Nov 17 2009 Some Superhero You Are!: Spiderman Busted

Well folks, this just goes to show you can only dangle from rooftops staring into women's bedroom windows for so long before the boys in blue take notice. For shame, Spidey, for shame. And, on a completely and totally unrelated note that has absolutely nothing to do with this story: I have a used repelling harness for sale.

Spiderman getting arrested [jonahray]

Sep 21 2009 Taser Backfire: Man Gets Zapped By Police, Uses His New Found Powers To Run Away

This is a video of some crazy bastard talking nonsense to the police and eventually getting tasered. But, unlike most poor suckers who get zapped, this character uses his new electric power to yell a magical chant, get up, and run for freedom. It works too! Feel free to skip to 2:45 if you just want to see the getaway, but I watched the whole thing because people who ramble nonsense make me feel better about myself. Like anonymously flaming you guys in the comments, but not AS good.

Youtube

Thanks to Jay and Quark, who have both been tased while reciting the alphabet backwards as part of field sobriety tests AND PASSED. Hardcore!

Sep 9 2009 Sticking It To The Man: Guy Dons Monkey Mask To Avoid Paying Speeding Fines

Guys, I know I said I'd have the haiku graded by last night, but I still have 200 to go. Then, I have to choose 4 out of the top 100 I've pulled aside. I WILL DO IT TONIGHT, I PRETTY PRETTY PROMISE. That said, some jackass is speeding around Phoenix, AZ wearing a monkey mask to avoid paying speeding-camera fines. To date, he's already been sent 37 tickets.

"Not one of them there is a picture where you can identify the driver," said Dave Vontesmar, a flight attendant who works at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. "The ball's in their court. I sent back all these ones I got with a copy of my driver's license and said, 'It's not me. I'm not paying them.' "

"We watched him four different times put the monkey mask on and put the giraffe-style mask on," Officer Dave Porter told AZcentral.com. "Based on surveillance, we were positive that Vontesmar was the driver."

"It's obviously a revenue grab," he said of the new photo-enforcement program. "They're required by law to ID the driver of the vehicle. If they can't identify the driver or the vehicle by the picture, what are they doing to identify the driver?"

Really -- monkey and giraffe masks? Save 'em for the bedroom, Dave.

Man Dons Mask for Speed-Camera Photos [aolnews]

Thanks to Pat, who only drives in style -- on the sidewalk with a grocery bag on his head.

Sep 8 2009 Woops: Cops Called For Halo Sniper Rifle

Apparently the cops were called to Bungie Studios (the makers of Halo) after a pedestrian spotted a person carrying what they believed to be an AK-47. Way to know your guns, moron.

A report of a person with an assault weapon walking near Bungie Studios sent a team of police swarming to the Kirkland, Washington studio yesterday afternoon.

Kirkland police, contacted today for more details, said a passerby on their way to the local farmer's market called 911 saying that they thought they saw someone walking down the street with an AK-47 about 4:20 p.m.

The person who had thought they'd seen a gunman in the neighborhood had actually seen a Bungie employee carrying a replica Halo rifle back to the studio's offices, Bungie community director Brian Jarrard told me. Recognizing there was no longer an emergency, officers advised Bungie officials to transport the gun more discretely in the future.

That's great. Although, to the police tipster's credit, I would have totally called the po-po too if I saw somebody like that guy in the picture toting a rifle. And by 'called the po-po' I mean WHIPPED HIS MONKEY ASS. Just saying, I don't practice take-downs on my little sister for nothing. Isn't that right, Jessica? Oh shit -- oh shit -- CHOKE-SLAM!

Police Swarm To Bungie On Weapons Call During Kotaku Visit [kotaku]

Thanks to Richard Belding, who once caught Screech and AC Slater experimenting with each other in the locker room.

Aug 4 2009 Cops May Get Portable Drug Detectors Soon

So apparently law enforcement agencies may have access to roadside drug detectors soon, to determine if you've been been drugging and driving EVEN IF YOU HID YOUR STASH SOMEWHERE REALLY GOOD (read: not your butt, they always look there).

Spit into this little plastic test tube, and you're busted -- any cocaine, heroin, cannabis, amphetamines, and methamphetamine you might be partying with is no longer a secret.

Phillips, a company that makes TVs and all kinds of other techno-stuff, created this sophisticated dope-a-lysing device using nanotechnology, with a clever use of electromagnets and nanoparticles that can separate the sober from the impaired. After 90 seconds, the verdict shows up on a color-coded readout.

Damnit Phillips, you just made it a whole lot harder to talk my way out of a ticket. You know what i told the cop the last time I got pulled over? Me neither, I was high. ON YOUR NATURAL MUSK. Now get over here and let me whiff those pits.

Roadside dope tester on the way [dvice]

Jun 17 2009 Zappity Zap!: Police Will Tase Your Grandma

Just in case you were wondering, the police will tase your 72-year old grandma. You hear that, members of the geriatric species? YOU ARE NOT EXEMPT FROM THE ZAPPERY! Also, does the officer really yell "TASERED!" as he's doing it? Because that's awesome. I'm gonna start doing that.

POSTED! LEAVE A COMMENT -- LEAVE A COMMENT!!

Youtube

Thanks to Watch-303, alex, double dragon, The Naked Wizard and Beth, who would have torn the electrodes out and flown off on their jetpacks like superheroes.

Jun 12 2009 Gang Uses Stolen Credit Cards To Buy Own Music On Amazon/iTunes, Collect Royalties

That's right, some gang of criminal masterminds operating out of Britain uploaded songs to iTunes and Amazon and then, using 1,500 stolen credit cards, bought $750,000 worth of their own songs, netting them nearly $300,000 in royalties.

Six men and three women were arrested yesterday by 60 officers at addresses in London, Birmingham, Wolverhampton and Kent. A man in his forties, was arrested later.

They are all being held in custody on suspicion of conspiracy to commit fraud and money laundering.

A police source said: "We will not know why they did what they did until we have conducted all the interviews."

Yeah, gee, I WONDER WHY THEY DID IT. Probably the same reason anyone partakes in criminal activity -- to pretend you're a rockstar.

Criminal gang bought own music on iTunes and Amazon using stolen cards [timesonline]

Thanks to ff, who tried to sell a music video on iTunes that was secretly just a video of him fapping.

Apr 28 2009 Awesome Commercial For Philips 21:9 TV

This is short film entitled 'Carousel' (which has a very Dark Knight feel) meant to highlight Philips' new CINEMA 21:9 aspect-ratio television. I embedded it in high quality too, because it's awesome and I love you and don't just want to get in your pants (ignore that hand).

On its own, it clocks in at a (totally coincidental) two minutes and 19 seconds, but Berg conceived it to work as an endless loop. Visitors to the microsite therefore have the option to spin through the films single take shot repeatedly, to stop on a specific frame, or to watch it at the preordained speed. The film also contains embedded hotspots, which, when triggered, transport the viewer seamlessly from the heavily posted film to a behind-the-scenes version of the same shot. This constant moving between two layers of reality proved one of the projects biggest and most ambitious production challenges. Other details of the online execution play off the cinematic theme; the microsites loader doubles as a credit sequence, while rich media takeover banners drive traffic to the site by teasing viewers with an original Carousel trailer. All aspects of the production, from the film shoot to web design and development, were conducted by Stink Digital.

If you want to see the video in higher definition, go to the Philips site. If you don't, then you get your fix here. Personally, I thought it was awesome. Like watching two animals having sex in a nature documentary, except about as far from that as possible.

Philips Cinema
and
Youtube

Thanks to Matt, who once cried riding a carousel as a kid because he couldn't catch up with the horse in front of him.

Feb 5 2009 Idiot Tries To Strangle Girlfriend With Wiimote

In the latest of video game-themed attacks, a guy tried to strangle his girlfriend with the cord of a Wiimote. And I'll tell you -- he even LOOKS like the kind of guy that'd try to strangle someone with a video game controller. What a quarter-pound of fail.

An Austin man has been accused of trying to choke his girlfriend with the cord of a Wii video game controller after she became angry that he had eaten all of her Girl Scout cookies, according to an arrest affidavit.

The two struggled until they ended up in the living room, where Alvarez grabbed a Wii controller, according to the affidavit. Alvarado was able to free herself and call 911. Alvarez fled the home but was arrested soon after.

First of all, you don't ever try to strangle a woman, that's pathetic. And secondly, if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you never, ever, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, come between a woman and her Girl Scout Cookies. You're lucky to be alive, Alvarez, now kill yourself.

Man accused of choking girlfriend with Wii controller [statesman]

Thanks to Jordan, who once tried to choke his roommate with a PS3 controller. The plan was doomed from the start.

Feb 3 2009 Japanese Police Use Wii Miis For Suspect ID

As a guy who actually witnessed a hit and run last night, I've got to admit: I should drive more carefully. Now there's probably a picture of my Wii Mii out there posted next to the carcass. Wonderful.

No, really, that is a wanted poster and that is a Mii on it, and that made me laugh so hard I sprained my epiglottis. The Kanagawa kops (Japan) are searching for the Mii, or a someone who looks like it, anyway. The blogs that have posted about this are inconclusive as to whether that is the actual Mii of the actual suspect (to say nothing of how they might have gotten it) or if the cops used the Mii creator to build their composite.

I've seen her! She beat me on Rainbow Road not even a week ago! I threw my controller. It hit the dog. The dog died. Thankfully, my neighbor resuscitated it. Then demanded "a little something for his time". You know what he got? Wii'ed in the nads.

Mii Sought in Hit and Run [kotaku]

Thanks to Julian, whose Wii Mii doesn't associate with lawbreaking lowlifes.

Jan 13 2009 Uh-Oh: SWAT Team Called On FPS Gamers

A couple of Danish gamers (Danishers), got the SWAT team called because they were playing a first person shooter too loud one night. Thankfully, they weren't rocking any Wiimote-gun mods.

As far as we can make out from this report, two young men from Valby near Copenhagen were giving it some stick on a large flatscreen telly with the volume cranked up, prompting residents in their apartment block to suspect someone had been shot.

Cue rapid SWAT intervention, with the area sealed off and heavily-armed officers using megaphones to order the pair to surrender. The two apparently came quietly, and suffered nothing more than a temporary cuffing while police ascertained that the only danger posed was to the neighbourhood's peace and quiet.

First of all, "giving it some stick" means something completely different in my neck of the woods. And secondly, I can relate to these guys because I've often had the cops called for "having loud sex late at night". They're called adult films you idiots!

Danish SWAT team surrounds PlayStation shoot-'em-up [theregister]

Thanks to Richie-con-carnie, who once had the fire department called because he set a lover on fire. He's just that hot.

Dec 29 2008 PEW PEW: Cops' New Non-Lethal Weaponry

That thing doesn't even look real. It looks like a gun out of a video game. Or something cardboard Halo kid would make. But no, it's real (nonlethal) weapon.

Pictured above is the PHaSR, the bad-ass "Personnel Halting and Stimulation Response" rifle that's just about ready for deployment. It puts the hurt on you by dazzling you with laser light, while also burning your skin with an infrared laser.

PHaSR, very clever. I would have gone with PEW! though: Personal Eradication Weapon!. But hey, what do I know? I'm only a guy that practically comes up with acronyms for a living. Anyway, there's another weapon coming too, the ADS, or Active Denial System (which should clearly be the Active Incendiary Denial System), capable of shooting a 6-foot wide microwave beam that makes you feel all hot and bothered, but, on the plus side, can cook a frozen burrito like that.

Two fearsome non-lethal weapons on their way to cops' hands [dvice]

Dec 10 2008 How Not To Maintain Your Fake ID Business

If you sell fake I.D.s, it's best to not advertise that shit all over your Escort LX (or is it?). You can profess your love for Jesus all you want, but keep the I.D. business on the low. Apparently the genius behind this operation (who was clearly focusing his efforts on the Hispanic market) was running the mobile I.D. generating business right out of the car -- which was found to contain both computer and card printer. Great idea there buddy, but piss-poor execution. You should have been a little more discreet in your advertising. Something like, "Born Jesus, but want to be John? Ask me how." See how I even tied in the whole religion thing there? It's called brilliance, folks, and I'm full of it(!).

If You Sell Fake Ids, It's Never A Good Idea To Cover Your Car With Ads To Promote Your Business And Then Drive It Around Tennessee [bonehead]

Thanks to Dan, who may or not be selling fake Blockbuster cards out of his Taurus.

Nov 25 2008 New Cop Car Designed For Cops, By Cops

The Carbon Motors E7 is a new police cruiser that addresses safety and performance issues neglected due to the current practice of retrofitting Crown Victorias/Impalas.

Right now fire departments, emergency medical technicians, the military, and even mail carriers all use vehicles built specifically for them. But the country's 800,000 law enforcement first-responders drive dangerously retrofitted family sedans.

The E7 is being hailed as THE purpose-built vehicle for police officers. It was designed to jump curbs, safely detain criminals, be fuel efficient (40% more than current cruisers), and detect biological, chemical and radiation threats. In total, it has over 100 new features specifically requested by officers. Unfortunately, not a single one is a cup holder in the back.

Hit the jump for a video of the car.

Continue Reading " New Cop Car Designed For Cops, By Cops "

Oct 27 2008 Just Pull Over: A Lamborghini Police Car

Lamborghini, for some unknown reason, gave the Italian State Police a ridiculously policed-out 560hp 5.2-liter V10 Gallardo. I suspect it has something to do with not uncovering their illegal business practices, but that's purely my own speculation (and 100% fact). I'm not sure which officer gets to drive the car, but if I had to guess, I'd say they all fight over it. Like little girls. Little Italian girls with accents and mustachios.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures, a video, and a link to an even massive-r gallery.

Continue Reading " Just Pull Over: A Lamborghini Police Car "

Oct 10 2008 10-Year Old Tennessee Boy Enlisted To Drive Drunks Home, Flips Van At 90MPH

A 10-year old's driving services were requested by 43-year old Randy Lewis (that's actually him in the picture, he was really wearing that shirt) and Paula Elaine Evans because they were too drunk to drive themselves. Other passengers included another 10-year old and a 6-year old. However, the driver lost control of the van at 90MPH and flipped it, before it finally came to stop on its roof. Thankfully, the children were released from the hospital later with only minor injuries (the adults could have died for all I care).

When the authorities arrived on the scene, Lewis admitted to having consumed at least 15 beers as well as some alcohol while Miss Evans pounded down as many unidentified pills as she could before police arrested her.

Wow, making a 10-year old drive you home because you're wasted? That's just sad. I think we can all agree here that designated drivers should at least be 11½. You know, so they can reach the pedals.

Ten-Year-Old Drives Drunks Home, Rolls Van At 90 MPH [jalopnik]

Thanks to biggestpenisintheworld, who, based on the picture he sent, may actually be.

Sep 30 2008 Woman Celebrates Halloween Early

A Cincinnati woman went out and did it up right by celebrating Halloween early this year.

Police say 32 year old Michelle Allen was chasing children in the 3100 block of Wilbraham, while wearing the cow costume early Monday evening. Allen also reported urinated on a neighbor's front porch. An officer told Allen to go home and stay there for the remainder of the evening.

Police were later called to North Verity Avenue, where Allen was allegedly blocking traffic. The arresting officer says Allen smelled of alcohol, slurred her speech, and was belligerent. She also alleged cussed at the officer.

Sounds like a pretty typical Halloween if you ask me.

Woman Wearing Cow Suit Arrested [local12]

Thanks to Eric, who agrees the only way to really pee on a neighbor's porch is in a bear suit.

Sep 18 2008 KITT Stolen During Publicity Event In Canada

Allegedly KITT, from the new Knight Rider series, was stolen during a publicity event in Toronto last week. I call FAKE and VIRAL.

The car was making a stop in Toronto for a publicity stunt in front of Union Station on Front Street. The car was being unloaded from its transport trailer for a crowd of onlookers. When its handler turned her back for a moment, a man darts from the median, jumps into the still-running ride, and peels off heading East on Front Street.

Apparently the car has yet to be found, and to date has not been exposed as a publicity stunt. I call complete and utter shenanigans. Regardless, I'm sure KITT will turn himself on and return to Mike's side any minute now.

UPDATE: Yep, aaaaaany minute now....

UPDATE: FAXOR! (thanks Giblet, now get your buddy Gravy over here and we'll have ourselves a feast)

Knight Rider's KITT Stolen in Toronto [themovieblog]

Thanks to Arthur and Ray, who once beat KITT in a potato sack race.

Sep 10 2008 Verizon Technician Busted For Making $220K In Phone Sex Calls Using Customer's Lines

A Verizon technician, whose name I won't mention (Joseph Vaccarelli, 45, of Nutley, New Jersey) managed to tap into the land lines of over 950 customers and make 45,000 minutes of phone sex calls.

Verizon estimated that out of a 40-week period, Vaccarelli spent 15 weeks talking on 900 chat lines, authorities alleged. Of the 15 weeks, 14 were spent on lines with men pretending to be women.

Holy hellfire, shit, and brimstone, somebody buy this guy a freaking hooker already.

Verizon Tech Accused Of Making $220K In Sex Calls [wcbstv]

Thanks to Mark, who once used a descrambler to see a boob on Cinemax.

Sep 5 2008 Guy Ghetto Rigs License Plate Flipper

Orlando Payano is a Queens truck driver that doesn't like paying tolls. So what did he do? Simple, he jerry-rigged a license plate flipper.

Apparently, Orlando Payano mounted his license plate on a hinged piece of metal then ran an attached cable through his cigarette lighter. When he went through a toll booth, all he had to do is pull the cord and abracadabra! No license plate caught on camera.

Everything was going smoothly until a Port Authority officer spotted Payano's disappearing plate in action. Orlando has denied the existence of the cable system and insists he pays tolls with an EZ-Pass tag. Good luck arguing that to the judge, Orlando. Tip: Now's the time to start working out and/or juicing, lest you find yourself in the slammer with your own EZ-Pass tag -- on that ass.

Ghetto Disappearing License Plate Hack Rigged to Avoid Tolls [gizmodo]