Oct 26 2009 What In The...?: Vampire Mouth In A Can

This vampire mouth in a can is actually a male sex toy. It's the completely inappropriate $45 Fleshlight Sex in a Can 'Succu Dry'. Not even kidding, no matter how badly I wish I was. Now I don't really want to go into too many details, but those fangs aren't even functional. Oh, hold on, I'm getting an email.

----- Original Message -----

From: bloodlover3962@hotmail.com
To: The Geekologie Writer
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:21 PM
Subject: Geekologie Tip - Male Sex Toy

Geekologie Writer,

Instead of selling guys on that vampire mouth in can, could you just pass my # along? Thanks champ, love the site.

Edward Cullen

I knew it! Sorry you had to find out this way, ladies.

Have a Happier Halloween with the Fleshlight Succu Dry [gizmodo]

Thanks to Aisha, Closet Nerd, smith, Gable and Root Beer, who don't buy sexy toys, they buy sex tools. I don't even know what that means, but I think it involves at least a 2-stroke motor.

Oct 5 2009 Spider Drawing Guy Is Back At It, With Sharks

David Thorne, a man best known for drawing a picture of a seven-legged spider to settle an unpaid bill, is back at it -- this time staving off another rental property inspection with shark drawings. And while David may never top the spider bit, this one did have its moments. Namely the end. Unfortunately, it also has a lot of words, which I mostly skimmed over. Not unlike the way you read Geekologie. Kidding -- like any of you get past the picture. Your sister's a whore!

Hit the jump to see how the whole ordeal played out.

Continue Reading " Spider Drawing Guy Is Back At It, With Sharks "

Sep 1 2009 I LIKE BIG LETTERS: WOMAN FIRED FOR USING CAPS IN A COMPANY EMAIL

Yelling, as you may well know, is a great way to get your point across. And capitalization is yelling's written equivalent. Don't believe me? LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!

An accountant in NZ has been awarded $17,000 NZD for unfair dismissal after her boss fired her without warning for using uppercase letters in a single email to co-workers. The email, which advises her team how to fill out staff claim forms, specifies a time and date highlighted in bold red, and a sentence written in capitals and highlighted in bold blue. It reads: 'To ensure your staff claim is processed and paid, please do follow the below checklist.' Her boss deemed the capital letters too confrontational for her co-workers to read after they woke up from naptime.

I love capital letters. I don't want to marry them or anything, but I would go out on a couple dates and maybe slip a big W the tongue. Don't judge me -- I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOU BANG NUMBERS AND SYMBOLS!

Woman Fired For Using Uppercase In Email [slashdot]

Thanks to Jen, who once popped a caps lock in some bitch's ass for frontin'.

Aug 25 2009 How Not To Private Message On Facebook

This is 41-year old idiot moron Tracy T-something trying to send lover Michael a Facebook message expressing how much she loved him recently railing her but instead posting the note ON HER OWN WALL (admit it, we've been there). Wow, Tracy, what are you doing with this Michael character anyway if you're engaged? And what the hell is a permanent invitation to "the-love-cave-between-my-legs?" Don't get me wrong, I love camping with bears as much as the next guy, BUT I'M NOT MOVING INTO THE CAVE. I would, however, start a fire in there and grill some mammoth.

Picture [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Lee and Lisa, who understand the internet is magic but can still send a message where they mean to.

May 13 2009 Spam Emails: Now With More Illustration

This is a picture from artist Elliot Burford's series of work entitled 'Spam', which features illustrations created using the titles of spam email, most of which are for wiener growing pills. I posted a bunch more of my favorites after the jump, but there are 24 in total (so far), so take a gander if you like them. I was particularly fond of this one, for obvious reasons -- I like the smell of gasoline. Kidding, BURN IT WITH FIRE!

Hit the jump for more.

Continue Reading " Spam Emails: Now With More Illustration "

Apr 1 2009 Google's CADIE And Gmail's Auto-Pilot

Well folks, the apocalypse is upon us. Google has foolishly unleashed the world's first "artificial intelligence tasked-array system" (death-bot) upon the world. CADIE (Cognitive Autoheuristic Distributed-Intelligence Entity) is going to kill us all, and, even worse, delete all the porno on the internet (personal speculation).

So although CADIE technology will be rolled out with the caution befitting any advance of this magnitude, in the months to come users can expect to notice her influence on various google.com properties. Earlier today, for instance, CADIE deduced from a quick scan of the visual segment of the social web a set of online design principles from which she derived this intriguing homepage.

Nice homepage, reminds me of my own. But to her credit, CADIE has actually done some good. Namely, creating a Gmail program that answers your emails for you when you're too busy getting hosed down (violently, not sensually) by the coming robot army. It's called Auto-Pilot.

As more and more everyday communication takes place over email, lots of people have complained about how hard it is to read and respond to every message. This is because they actually read and respond to all their messages.

But what happens if a sender and recipient both have Autopilot on?

Two Gmail accounts can happily converse with each other for up to three messages each. Beyond that, our experiments have shown a significant decline in the quality ranking of Autopilot's responses and further messages may commit you to dinner parties or baby namings in which you have no interest.

There you have it folks, April Fools, 2009. See you all tomorrow, when telling your girlfriend you got her sister pregnant stops being funny and starts being real.

Google
and
Gmail Auto-Pilot
and
CADIE's Blog

Thanks to TJ, sofa king, Smith III, amy, The Mighty Musnud, Dave180!, oisin and Ryan, who only drive on auto-pilot. Nice guys, that's safe.

Nov 20 2008 7-Legged Spider Drawing Sells On eBay

Remember my personal hero David Thorne and his seven-legged spider drawing that was idiotically refused as payment for a $233.95 bill? Well the spider just sold on eBay -- for $10,000. And guess who won? This guy. *pointing at self* Ow, my eye. But yeah, I thought about just printing out a copy of the drawing, but then decided that would be immoral. Because I don't steal things -- except women's hearts! I keep them in a cooler full of ice and sell them on the black market. "Hearts! Get your hearts here! Also, ice cold beer."

UPDATE: Somebody on eBay is now selling accessories for seven and eight-legged spider drawings. Hit the jump to see their Santa hat and Buddhist's robe.

Continue Reading " 7-Legged Spider Drawing Sells On eBay "

Nov 19 2008 I Knew It, I Knew It!: The Internet Is Magic

Holy shit folks, the internet is magic. You know, this reminds me of an ex-girlfriend's mother who couldn't understand why, just because she misspelled the email address, her message couldn't be delivered. "I only had one letter wrong, the internet lady should have known who I was trying to reach." That's right folks, the internet lady. God she was freaking stupid.

The Internet Is Magic [collegehumor]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer for smearing superglue on the rim of the urinal in the men's room. Now I'm stuck.

Nov 13 2008 Good Idea!: Man Submits Drawing Of Spider Instead Of Payment For Overdue Account

David Thorne didn't have the $233.95 to pay an overdue account. So what did he do? What any other budding young genius would do, he submitted a picture of a spider he drew instead. Unfortunately, Jane Gilles, who is clearly a mega-bitch to the nth degree, wouldn't accept it. So what happened next? Hit the jump to find out. But I'll give you a hint: time travel! And also, David's account not getting paid.

You really want to read the rest, so hit it.

EDIT: Here's the original page which provides a little more info.

Continue Reading " Good Idea!: Man Submits Drawing Of Spider Instead Of Payment For Overdue Account "

Nov 12 2008 It's The Future!: Gmail, Now With Video Chat

Truthfully, I only use Gmail and Gmail chat to communicate with two select individuals (you know who you are). But now, thanks to the marvel of modern technology, we can talk it up with streaming video. Oh happy day! You ever videochat with a blogger that's only left bed to let the dog out and eat three bowls of cereal? And on a side note: did that just make your loins tingle? Because it did mine. Just kidding, bed bugs.

Gmail gets voice and video chat capabilities [dvice]

Nov 4 2008 Sign Fail: Double Check Your Translation

Sign failure, always good for a laugh. At least a chortle. This one comes to us from the distant land of Wales, which may or may not be real and ruled by a powerful sorcerer. According to his black magical highness, all road signs must be bilingual, with both English and Welsh.

When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed.

Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated".

You've reached The Geekologie Writer. I'm currently unavailable, probably locked in the office supply closet again after The Superficial and Iwatchstuff writers lured me in with the promise of a floozy/pizza party. Help. HELP! Oooh, free pens.

E-mail error ends up on road sign [bbcnews]

Thanks to Tom, whose name actually means Lord Asskicker in Elvish. And Jonathan, whose name means God's Gracious Gift to Women.

Oct 8 2008 Prevent Drunk Emailing: Google Mail Goggles

Google recently unveiled a Gmail application that may help prevent drunk emailing. When in use, the program requires a potential emailer to solve a few mathematical problems before the message can be sent. Pretty clever, now make something similar for cell phones and we'll be set. Or you can just subscribe to The Geekologie Writer's method of drunk messaging prevention -- dropping your phone in the pisser when you're trying to text. I touched a urinal cake with my finger!

Google's Mail Goggles Prevents Drunk Emailing [wired]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer and DJ LIBOR, who both probably regret sending this tip.

Oct 6 2008 USB Light Up 'You've Got Mail' Indicator

This is a little $17 USB gadget that lights up whenever you receive new email. It can turn green, blue, or red to indicate which account the mail is from and looks like a little envelope. Neat. Oh, it's blinking! Oh boy, oh boy!

Date: Mon, 06 Oct 2008 07:04:33 +0000
From: "ives abdulkaf" mail@camelbak-deals.com
Subject: Upsize your hotdog into a french loaf
To: tips@geekologie.com

Top 10 sellers for organic pharmacology today

Hell yeah French loaf, I'm starving!

USB webmail notifier lights up your life when you've got mail [engadget]

Thanks to Julian, who receives his email the old fashioned way, by horse.

Jul 25 2008 Spam King Escapes Prison, Kills Wife And Daughter Before Committing Suicide

Well folks, the asshole went and did it. Edward Davidson, a man competing for the "Spam King of Douchenburg" title with this guy was serving a measly 21 months in prison after being convicted of falsifying header information to send spam e-mail, tax evasion and criminal forfeiture. But instead of bending over and taking his well deserved cavity searches like a man, he decided to escape. Then kill his wife and 3-year old daughter before turning the gun on himself. What a piece of shit.

UPDATE: Had the story all mixed up, fixed now.

Fugitive spammer dies in murder-suicide [msnbc]
and
'Spam King' kills family, self; U.S. attorney calls him 'a coward' [rockymountainnews]

Thanks Jessica, Dianne, and Todd.

Jul 23 2008 'Spam King' Sentenced To Four Years In Prison, Hopefully A Really Rough One

'Spam King' Robert Soloway is headed to a federal pound you in the ass (I hope) prison for 47 months. He recently pleaded guilty to fraud, spamming, tax evasion, general douchery, asshatness, and sucking at life. We should probably just give him the chair. I really hope a fellow inmate down a handful of those penis pills he was always emailing me about and spams his ass.

Hit the link for the full story.

Top Spammer Sentenced To Nearly Four Years [yahoonews]

Thanks Julian, now let's stone him.

Jun 6 2008 Online Service Sends Emails To Nonbelieving Friends/Family Left Behind After The "Rapture"

Youvebeenleftbehind.com is an online service that will send emails (assuming computers still work) to as many as 62 nonbelieving friends/family after you, the good Christian, have been conveniently relocated to heaven during the "Rapture".

We have set up a system to send documents by email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 Christian team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

Interesting. The service costs $40 a year and I just signed up. Of course, I'm only sending a single email:

Future Me,

Surprise, surprise -- you didn't make the cut. Now you're f***ed.

Website Lets You Send A Post-Rapture Email To Friends 'Left Behind' [wired]

Thanks to Sam for reminding me there are more apocalypses to worry about than just robot/zombie ones

May 15 2008 Alien "Email" Could Arrive As Early As 2015, The Pope Is Totally Cool With That, You Know, As Long As It Doesn't Really Happen

Hisashi Hirabayashi and a colleague used a radio telescope in 1983 to send a message to Altair, a star approximately 16 light-years away.

The message, which is believed to have reached Altair in 1999, consisted of 13 binary-encoded images (71 x 71 pixels each) that showed, among other things, the characteristics of our solar system, the location of our planet, the known chemical elements, whole numbers, human characteristics, and the basic structure of DNA. Their message also attempted to explain biological evolution with a depiction of mammals evolving from primeval life forms (see the image above of the fish crawling onto land).

That one picture looks like a midget kicking a naked woman in the shins, but whatever. Now provided the aliens (if there are any) were intelligent enough to receive and decode the message, they could have a message back to us as early as 2015. Hot damn, I can hardly wait!

Strangely, one of the pictures sent to Altair includes the molecular formula for ethanol along with the kanji characters for kanpai (the Japanese toast of "cheers!") and the English word "TOAST." "I came up with that idea while drinking," Hirabayashi playfully admits. "The aliens probably won't understand that part."

Oh, they'll understand Hirabayashi, they'll understand. Alcohol is the universal language that that makes communication with the opposite sex possible. The googly-eyed bastards will definitely get that. What I'm worried about is them understanding the rest of it.

And in a related story the Vatican has announced that it is perfectly Christian to believe in aliens, despite their not being in the Bible.

The Bible "is not a science book," Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes (Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory) said, adding that he believes the Big Bang theory is the most "reasonable" explanation for the creation of the universe. The theory says the universe began billions of years ago in the explosion of a single, super-dense point that contained all matter.

And when asked why aliens didn't make an appearance in the Bible, Funes noted, "It's not a damn sci-fi novel."

Alien e-mail reply to arrive in 2015? [pinktentacle]
and
Vatican: It's OK to believe in aliens [yahoonews]

Thanks to Melissa, who may be the only person who really knows what's out there

Feb 18 2008 Pen Turns Your Writing Into Text Mesages

The D:Scribe is a pen that digitizes your writing to send as a text message. You write whatever you want, circle the name of the recipient, and the pen sends the data to your cell phone via Bluetooth, which in turn fires off the text or email message. The current status of messages is displayed on the pen's little OLED display. I'm really digging this concept. I love writing on bar napkins and hate typing text messages, so this would be perfect for me. Of course there's no chance in hell it would be able to decipher my handwriting. It looks like cuneiform, but with more hearts above the i's and unicorn doodles mixed in.

SMS And Email Pen [yankodesign]