Oct 31 2008 Eff It, I'm Going As A Dork: iPhone Costumes
While The Superficial Writer has been doing his patriotic duty posting hot celebrities in their Halloween costumes, I get stuck with a bunch of goofballs dressed as iPhones. What the f***. Anyway, I like the dog one. All the others suck, except for maybe the baby seat one. That one was cute. Seriously though, I see you dressed like an iPhone tonight, and I'm pushing your buttons. Figuratively. And, since it is Halloween, literally too. *BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP* I'm calling your mom!
Continue Reading " Eff It, I'm Going As A Dork: iPhone Costumes "
Aug 25 2008 Two Vigilante Ninjas From New Jersey Try To Stop Drug Dealers, End Up Going To Jail
That isn't one of them in the picture. That's a hot female ninja, completely unrelated to the story, but a highly appropriate graphic nonetheless. Anyway, 22-year old Tadeusz Tertkiewicz and 19-year old Jesse Trojaniak were arrested in Clifton, New Jersey, for being the world's worst ninjas.
Calling themselves "Shinobi warriors," the men wore black SWAT-type vests and carried knives, throwing stars, swords, nunchucks and a bow and arrows.After being arrested early Wednesday in a car on Route 46, the men said they were delivering warning letters to drug dealers and drug users urging them to stop their "impure" activities.
The letters said those who persisted would be stopped with "justified yet, merciful force."
Wow. From an interview with one of the ninja failures:
First we tried sneaking around the bushes, but we couldn't because the bushes were too thick. So we went for the more subtle, just, um, like hit and run approach, where we'd just run in there, slap the letter, and just run out of there as quickly as possible.
Listen, I've got news for any of you would-be Shinobi warriors out there: If your stealthy mission is thwarted by a bush, guess what? You aren't a freaking ninja. Go home and nunchuck yourself in the vagina till you pass out.
Hit the jump for a picture of one of them, along with a link to the news video.
Dec 7 2007 56 Geeks Poster For Your Basement Wall
Scott Johnson, a geek, made a poster identifying 56 different types of geeks. I'm sure there are more, but it's a good start. They're available from myextralife and will run you $36 for a 20x30" or $10 for an 8x12". Kind of expensive, but maybe you're in love with it. I'm not in love with it, but it's okay. Like my wife. She's alright, but nothing I'd marry again if I could do it all over.
I posted pictures of the whole damn poster after the jump, split in two.
Nov 29 2007 Blendtec Douche Blends Guitar Hero III Guitar
Tom Dickson, who is most certainly a dick and douchebagger, blends a Guitar Hero guitar in the latest installment of "Will It Blend?". He claims he has 27 grandchildren, but I think we all know this guy has never procreated with anything but a blender. He destroys the guitar because "it doesn't play the Beach Boys". Jesus Tom, enough already. Some of us are still saving our allowances to afford that game, so it's a sad day to see it just chopped up like that. Tom ends with a "So this is what you get for not having the Beach Boys." Well Tom, this is what you get for destroying that game *punches teeth out, grabs Tom's arm* "Will it blend?" *jams Tom's arm in blender*. It blends.
Nov 14 2007 Laser Pizza Cutter Not As Cool As It Sounds
Looks like some ass-clowns broke into the laser laboratory again and decided to use the CO2 laser to cut a pizza. While it is neat watching the laser do its thing, the video left a bad taste in my mouth. Mostly because it was shot horribly and the video starts with some dongle setting the scene with a "What they didn't cut our pizza? Bastards." in the most annoying voice I've ever heard. To their credit I did hear some chicks in the background, but I'm afraid to know what they look like. Now I'm not saying these people shouldn't breed, I'm just saying I wish using a laser to cut pizza sterilized everyone in the room.
Video via [ohgizmo]
Nov 9 2007 Venomsnow Switchboard Is Questionable
Venomsnow Switchboards look like they were made for handicapped people. And based on that guy in the picture, I'm even more convinced.
The Switchboard features two short woodcore boards joined end-to-end on a double hinge, with lightweight footstraps on top, twin skates underneath the rear board, and an aluminum steering bar on a pogo stick-like suspension unit mounted on the front board.
All the pictures available of this thing feature the goofiest bastards alive riding them. Good luck selling any, unless your target demographic is halfwit ass-clowns. Which it probably is.
Another dork catching some air after the jump, along with a demonstration video and a 70's porn-style commercial.
Nov 8 2007 Web 2.0 Social Network T-Shirt: Very Dorky
The Web 2.0 shirt has a list of all the popular social networking sites. You use a permanent marker to check off all the sites you belong to. Then you're supposed to wear it out and let everyone know just how geeky you really are. So what if your friend list is empty on all the sites, there's no space to write that in anyway. I made a similar shirt for myself that has the one social group I belong to: my biker gang. While we don't really make friends or network, we do stomp heads and ride our hogs drunk. Very similar concepts though.
The whole list after the jump.
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Nov 7 2007 Best Campaign Commercial EVER EVER
Above is the best campaign commercial ever made -- and yes, it's real. It was made last year in Rockingham County, North Carolina for a seat on the Board of Education. The dude didn't win, but he did get 4,648 votes from people who obviously know what the hell is up with politics. May the force be with this man. I think he may be retarded.
Youtube [thanks to Raúl, a man who can win any election, for the tip]
Nov 1 2007 Calculator Prevents Indecent Exposure
The Chrome Calculator Belt Buckle ($10) is almost exactly what it sounds like. The only thing they failed to mention is that it also serves as an incredibly effective chastity device. You can put it on either way (numbers up or down), so that you can use it, or someone else can do the number punching for you. It's pretty f'ing dorky, but I got one anyways. I like to keep a real close eye on my secretary when she's calculating expense reports.
The Amazing Chrome Calculator Belt Buckle [slashgear]
Oct 26 2007 I've Always Wanted A Girl With Elf Ears
Dr. Lajos Nagy, a New York plastic surgeon, has created a surgical procedure to make your ears pointy. According to the doctor, who will now be known as Dr. Delirious, these are going to be very popular.
A newfangled extravagance is spreading amongst the music-lover youngsters of New York, which, after invading America, is sure to conquer the whole world. Ears becoming pointed as a result of plastic surgery not only enhance the attractiveness of the face, but also improve the experience of listening to music.
There you have it, straight from the horse's mouth. Now let's review the before and after pictures shall we? Clearly the procedure makes you dress a little nicer. It also enables the patient to make a more quizzical look. It clearly doesn't do shit for your crappy haircut, and it definitely makes your ears look like complete ass. Although -- I have always wanted to make love to an orc. Did I say orc? I meant elf. Elf lady. Elf Princess. Fairy. Like Tinkerbell. Just bigger. Okay with the wings and glowing. Penis not okay.
Pointy Ears [neatorama]
Oct 26 2007 iShoes Are Ridiculous(ly Freaking Dorky)
Well apparently it's "Incredibly Stupid Ways To Get Around" day here at Geekologie, and what better to celebrate than to show off these fancy iShoes (yes, they actually named them f'ing iShoes). They're basically electric roller-skates. Okay, it's actually one electric roller-skate (with brake) and one un-electric roller-skate (without break). Which seems like an interesting design. They can go 15 MPH and are one size fits most (men's 8-12, women's 7-10). They can go about 7 miles on a charge and weight 16 lbs for the two (which is probably a 14 lb right skate and 2 lb left skate). As if all this awesomeness wasn't enough for you to rush out and get some, they also make you look like the stupidest ass-clown to ever hit the streets. I actually wanted to get a pair, but my penis said if I did we could forget about ever making love to a woman. And I just can't take any chances.
Video proof of how cool you look with them after the jump.
Continue Reading " iShoes Are Ridiculous(ly Freaking Dorky) "
Oct 10 2007 Star Trek Casket And Urn, For Dead Dorks
Eternal Image, a manufacturer of "brand name funerary products that celebrate the passions of life" is releasing a line of Star Trek inspired products. And if Star Trek isn't your thing there's a Precious Moments line. Monuments and vaults will be available next year, along with the casket, but the urn is dropping soon.
The new STAR TREK Urn will feature a bold design reminiscent of the 24th century styling of the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet. The STAR TREK Casket styling has been inspired by the popular “Photon Torpedo” design seen in STAR TREK II: The Wrath of Kahn.
Now I'm not saying that you won't get into heaven if you arrive in one of these, but I do happen to know that God thinks Star Trek fans are dorks. Star Wars fans are straight though.
Oh, and this guy has no chance whatsoever and will burn in hell for eternity.
Product Site [thanks to storm trooper Jay for the tip]
Oct 4 2007 Apple Fan Pwns Microsoft Sign
An Apple fan was caught showing Bill and the rest of Microsoft what he/she thinks of the company. I use he/she because I've spent the better part of fifteen minutes trying to figure out what sex that person is, and I still can't tell. Let's run through the photographic evidence. Long hair: Many dorky men in the computer industry have pony tails, so this is inconclusive. Tucked in t-shirt: Just as popular with both male and female virgins, so again, inconclusive. Possible earring: Looks like it may be a hoop, so leaning female, or very gay male. Lastly, Peeing like a dude, but no visible urine on sign: Likely indicates a female, or a male with penis so small the guy is lost in his own pubic hair and peeing into his hand. Conclusion: Dork. Likely virgin. Little or no penis.
UPDATE: I'm not making fun of Apple or Apple users, just the boob in the picture.
Microsoft Sign Gets Upgraded [techeblog]
Sep 25 2007 Not Found Bumper Sticker Lacks Cool Factor
I'm perfectly happy with my "If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk" bumper sticker. But it's different strokes for different folks. Maybe this is more your style. I hope not though, because it's painfully uncool. Using my detective skills I noticed there were two other files missing from this guy's server. 1. rust-free-exterior.pnt and 2. anyfemales4me.vrgn
Not Found Bumper Stick Lacks Cool Factor [techeblog]
Sep 20 2007 Homemade 25mm Sniper Cannon
These kids have overprotective mothers that won't let them play with real guns, so they decided to build their own out of PVC. The gun "boasts a two-and-a-half-foot barrel that is one inch in diameter, has custom bolt-action mechanism, a modded sprinkler valve as the primary firing valve, and a $40 sniper scope." There is an instructables online if you want to make your own, but I suggest you don't, because that would make you a dork, like them (and these guys). Potato guns are fine though, because I made one. There's a video after the jump, featuring the gun shooting a CO2 canister THROUGH a cardboard box! All the way! It goes ALL THE WAY THROUGH. That's power. Wow. I mean, wow. I think I felt a little movement in my pants. Wait, no, cat crawling up my leg.
Video after the jump.
