Nov 14 2009 The Million Dollar Man With The Bionic Ass

Ged Gavin, 55, has a bionic ass and doesn't care who knows. Which is good because I definitely just texted everyone in my phone. And by texted I mean sexted. All the kids are doing it. What? Yes I'd jump off a bridge!

Mr Galvin suffered massive internal injuries and had to be fitted with a colostomy bag until surgeons at the Royal London Hospital could perform the complex operation to rebuild his bottom.

The medical team took a muscle from above his knee, wrapped it around his sphincter, and then attached electrodes to the nerves.

These are now operated by a palm-sized remote control that he carries in his pocket.

"They call me the man with the bionic bottom, but that doesn't bother me. My gratitude to the surgeons is endless because what they have done is a miracle."

Colostomy bag or a bionic ass, that's a tough call. I'd probably opt for a bullet in my head. Kidding, suicide is never the answer. Unless you're my ex-wife, in which case it totally is.

Man uses remote to control his 'bionic bottom' [telegraph]

Thanks to Ross, who uses a remote control to chew but is starving because he lost the thing in a couch.

Nov 5 2009 On This Day In History

In 1955, Doctor Emmet Lathrop Brown was standing on a toilet hanging a wall clock when he slipped and beat his head on the bathroom sink. Unconscious, Doc had a vision. And that vision was that of a flux capacitor -- the device that makes time travel possible. The rest, my friends, is history. Or should I say, future? Time travel joke!

Wiki Page

Thanks to Zach, who doesn't need roads where he's going.

Aug 10 2009 Bad Idea: Creepy Surgical Masks For Dentists

How would you like that nightmare standing above you with a drill in its hand? You wouldn't, would you? My gums are bleeding just thinking about it.

Clever surgical masks with funny cartoon mouths were sent to dentists in Hamburg, Germany. The goal was to lighten up a visit to the dentist for the kids and everyone else, as well as to promote Colgate Smiles Kids toothbrushes.

Honestly, I'd rather knock all my teeth out with a cinderblock than face a dentist wearing a mask like that AND I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH NITROUS YOU GIVE ME. I'll tell you what, give me a take-home tank and you've got a deal. Okay now I -- I have two fingers.

Hit the jump for several more shots of a terrible idea.

Continue Reading " Bad Idea: Creepy Surgical Masks For Dentists "

Jul 13 2009 You're Not So Uncatchable Now, Are You?: Anatomy Of A Gingerbread Man

Jason Freeny, the man behind all the other weird anatomy studies we've featured (and possibly a med school dropout), is back at it, this time with a gingerbread man. Which reminds me: one Christmas my mom made a batch of gingerbread cookies before dinner and said I could only have one or I'd spoil my supper. Well, long story short, I ate like fifteen and got so sick I puked under the Christmas tree. I blamed it all on the dogs. You know what -- it feels good to finally tell somebody. I've been meaning to get this off my chest ever since it happened. 2008 was a bad Christmas for the Geekologie Writer.

Moist Production

Thanks to Jason, the man behind the scalpel.

Apr 20 2009 Matthew Perry Seeks Medical Attention After Injuring Hands Playing Video Games

Matthew Perry, with nothing to do since Friends went off the air like twenty years ago, has taken to playing video games. Like an addict. Seen here about to take his first hit with Snoop Dogg, Matthew has a serious gaming problem. So serious he had to seek medical attention after damaging his hands.

The actor admits he spends days on end glued to the screen playing war games on his XBox, ruining the muscles and tendons in his hand.

Perry says, "I play a lot of video games a lot of XBox 360. I played Fall Out 3 so often I had to go to a hand doctor. I used my hand too much and had to get injections in it."

Nice try, Mr. Perry, but I suspect the real culprit here is a little thing I like to call chronic masturbation. Been watching a few too many Friends reruns, have we?

Perry's videogame-mangled hand [yahoonews]

Thanks to Edd, who particularly likes the episodes where you can see Rachel's nipples through her shirt (read: all of them).

Apr 16 2009 Pure Awesome: Nitrous Oxide Game Boy

I know what you're thinking, and no, the PediSedate isn't an unmarked van and bandanna soaked in chloroform. It's a Game Boy hooked up to a nitrous oxide tank! Designed to distract kids while you gas them at the doctor's/dentist's office, it might just be the best invention ever. Of course, I always loved getting gassed. So much that the dentist actually caught me trying to wheel a nitrous tank out to my mom's car once. That was Monday. I have two fingers.

Game Boy Oddities - The PediSedate [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Raúl, who always chose the bubble-gum nose when getting gassed. Nice, I was a cherry guy.

Apr 14 2009 'God's Hand' Spotted Using Space Telescope

That's right, son, spotted for the first time since like the year -5 billion: God's hand!

The image, taken by NASA's space-based Chandra Observatory telescope, shows an X-ray nebula 150 light years across.

NASA says the display is caused by a young and powerful pulsar, known by the rather prosaic name of PSR B1509-58.The finger-like structures are apparently caused by "energizing knots of material in a neighboring gas cloud," NASA says.

DAAAAMN! But seriously, God, you might want to have that pinky looked at.

NASA photos show giant cosmic hand [cnn]

Thanks e., I would walk 150 light years, and I would walk 150 more, just to be the man who walked 300 light years to fall down at your door.

Mar 12 2009 Freaky Deaky: DIY Bedroom Toy Goes Wrong

Now I'm not saying there's not a place for reciprocating saws in the bedroom, I'm just saying if you do decide to get freaky with a power tool, TAKE THE BLADE OFF FIRST. Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (except really, really dire ones) just ram a fake wiener on the existing blade. Because then you'll end up like this poor lady.

The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

Trying something new -- I'll say! When I think 'trying something new' I think a clean sock or sitting on my hand for awhile, not power tools. Although....

MEDIC!

Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter [nbcnewyork]
via
Saber Saw Sex Toy Incident: DIY Gone Very, Very Wrong [gizmodo]

Feb 17 2009 I Can See Inside!: The Anatomy Of A Qee Doll

Okay, so I didn't know what a Qee was, but apparently they're little collectible dolls that come in all sorts of crazy funky-fresh designs. And this is what the insides would look like if there were actually living bear-mice and not plastic dolls for grownups. This anatomical chart was created by Jason Freeny, the same man responsible for the studies of balloon animal, gummi bear, and LEGO minifig. A limited edition of 1,000 prints are available if you're interested. Good looking, Jason. But not as good looking as yours truly. That mirror broke itself, I swear!

Moist Production

Feb 17 2009 I Need A Rx!: Pill May Help Erase Memories

Finally, doctors are developing a pill that can help erase bad memories. Yes! Take two and forget to call me in the morning.

The method, using existing blood pressure pills, could be useful for weakening or erasing bad memories in people with post-traumatic stress disorder, the researchers say.

Some ethicists see problems, question whether such treatments begin to alter what it means to be human.

There's apparently a natural way to rid yourself of bad memories, too. A 2007 study involving brain scans found that test subjects had the ability to suppress specific memories at a particular moment in time through repeated practice.

First of all, is ethicist a paying position? I may want to apply. Secondly, there's an even more natural way of erasing memories -- it's called binge drinking. Unfortunately, it hasn't been working for me lately. So, let's get down to the brass tacks: how many pills do I need to erase nine years?

Pill May Be Able to Erase Bad Memories [aolnews]

Thanks to Dave, who's still trying to forget about the girl he woke up next to. Dave, that's your wife, man.

Feb 11 2009 Pfft, Stitches, How About A Little PEW PEW?

In an attempt to prove that not all PEWs are bad PEWs, doctors at Tel Aviv University have developed a laser that is capable of sealing wounds safer and more efficiently than traditional stitches.

The laser allows a wound to be welded shut as opposed to sutured, which makes it far more watertight and there's less tearing. It's done by very carefully controlling the temperature of the beam, and Israeli patients treated with the laser have already enjoyed faster healing times and less scarring.

Cool, but can it still blind you if you stare at it too long? And, if not, can you make me one that can? The bully that lives across the street threw a rock at me when we got off the bus yesterday, and I want to burn his eyes out. Also, his older sister is hot. I want to see her naked. PEW PEW?

Hit the jump for a video of the PEW in action.

Continue Reading " Pfft, Stitches, How About A Little PEW PEW? "

Feb 7 2009 Doctoral Student Furious After University Throws Out His Collection Of Lizard Dung

Typically, you don't want bags of crap hanging around for too long. But not Daniel Bennett -- he loves that shit! Now he's furious that Leeds University custodians threw away part of his doctoral work -- a 77lb bag of Butaan Lizard dung it took him 7 years to collect.

"Whether it was the largest collection of lizard shit in the world is uncertain, but it certainly contained the only dietary sample from that little-known species Varanus olivaceus, and probably the most complete dietary record of any single population of animals in South East Asia. Its loss left me reeling and altered the course of my life forever."

First of all, Daniel, I don't think "shit" is the proper scientific nomenclature. And secondly, if losing a bag of crap can alter the course of your life forever, well, it's time you take a long, hard look at your life anyways. Just saying, tons of birdshit on my car.

University apologises for lizard dung clear-out [wigantoday]

Thanks to RyanThePerson, who is an actual human and not just shit stacked that high.

Jul 3 2008 Medical Manikin Is Pretty Freaking Disturbing

This is an old dude with really saggy tits and yellow wires hanging out of his arm. He comes with interchangeable two penis and vagina attachments and is used to train doctors how to play dress up with a plastic dummy. See, there's a wig and everything. Accessories include two bottles of everclear, a sports drink, and some syringes. If you want one of your own to get freaky with they're available for around $1,000. Also, if you want to play doctor I will play with you.

Medical Manikins Freak Us Out [gizmodo]

Apr 22 2008 Surgeons Implant Bionic Eyes In Blind Patients

Surgeons have successfully implanted "bionic eyes" (similar in design to this, but not this) in two blind patients, in an attempt to restore some of their vision.

The device -- the first of its kind -- incorporates a video camera and transmitter mounted on a pair of glasses. This is linked to an artificial retina, which transmits moving images along the optic nerve to the brain and enables the patient to discriminate rudimentary images of motion, light and dark.

The Argus II uses a video camera to capture images. These are converted into electrical signals, which are transmitted wirelessly to the implant behind the retina. The electrodes in the implant unscramble the signal to create a crude black-and-white picture that is relayed along the optic nerve to the brain. The brain can then perceive patterns of light and dark spots corresponding to the electrodes stimulated.

That's great news. I'm all for restoring sight to the blind, and this seems like a real promising technology. They throw in the ability to see through cereal boxes so you can spot the ones with secret decoder rings and I'll laser-pointer myself in the eye right now.

Surgeons give hope to blind with successful 'bionic eye' operations [timesonline]

Thanks to Neil, who can see through walls, for the tip

Apr 18 2008 u-BOT 5 Robot Designed To Help The Elderly

Well folks, it looks like today turned into robot day at Geekologie. You're cool with that aren't you? You do love robots, right? Because if you don't I'll tell them, and when they take over the world you'll be seriously f'd. Possibly in the a, and almost certainly with something metal. Anyway, u-BOT 5 is a robot designed by researchers at the University of Massachusetts. It may be the missing upper half of the homeless robot and was made to help old people should something happen to them. Its capabilities include "picking up small objects, dialing 911 and even using a stethoscope to check vitals." It packs a webcam, microphone, LCD touchscreen, WiFi, and could potentially be used to make virtual housecalls . As you can see from the picture, if you ever fall and can't get up there's nothing to fear when uBOT-5 is near. He'll just wheel himself over and, uh, kidney punch the shit out of you with his little ball-hands.

uBOT-5 Makes Life Alert Look like Crap [gizmodo]

Dec 20 2007 GumEase Numbs Gums For Dental Work

You toss this thing in the freezer for a half hour, jam it in your mouth, and in 2-3 minutes later you're good to go for (allegedly) pain free dental work. It works by freezing the nerves in your gums.

In patient tests the new gumEase diminished pain by 90% in 2 to 3 minutes for the average participant. Patients can apply them post-operatively as needed, and reuse without side effects by storing in a household freezer… Effective for fillings, extractions, crowns, root canals, cleaning, scraping, braces adjustment and other procedures.

Interesting, but I'll stick to the drugs. The last thing I need is for my gum-number to wear off when the dentist is drilling the hell out of a molar. Because I'd have to kill him. And I'd hate to do that, he's such a nice guy. He always gives me a sticker for being such a good patient. Although I question why he gassed me for my last routine checkup. And why I woke up with my pants unbuttoned. What the hell do I know though, I'm no dentist.

G100 GumEase - dental surgery without needles or pain? [redferret]