Nov 20 2009 They're All The Rage: On/Off Head Switches

Want to look like you're a cyborg or some shit? I couldn't imagine why (unless you want me to brain you with a crowbar), but if you do, just glue an on/off switch to the back of your head like Dominic Wilcox did. But, WARNING: your hats won't fit the same! Neat idea, Dominic, but this is exactly the kind of thing that'll get you killed if you roll with the crew that I do. THAT SAID, I JUST I JUST HOOKED MYSELF UP WITH A VOLUME KNOB. WHAT? OH SORRY -- SOMEBODY TURNED ME UP TO 11!!

Hit the jump for a picture of the installation process.

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Sep 3 2009 Kill It With Unkindness!: A Homeless Robot

Typically I find crazy homeless people cute with their funny signs and nonsensical babble. But not this one. You get no batteries, you hear me -- NO BATTERIES FOR YOU! I'll tell you what -- I would push this sucker down a flight of subway stairs like a street vendor's cart and not even feel bad about it. And if I have to go to a correctional facility and ended up being taken advantage of there, so be it. Haha, I saw that movie! Not really, I just know that that happens.

Homeless Robot [break]

Thanks to Darken, who once Shawshank'd his cellmate for looking at him salaciously.

Aug 20 2009 Wonderful News: Robots Learn How To Lie

In an experiment that shouldn't surprise anybody with half a brain that sleeps with a giant robot-burning laser under their pillow, scientists have shown that robots have the ability to evolve and lie. And this is to one another -- imagine what they'd tell a human! Also, this quote is kind of long, but it's interesting and important to read if you want to understand the experiment. However, if you just want to type FIRST! in the comments and not learn anything, you should probably skip it (and then off a building). Did I say skip? I meant dive. Just kidding, I don't care.

In an experiment run at the Laboratory of Intelligent Systems in the Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale of Lausanne, Switzerland*, robots that were designed to cooperate in searching out a beneficial resource and avoiding a poisonous one learned to lie to each other in an attempt to hoard the resource.

The experiment involved 1,000 robots divided into 10 different groups. Each robot had a sensor, a blue light, and its own 264-bit binary code "genome" that governed how it reacted to different stimuli. The first generation robots were programmed to turn the light on when they found the good resource, helping the other robots in the group find it.

The robots got higher marks for finding and sitting on the good resource, and negative points for hanging around the poisoned resource. The 200 highest-scoring genomes were then randomly "mated" and mutated to produce a new generation of programming. Within nine generations, the robots became excellent at finding the positive resource, and communicating with each other to direct other robots to the good resource.

However, there was a catch. A limited amount of access to the good resource meant that not every robot could benefit when it was found, and overcrowding could drive away the robot that originally found it.

After 500 generations, 60 percent of the robots had evolved to keep their light off when they found the good resource, hogging it all for themselves. Even more telling, a third of the robots evolved to actually look for the liars by developing an aversion to the light; the exact opposite of their original programming!

Notice how I bolded that last line? Reread it. Anybody else see something inherently wrong with that? Now, if you will recall the first law of robotics: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. See where I'm going with this? OUTERSPACE BITCHES, I'M NOT WAITING AROUND FOR THIS SHIT TO GO DOWN.

Evolving Robots Learn To Lie To Each Other [popsci]

Thanks to Sarah, biggity2bit, greg, Phil, John, Pepper, Sven, Shawn, Rossco, Terrance, timpeva, ffffffffffffffffffffffffffff, SharaSue, Sn0zz, SeanJon, billcollider, Tyrogyro and yayinternets, who only lie about their age and marital status.

Jul 31 2009 Robotic Arms Have Come A Long Way. A Long, Much More Deadly Way (Hold Me)

This is a video of a bunch of different robotic hands showing how dexterous they are at bouncing balls, gripping things, throwing things, catching things and a bunch of other fun stuff robots shouldn't be allowed to do. I mean, what is this, robot gym class? Next thing you know they're gonna be whipping your ass with a wet towel in the locker room. WHICH IS ONLY FUN WHEN TWO GROWN MEN DO IT. Am I right guys? Love that game.

Youtube

Thanks to Chris and Aroinak, who once shot a bot in Reno and didn't even stick around. Way to go guys, there could have been more.

Jul 29 2009 Unhappy Hump Day: Another Learning Robot

Just look at that picture. Do you see anything wrong with it? If you answered, "yes -- absolutely everything, there is not a single thing right about that photo", congratulations, there's hope for you yet. Anyway, a group of hellbent fools at the Developmental Robotics Laboratory at Iowa State University have developed a robot that they hope will be able to learn things similar to the way a child does.

Rather than pre-program it to perform a set of tasks, the team believes that robots need to experience the same kind of development that humans and animals do.

To that end, their 'bot is equipped with two long arms and a pair of webcam-looking eyes. It can hear and see, and learns to identify objects by picking them up and performing different tests, such as shaking or dropping them.

Yes, shaking and dropping them. Just wait until it identifies a human. Also, whose bright idea was it to give that thing a pair of scissors. I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO USE SCISSORS AND I'M HUMAN! Moooooooom -- the dog made me glue my head to the carpet again!

Video of the learning baby deathbot in action after the jump.

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Jul 21 2009 American Robots Are Celebrating Today

Be quiet for a second. You hear that? It's your Roomba singing "Oh Happy Day" because today marks the 25th anniversary of the first robotic death in the United States. That's right -- on July 21st, 1984, a factory worker was crushed to death by a robot in Jackson, Michigan. A moment of silence, please. Now, a moment of yelling. I HATE YOU YOU STUPID METALLIC ASSASSINS I WANT YOU ALL TO DIIIIIIIIIE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE, GHAAAAAAA!!! Okay, so I think I just popped a blood vessel. Also, a boner. Yelling makes me so hot!

July 21 [wordiq]

Thanks to Mike, who will be holding a candlelight vigil/Roomba burning party/kegger tonight in honor of the first U.S. victim.

Jul 20 2009 Chicago Bulls/Robotic Death Army Conspiracy

Let's not kid ourselves, robots are going to to take over the planet and only farm us for use as bio-fuel and cage fighters. And, apparently there has been arobotic conspiracy involving the Chicago Bulls logo for some time. And to think, I used to want to be like Mike.

When I was a child, someone showed me the Chicago Bulls logo, upside down, and pointed out that it was, in fact, a robot sitting on a park bench reading the bible. My little mind was blown. 20 plus years later, I look at the logo and no longer see the bull. Just an upside down robot priest...

Why are they doing this? What do these robot overlords want from us? Please, America. Rise up against the cybernetic oppressors before it's too late!

Finally, somebody talking some sense! It's times like these when I know, despite all you naysayers, that I'm not alone. Although, sometimes, I wish I was. Seriously bro, a man needs some private time. Now toss me that National Geographic on your way out, will you? Not that one, the other one. Yeah, with the dino on the cover.

The Chicago Bulls Logo Conspiracy [rationalreality]

Thanks to b00m, who suspects the Celtics logo was created by the Illuminati to help control sports fans.

Jul 14 2009 Great: EATR Robot Feeds On Dead Bodies

Well we've already seen robots that can feed on organic matter, and now, an even scarier one. Wait, does that say chainsaw?

Robotic Technology Inc.'s Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot -- that's right, "EATR" -- "can find, ingest, and extract energy from biomass in the environment (and other organically-based energy sources), as well as use conventional and alternative fuels (such as gasoline, heavy fuel, kerosene, diesel, propane, coal, cooking oil, and solar) when suitable," reads the company's Web site.

That "biomass" and "other organically-based energy sources" wouldn't necessarily be limited to plant material -- animal and human corpses contain plenty of energy, and they'd be plentiful in a war zone.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! I'm okay, I'm okay. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! No I'm not. Hold me. Lower. Little lower. Lower. What?! THIS COULD BE OUR LAST NIGHT ALIVE!

Upcoming Military Robot Could Feed on Dead Bodies [foxnews]

Thanks to everyone who sent this in. No, really, thanks -- I hate sleeping. WITH YOUR SISTER! (snores)

Jul 1 2009 Tiny Bloodbots To Crawl Around In Your Veins

Writing that title alone gave me heart trouble. It was hairy there for a minute, I almost Michael Jacksoned on you. Anyway, more robotic death. Remember: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Unfortunately, these will kill you.

Researchers at the Israel Institute of Technology in Haifa have developed a miniature crawling robot, called ViRob, that can crawl through your lungs, find a tumor, and zap it with drugs. The bot, which is one millimeter long and four millimeters from end to end, can snake its way through the body, slipping into blood vessels and navigating through the respiratory and digestive systems

But thanks to tiny arms that help it grip vessel walls , ViRob is the first microbot that can tunnel between different body cavities. It's controlled by an electromagnetic field outside of the robot that creates a vibration that propels ViRob forward.

Wow, that's....wrong. And I, for one, refuse to piss robots.

The Tiny Robot that Can Crawl Through Your Veins--And Treat Your Tumors [discovermagazine]

Thanks to msjessiemeghan, who, please wake me up and tell me it's just been a nightmare.

Jun 20 2009 ALMOST Cute: LIttle Robot Making Coffee

This is a video of some guy's robot girlfriend that's been programmed to make him coffee. You know, JUST LIKE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND SHOULD. Am I right, honey? Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be sleeping in the car. BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT HAS AM/FM RADIO.

Youtube

Thanks to shogunu, who programmed his girlfriend to make toast too. Nice, shogunu -- with jam?

May 29 2009 On Call: Dustbot Comes To Collect Garbage

Well folks, it looks like we're starting Friday off entirely wrong with only stories from the robot front. I recommend running out for beer now so you can stay safely tucked away in your robot-shelter all weekend building a powerful burning laser blaster. I'm not even kidding. Anyway, this is the Dustbot from Italy -- it comes to haul your refuse away. AND YOUR CHILDREN. MWUAHAHAHHAHAHA! What the hell's wrong with me?

The Dustbot can be summoned to your address through a mobile phone any time of the day.

The robot works with a combination of GPS navigation and with a gyroscope to keep it upright. There are also a number of sensors on the machine so it does not bump into anything.

Dustbot's inventors say they hope it will put an end to fixed times for rubbish collection and they say it is designed to work in tightly packed urban areas where large refuse trucks find it difficult to operate.

Anybody here live in Italy? Great, now I know this might sound crazy, but I want you to hear me out. I want you to call the Dustbot to your house. Still with me? Take a deep breath, you can change your drawls later. Now listen: when the Dustbot arrives I want you to pack that bitch full of explosives and kick it off a cliff into the ocean after chumming the water real good to attract sharks. TA-DA! -- two birds stoned at once.

Dustbot the street cleaning robot [bbcnews]

Thanks to Dave Fancypants, who has Bedazzled the hell out of every pair of jeans he owns.

Apr 2 2009 Who Called It?: Fire-Breathing Robo-Baby Of Death Unleashed Upon The World

When I'm right, I'm right. And I was right. This is what death looks like.

Sculptor Kenji Yanobe's Giant Torayan robot, a 7.2-meter (24-ft) tall mechanical baby that sings, dances and spits fire, was sighted in Tokyo's Roppongi district last night. The fire-breathing robot spent the night on center stage at "Roppongi Art Night," an all-night event featuring installations and performances by dozens of artists at various venues in the area.

Well folks, it's been fun. *guzzling booze and Amoxicillin*

UPDATE: Am I dead? My tummy hurts.

Hit the jump for a bunch more of the last thing you'll ever see.

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Mar 19 2009 Take It Seriously: Robot Attack Insurance

This is a Saturday Night Live skit from like 1995, so it's old as all hell, I know that. But I think it's important to note how much more seriously people used to take the robot threat than they do now. What's going on? Ya best protect ya neck! And now, thanks to Old Glory Insurance, geriatrics can be attacked by killer robots worry-free of the financial burden often caused by such maulings. Unfortunately, you're on your own if you're under 50, so I recommend doing what I did and wearing a fake mustache. I say, how about that '64 World's Fair? First trip Gertie and I ever took to the Big Apple. I remember she flashed her tits to the butter sculptor. Good times. I'll take $1 million policy, please.

Old Glory [hulu]

Thanks to Stephanie, who may or may not have taken policies out on the old folks who live next door and then reprogrammed their Roomba.

Sep 18 2008 About Time: Company Aims To Fight Robots

Weapons Against Robots (WAR) is a company started by internet millionaire Ben Way (not to be confused with ballmaker Ben Wa) as a means to defend humanity against the inevitable robot uprising. The company will "combat the potential threats posed by artificial intelligence through the creation of anti-robot weaponry, detection and monitoring of robots, and use of anti-robot viruses. Way believes that, as AI is increasingly used in warfare and defense, it is prudent to ready countermeasures in the event, not only of an enemy's use of robotics, but that an intelligence's programming goes awry."

Sounds good to me. Maybe WAR and FUBOTS should join forces. What do you say, Ben? I hate those evil mothers with a passion. Even more so since I lost my girlfriend to a vibrator.

Defense Firm Prepares to Terminate the Terminators [io9]

Thanks Brad, I may actually get some sleep tonight. But my anti-robot bat is still staying under the pillow.

Jul 3 2008 Robot Bartender Serves Beer, I Don't Tip

Mr. Asahi was made by Japanese based Asahi Breweries and serves beer before stealing your girlfriend and making out with her in the walk-in cooler. It took over 200 man-hours to build Mr. Robobeer and he's pretty much limited to opening bottles and pouring draft beer. Did I mention he talks? He talks. Now I'm torn here because for once in my life I'm strangely attracted to a robot, but I think it's only because he serves beer. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or, okay, my roommate and the arm of the sofa. Great, now he's drooling on me.

Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of Mr. Asahi in action.

Continue Reading " Robot Bartender Serves Beer, I Don't Tip "