May 14 2009 How To Quit: The Best Resignation EVER
Now you see folks, THAT is how you quit a job. Remember: the goal whenever leaving an organization is to ensure it crumbles behind you as you walk out the door. So, at that very moment, your employer realizes just how under-appreciated you were. And then is crushed under the rubble.
Hit the jump for three more resignations, which were all part of Cracked's 'I Quit' Photoshop contest.
Apr 29 2009 How To: Quit Your Gaming Development Job
Farbs, a game developer working for 2K Australia quit his job, and this is how he submitted his two six weeks -- with a custom game (A Message for 2K Australia)! And I'll tell you -- it sure takes the cake over this resignation! *brutally punching myself in the balls*
Farbs will no longer be working for 2K Australia come June 5th, having resigned his position in order to work full time creating games like the most excellent ROM CHECK FAIL.
Combining elements of Mario and a small splash of his own game, Polychromatic Funk Monkey, Farbs delivers one of the more entertaining "I Quit" notices you're ever likely to find.
Nice. Now call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to the old 'stop showing up for work' method of resignation? It's classic -- you just stop showing up for work. Everyone will start to get all worried and think you're dead. Which, I think we can all agree, I did for the lulz.
How To Quit Your Game Development Job [kotaku]
Thanks to Simon and Julian, who have both quit jobs by crashing their cars into the office lobby. Nice guys, I like your style.
Mar 14 2009 Fun With Offfice Supplies: A Wire Mario Kart
Donald Kenny gets bored at work. REALLY bored. So what does he do? Sneak out the back? Play video games? Surf Facebook incessantly like a normal person? No. He makes Mario Kart sculptures using office supplies. As you can see, this is a paper clip and wire Mario. Good looking, Donald. Now tell me -- what his mustache is made out of? And also, is he selling rides? If I steal his rims I'll have 70¢.
Hit the jump for one more shot.
Continue Reading " Fun With Offfice Supplies: A Wire Mario Kart "
Mar 6 2009 FAKE!: Magnetic Photoshop Picture Boards
From meninos, the same company that's bringing us tampon flash drives, comes some Photoshop/Illustrator picture boards. They're basically magnetic whiteboards that come with magnet sets that look like the various Photoshop/Illustrator toolboxes. The toolbox magnets for either program will set you back $25, $65 with a 20" magnetic board, and $80 with a 30" board. So buy one for your cubicle, and then start hanging all your memos/emails. That way when your boss comes by to ask why you haven't done jackshit for the day, you can tell him the most recent memo was clearly a fake, and has been Photoshopped -- you could tell because the shadows were all wrong. You will then be applauded for your detective skills and promoted. Or fired. Hopefully fired.
Hit the jump to see closeups of the two magnet sets.
Continue Reading " FAKE!: Magnetic Photoshop Picture Boards "
Jan 30 2009 CubeCheater iPhone App Solves Rubik's
Been working on solving a Rubik's Cube for the last 26 years? Congratulations, you wasted your life. Keep at it, champ! Alternatively, get CubeCheater for your iPhone, take pictures of all the cube's sides, and PRESTO -- you've effectively defeated the purpose of playing with a Rubik's.
Youtube
Thanks to rox, who can solve any Rubik's in a single move of the hammer.
Also, Happy Birthday Allison! Without your scathing wit and harsh criticism my life would be much better.
Jan 22 2009 Forget Rubik's, I Want A Yoshimoto Cube
A Yoshimoto Cube is actually two separate cubes nested together. The technical terminology for the change is "the transformation of two stellated rhombic dodecahedrons from a cube". Honestly, I just like listening to this guy's voice. It's soothing, like a homicidal maniac's.
Youtube
Thanks to OJ's Mom, who once transformed a stellated cylinder in his pants into a dodickahardon IN YO FACE!
Jan 14 2009 26 Years Later, Man Solves Rubik's Cube
It took Graham Parker 26 years to finally solve the Rubik's Cube he bought back in 1983. If you can't tell by the picture, he's really proud of himself. Kind of reminds me of the first time I ate a 72-oz steak and got my picture on the wall.
'I cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally solve it,' the 45-year-old from Portchester, Hampshire, said. 'It has driven me mad over the years - it felt like it had taken over my life.
'I have missed important events to stay in and solve it and I would lie awake at night thinking about it.'I have had wrist and back problems from spending hours on it but it was all worth it. When I clicked that last bit into place and each face was a solid colour, I wept.'
Wow, Graham, so you're a little crybaby, huh? Now I'm not saying there's ever a time when a person should just accept their own mental inadequacies and bail on a project, but damnit Graham, that time was 25½ years ago.
Man takes 26 years to solve Rubik's Cube [metro]
Thanks to Praveen, who can solve a Rubik's in under a minute using either the "hammer" or "new stickers" methods.
Dec 4 2008 Annoy Coworkers With The Annoyatron 2.0
The Annoyatron 2.0 is a little gadget that makes annoying noises at random so you can drive a very special coworker to the point of stabbing you and/or stealing your lunch from the communal fridge. The sounds are as follows:
-15kHz (Mosquito tone) (full volume)
-Cricket chirping (medium/low volume)
-IM Doorbell (low volume)
-Grating Electronic noise (full volume)
-Typical Electronic Beep (medium volume)
Just hide the little board in somebody's office, don your stab-proof jacket, and wait for the insanity to set in! Don't have a stab-proof jacket? Well you're in luck -- I happen to be selling them! They may just look like garbage bags, but you have The Geekologie Writer's personal guarantee they are real garbage bags.
Annoy-a-tron 2.0 Lets You to Slowly Drive Your Co-Workers Insane Just for Fun [gizmodo]
Thanks to 42 y/o undead warlock, who doesn't need an Annoyatron, because he's got warlock powers and shit.
Oct 28 2008 Tuttuki Bako (aka The Fingerbang Game)
Tuttuki Bako is a new video game where a player interacts with the device by sticking their finger in a hole. Your finger then appears on the LCD screen, and you can make contact with the characters in the game. If you can even call this a game -- all I saw was some chick fingerbanging a plastic box. Which was totally awesome in its own right. And its own wrong. Mostly wrong. Still, I think we can all agree that by the time you read this you've already considered sticking your penis in it.
Hit the jump for two more game videos.
Aug 20 2008 Solar Panel Tie Can Charge Your Gadgets
This solar panel tie collects light and, through a process that even Scientologists don't understand, converts it to usable energy. The tie has a little pocket on the back that stores the gadget you're charging, and is completely impractical. I'm all for green shit (figuratively), but I just don't see these catching on. The majority of guys that have to wear ties (like me) work in fluorescent cubicle farms where this thing would get little to no charge. I mean, I can't even see a freaking window from here. We used to have one, but management boarded it up when they found out we liked looking out of it. What somebody needs to do is invent solar powered hard hats or something a landscaper would wear, like, I dunno, a suntan. Oh my God, I'm brilliant.
Hello, patent office? Are you sitting down? Good, now put this in your pipe and smoke it -- solar-powered suntans! I drew a picture and everything. Well, it's on a bar napkin, so I'll just tell you -- it's a really tan guy on a lawnmower charging a boombox. It's great, he's got a cord coming out of his belly button and everything. Hello? HELLO?
Solar Powered Tie Seems Great, Probably Won't See Much Light [ohgizmo]
Jul 28 2008 RaceChairs: Sports Car Seats For The Cubicle
When I was shopping for just the right ass-receptacle for my cubicle, I considered the ejector seat chair, Hula chair, and tank chair. Unfortunately, I didn't know about these fast little numbers at the time. RaceChairs are actual seats from sports cars that have been converted into office chairs. Based on the picture, they may or may not be manufactured in somebody's guest bedroom. Depending on the model, they vary in price from a paltry $2,000 to over $10,000. Holy crap. That one there is from a Ferrari 360 and costs $3,000, but I just used the company card to get the $11,000 Lamborghini LP640 Murcielago. Yeah baby, the Geekologie Grand Prix is mine this year. I'd have won last year too, but a certain cheating taint threw down an oil slick (water cooler) that sent me careening into the infield (women's restroom), where I saw my life pass before my eyes before being carried off the track by adoring fans (I snuck a peek under a stall door and was escorted out by security).
Hit the jump for a couple more chairs.
Continue Reading " RaceChairs: Sports Car Seats For The Cubicle "
Jul 28 2008 LEGO Mindstorms Set Solves Rubik's Cube
Tilted Twister is a robot built from a Lego Mindstorms NXT set that can solve a Rubik's cube.
Tilted Twister solves Rubik's cube fully automatically. Just place the scrambled cube on Tilted Twister's turntable. An ultrasonic sensor detects its presence and starts to read the colors of the cube faces using a light sensor. The robot turns and tilts the cube in order to read all the faces of the cube. It then calculates a solution and executes the moves by turning, tilting and twisting the cube.
Performance* Scanning the cube: 1 minute
* Calculating a solution: 20 - 40 seconds
* Executing the moves: 1 - 5 minutes. Average 4.5 minutes (60 faceturns)
* Average total time: 6 minutes
Not bad. Granted it's not as impressive as the time I solved this cube in under an hour using only my red-hot poker, but it's not bad for a LEGO robot. That reminds me, have I ever told you about the Rubik's Cube show I saw in Tijuana? Scarring.
Hit the jump to see a video of the little guy in action.
Continue Reading " LEGO Mindstorms Set Solves Rubik's Cube "
Jun 30 2008 Guitar Hero Figures From McFarlane Toys
Thats right folks, McFarlane Toys has partnered with Activision to make a line of Guitar Hero themed action figures. They'll be hitting stores in November (in time for Christmas/robot apocalypse) and will each feature 15-18 moving parts, stand abound 6" tall, and run $10-$15. The figures available will include Johnny Napalm, Lars Ümlaut, the Geekologie Writer, Axel Steel, the God of Rock, and the Devil of Country. Seriously though, I should have a damn action figure. With accessories. Like a blue-screening computer and broken cellphone. Nagging girlfriend and cubicle playset sold separately.
Hit the jump for a look at two of the other figures.
Continue Reading " Guitar Hero Figures From McFarlane Toys "
Jun 25 2008 Sky Ceilings: Like Sky Lights, But Depressing
Sky Ceilings are probably an old as hell idea. So old. Your mommy probably read you a news story about them when you were a child. Yet, here they are -- weird. Sky Ceilings were designed to mimic daylight and change with the time of day from sun up to sun down. They're for people like me that work in Cubeville and don't see the light of day unless they sneak up to the roof and contemplate jumping. Which I do frequently. The sidewalk just looks so appetizing from up here. Oh -- here comes The Superficial Writer, late as always and trying to sneak in the side door. *hooccckkkkkkkk*
Sky Ceilings make you feel like you're outside even when you're not [dvice]
Jun 20 2008 Video: Epic NERF Battle In Cubeville
I said give me a damn minute, I'm trying to post here.
This is a video made by what is probably the least productive company on the planet. It's a 5:00 epic NERF battle complete with horrible over-acting and, sadly, no nudity. Contrary to popular belief, it is not a scene from the offices here at Anticlown. We don't do NERF guns -- we use real thing. But The Superficial Writer still makes little pew pew noises when he fires and, more often than not, shoots himself.
Okay, now we can go to the hospital. But we're taking your car or the bus -- that's a lot of blood and I just got my shit detailed.
The Great Office War [ohgizmo]
Jun 16 2008 World's Most Luxurious Cubicle Looks Like Absolute Crap, Cube Designer Clearly Lacks Theology And Geometry, Good Taste, Hair
I can say whatever I want about the hairless because I'm balder than the U.S. national bird (hint: despite Franklin's penchant for 101 proof bourbon, it's not the turkey). This is allegedly the world's most luxurious office cubicle, designed and built for himself by Jared Nielsen. That's him in the picture. As you can see he's big pimping. If big pimping means you're a monster dork with a competitive shit-eating grin on your face. Did I mention his desk clashes with the stain of the walls and floor? Because it does. I swear, no taste. Screw cubicles anyways, I disassembled mine and built a blanket fortress in its place. I call it Castle Geekskull, and it's impenetrable. BRING IT SUPERFICIAL WRITER! *firing staples* PEW PEW PEW! Holy shit, where'd you get the trebuchet?
Jun 11 2008 Office Rampage Video That Was So Awesome Is Indeed Fake, Viral Marketing For Wanted
Remember the bad-to-the-ass office rampage video from last week? Turns out it's fake after all. And if that wasn't bad enough, it was a viral marketing video made by Russian director Timur Bekmambetov to hype his new movie, Wanted, starring Angelina Jolie and James MacAvoy. Good job Timur, you totally had me fooled. And for successfully pulling off the hoax I will now reward you by boycotting Wanted. And not just because I hate being tricked, but because you're an asshole and the movie will probably suck anyways. So Timur, you better pray The Iwatchstuff Writer says that shit is solid freaking gold, otherwise I'm picketing the hell out of the local theater.
Cubicle Farm Rampage Video Was Just A Viral Marketing Stunt [gizmodo]
Jun 4 2008 UPDATE: This Is What Happens...
When you send an anonymous email to The Superficial Writer with a subject line promising nude photos of Hayden Panettiere when it's actually packed with snapshots of your nuts.
UPDATE: Another video of the second half of the action from a worker's cellphone camera added after the jump (thanks Sunyeti and Rachel).
May 7 2008 Portal Inspired Beer Stein Is Making Me Thirsty
This is a Portal inspired beer stein. It costs $15 and was created by a guy named Marc who really liked the game and even sleeps with a companion cube at night and everything. As you can see in the picture, beer is being poured from a tap, entering a blue portal, and then exiting the red portal and filling up a stein. Nothing fancy, just nice and simple. Now before you go off on a tangent about how your penis could make something better, it hasn't, so, yeah. But if it ever does, send it to me and I'll post it. Anyway, I bought one of these to replace my Garfield "I'm not a morning person" coffee mug at work. Except I'm not gonna drink coffee out of it -- I'm gonna drink beer! Sometimes liquor. And if a coworker questions why I smell like the juice I'm gonna stick my foot up the portal to their large intestines*.
*Their b-hole.
Apr 8 2008 Nap At Work With The Nappak Sleeping Cube
If there's one thing I hate about going to work, it's the lack of comfortable places to sleep during my afternoon siesta. Enter the Nappak Sleeping Cube. It's an inflatable cubby where you can stretch out and doze to your heart's content. Not exactly a cube, but that's okay. While it certainly is better than napping face down on your keyboard, I have a few other suggestions for great places to sleep at work (based on several years experience).
The trunk of your car
Benefits: Cozy, dark, can add pillows and blankets.
Drawbacks: Getting locked inside. Being rear ended mid-nap.
Bathroom stall
Benefits: Easily accessible, private, can urinate as you nap.
Drawbacks: Gas, bathroom noises, legs falling asleep.
Your boss's desk, with his secretary.
Benefits: Lockable door, someone to spoon, potential to get some (or at least cop a feel).
Drawbacks: Possible sexual harassment case and/or disease. Boss kicking in the door, yelling at you. Termination.
A couple more pictures after the jump.
Continue Reading " Nap At Work With The Nappak Sleeping Cube "
