Oct 10 2009 They're Good For Something: Dead Fly Art

Dead fly art: it just makes sense. Now I don't really want to go into the kind of person it takes to collect dead flies and glue them to a piece of paper to make "art", but suffice it to say they're our kinda person. Plus, I really dig the final results. Well, except for the moth in the last piece -- didn't see that one coming!

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " They're Good For Something: Dead Fly Art "

Sep 22 2009 Mad Scientist: We'll All Be Immortal Cyborgs In 20 Years. GW: In 19 Years I'm Offing Myself

Some crazy-ass jive talking nutjob (61-year old scientist, Ray Kurzweil) is convinced we'll have the technological capabilities and biological know-how to all be loveless immortal cyborgs within 20 years time. Uh-oh.

He says theoretically, at the rate our understanding is increasing, nanotechnologies capable of replacing many of our vital organs could be available in 20 years time.

Mr Kurzweil calls his theory the Law of Accelerating Returns. Writing in The Sun, Mr Kurzweil said: "I and many other scientists now believe that in around 20 years we will have the means to reprogramme our bodies' stone-age software so we can halt, then reverse, ageing. Then nanotechnology will let us live for ever.

"If we want to go into virtual-reality mode, nanobots will shut down brain signals and take us wherever we want to go. Virtual sex will become commonplace. And in our daily lives, hologram like figures will pop in our brain to explain what is happening.

First of all, The Sun is not an accredited scientific journal. And secondly, I prefer real sex to virtual reality any day. Trust me, it's not all that (I once tried making out with the television but she only shocked my tongue).

Immortality only 20 years away says scientist [telegraph]

Thanks to greenman and mystrb, who are already gonna live forever through their written words (in bathroom stalls).

Sep 4 2009 Balls Of Steel: F-18 Hornet Buzzes Man's Head

This is a video of an F-18 Hornet buzzing some guy's head so close you can taste the jet fuel. Now I'm not saying this thing would kill you if it hit you, but it would certainly mess your hair up. Also, not to brag or nothin', but one time I let a jet land ON MY FACE. Now who's the man?!

F-18 Hornet Ultra Low High Speed Fly By [todaysbigthing]

Thanks to Matt, who once flew a prop-plane through a barn and accidentally hit a chicken.

Aug 30 2009 Crazy Fool Is "Friends" With A Pack Of Lions

This crazy damn fool, Kevin Richardson, runs a wildlife refuge in South Africa and has become a member of a pack of lions. It is probably the awesomest and stupidest thing I've ever seen (and I once saw a friend jump off the top of his parents' townhouse with a trashbag parachute). Just sayin', you remember how Grizzly Man ended, don't you? SPOILER ALERT: As a giant Timmy Treadwell-shaped grizzly turd. But who am I to judge? I'm just a regular guy who bangs dinos. RAWR! YES....YES....EAT ME NOOOOOOOW!

Youtube

Thanks to Asbo, who was once accepted into a pod of whales but was later rejected when he tried to suckle one's teat.

Feb 6 2009 True Love: Guy Wakes Up After One Night Stand, Woman Carved Her Name Into His Arm

Oh wow, I thought this sort of thing only happened in romance novels. Apparently Wayne Robinson, went over to Dominque Fisher's house for a little sex after a night of drinking and Valium, and woke up the next morning with her name carved into his arm and a bunch of other cuts. Valium: sleep through anything.

When I woke I was covered in blood. Dominique was snoring. I just had to get out of there. I didn't even wake her to ask what she'd done.'

'I'm scarred for life,' he told The Sun. 'I wish I'd never met her.'

He said: 'I went to her place for sex, not to be tattoed. I can't believe she did this to me and I hate her.

Haha, that's what you get, Wayne. Getting cut is the non-collegiate equivalent of waking up with a giant Sharpie penis on your cheek. That said, don't lie -- you'd hit it again.

Hit the jump for a picture of the couple (both very good looking) and another of the rest of the damage.

Continue Reading " True Love: Guy Wakes Up After One Night Stand, Woman Carved Her Name Into His Arm "

Jan 29 2009 Guy Selling Himself As Slave On eBay

I'm pretty sure by definition you can't sell yourself as a slave for a month, because that kind of negates the whole slavery thing. This guy is basically a really douche-y manservant. I mean, he's no Alfred.

What we have for auction today is a slave, a very fit male slave. He is twenty-four years of age, measure five foot ten inches, and weighs eleven stone. This slave is college educated, hard working, and ready to tackle any task you may have for him.

The terms of the auction are as follows.

The winning bidder will receive the slave seen in the picture for a period no less than 28 days, but for no more than a period of 31 days.

The winning bidder must be able to provide shelter for the slave in the form of a spare bedroom, a couch, a tent, a hammock, or a tree-house.

The slave is not a sexual slave, and will not under any circumstances partake in any form of sexual activities with his master. This auction is not sexual in anyway shape or form. DO YOU HEAR ME EBAY, THIS IS NOT SEXUAL! OK THANKS!

The slave will not follow any instruction that will most likely result in his death or serious disfigurement.

I dunno, I thought about buying him to walk up and down the highway in the snow with a sandwich board advertising Geekologie, but then I realized I'd probably be too tempted to run him over myself. And what does 'serious disfigurement' mean? Does cutting off a finger count? Because I only consider that minor disfigurement. Quick, to Wendy's!

Hit the jump for two more pictures of the questionable slave.

Continue Reading " Guy Selling Himself As Slave On eBay "

Jan 2 2009 D+Caf Strips Detect Amount Of Caffeine In Your Coffee, Ur+In Strips Coming Soon

Some people drink decaf coffee. These people, given normal coffee, will go apeshit, bouncing off the walls and breaking things. Given espresso, they will spontaneously human combust and create a black (coffee) hole that will smell like fresh roasted beans and suck many an oblivious barista into its odoriferous depths. That's why it's important they never drink regular coffee or a Red Bull. To keep the rest of the world safe from these people, somebody developed D+Caf strips.

D+caf test strips are simply little strips of paper coated with antibodies that tell if you a beverage is properly decaffeinated, turning up blue lines if it's got more than 20mg of caffeine per 6oz serving. Even modern decaffeination procedures can't remove every single trace of caffeine, but between 20 and 30 percent of coffee and tea drinks "contain unacceptably high levels of caffeine" according to the strip's maker, Silver Lakes Research.

A box of 20 strips costs $10 and I really wish they were Roof+e strips instead because the Superficial Writer keeps eyeing me salaciously and encouraging me to chug my Appletini.

D+Caf Detects If You're Drinking Real Coffee Instead of Decaf [gizmodo]

Dec 4 2008 Annoy Coworkers With The Annoyatron 2.0

The Annoyatron 2.0 is a little gadget that makes annoying noises at random so you can drive a very special coworker to the point of stabbing you and/or stealing your lunch from the communal fridge. The sounds are as follows:

-15kHz (Mosquito tone) (full volume)
-Cricket chirping (medium/low volume)
-IM Doorbell (low volume)
-Grating Electronic noise (full volume)
-Typical Electronic Beep (medium volume)

Just hide the little board in somebody's office, don your stab-proof jacket, and wait for the insanity to set in! Don't have a stab-proof jacket? Well you're in luck -- I happen to be selling them! They may just look like garbage bags, but you have The Geekologie Writer's personal guarantee they are real garbage bags.

Annoy-a-tron 2.0 Lets You to Slowly Drive Your Co-Workers Insane Just for Fun [gizmodo]

Thanks to 42 y/o undead warlock, who doesn't need an Annoyatron, because he's got warlock powers and shit.

Dec 1 2008 Man Teaches Robot To Play Pong, Robot Taunts Man, Man Foolishly Doesn't Kill Robot

Some fool went and taught a robot how to play Pong. Next thing you know, the crazy bastard will teach the archangel of the apocalypse how to play Donkey Kong, and from there, well, I think you can imagine what happens next. Hint: we all die. I must admit though, I did almost chuckle before pissing my pants when the robot taunted the guy. He says, "No, no, no, and no. You are a loser." Man, if I had a quarter for every time a girl's told me that, well, I could play pinball for decades.

Youtube

Thanks to Marc and Pedro, who could both school that robot at Pong then kick its head off and say something insulting about its mother (who I heard had sex with a Speak & Spell -- BURN!)

Nov 14 2008 FAKE!: Guy Loses His Cool In Hotel

There are few joys in life like laughing at some poor bastard's misfortune. Which is why I loved this video so much. Unfortunately, it's fake and actually an ad for Cisco's Integrated Communications or some such poppycock. I know, major letdown. It's still worth a viewing though. I mean, it's Friday and you've already started drinking. You have already started drinking, right? Come on, have a couple cocktails with me. They'll make lunch taste that much better!

Youtube

Thanks to Mike, who once blew up in line at Target. Nobody survived.

Oct 28 2008 OLD!: UFO Guy Probably Tripping Constantly

You've probably seen this video before, but I hadn't. Does that make you better than me? Oh fo sho. Anyway, it's some guy that has sneaking acid onto planes down pat, rambling about a UFO siting in Chicago last winter. He reminds me of the rainbow lady, if the rainbow lady was a dude telling me my face was melting off.

Thanks to Miriam, who loves antiques as much as I do.

Oct 23 2008 Man Divorces Woman's Avatar In Online World, Woman 'Kills' Man's Character

Jesus, women. Am I right? Am I left? I am left. Some guy divorced his online wife's avatar in "Maple Story", a Korean virtual world similar (but not really) to "Second Life", and she, in her resulting anger, killed his character.

A 43-year-old Japanese piano teacher's sudden divorce from her online husband in a virtual game world made her so angry that she logged on and killed his digital persona, police said Thursday.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.

Guy was so broken up about his dead character he called the police and had the woman arrested.

She was charged with illegal access onto a computer and manipulating electronic data, police said. If convicted, she could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

This just goes to show you: people are crazy. Especially women. Can I get an amen? "AMEN!" Thank you, bitter divorcee. Say, this reminds me of a funny ex-wife story -- she's a freaking bitch!

Angry online divorcee 'kills' virtual ex-hubby [msnbc]

Thanks to Heather and Anthony, who do all of their living in the real world.

Sep 22 2008 Crazy Rainbow In The Sprinkler Conpiracy

This is a video of a woman who ate a bunch of lead-based paint chips filming a rainbow that appeared in her sprinkler. She's convinced it's a government conspiracy and they're pumping something into our water/oxygen supply to run tests on us. Needless to say, I think she's on to something.

Youtube

Thanks to chaosthirteen and Stevie, who both agree with me when I say where's my tinfoil helmet?

Sep 16 2008 Naked Man Walks Dog, Gets Tasered

A 40-year old virgin in Tallahassee, Florida was tasered and arrested last Friday night for walking his dog in the nude (him, the dog had a collar on). Apparently the man become belligerent and refused to obey a cops orders, which led to the zap zap action. And here comes the kicker:

When asked what he was doing, the man told the officer, "Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog," (Officer) McCranie said.

Holy shit, I need his dealer's number.

Naked man walking dog Tasered by Tallahassee police [tallahassee]

Thanks to Ryan, who at least has the decency to throw on a hat before going out.

Jul 11 2008 OMG, OMG, WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

This is a video of a guy lying down on a motorcycle and text messaging, all while cruising down the highway in New Delhi, India. No way? Yes way! And also, holy shit!

Have a great weekend everybody.

Youtube

Thanks to Lockjaw and Julian for showing me the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Jun 4 2008 UPDATE: This Is What Happens...

When you send an anonymous email to The Superficial Writer with a subject line promising nude photos of Hayden Panettiere when it's actually packed with snapshots of your nuts.

UPDATE: Another video of the second half of the action from a worker's cellphone camera added after the jump (thanks Sunyeti and Rachel).

Continue Reading " UPDATE: This Is What Happens... "

May 29 2008 People Claming Wi-Fi Allergies in New Mexico

A group of wackjobs in New Mexico are claiming they have allergic reactions to Wi-Fi signals.

"I get chest pain and it doesn't go away right away," alleged Wi-Fi allergy sufferer Arthur Firstenberg told KOB-TV.

The Santa Fe city attorney is checking to see if the Wi-Fi signals could be considered a form of discrimination, KOB reports.

Freaking wow. Before you waste any more time Mr. or Mrs. Santa Fe city attorney, let me tell you -- Wi-Fi signals aren't a form of discrimination. And neither is me kicking Arthur Firstenberg in the nuts and telling him to stop drinking the Fire hot-sauce packets from Taco Bell.

New Mexico Wi-Fi 'Allergy' Sufferers Want Wireless Ban [foxnews]

Thanks Neal, are you any closer to New Mexico than I am? I mean I'll still go out there if I have to, I was just hoping you could save me a trip.

Apr 18 2008 Jet Car Driver: Must Be Handsome, Charming

Ed Shadle and Keith Zanghi are two nutjobs that want to break the 800 mph land speed record in the US. To achieve such a breakneck speed they've built the North American Eagle -- a jet car powered by a 1957 Lockheed F-104 Starfighter's 42,500 horsepower engine. The damn thing eats 160 gallons of fuel a minute and costs $16,000 in gas every run. Now I can think of better ways to spend my money, but whatever, I have no record-breaking dreams.

Now the couple is having trouble finding sponsors because no one is interested in two old codgers that built a rocket car, they want a handsome, charismatic daredevil. So now the team is looking for one. You must be between the ages of 20-40, and photogenic. Death wish preferred, but not required. If you want to give it a go send a 400-word email to landspeedracing@gmail.com explaining why you're the man for the job, and attach a photo. Now here's a great idea -- how about getting a woman to drive it? That'll certainly garner some publicity. Think about what Danica Patrick did for racing. I can honestly say I had never masturbated to an IndyCar event before she started. Now I'll even do it to a Nascar Truck Series race. What was my point here? Oh right, a woman. I love women.

Just to give you an idea of how touch with reality these two guys are, Shadle told the Times Online, "It's a lot of fun to drive, but if my age is stopping us getting sponsors, we have to remove that barrier. We'll put some hotshot in the driving seat who looks like Robert Redford and see how that works." Wow, Shadle, wow. The last time I checked (which was 30 seconds ago), Robert Redford was 71 and had a grandfatherly look about him. Not sure that's the look sponsors were going for. Unless, of course, you were referring to Redford in 1969's Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In which case I loved his mustache in that movie. Wish I could grow one like that, I'd sell rides.

Driver wanted for jet car: must be young, fearless, good looking [dvice]

Feb 13 2008 Illegal: Guy Convinces Girl He's A Freaking Vampire/Werewolf Hybrid So He Can Do It

A 19 year old boy by the name of Kristian Allen Carl is convinced he's a vampire/werewolf hybrid. He also convinced a 15 year old girl that he met one night that he was, and they did it. After being arrested for sexual assault Kristian showed his canine teeth to police officers to prove he was said beast, but they didn't go for it. To make matters worse the nutcase told police that he has a guardian dragon that protects him from evildoers.

Whoa there Kristian, you've gone too far. A vampire/werewolf combination I could believe, but one with a guardian dragon? Get real. You know this really makes me question the validity of your hybrid claim. I'm starting to think you're just a guy that's seriously f***ed in the head. But to be safe we'll be packing both silver bullets and stakes when the hunting club comes to pay you a visit this weekend. Several of the guys are really excited about the prospect of bagging a vampire/werewolf hybrid. Me? I've starting to hope that dragon is real after all.

Unearthly assault alleged [morningcall]
via
albotas

thanks to Brytne, who knows no news is good news, for the tip