Aug 11 2009 How To Lose Your Job Via Facebook Status
We already saw one jackass nearly lose his job over his Facebook status, and here comes a chick that actually managed to go all the way. Congratulations -- you're an idiot moron! This is exactly why you can't be social networking friends with your coworkers. Am I right?
The Geekologie Writer is the Superficial Writer gobbles donkey balls while IWatchStuff lives up to his name.
Note to self: Don't 'friend' your boss on FB and then bitch about your job. [thenextweb]
Thanks to Allison and max, both of whom I talk smack about behind their backs.
Jan 23 2009 No, No, No, We Don't Pierce The Kitties!
Holly Crawford is a 34-year old sadistic dog groomer that decided to pierce the ears, necks, and tails of some cats and sell them as "gothic cats" on the interwebs. After being tipped off by PETA, her home was raided and she was arrested.
She defended herself saying that she did not see any difference between piercing a cat and piercing a human. She said she used sterile needles and surgical soap and that she checked the kittens several times a day to make sure they were healing properly.
Crawford said her dog-grooming business, Pawside Parlor, has plummeted since the raid and that she has received dozens of nasty phone calls.
Piercing pets -- what the f*** is wrong with people? Please discuss. And as a guy with a Prince Albert piercing myself, I've got to admit: sometimes I pee two streams.
'Gothic' pierced cats sold online [thesun]
Thanks to Kathryn, who knows kitties are for loving, not piercing.
Dec 17 2008 Smart: Stolen XBox Located Using Controller
A Missouri State student returned to his dorm room only to find his XBox 360 had been stolen. But one of the controllers had been left, and was still picking up a signal. So, using the peripheral, the gamer was able hone in on the stolen console.
Ketsenburg, who lives in Hutchens House, said that after his Xbox was stolen, he turned on his wireless Xbox controller and found that it was still connecting to his Xbox. Based on this discovery, Ketsenburg said he realized that his Xbox must be nearby, he said.
The controller connected to the Xbox on the fourth, fifth and sixth floors of Hutchens but not on the third floor and seventh floor, so through process of elimination, Ketsenburg said he figured out that the stolen Xbox must be on the fifth floor.Following the controller's signal, Ketsenburg said he was able to pinpoint the room where his Xbox was stolen.
The 5th floor resident assistant checked the alleged room where the stolen Xbox was and was able to find the Xbox, Ketsenburg said.
Oh man, that's great. The thief is being expelled and Ketsenburg, despite a reformatted hard-drive, is happy to have the XBox back. I swear, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a thief. Which might sound hypocritical seeing how I just stole your heart. Admit it, you love me!
Wireless Controller Helps Recover Stolen 360 [kotaku]
Thanks to Saint Kevin, who once saw a man steal a woman's purse so he tripped the guy and kicked him in the throat until police arrived.
Dec 10 2008 How Not To Maintain Your Fake ID Business
If you sell fake I.D.s, it's best to not advertise that shit all over your Escort LX (or is it?). You can profess your love for Jesus all you want, but keep the I.D. business on the low. Apparently the genius behind this operation (who was clearly focusing his efforts on the Hispanic market) was running the mobile I.D. generating business right out of the car -- which was found to contain both computer and card printer. Great idea there buddy, but piss-poor execution. You should have been a little more discreet in your advertising. Something like, "Born Jesus, but want to be John? Ask me how." See how I even tied in the whole religion thing there? It's called brilliance, folks, and I'm full of it(!).
Thanks to Dan, who may or not be selling fake Blockbuster cards out of his Taurus.
Nov 19 2008 I Knew It, I Knew It!: The Internet Is Magic
Holy shit folks, the internet is magic. You know, this reminds me of an ex-girlfriend's mother who couldn't understand why, just because she misspelled the email address, her message couldn't be delivered. "I only had one letter wrong, the internet lady should have known who I was trying to reach." That's right folks, the internet lady. God she was freaking stupid.
The Internet Is Magic [collegehumor]
Thanks to The Superficial Writer for smearing superglue on the rim of the urinal in the men's room. Now I'm stuck.
Nov 6 2008 Fail: Drunk "Businessmen" Break Horse Statue
Police in Saratoga Springs, NY are looking for the asshats in this video for breaking that poor fiberglass horse after repeatedly trying to mount it in their drunken stupor. There were three people involved, two males and a female (obviously a lady of the night).
Catone said police officials are tracking down the hosts of two functions held Saturday night at the Saratoga Springs City Center. The three people in the video are "very well dressed, and look like they just came from a party," Catone said.The vandals, two men and a woman in their late 20s to early 30s, are seen walking south on Broadway in front of the real estate office when the two men attempt to mount the artwork as the woman snaps pictures.
Wow. If I could count the number of times I've done stupid shit like this, well, I wouldn't be such a drunk.
Spa police searching for horse vandals [timesunion]
Longer, uncut video here and here.
Thanks to Julian, who once tried to escape a crowd of pursuing women on one of those coin-operated horse rides. He didn't make it far.
Sep 22 2008 Crazy Rainbow In The Sprinkler Conpiracy
This is a video of a woman who ate a bunch of lead-based paint chips filming a rainbow that appeared in her sprinkler. She's convinced it's a government conspiracy and they're pumping something into our water/oxygen supply to run tests on us. Needless to say, I think she's on to something.
Youtube
Thanks to chaosthirteen and Stevie, who both agree with me when I say where's my tinfoil helmet?
Aug 14 2008 Guy At Casino Runs Out Of Money, Tries To Bet Weed, Cards Being Dealt Does Not Ensue
Some guy, who may or may not have just set a world record for gravity bong hits, ran out of money while gambling in a Fresno casino, and, instead of cutting his losses and leaving, tried to bet a bag of weed. But Captain Beasters quickly realized his mistake, and, removing the bag from the table, opted for a smaller bet -- you know, just a couple buds. Long story short, he got arrested -- despite showing the cops a pretty convincing Cannabis Club Card he scored off the internet.
Now listen folks -- when you run out of money at the casino, it's time to leave. It is NOT time to throw weed or blow down on the table. You go back to your hotel, retrieve the $40 you stashed for return busfare, and treat yourself to the nicest hooker two Jacksons can buy. Seriously, you ever rolled a blunt on a prostitute's ass? You have? Jesus, I haven't lived. Blow too? Wow. Tell me -- did you lose any in her actual a-hole?
Thanks to Kris, who once bet me I wouldn't follow through with the ugliest hooker I could find. Haha, pay up Kris! Seriously, I want to get this rash checked out.
Jul 17 2008 Epic Failure: Kid Riding Jet Ski In Hot Tub
This is a short video of an asscap riding a jet ski in a hot tub. It's every bit the epic failure you'd expect. The whole time I was waiting for a cruise ship to come along and crush the dumb bastard to death, but my prayer went unanswered. Something about God hating me.
UPDATE: I'd like to apologize to all of you who were misled into thinking that Captain Numbnuts of the USS Special Ed was going to hurt himself by the inclusion of "epic failure" in the title and post. If it's any consolation, there was nobody wishing him more harm than myself. And also, YAAAAAAAAA! *UMPH* -- there, I just punched myself in the go-go-gadget-gonads for you.
Jul 3 2008 Medical Manikin Is Pretty Freaking Disturbing
This is an old dude with really saggy tits and yellow wires hanging out of his arm. He comes with interchangeable two penis and vagina attachments and is used to train doctors how to play dress up with a plastic dummy. See, there's a wig and everything. Accessories include two bottles of everclear, a sports drink, and some syringes. If you want one of your own to get freaky with they're available for around $1,000. Also, if you want to play doctor I will play with you.
Medical Manikins Freak Us Out [gizmodo]
Jun 26 2008 Pervwad Hides Cellphone Up His Keister
Jeffrey Barrier is a pervwad. One that was standing on a chair taking cameraphone pictures of a naked chick in Cincinnati, Ohio's Aloha Tanning salon. The woman spotted him and police were quickly on the scene.
When cops later confronted Barrier, "he kept denying any involvement of the incident" and claimed to not have a camera. However, a second search of the suspect turned up the camera. As noted in a Hamilton County Sheriff's Office report, Barrier "did hide evidence in his anus."
Ah yes, the ol' cellphone in the anus trick. Been there, Jeffrey. It helps if you turn the ringer off. Say, this reminds me of a song I just made up.
Well, if my ass is a ringin', don't bother callin'
Yeah, if my ass is a ringin', don't bother callin'
If my ass is a ringin', don't bother, my cellphone's in my anus
Hit the jump for a picture of Captain Perv and a copy of the Sherriff's report and court affidavit.
Feb 13 2008 Illegal: Guy Convinces Girl He's A Freaking Vampire/Werewolf Hybrid So He Can Do It
A 19 year old boy by the name of Kristian Allen Carl is convinced he's a vampire/werewolf hybrid. He also convinced a 15 year old girl that he met one night that he was, and they did it. After being arrested for sexual assault Kristian showed his canine teeth to police officers to prove he was said beast, but they didn't go for it. To make matters worse the nutcase told police that he has a guardian dragon that protects him from evildoers.
Whoa there Kristian, you've gone too far. A vampire/werewolf combination I could believe, but one with a guardian dragon? Get real. You know this really makes me question the validity of your hybrid claim. I'm starting to think you're just a guy that's seriously f***ed in the head. But to be safe we'll be packing both silver bullets and stakes when the hunting club comes to pay you a visit this weekend. Several of the guys are really excited about the prospect of bagging a vampire/werewolf hybrid. Me? I've starting to hope that dragon is real after all.
Unearthly assault alleged [morningcall]
via
albotas
thanks to Brytne, who knows no news is good news, for the tip
