Nov 17 2009 Drunkest/Pilliest Man Ever Battles Laser Wizard At The Convenience Store, Loses

Remember the video of the world's drunkest/crunkest/least stand-uppiest man trying to score some beer from the convenience store? Well it turns out he was battling a previously unseen wizard trying to prevent him from drinking and walking. This security footage, enhanced with technology so advanced you wouldn't even be able to understand it, explains it all. Even better than Clarissa -- AND THAT BITCH KNEW EVERYTHING.

Youtube

Thanks to naas and matt, who are always smart enough to don their anti-invisible wizard capes when venturing out for more brewhaha.

Apr 27 2009 It's Scientific: Bacon Cures Hangovers

In a study that surprises nobody who's woken up still Tyrannosaurus Wrecked from the night before in a puddle of someone else's urine and eaten the breakfast of gods, scientists have discovered bacon really does cure a hangover.

"Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good."

"Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of aminos which tops these up, giving you a clearer head."

Researchers also found a complex chemical interaction in the cooking of bacon produces the winning combination of taste and smell which is almost irresistible.

As a matter of fact, I remember reading somewhere in the Bible that the Apostles would all fry camel (a close relative of the pig, don't bother looking this up) after a night of boozing. So, yeah -- bacon: it's what Jesus would do.

Also, that's me in the picture.

Bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover [telegraph]

Thanks to The Baconator, Kevin, Rick, Cam, Duffman, Jonathan and Barry, who know the best way to cure a hangover is to start drinking again.

Feb 20 2009 Talented Geekologie Reader Makes Mario 1-Up Mushroom From Tequila Bottle Cork

It never ceases to amaze me the talent you Geekologie Readers possess. In this particular case, reader Bexx B. made a 1-Up mushroom out of the cork from a bottle of tequila she chugged. *swoon*

So, because I am a drunkard. After finishing off my bottle of Trader joes Tequila - I looked @ the cork.. and thought WELL goddamn! it looks like a mushroom.

So I made this from it. A 1-up Mushroom! HA!

Wow, creative AND an alcoholic. Really reminds me of somebody I know -- The Superficial Writer! Half burn?

Thanks Bexx, now eat it and tell us what happens.

Nov 21 2008 Soda Dispenser Dispenses From The Bottom

This piece of crap from Scotsman Beverage Systems dispenses ice from the top, and soda from the bottom. ZOMG, sorcery! It's supposed to revolutionize the beverage serving industry but it's not going to. What it is going to revolutionize is landfills. The system works thanks to special glasses with a non-return valve in the bottom that are set on top of a special filling unit. Now why is this necessary? Oh right, so Scotsman can charge $6 apiece for the glasses. Can somebody say "shenanigans"? Nice. Now say "Don't worry, I'll pick". Great -- finish it off with an "up the tab". Bartender, you heard the man, keep the bourbon flowing.

Magic system fills glasses from the bottom up somehow [dvice]

Nov 17 2008 Asking Your iPhone: Am I Drunk Yet?

Drunk calculator applications already exist for the iPhone, but this one is more in depth. And freer. Because it's free. You can choose exactly what you've had to drink, and based on your weight, it determines how sloshed you are. Like right now it's telling me I shouldn't even be blogging. F*** it though. Seriously, it doesn't know shit. Bartender, another. If you do get too drunk, the application will even call you a cab or tell you to make out with the dude next to you who looks feminine enough to warrant a kiss. Then, puke on yourself, lose your shoes, and pass out in a ditch and get frostbite. I mean, it's the American way. Back me up Superficial Writer. Haha, yeah, I just told them about your weekend. So, did you get dude's number?

Last Call iPhone App Wants You To Get Drunk Responsibly [gizmodo]

Thanks to Josh, who drank 40 beers for breakfast and still had bourbon with lunch.

Nov 6 2008 Fail: Drunk "Businessmen" Break Horse Statue

Police in Saratoga Springs, NY are looking for the asshats in this video for breaking that poor fiberglass horse after repeatedly trying to mount it in their drunken stupor. There were three people involved, two males and a female (obviously a lady of the night).

Catone said police officials are tracking down the hosts of two functions held Saturday night at the Saratoga Springs City Center. The three people in the video are "very well dressed, and look like they just came from a party," Catone said.

The vandals, two men and a woman in their late 20s to early 30s, are seen walking south on Broadway in front of the real estate office when the two men attempt to mount the artwork as the woman snaps pictures.

Wow. If I could count the number of times I've done stupid shit like this, well, I wouldn't be such a drunk.

Spa police searching for horse vandals [timesunion]

Longer, uncut video here and here.

Thanks to Julian, who once tried to escape a crowd of pursuing women on one of those coin-operated horse rides. He didn't make it far.

Oct 8 2008 Prevent Drunk Emailing: Google Mail Goggles

Google recently unveiled a Gmail application that may help prevent drunk emailing. When in use, the program requires a potential emailer to solve a few mathematical problems before the message can be sent. Pretty clever, now make something similar for cell phones and we'll be set. Or you can just subscribe to The Geekologie Writer's method of drunk messaging prevention -- dropping your phone in the pisser when you're trying to text. I touched a urinal cake with my finger!

Google's Mail Goggles Prevents Drunk Emailing [wired]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer and DJ LIBOR, who both probably regret sending this tip.

Sep 17 2008 Mini Kegs: Not Just For Breakfast Anymore

Etsy seller hesslerk is selling this sleek Heineken mini keg amp for $120.

My liver suffered to bring you this awesome amp, don't worry... the beer went to a good cause!

The sleek design and sound quality will blow you away! Works great for Guitar, Bass, and MP3 players. Plugs into a standard wall outlet. The amp has a power switch and volume control.

I want it. I can't even play the guitar and my MP3 player got stolen by a monkey while vacationing in Costa Rica, but I still want it. I mean, I love beer. Which explains why I woke up in jail and had to make up a lame excuse for why I showed up for work so late.

Hit the jump for one more picture.

Continue Reading " Mini Kegs: Not Just For Breakfast Anymore "

Jul 22 2008 Drunk Driver Blows 0.491, Is Still Alive

No, it wasn't me. I don't drink and drive. I drink and walk. And already have enough trouble with that. Stanley Kobierowski though, he's another story.

Stanley Kobierowski, 34, of North Providence, was arrested after he drove into a highway message board on Interstate 95 in Providence, Maj. Steven O'Donnell said.

Smooth move, dipshit.

The legal limit in Rhode Island is .08. A blood alcohol of .3 is classified as "stupor," .4 is "comatose" and .5 is considered fatal, according to the health department. "Our only assumption could be that the person has a serious alcohol problem," O'Donnell said.

Uh, yeah, amazing assumption there, Major O'Donnell. Really, you sure he's an alcoholic and not just a robot that runs on gin?

Seriously though folks, no drinking and driving. I'll call you a taxi or come and pick you up myself if I have to. Because if I catch another one of you floundering around in my pool after you've driven through the fence and off the diving board, I'll kill you myself.

UPDATE: That's not a picture of his accident. That's just something I found on the interwebs to use as the picture.

Driver Charged With .491 Blood Alcohol Level [wbztv]

Thanks Mark, and like I said before, I wasn't in Rhode Island this morning, I swear.

Jun 13 2008 Guy Scores Himself A DWI On Cooler Scooter

Well folks, they finally got me. After months of (relatively) incident free cooler scooting around town, I finally scored my first DWI while doing 13 MPH down the sidewalk.

Leslie J. "Bomber" Marr, 57, was charged with driving while intoxicated and aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle after the police saw him swerving on the street and driving on the sidewalk in his "Cruzin Cooler," Whitehall Police Chief Richard LaChapelle told the Post Star newspaper.

Marr's electric-powered cooler was filled with 14 beers and has room for 24 cans and ice, Fox News reported.

These jackasses have the story all wrong. First off, my name is Leslie J. "Mad Bomber" Marr, and secondly, there were only 12 beers left because I slammed two before the cop got out of his car.

Under New York state law, driving any motorized vehicle must be done without alcohol, including motorized coolers. In various states, other modes of transportation in which driving is prohibited while intoxicated include lawnmowers, boats, bicycles, golf carts, wheelchairs and horses.

Wow, no drunk wheelchairing, huh? Why don't we just go the extra mile and make being handicapped illegal too?

Man Gets DWI After Riding Motorized Cooler [wgal]

Thanks Jacob, now everyone's gonna make fun of me

Jun 6 2008 Sobrietol Reduces Level Of Blood Alcohol, Fun

Sobrietol is some mystery formula of cancer-causing agents that reduces your blood alcohol content after a heavy night of drinking. And let me tell you -- as someone who thought yesterday was Friday and went out and got shit-hammered -- I lost my shoes.

Have you ever had one too many drinks at a party, wine-tasting, or night out with the girls? Unfortunately, for all too many of us, we know what that means for the next morning -- we wake up a little lethargic. Maybe a tummy that's queasy, maybe a throbbing head, maybe a dude you thought was a chick in bed next to you.

Sobrietol® was found to decrease the level of blood alcohol by 56% in independent tests as measured by Oregon State Troopers. The next day will be like you didn't drink at all!

First of all, there's no such thing as "one too many drinks", there are only too few. And secondly, a box of 8 packets costs $40 -- that's like 8 good liquor drinks! And trust me, nothing cures a hangover like drinking the next morning. So thanks but no thanks Sobrietol, the only product I need to help remove alcohol is free -- my penis.

Check out the link to the website right under these words to hear an auto-playing sales pitch for the product that's filled with lies.

Sobrietol Website

Thanks Allyson, lets down like twenty packets each and then go out drinking. Everyone will think we're superheros.

Mar 26 2008 Canoflauge Can Covers Hide Your Beer

Canoflauge can covers are made out of vinyl and printed to look like soda cans. You just wrap one around a cold beer, and presto, time to drink in public. I think they could have done a little better with the names, but whatever, you'll have your hand around it anyways. The (reusable) set of four costs $5.89. Mine arrived this morning, so I'll take a stroll around town and let you know how they work.

UPDATE: I was out of beer so I just stuck two of them on a bottle of Jagermeister. It wasn't very convincing, a cop on a Segway arrested me. Someone please post bail. No rush though, I think my cell-mate is a personal trainer and we're going to do some exercising. Great guy, said he's really gonna give my ass a workout.

Canoflauge: This Isn't Beer Officer, It's a Refreshing Can of Skunkpiss [gizmodo]

Thanks to Bianca, who has one of my favorite names, for the tip