Nov 13 2009 Ladies: Quick Conversions Cooking Towel
I've never cooked anything in my life except crystal meth and I ended up blowing up the trailer, but I have eaten things before. Including, and virtually limited to: cereal and pudding. What can I say, I'm a health nut. Anyway, the Useful Towel is a $22 piece of fabric with conversions and stuff on it. I think. I actually don't know what they are, it all looks like jibber-jabber to me. But I'd still tie it around my waist and prance around the kitchen bare-assed. Suck it, Jamie Oliver!
Useful Towel Has a Couple of Uses [uberreview]
Oct 23 2009 Okaaaay: Kenwood Mixer/Cooker Combo
Kenwood, a company best known for making the aftermarket car speakers in the back of my truck, is making this kitchen appliance. The Kenwood KM070 Cooking Chef is a mixer/cooker combo, capable of mixing shit together and then heating it up to 140°C (240°F) so you can eat it and get all full and then sit around watching TV with your hand in your pants. I've seen you before! And I liked what I saw.
It looks like your standard mixer, with a large 6.7L bowl capacity and 8 mixing speeds, but it also features an 1100W induction heating system that allows you to cook food directly in the mixing bowl.
Temperatures can be set between 20°C to 140°C for warming or actual cooking, and there's even a steam basket attachment allowing you to prepare an entire meal without ever turning on the stove. The only downside is that once again convenience doesn't come cheap, so you can expect to pay around $1,600+ for the Cooking Chef.
I honestly don't know anything cooking except eating pizza and ice creams, but maybe this is a handy appliance. I don't really know how, but maybe it is. But hey, you could write upward of thirty pages about the things I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans why Jesus slept? Kidding, I know all those. I'm sure there's something though.
Kenwood's Cooking Chef Mixer Takes The Stove Out Of The Equation [ohgizmo]
Sep 17 2009 How To Light A Grill With Liquid Oxygen
First of all, I'm not convinced liquid oxygen is real because, if it is, why can't I breath underwater? I want a merman, damnit. But if it is real, this is a video of Theo Gray lighting a charcoal grill with the stuff. Apparently it's dangerous, but I find it hard to believe. I mean, it's just a liquid. Jesus, it's not like I just ate and wanna go swimming in the stuff.
Lighting a Grill with Liquid Oxygen Is the Opposite of Safe [gizmodo]
Thanks to Van, who may or may not house a real husky bastard down by the river.
Aug 24 2009 Do Want: This Human Ingredients T-Shirt
This is $20 t-shirt listing the ingredients of human bodies in percentage order from largest to smallest. Did you know we're 0.25% sulfur? Because maybe that's why you smell so bad. Or maybe it's just your upper lip! BUUUUUUUURN. Your momma wears army boots and dresses you funny!
Thanks to Towhee Monster, who is actually 100% awesome.
Aug 14 2009 Solar Shower Provides Hot Water In 2 Hours
The $200 Solar Power Shower can heat up to 8 liters of water to 140° Fahrenheit in as little as two hours, provided it's outside in the sun and not in your basement.
It's a lot more sophisticated than a simple camping solar shower, because this one mixes that 140° water with cool water from the garden hose, giving you plenty of toasty warm water at just the right temperature.
Impressive, but I don't really have a need for a solar powered shower. I do, however, have a need for that chick in the picture. Seriously, I'm getting hungry. HIYO!
Jul 30 2009 Don't Eat The Pan!: Pac-Man Oven Mitts
This $12 Pac-Man Hothead from Fred is a silicon oven mitt that's "ready to eat the heat". Or, I dunno, your cookies! I like how the inside of his mouth looks like a Pac-Man level, I thought that was a nice touch. But not as nice as yours. No seriously -- this back isn't gonna rub itself.
Product Site (click 'buy' and 'shop online' if you want to find a place that sells them)
Jul 29 2009 Pie Suckers: I Could Probably Eat A Million
Pie suckers are exactly what they sound like: a race of aliens that come down and suck people's pies out of their kitchen windows while they're cooling. No I don't look at pictures or read stuff, I just post! I'm a posting machine. BUT DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A ROBOT OR I WILL BEEP BOOP BOP YOUR FACE IN! Okay, I looked at the picture. Are you happy now? Pie suckers are actually miniature pies on sticks, officially making them the most brilliant things I've ever heard of (move over Pop Tarts!). I just ate like four hundred of them with the sticks. Now my tummy hurts. What are you waiting for -- PUNCH ME IN THE GUT, YOU SISSY!
Artisticly Delicious - Pie Suckers [writhem]
Thanks to Michael, who better have a case of these in the mail to me. OR ELSE. Or else somebody else is gonna have to make me some. Anybody? Notice how I said anybody instead of ladies? I really wanted to say ladies BUT I AM TURNING OVER A NEW, MORE SENSITIVE CRUST. Womens?
Jul 15 2009 VISA Card Users Charged $23 Quadrillion
Several people rocking VISA prepaid credit cards got a peculiar $23,148,855,308,184,500 charge this week when using their VISA BUXX cards. That's 23 quadrillion dollars. To put that figure in layman's terms, it's almost double what I'm suing Disney for.
In New Hampshire, Josh Muszynski said he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and when he later checked his account online found that he had been charged
In North Texas, Jon Seale saw the same 17-figure bill on his credit card statement, presumably for a meal July 13 at a restaurant owned by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck.
Uh-oh -- I smell a Wolfgang Puck/big tobacco conspiracy. Rumor has it that dirty Austrian's been cooking with tommaco for years!
Visa card surprise: $23,148,855,308,184,500 [msnbc]
Thanks to Justin, Stephanie and debaser, who are now addicted to Wolfgang Puck brand pasta sauce.
Jun 25 2009 Invention Of The Century: In-Car Pizza Oven
I think I speak for us all when I say, it's about damn time. This 12-volt pizza oven plugs right into a car's cigarette lighter or power point so you can cook a breakfast pizza on your commute to work. Or a dinner pizza on your way home! Or burn your car to the ground! The $36 oven is a real product and I just bought two. One for the front seat, and one for the kids in the back. What in the -- damnit kids, I smell burning army men! *sniff* I'm just so proud.
portable pizza oven lets you cook-a nice-a pizz-a pie in a moving car [technabob]
Thanks to FDSY and gnome king, who cook their pizzas on the radiator like normal people.
Jun 16 2009 This Tastes Like Poison: Japan's Robot-Chefs
Japanese companies unveiled several new models of robotic-chefs at the recent Tokyo International Food Machinery and Tech Expo., and I, for one, am never eating out again. Kidding, ladies. Here's a breakdown of the video:
0:00 - 0:18: Pancake cooking robot sucks at flipping.
0:19 - 0:25: Robot sympathizer sympathizes with robots. You will not be saved.
0:26 - 0:39: Creepy looking realistic hand robot serves sushi, your fingers.
0:40 - 0:46: Depressed, engineer is depressed.
0:47 - 0:54: Crooked hat robot pleasures itself furiously with cucumber.
0:55 - 1:07: Segway-ass looking robot roofies your drink on it's way from the bar.
There you have it, I'm officially only eating PB&J sandwiches with ingredients processed in non-robotic factories. And if you think I'm joking you've got another thing coming. Namely, *POW* -- my fist.
Thanks to calluless, get100pens, This Is Me Posting, Kai, Marcy, Daniel, 24-bit whore, Julian, Jawn and Draw, who would rather starve to death than eat robot-food.
Jun 13 2009 Meat Hero: Man Gets Struck By Lightning While BBQing, Only Utters 'Sausages'
Eric Brocklebank, 64, got struck by lightning while manning the barbecue. And what did he have to say about it? Sausages.
"It was like an implosion inside my body."
"There was so much pressure inside of me and I couldn't see properly. I could just make out the faint outline of people heading my way."It came in through my arm, which is burnt, then it must have gone down through my body and out through my feet."
He added: "I was told the only thing I could say as I was drifting in and out of consciousness was 'sausages'."
Somebody get this man an award. Not only does he brave the elements to cook some delicious meat, but he gets struck by lightning and SOMEHOW KEEPS HIS BURNT EYES ON THE SAUSAGE-Y PRIZE. My God they must have been delicious.
Lightning bolt heats up BBQ [thesun]
Thanks to Vask, who nominates Eric for a 2009 Wiener Award.
Jun 9 2009 Will Future Ovens Cook With Lasers? (Yes)
Electrolux just ran another one of their harebrained design competitions and this laser-powered oven created by Ludovic Peperstaete was one of the featured designs. It cooks with pews!
Instead of heating elements or an open flame, food is cooked via 3 harmless lasers that are targeted by the cook. And while a single laser supposedly isn't strong enough to cook food, we all know that crossing two lasers can cook anything from a Thanksgiving turkey to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
I, for one, welcome our pew pew oven overlords. Now, bake me a cake! What do you mean, "there's already a bun in the oven"? I thought we did it in the broiler. WELL THEY'RE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER -- HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!
Could A Laser Oven Be In Our Future? Pew Pew! [ohgizmo]
Thanks to Damian, who cooks his meals the old fashioned way: by leaving it to a woman.
Jun 1 2009 Talking Grill Thermometer Talks, Temperatures
The $70 Grill Alert Talking Remote Thermometer is a talking remote thermometer for your grill. You just jam the temperature probe in your choice of meat, push some buttons, and then sit in a hammock and guzzle beer while deliciousness deliciousizes itself. When the meat reaches your predetermined temperature of choice, the thing tells you it's time to slap that bitch on a plate and OM NOM the shit out of it. Pork chop sandwiches! Also, meat probe -- I have one. Ladies?
Talking Wireless Grill Thermometer Helps Cook Steak [ohgizmo]
Apr 30 2009 Good Eats: A Whole Chicken In A Can
Hungry? Yeah, but are you whole chicken in a can hungry? That's right folks, Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken (without giblets) is an entire cooked chicken in a can (a big one). Equally perfect for camping trips or throwing up everywhere! Hit the jump to see an uncanning in progress, which will leave you wondering why you've ever eaten anything else. Then go get one. You'll be doubled over on the bathroom floor with the runs quicker than you can say "I think I ate the asshole"! Bon Appétit!
Hit it for the uncanning. Really makes me want one.
Apr 1 2009 Shii, The Controversial Wii For Her
This is a foreign commercial for the Shii, a Wii for her. It's wrong on every level and the games are all super-sexist. Which I 100% don't approve of, except for the cooking and cleaning ones, which seemed alright. Oh, and the last one. But besides those it's an awful concept. And sexist. Which, again, I don't approve of. Ladies?
Shii : enfin une Wii pour les femmes! [dailymotion]
Thanks to VS, who once threw a Wiimote through the glass ceiling.
Mar 4 2009 Now You're Cooking!: Wii Breakfast
This is video of a fake video game called Wii Breakfast. It's similar to Cooking Mama, except fake and with way more peripherals. And speaking of breakfast....
OKAY, WHICH ONE OF YOU BOOZEHOUNDS DRANK THE LAST OF MY GIN?
Thanks to Jillian, who is more than welcome to come over and cook breakfast whenever she likes. Just a heads up though, Jillian -- I like my eggs like I like my panyhose: runny.
Dec 1 2008 The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls. Alternatively, Developing An Eating Disorder
Wow. Last week it was cooking with paste, and this week, actual balls. The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls is completely uncalled for and contains many delicious rocky mountain oyster recipes. An excerpt from the 'About The Author' section:
Ljubomir Erovic has been cooking testicles for over 20 years.
When not cooking or eating testicles, or helping others to do so, he now runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment.He is married with one daughter and one testicle.
*HORF* When will the insanity end? I completely understand the "waste not, want not" mentality of using all possible edibles on an animal, but the balls? Those things weren't made for eating -- they were made for necklaces. BLING!
Hit the jump to see how to properly peel a testicle and a testicle pizza. Both of which will make you puke if you've eaten recently. Cheers!
Nov 26 2008 Thanksgiving Made Easy: A 2-Hour Turkey
Well folks, if you haven't noticed by the lack of people at work or canned pumpkin at Kroger, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. The day we Americans celebrate Jesus's first bite of whole foods (some say it was a wise man's camel) and the subsequent decimation of the Native American population via laced cornucopia. So, to help you get in the spirit of it all, a Thanksgiving-ish post!
The Nuwave Oven Pro is a $120 portable oven that can allegedly cook a 10-pound turkey (or small sibling) in a mere two hours. "NuWave performs this miracle using three kinds of heat: Conduction, convection and infrared, turning that raw bird into a golden brown beauty in no time flat." Oh really? I bet we could cut the cooking time down to an hour by adding a fourth type of heat -- my body's. Did that just turn you on? You're lying if you say it didn't. Anyway, as a notorious one last minute man, I'm gonna have to use the NuWave, seeing how my turkey isn't even thawed yet. Or purchased for that matter. I'll let you know how it goes.
UPDATE: Mmmm, raw turkey with salmonella gravy, love it.
NuWave Oven Pro cooks a turkey in 2 hours [dvice]
Nov 21 2008 Wrong, Just Wrong: World's Worst Cookbook
This is the world's worst cookbook. It's called Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes. I just puked in my mouth a little.
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!
The 61-page cookbook costs $25 and looks like a joke. So I put one in my shopping cart and proceeded to the checkout waiting for some sort of April Fool's notification. Nope, I just ordered a jizz cookbook.
Product Page (which, if you go to you can actually use the little picture on the left to look through some of the book. Which I totally didn't do.
Thanks to Julian, who invited me over for dinner. NOM NOM NOM!
Nov 20 2008 Cooking With Wookiee: Star Wars Cookbooks
You ever spent time in the kitchen making confectionery love to a Wookiee? Ha, me neither then. But now you can whip up Star Wars-y dishes (sans Wook hair) in no time thanks to this two cookbook set.
Each volume is loaded with different types of inter-galactic recipes: drinks, breakfasts, main courses, desserts, and more. Volume 2 adds some great new culinary concoctions, such as Boss Nass Broccoli, Opee's Sea Crunch, and Darth Double Dogs (doubling as a light saber you can eat!) Age is no issue when it comes to Star Wars cuisine - kids as well as adults will have a great time with these books. Whether you drove to your first Star Wars flick or just had your fifth birthday, there's no reason you can't whip up some Crazy Cantina Chili at near light speed.
The books are available as a set from ThinkGeek and will set you back 15 space bones apiece. Unfortunately, there were no Ewok recipes. I swear, you don't cook those furry bastards just right and they end up all gamey. Now tauntauns, you can't go wrong with those guys. Hoth chickens, that's what I call them.
Thanks to Pedro, a Brazilian reader who doesn't know it yet but is gonna let me crash at his place when I come to Brazil. Isn't that right Pedro?
