Nov 19 2009 Air Blower iPhone App Really Blows Air (See What I Did There? There's More To Come!)

Looking for the latest and least greatest in iPhone apps? Check out the $1 "Blower" app. It sucks blows sucks and blows is f***ing stupid.

Thanks to the new "Blower" app, iPhone owners will now be able to blow out candles with their handset. Just "switch on your app, turn the iPhone volume to the max and feel the air flowing from the speaker opening."

Unlock the new mind-blowing secret feature on your iPhone. Turn your iPhone into a real Air Blower!

Mind-blowing secret feature my ass. An x-ray camera, now THAT'S a mind-blowing secret feature. Or the ability to make calls to the dead. Phone developers, are you getting all this? Because I'm not buying another phone until I can talk to George Washington and take pictures of Martha's underwear. Just saying.

Hit the jump for a video of the app blowing out candles. WHEE, what a birthday!

Continue Reading " Air Blower iPhone App Really Blows Air (See What I Did There? There's More To Come!) "

Sep 15 2009 In The Land Of The Blind, The Man With One Eye Is King: Ridiculous Cyclops Sunglasses

I don't wear sunglasses because I like squinting, but for those of you that do, and only have one giant eye, maybe these new Martin Margiela sunglasses are for you. Sure they look like a giant windshield and cost $570, but that's a small price to pay for looking like a giant Miami douche-hydrant, am I right? Of course I am. Unless we're talking about handed, in which case I'm left. Speaking of which -- remember that no child left behind program? It's a lie (my parents abandoned me at a water park).

Martin Margiela Sunglasses [likecool]

Thanks to naas, who doesn't wear sunglasses BECAUSE HE OPTS FOR DUAL EYE PATCHES. Damn yeah, matey!

Aug 30 2009 You've Got Mail!: Oldschool Computer Mailbox

Who the hell still rocks those oldschool CRT monitors? You do? Oh, sorry. Truthfully, I still rock a 21-incher myself. HIYO! Anyway, this is a $230 computer mailbox fabricated out of wood and a traditional mailbox so that some punkass teenagers can come bat the shit out of it. I don't recommend them. But I do recommend you paying me $100 to make you a modern flatscreen monitor mailbox. Sure it'll just be an unpainted piece of particleboard with a whole cut in the middle, but what did you expect? Watch your bills just blow away! But not into my yard, I'll call the cops.

Computer Mailbox: You see, grandma? This is how e-mail works [dvice]

Aug 9 2009 No, Wrong, No: $32,000 Golden Computers

I don't care if a computer can run a real-time simulation of the Big Bang while playing Crysis at the highest settings and rendering a HD home movie you made of the neighbor's dog humping a stray cat, it shouldn't cost $32,000.

Gaiser High End Design PCs range from $7,820 to $32,300, and it isn't because they've got such great components. No, it's because they have 24 carat parpartial gilding with gold leaf.

Yeah, no. Although, I DID just think of a computer that is worth $32,000. It's called my old laptop, and I'll even sign it for you. And, not to get your hopes up, but it may contain some nudey pics (I'll make sure it does).

Aug 6 2009 Two 14-Foot Laptops + Terrible Hosts = This

In an attempt to sell me parts to make a bomb, Radio Shack is hosting 'The Shack Summer Netogether' for the next couple days. What the hell's a netogether? Imagine two 14-foot laptops, one in San Francisco and one in New York. Now imagine two idiot moron hosts with distorted mics talking to each other about the most asinine bullshit. "What do you know about Miami?" "I know they have a basketball team". I'm not even kidding, I almost impaled myself on my laptop. But I didn't because I love you. No, not you, you. Mmmm, those massive jaws and little arms. "RAWR!" OMG -- you know what that does to me!

I'm warning you, it's painful to watch

Thanks to Stephen, who saved himself the trouble and punched himself in the eyes and ears for two hours.

Aug 3 2009 Candle Melter Makes New Candles From Old

The Candle Quick is a glorified stove pot that melts pre-burnt candles to make new ones. Melt multiple candles together for unique smell combinations! Including, and virtually limited to: complete stinking ass! The Candle Quick costs $25 and, despite what the picture would have you believe, is best used WHILE PAYING ATTENTION. I can already hear the fire trucks from here.

Recycling candles is what this economy has brought us to [dvice]

May 1 2009 Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Robot

I want these people (if they are people) found, and I want them TERMINATED!

The American Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Robots (ASPCR)

Thanks to Greg, who took some initiative and called the FBI to report a new terrorist threat.

Feb 17 2009 Screw It, I'm Tired Of Living: Crane Pull Ups

This is a video of some joker doing pull ups hanging from a crane that is way up high in the sky. Like a bird, except metal and painted red. Okay, like Bubo, the owl in Clash of the Titans, except he was silver and gold and had beady little eyes. Whatever, I am the Analogy King! Anyway, every time the dude goes back down after a pull up I thought he was going to fall. But he didn't, and that made me very sad.

Youtube

Thanks to The Jerk, who once did two thousand crunches in a row and then puked.

Feb 13 2009 Don't Try This At Home: Shooting Friend With Black Powder Powered Nerf Projectile

Note: Video contains a little foul language. Sailors, please ignore this warning.

Basically these asshats stuff a suction-cup tipped Nerf projectile into a real gun, pack the thing full of black-powder, and shoot some guy in the gonads. It looks like it hurts. Skip to about 2:30 for the actual shooting to begin. But warning: you may want to cover your own junk with a coffee cup while you watch. Haha, just make sure it's empty first -- MEDIC!

Tip: don't fire a Nerf dart out of a real gun [dvice]

Thanks to Ryan, who once shot a friend in the ass with a blow-dart gun and would have gotten his ass kicked had he not coated the dart in poison frog.

Feb 2 2009 What, Why?: A See-Through Glass Pool Table

I don't get it -- I don't need to see my feet while I'm shooting pool. But if you have a foot fetish and some serious coin ($25,150), you can pick up a G1 Glass Top Pool Table. It's freaking glass covered in some patented (and likely cancerous) material called Vitrik that allegedly plays like felt. I don't believe a word of it, but there's a video after the jump so you can draw your own conclusions. And, while you're at it, how about a unicorn for yours truly?

Hit the jump for several more pictures and the video.

Continue Reading " What, Why?: A See-Through Glass Pool Table "

Jan 24 2009 Wow, Just Wow: Chia Obama Heads

Chia Obama comes in both "determined" and "happy" poses, costs $20, and is probably the worst way to "honor" a president I can think of.

Hit the jump for a comparison of the two poses.

Continue Reading " Wow, Just Wow: Chia Obama Heads "

Jan 23 2009 No, No, No, We Don't Pierce The Kitties!

Holly Crawford is a 34-year old sadistic dog groomer that decided to pierce the ears, necks, and tails of some cats and sell them as "gothic cats" on the interwebs. After being tipped off by PETA, her home was raided and she was arrested.

She defended herself saying that she did not see any difference between piercing a cat and piercing a human. She said she used sterile needles and surgical soap and that she checked the kittens several times a day to make sure they were healing properly.

Crawford said her dog-grooming business, Pawside Parlor, has plummeted since the raid and that she has received dozens of nasty phone calls.

Piercing pets -- what the f*** is wrong with people? Please discuss. And as a guy with a Prince Albert piercing myself, I've got to admit: sometimes I pee two streams.

'Gothic' pierced cats sold online [thesun]

Thanks to Kathryn, who knows kitties are for loving, not piercing.

Jan 23 2009 Wiilly Bad Ideas: Adding Weights To Wiimotes

Wow, wait till somebody beats their dog in the head or throws one of these through the TV.

Introducing riiflex, a weighted attachment designed for the the Wii™ remote. Soon gamers and fitness enthusiasts alike will be able to turn their Wiimote into a weighted dumbbell.

Be among the first to receive this innovative product by submitting your reservation for preorder today.

* Designed for the Wii™ Remote (Wiimote).
* 2LB and 5LB increments (currently proposed).
* Allows access to all Wii™ Remote functions.

Riiflex: $5 to reserve for pre-order
New flatscreen television: $1,600
Two years of therapy for the kids when you kill the family dog: $9,000
Convincing yourself you'll actually get fit playing Wii with a weighted remote: priceless

There are some things money can't buy, for all the rest, steal.

Product Page

Thanks to Tank, who works out his treads running over the bodies of his enemies.

Jan 23 2009 Help Prevent Carpal Tunnel With Awethumb!

This video is chock-full of slanderous lies and half-truths about the dangers of texting in an attempt to sell you little plastic thimbles to slip on your thumbs when using your cell phone. I'm only posting it because 1. I can't believe these pieces of shit and 2. I just love hearing the guy say "AWETHUMB!", particularly at 0:22 and the very end. $11.50 gets you "2 Small & 2 Large Awethumbs and a Microfiber Storage Pouch that Doubles as a Cleaning Cloth". $18.50 gets you everything mentioned above and an Awethumb handjob.

Product Page

Thanks to Mother B, who doesn't need Awethumbs, because they're stupid.

Jan 9 2009 Obama Requests Extension For Analog TV Shutdown. Confused Grandparents Rejoice, But Don't Really Know What's Happening.

President-elect Barack Obama requested Congress extend the analog television cut-off date because inadequate funding and flaws in the converter box program. You know, because a bunch of people are stupid. And dumb. Mad dumb.

John Podesta, co-chair of the Obama-Biden transition team, requested that "the cut-off date (February 17th) for analog signals should be reconsidered and extended". The letter was sent this Thursday to the chairs and ranking Republicans on the House Energy & Commerce Committee and Senate Commerce Committee.

Apparently there is some concern that the inbreds will freak out and blame the new president when their picture-boxes stop working shortly after his inauguration. So better to postpone the shutdown and educate the yokels before things get out of hand. Uh-oh, and speaking of getting out of hand -- where'd my penis go?

Obama Asks Congress for Analog TV Shutdown Delay [gizmodo]

Dec 31 2008 I Like Cold Beverages: The Cooper Chiller

The $60 Cooper Cooler Rapid Beverage Chiller chills a beer down to 43 °F in sixty seconds. So, at the moderate drinking rate of one beer per 45 seconds, you only have 15 seconds of down time until the next beer is ready. Not too shabby. You just fill the P.O.S. with ice and water, and presto: it rotates your can, all the while hosing the aluminum bastard down with cold water. Of course, if you're looking for something a little more powerful -- something that can cool a beer instantly -- I've got two words for you: witch titties.

One Minute Drink Chiller Works Better Than A Fire Extinguisher [ohgizmo]

Dec 16 2008 What?: Russian Man Trademarks ;-) Emoticon

Apparently the Russian patent office granted a trademark to resident doucheweed Oleg Teterin, a man who now allegedly owns the rights to the ;-) emoticon. WTF!

But critics doubt the trademark's legal basis as the emoticon has been in the public domain for years.

"I want to highlight that this is only directed at corporations, companies that are trying to make a profit without the permission of the trademark holder," Mr Teterin said in comments on the Russian TV channel, NTV.

He also said since other similar emoticons - :-) or ;) or :) - resemble the one he has trademarked, use of those symbols could also fall under his ownership.

Wow, what is the world coming to? And where does this Ruski get off trying to trademark MY emoticons. That's right folks, I invented them all. Just kidding, but I do use 8===D a lot, often followed by 'PEW PEW!'

Russian hopes to cash in on ;-) [bbcnews]

Thanks Richthegringo, and good luck on your quest to patent all punctuation. Also, thanks to Abby, my new legal consultant.

Nov 19 2008 I Knew It, I Knew It!: The Internet Is Magic

Holy shit folks, the internet is magic. You know, this reminds me of an ex-girlfriend's mother who couldn't understand why, just because she misspelled the email address, her message couldn't be delivered. "I only had one letter wrong, the internet lady should have known who I was trying to reach." That's right folks, the internet lady. God she was freaking stupid.

The Internet Is Magic [collegehumor]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer for smearing superglue on the rim of the urinal in the men's room. Now I'm stuck.

Nov 12 2008 Mayor of Turkish City 'Batman' Is Suing Christopher Nolan And Warner Brothers

Huseyin Kalkan, the mayor of Batman, Turkey, is suing (director) Christopher Nolan and Warner Brothers for using the name of the city in The Dark Knight without his permission. In other news, Batman may have elected a retarded mayor. And should totally sue this little twerp.

"There is only one Batman in the world," Kalkan said. "The American producers used the name of our city without informing us."

Kalkan claims he has evidence, which will show the city of Batman was founded before the 1939 debut of Bob Kane's DC Comics superhero by the same name.

Wow. Just wow. It all makes sense now. I mean, Batman, Turkey is like the crime-fighting capital I've never heard of. Why has this been a non-issue for the past 70 years? Simple -- stupid mayors. Somebody send that city a big bag full of cash, pronto.

Christopher Nolan being sued by Batman [msnbc]

Thanks to Morrocco Mole, Marc, and Adam, governors of The Riddler, Penguin, and Mr. Freeze, respectively.

Nov 7 2008 Why God, Why?: A Welcome Mat Mouse Pad

I've seen it all now. A $13 mouse pad that looks like a welcome mat. Jesus, what will they think of next? And could it possibly be this freaking stupid?

UPDATE: Jesus said their next pad is gonna look like a little mouse cage. Aaaaaand I'm out. *BANG*

Product Page

Thanks to Reece, who knows that the only good mouse pad is a bearskin rug.