Oct 8 2009 Wow, That Was Sad: Tree Electrocutes Itself
This is a video of a tree which, unable to cope with the unruly birds and squirrels that have taken up residence in its branches, has decided to off itself with the help of a nearby power line. It's almost as painful to watch as your apartment building going up in flames because you were trying to grow pot in your closet. Almost. NOT THAT I'D KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. Pfft, I went to D.A.R.E.!
Tree Electrocutes Self [collegehumor]
Thanks to NUTZBABIE, who I would probably steer clear of.
May 29 2009 Archie Is Set To Marry....Veronica (Black Hair)
Archie, after like a million years of trying to bone both Veronica and Betty, is committing himself to one woman, Veronica. *sniff* Don't do it bro, don't do it. Why buy the cow when you can do everything on the farm, know what I'm saying? I'm talking goats and shit.
In what's being billed the "Archie Story of the Century," perennially indecisive loverboy Archie Andrews has finally chosen the raven-haired Veronica Lodge over sunny girl-next-door Betty Cooper, according to the official Archie Comics website.
"Could it be true? Has Archie finally decided to take the plunge and propose to comics' favourite rich girl? It sure looks that way!" read a note posted online Wednesday.
Sure it looks that way, but nothing is what it seems...IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE *dum dum dum -- doot doot dum dum dum dum dum!*. The whole fiasco will be spread out over six comics (issues # 600-605) and culminate in Veronica catching Archie and Betty together (in a sexually suggestive situation) the night before their wedding and then locking the two in a hotel room and burning the building to the ground. The last panel will be Veronica giving Jughead a little hand action in the car while a fire engine races past.
Archie shocker: Comic book hero picks Veronica [cbanews]
Thanks to spiderkitten, who totally agrees I'd make a great comic book writer.
May 8 2009 Brotherly Hate: Now With More Lightsaber!
This kid is pure evil -- just look at him. If evil were a Tetris level on Game Boy, this kid would be a 20. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if, in a few years, I heard he'd brought a lightsaber to school in his backpack.
Thanks to Romeo, who once broke his thumb shooting ping pong balls out of his mouth at his babysitter. Just kidding, that was me.
Apr 27 2009 I Want Out: Electrocuting Rubber Duckie
Looking for a way out but second guessing your decision to dive into a volcano? Enter the Electric Bath Duck, a suicide assistance device that allegedly works better than a toaster. Thankfully, it's fake. But listen -- I don't want any of you killing yourselves anyways, you hear me? Because then who would read the words I write? Nobody, that's who. My family doesn't even read my diary anymore and I leave it open on the coffee table. So if you are having suicidal thoughts, seek help. And remember folks, I'm here for you. God may have spited me downstairs, but I do have big ears.
Hit the jump for a shot of the back.
Continue Reading " I Want Out: Electrocuting Rubber Duckie "
Jul 22 2008 Drunk Driver Blows 0.491, Is Still Alive
No, it wasn't me. I don't drink and drive. I drink and walk. And already have enough trouble with that. Stanley Kobierowski though, he's another story.
Stanley Kobierowski, 34, of North Providence, was arrested after he drove into a highway message board on Interstate 95 in Providence, Maj. Steven O'Donnell said.
Smooth move, dipshit.
The legal limit in Rhode Island is .08. A blood alcohol of .3 is classified as "stupor," .4 is "comatose" and .5 is considered fatal, according to the health department. "Our only assumption could be that the person has a serious alcohol problem," O'Donnell said.
Uh, yeah, amazing assumption there, Major O'Donnell. Really, you sure he's an alcoholic and not just a robot that runs on gin?
Seriously though folks, no drinking and driving. I'll call you a taxi or come and pick you up myself if I have to. Because if I catch another one of you floundering around in my pool after you've driven through the fence and off the diving board, I'll kill you myself.
UPDATE: That's not a picture of his accident. That's just something I found on the interwebs to use as the picture.
Driver Charged With .491 Blood Alcohol Level [wbztv]
Thanks Mark, and like I said before, I wasn't in Rhode Island this morning, I swear.
Apr 16 2008 Guy Proposes To Girlfriend Via Hacked Video Game, She Says Yes, My Wife Divorces Me
Bernie Ping is a computer programmer that proposed to his girlfriend Tammy Li by hacking her favorite game, Bejeweled. After she reached a certain score a special screen with the message popped up, and she said yes. PopCap, the maker of the game, was surprisingly unpissed (companies typically discourage hacking their games), and is even flying the couple to Seattle as part of their honeymoon and handing out copies of the game to wedding guests.
Wow, that's so awesome. But not nearly as awesome as the way my girlfriend thought I was proposing to her. I'll tell you about it. You see, my girlfriend and I were really big into those claw machines (crane games) where you try to pick up stuffed animals and dump them down a chute. Well some of the machines in the bars around here have jewelry and other crap stuffed in there. So there we were playing when I noticed there was already something in the prize chute. I told my girlfriend to investigate, and it was a little ring box. She started tearing up as she removed it, thinking I was proposing. You should have seen the look on her face when she opened it up and it was a chintzy key fob -- priceless.
From matching gems to the perfect match [yahoo]
Thanks to Alastair, who no woman could refuse, for the tip
