Oct 28 2009 Just Ordered Two Cases: Dinosaur Condoms
That's right, dinosaur shaped condoms. Available from Willy Wardrobe (probably NSFW, but also has a bunch of other novelty condoms), each Stegosaurus E-Rex will set you back £2.50 (~$4) and is not recommended for re-use (even though you and I both know you totally will anyway).
A bit of a sexual fossil? Then this dinosaur condom is for you!
Warning: Sold as novelty only. Product may be used during intercourse although there is no guarantee that it will prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.Also, not responsible for lost spines.
Okay, so I made that last part up. Still, you've got to wonder. WONDER WHY NOBODY WAS MAKING THESE EARLIER! Plus, they like a perfect fit to me. Pfft, don't even act like your penis doesn't have feet too.
Thanks to Starchitect, Ezrail, david, DatsMark, Xavire, Ross, John, sara, Jody and clipper, for knowing me all too well.
Sep 29 2009 She's So....Beautiful: How To Fix Your Baby's Misshapen Nog
Let's be honest with ourselves: our children, when first born, are ugly and their heads are all smushed cause they just got squeezed through a vagina like the last of the toothpaste. And by "our" I mean "your" because I don't have any kids. But now there's hope for your little football-head thanks to Cranial Technologies. Basically they'll design a custom helmet for your child that exerts light pressure on their dome to mash that melon back into shape. Plus, they're fully customizable with stickers and paint! For a small fee, I'll even sign the thing like a cast. And for a large fee I'll whip anybody's ass that makes fun of your child's helmet. HELMETS ARE THE NEW HAIR, FOLKS, YOU WATCH!
Thanks to Jordan, who was born with a perfect shaped head because he burst out of his mother's chest like an alien.
May 15 2009 A Day In The Life Viewed Entirely In Logos
You may have already seen this before, and if you have, congratulations, you're a real internetellect. But for those of you who haven't, this is a day in the life of some woman named Jane viewed entirely in logos. Pretty clever. I thought about making one for myself, but then realized it would just be HP, Geekologie, Maker's Mark, Jurassic Park and Kleenex. I'm a simple guy, really.
Fun with brands - Jane's Brand-timeline Portrait [dearjanesample]
Thanks to Caroline, who only uses off-brands because she's thrifty. OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SOMETHING WE DON'T! Caroline, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?
Mar 13 2009 People Still Pogo?: The Flybar Pogo Stick
Sorry for the delay folks, I just got back from the doctor for a checkup. Yeah, and you know that whole 'turn your head and cough bit'? Well, the doctor didn't properly anticipate the weight of my nuts and broke his wrist. True story. Anyway, the Flybar is a ridiculously stupid looking pogo stick that allegedly bounces higher than a regular one.
It does this using some seriously strong elastic bands known as rubber thrusters that increase the maximum bounce height to a whopping seven feet six inches. You can snag a Flybar of your own for a whopping $320.
Pfft, forget the Flybar -- I've got four-and-one-quarter inches of rubber thruster for you right here. *squeak squeak squeak* Anybody?
Flybar is one seriously juiced up pogo stick [dvice]
Jan 16 2009 Safety First: Condom Animals Doing It
NOTE: VIDEO IS PROBABLY NSFW DEPENDING ON HOW YOUR EMPLOYER FEELS ABOUT CONDOM ANIMALS HAVING SEX ALL OVER THE PLACE.
This is a Durex commercial that may or not have made it to the air (certainly not in this country) that features arguably homosexual condom rabbits doing it. I kept waiting for one to pop until I realized you probably wouldn't want to advertise that. Also, I would like to take this time to pat myself on the nuts for never getting that crazy bitch of an ex-wife pregnant.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not my child!
Superfad Ad Agency (which has a couple outtakes to watch as well)
Thanks to Skin & Bones, Jase, leftrightleft, and Julian, who, despite their vehement denials, have all used BBQ sauce as lube.
Oct 14 2008 Condometric Gives It To You Straight (Or Slightly Curved To The Left, Ladies?)
The Condometric is a condom with convenient measurements along the side so your partner can point and laugh and you can feel inadequate.
Condometric is the first prophylactic that measures and shows off the penis' length. Condometric helps us flaunt what we've got. It's about believing we can handle whatever we wish to take on, regardless of size.
Haha, 6 whole inches -- I'm perfectly average! What? Centimeters? Goddamnit.
Condometric [likecool]
Thanks to Lindsey for making me feel like Timmy Tiny Dick.
Oct 9 2008 Used Condoms Reborn As Hair/Rubber Bands
Soiled condoms *HORF* are being recycled into hair bands and rubber bands in China.
"There are a lot of bacteria and viruses on the rubber bands and hair ties made from used condoms," a dermatologist at the Guangzhou Hospital of Armed Police, who asked to be identified by his surname Dong, told the local paper. "People could be infected with AIDS, warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns."
*HORF* Jesus. But on the upside, a bag of 10 hair bands only costs 3¢. Which, I think we can all agree is worth the risk of contracting something.
Report: Used condoms 'recycled' as hair bands in China [usatoday]
Thanks to Skip, who may or may not have been the guy that ratted me out for blowing up used condoms at my last clown gig.
Sep 8 2008 Questionable, But I'd Still Buy Some And Wear Them Around The House: Star Wars Condoms
If you can't tell from the picture, these are knock-off Star Wars jimmy jackets, cleverly named Star Condoms. Apparently they were purchased somewhere in Asia and, HELLO, I'm wearing one. "A long time ago in a galaxy for, for away..." Awesome. Just a heads up though: don't buy condoms with misspellings on the box, it indicates poor quality control. Seriously, the one I'm wearing doesn't even have a tip. Hmm, I hope I don't catch anything from this keyboard.
Star Wars Condoms [theswca]
Thanks to Toni, who I think will agree with me when I say that the only good sex is safe sex. With dinosaurs. Oh shit, and ninjas.
Aug 14 2008 Husband Cheats On Wife, She Sells Condom Wrapper And Picture Of His Lover's Undies
Some guy cheated on his wife and was caught after he accidentally sent her a text message meant for his mistress. She came home, and the rest is soon to be penis-chopping history.
Once upon a time there was a women who, after 22 years of marriage, found evidence that the soon to be ex-husband, had had 'The Tart' in their marital bed this very afternoon. This low life deceitful son-of-a-person ( I'm all for political correctness) blatantly denied that this event took place even though the evidence is irrefutable and is now up for auction on e-bay.
The woman is selling a picture of the "tart's" underwear and the used condom wrapper (size small) she discovered. She was originally selling the actual underwear, but eBay yanked the auction as you're not allowed to sell preworn underwear because that's freaking disgusting and a good way to catch malaria. Make sure to hit the auction link if you want to read a much, MUCH longer description of how the guy was busted. Current bidding is at $303 with 3 days remaining, and I have no idea why anybody would freaking pay that. But hey, if you're interested I'll sell you the lingerie section from a JCPenney catalog and an empty box of Trojans for the same price.
eBay Auction
Thanks Amanda and Matt, may you never have to post a similar auction.
Jul 29 2008 Homemade Transfomer Out Of Cigarette Box
This is a stop-motion video of some cigarette box Transformers. Well, they're not all cigarette boxes. I distinctly recall matchbox and condom box robots as well. The video is pretty well made although I did feel a seizure coming on a couple times. Did I mention this is probably old and you've already seen it before? You probably downloaded it off some Transformer forum in the early 90's when you were using CompuServe dialup at 14.4 kbit/s and pkunzipping nudey pics off the 3½ floppy your friend gave you. Please, tell me the story, I'm here to listen.
Youtube
Thanks to Lee, lord of audio, for the tip
Jun 25 2008 Oh Boy!: Spray On Prophylactic Coming Soon
We've all been there before: You finally bring a girl home from the bar, get her to the bedroom, and you're rounding 3rd base and trying to come home when...shit, out of condoms. So you grab a snack-sized Doritos bag off the nightstand, but before you can secure the thing to your member with a piece of electrical tape, the chick dives out a window.
Enter German inventor Jan Vinzenz Krause. Jan got super drunk at a party once and forgot to take his shoes off before passing out. He woke up with a huge penis drawn on his face and a crotchful of silly string. Putting two and two together, Jan soon invented spray-on latex condoms.
The spray-on condom prototype measures a man's size (really big, big, average, small, really small) and then covers his penis in liquid latex providing him with a proper fitting condom. A man places his penis in a chamber. He then presses a button and a pump squirts out liquid latex through some nozzles onto the man's penis in about 20 seconds. If 20 seconds seems like a long time to wait the good news is that the inventor is working on shortening the time to about 10 seconds.
Uh, Jan? 10 seconds is a long time and The Geekologie Writer isn't exactly known for his stamina. What he is known for is once trying to slow himself down by using an empty shampoo bottle for a condom. Now I'm "that Pert Plus guy".
Hit the jump for the uncensored picture and a video demonstration.
Continue Reading " Oh Boy!: Spray On Prophylactic Coming Soon "
Apr 7 2008 UFOCap Keeps You Dry, Abstinent
The UFOCap is a hands-free umbrella that makes you look like a giant condom. The thing looks so ridiculous that the majority of people in the advertisement refused to wear them. Currently only available in Korea, they probably won't make it much further. I still want one though. No, I take that back, I'm saving myself for a Nubrella. And for marriage. Otherwise Santa might fill my stocking with reindeer shit and I'll be forced to kidnap the fat bastard.
UFO Cap Makes You Look Like Spin Top, Repels Rain and Women [gizmodo]
Thanks to Andrew, who attracts women like it's his job (which it may be, I think he's a gigolo), for the tip
Feb 8 2008 Patent 5163447: The Musical Prophylactic
Patent 5163447 describes a "force-sensitive, sound-playing condom." The safety device features "a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer (18) which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts of the sound-playing unit are closed and the transducer is activated." The inventor, Paul Lyons, actually sent me a few samples in time for Valentine's last year, but the results proved disastrous. Apparently the Star Wars theme didn't make my girlfriend as amorous as it made me. Neither did the Darth Vader mask I insisted she wear.
The uncensored picture after the jump.
Continue Reading " Patent 5163447: The Musical Prophylactic "
