.99999% of all waterborne bacteria." Wow, that's a lot of 9's! You can use it to suck directly from streams and lakes, but brackish and turbid water are highly not recommended. The iStraw looks like a magic wand and makes the perfect addition to an outdoor survival kit. I definitely just ordered a few for myself in case of an emergency. My girlfriend is going to have to take her chances with a regular straw. It's not that I don't love her, it's just that, well, okay maybe I don't. I mean I did spend her birthday at a stripclub. And not the one where she works at either.

Germaphobes Rejoice, The iStraw is Here [albotas]

Mar 5 2008 Quantum Sleeper Bed Protects From Chemical Attacks, Natural Disasters And Kidnappers

The Quantum Sleeper is essentially a saferoom built around a bed. It comes packed with all the following features:

1.25" Polycarbonate Bulletproof Plating/Shielding, Bio-Chemical Filtered Ventilation, Rebreather, Control Panel Mode Selection (i.e., Basic System Ops., Intruder Setting, Energy Status, Lock Down, etc.), Cover & Door Actuators w/ Emergency Release, One way see through head cover (reflective mirror on 2 sides and front), Safety Features (Proximity Sensor, O2 Sensor, Smoke Det., Motion Det. Ect,), Emergency Communication system (Cellular, Short-wave Radio, CB etc.), Audio Amplifier (Amplify sound from outside unit), Air/Water Tight Sealing, External Override Key Pad & Remote Control, Battery Backup Power, Toiletry system

Wow, looks like they've got all the bases covered for overprotective parents and people who are afraid of everything. Too bad I saw that movie Panic Room with Jodie Foster and she was totally not hot. Completely turned me off to panic and safe rooms. However this bed does come with options for a microwave and refrigerator. Make sure to add The Rack and then you might have something worth investing in. Unfortunately models start at over $100,000 -- so chances are you'll just have to die instead.

Product Site

Thanks to Karolyn, who doesn't need one of these because she's a certified ass-kicking machine, for the tip

Feb 20 2008 Bedu Emergency Kits Are Barrel Shaped

Bedu Emergency Rapid Response Kits allegedly contain everything you need to survive in a crisis zone. The kit, designed by Toby McInnes, includes "a tent, storage annex, photovoltaic strip tarpaulin/blanket, multifuel stove, lighting rig, tool kit, medical kit, water filtration system, generator and battery pack and emergency radio." These sound like a great idea. My only problem is the picture they're using. That does not look like a crisis zone. Where are the zombies and monsters? People do not wave to the camera in crisis zones. And what the hell is up with that Roman pillar in the back? You see it? The one next to the giant weed plant.

Another picture after the drop.

Continue Reading " Bedu Emergency Kits Are Barrel Shaped "

Jan 11 2008 ATAX Survival: You're The Last Man Standing

The ATAX Survival Tool was designed by survivalist Ron Wood and has a lot of features that may come in handy if you find yourself the last human on earth (or drunk and lost in the woods).

You can either use it as a knife or lash it to a stick and use it like an axe. The high-carbon steel main blade measures 4-1/2″ with the tool’s overall length coming in at 5-1/2″. With the various metrics laser-etched on the blade, you can tell time (like with a sundial), measure angles, and judge distances. With some slingshot tubing, you can turn the ATAX into an arrow launcher for hunting game. The micarta handle conceals a small storage area for various survival items like matches and twine and MacGyver brand paper clips.

The unit sells for between $150-$200. The only problem I have with the thing is that it's impractical. If everyone else in the world is dead, then chances are there were zombies and/or vampires involved. So this thing should have tools specifically designed for the mass destruction of said beasts. I'd take this survival kit over the ATAX any day. And not just because a gun is included. Okay, mostly because a gun is included. Well that, and a Plexiglass shield.

ATAX Survival Tool [boingboing]

Oct 26 2007 Emergency Zombie Kit Worked Well For Me

Some brilliant individual has crafted an Emergency Zombie Defense Station. It includes a shotgun, some shells, a knife, and the lid doubles as a plastic riot shield. I actually ordered one of these awhile ago because I had a zombie creeping around my house for awhile. I finally managed to kill it when I caught it raiding the fridge late one night. Turns out it was my ugly-ass girlfriend with no makeup and her hair in curlers.

A few more after the jump, including one of a guy fending off an embroidered tablecloth.

Continue Reading " Emergency Zombie Kit Worked Well For Me "

Oct 19 2007 Dog Rescue Jacket For Earthquake Victims

Well look at this dapper little bastard. He's looking mighty handsome today isn't he? That's because he's sporting the new Canine Earthquake Rescue Jacket. The idea is that this hotdog shaped animal will wiggle his way through debris to you if you happen to be trapped in your bathtub after your house falls in around you. The pack contains emergency supplies and food, to keep you alive until you're freed. The thing costs $434, which seems a little steep for a vinyl fanny-pack and hood. I just hope that have that little guy trained. Because if he's anything like my dog then no one is getting rescued. He'd tear open the pack, eat the food and supplies, then proceed to lick his genitals for awhile before falling asleep.

Canine earthquake rescue jacket [core77]

Aug 29 2007 New Age Piggy Bank

Becky Miller, a regular da Vinci of our times, has designed the "In Case of Emergency Break Glass" bank. It's a bank that looks like one of those fire alarms, except I'm thinking that this thing doesn't have real glass. And that hole in the top looks plenty big to shake all the coins out. So what you're left with is a conversation piece to hang up in your home. "Hey buddy, stupid bank you got there on the wall." "Thanks man, I know, I'm a freaking idiot." "You can say that again, you are one dumb bastard." "I really am, I'm a total failure at life."

New Age Piggy Bank [yankodesign]

Aug 23 2007 High Tech Shoes For Prostitutes

From the "Our Street Walkers Need to be Better Equipped" department come the platform shoes for prostitutes. Designed by the Aphrodite Project, these are the latest in greatest in hooker safety.

The shoes have an audible alarm system, which emits a piercing noise to scare off attackers. The shoes are also outfitted with a built in GPS receiver and an emergency button that relays both the prostitute's location and a silent alarm signal to public emergency services. Where there are problematic relations with law enforcement.... the shoes will relay the signal to sex workers' rights groups.

I don't even know what to say about this except that I'm getting them for all my girls. I'm tired of always trying to track them down to demand my money. Now I'll just use the GPS and threaten to run them over with the car.

High Technology Shoes For Prostitutes [therawfeed]