Jul 13 2009 Idiot Moron Falls Into Manhole While Texting

Teenager Alexa Longueira fell into a manhole while texting and walking. And I think we can all agree: under no circumstances should she be granted a license.

She was walking along Victory Boulevard about to read a text message on her girlfriend's cell phone when the sidewalk was suddenly gone.

"Like, there was no warning about a big, open hole," she said.

It was a big, open manhole.

Alexa tumbled six feet underground and landed in four inches of raw sewage.

Warning? You don't need a warning IT'S A GIANT HOLE. I bet at least six blind people avoided it that very same day. And what was the other thing? Oh yeah -- I hope Master Splinter and the gang whipped your ass while you were down there.

Texting teen falls into manhole [abclocal]

Thanks to Slopez, who fought off three ninjas and two vikings while sending me this tip via SMS.

Jun 11 2009 Star Trek Communicator App For iPhone

Want a realistic Star Trek communicator app for your iPhone? You're in luck, dog.

This classic Star Trek communicator app for iPhone slipped past us when it was first released into the App Store at the end of May. The spot on graphics and familiar chirping sound triggered when performing the epic cover-flip to access the communicator's controls is pure goodness.

This app is dangerously authentic and it's actually useful too. Unfortunately the developers had to name it "Star Radio Communicator" ($.99) in order to keep Paramount from sniffing out their brilliant effort.

*BEEP BOOP chirpity chirp chirp* Geekologie Writer, come in -- this is your captain speaking. What do you say you and I go investigate planet Dinosauria and score some sweet tail? "Captain, I've already been beamed."

UPDATE: App was purchased by several Geekologie Readers who attest the thing is a monster piece of shit and doesn't sound right at all. Save your buck.

Star Trek Communicator for iPhone Is Spot On [iphonesavior]

Thanks to Michael, who boob beep chirpity chirps all the ladies. And to Dan, Aaron and konstance for each pissing away $1 to find out it sucks the balls.

May 9 2009 Captain Ahab, The Harpoon!: Fail Whale Cake

Twitter user wildflourbakery went and made a fail whale cake for the Lawrence, Kansas Tweet Up. And I can safely say I have no idea what I just typed. Tweet Up? Fail whale? I AM ALL WIN FISH, SON!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and another, different fail whale cake.

Continue Reading " Captain Ahab, The Harpoon!: Fail Whale Cake "

Apr 22 2009 Two Pennsylvania Men Set Texting Record

That's right, in a bid to be crowned the world's biggest losers, Nick Andes, 29 and Doug Klinger, 30, sent over 217,000 text messages during the month of March. Also, Nick was mistakenly sent a $27K phone bill (which has since been cleared up) for the textacular achievement. You two must be so proud.

Andes and Klinger were able to set up their phones to send multiple messages. During a February test run they found they could send 6,000 or 7,000 messages on some days, prompting the March messaging marathon.

"Most were either short phrases or one word, 'LOL' or 'Hello,' things like that, with tons and tons of repeats," said Andes, reached by phone.

Andes sent more than 140,000 messages, and Klinger sent more than 70,000 to end the month with a total of just over 217,000, he said.

Wow, that has got to be one of the saddest things I've ever copy/pasted. And this is coming from a guy who copy/pasted a picture of a smushed cat all around town to encourage people to drive slower. So yeah, I'm the authority. Now -- up against the wall and spread em! Wider. Haha, you ripped your pants.

Record attempt reaps 217K texts, $26K phone bill [myway]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who agrees some records are best left unbroken.

Apr 7 2009 Flutter: Twitter's Latest Competition

Is 140 characters too many for you? Feel intimidated by all that space? Then check out Flutter, the latest in social blogging sites. Flutter promises to take Twitter's microblogging to the next level: nanoblogging -- with a limit of 26 characters per post, or "flap". Obviously, the video is a parody. But the really sad part is that it probably won't be for long. *waving junk around like a helicopter* Flap this, scumbags!

Youtube

Thanks toysoldier, Julian and 3bee, who once sat outside my bedroom window tweeting so loud I almost shot at them with a BB gun.

Apr 1 2009 A Sneak Peek Into QualComm's R&D Dept

This is a rare sneak-peek into Qualcomm's normally top-secret R&D Department. I thought it was both informative and awesome, especially the bit at the end with the junior engineer. After watching, I think we can all agree that Qualcomm is, in fact, the future of wireless communications. And what a bright future it is. CAW CAW!

Official Site
and
Youtube

Thanks to jaime, Jennie and Jeff, who have been breeding leopardhawks for years.

Feb 18 2009 Universal Cell Phone Charger Here By 2012

The major cell phone manufacturers (Apple excluded) have agreed to adopt a universal microUSB charger for cell phones by 2012. And I think I speak for all of us when I say I say, "it's about freaking time!" And also, "can you hear me now?" *slamming balls in dictionary* Jla`#@82[wa;g@!h.!! I deserved that.

As a result of the universal standard, smartphone makers may well end up incorporating both a micro USB adaptor, and a proprietary one for specialist data transfers to their devices. That'll require at least an extra lead or two in the box, losing some of the environmental benefit, and placing a constraint on product designs. Maybe that's why those cellphone makers who agreed to the standard have only promised "the majority" of cellphones will use the connector by 2012, and avoided a binding agreement.

Wow, that seems kind of ridiculous. I hate to break it to you, folks, but I can charge cellphones with my mind. Don't believe me? Take your cell phone out of your pocket and look at it. Does it have a charge? I did that. Now call me, I've got rollover minutes about to expire.

Cellphone Makers Agree on Universal Charger, But is it a Good Idea? [fastcompany]

Thanks to mike and Klye, who charge their phones the way God intended, like a bull.

Feb 17 2009 Green Palm: LG Releasing Solar Cell Phone

LG is planning on dropping a solar-powered cell phone on the mobile communications market so you'll no longer need a wall charger to power your communication device. You just need a sunny park bench, a loaf of bread, and a flock of trained pigeons. BAM -- did my level of greenness just make your head explode? No? Okay, try this one on for size -- you tie a message to a kite, and fly it to whoever you want to communicate with. Then they follow the string back to you and you have a good 'ol face to face. You know, like they used to do in the olden days before Western Union invented horses. LG claims ten minutes in the sun will net you a three minute call. But not a butterfly! I'm not high, you're high!

Living Green: LG unveils solar-powered cell phone [dvice]

Feb 9 2009 Make Calls In Private With The Isophone

The Isophone may like a giant waterbug banging your brain, but it's actually a device designed to provide uninterrupted peace and quiet while you're making phone calls.

The Isophone is essentially a telecommunications device providing a service that can be described simply as a meeting of the telephone and the floatation tank. The user wears a helmet that blocks out all peripheral sensory distraction whilst keeping the head above the surface of the water... a space is created for providing a pure, distraction free environment for making a telephone call.

I need one. Like yesterday. Ooh, and a pool. This bathtub just isn't cutting it anymore. *knocking* Damnit -- SHUT UP MOM I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE! What's that? Fish sticks for dinner? Hot damn, I'll be out in a sec!

Hit the jump for several more shots of this chick using the device.

Continue Reading " Make Calls In Private With The Isophone "

Feb 5 2009 Verizon Customer Service Reps Fail At Math

This is a call to Verizon in which neither of the two customer service reps that get on the phone can distinguish the difference between $0.002 and 0.002¢. Thank God that wasn't me, because I would have shot a laserbeam out of my eyes and accidentally killed the cat. No, I don't have a cell phone, so I don't have to worry about incompetent customer service reps. But what I do have to worry about is rats gnawing through my land line. I saw one drag a whole loaf of bread behind the refrigerator!

Youtube
via
Failblog

Thanks to Joel, Chad and Ollie Williams, who once killed a 411 operator for giving them the wrong number to a nudey bar.

Feb 3 2009 Wrong #: Cell Phone Explodes, Killing Man

We reported on a 'death by cell phone explosion' last year, but that one turned out to be some guy trying to cover up accidentally killing a coworker. Maybe this one's real. Or maybe somebody else pushed the wrong lever.

A man has died after his mobile phone exploded, severing a major artery in his neck, according to reports.

The man, thought to be a shop assistant in his twenties at a computer shop in Guangzhou, China, died after he put a new battery in his phone. It was believed that he may have just finished charging the battery and had put the phone in his breast pocket when it exploded.

According to the local Chinese daily Shin Min Daily News, the accident happened on January 30 at 7.30pm. An employee at the shop told Chinese media that she heard a loud bang and saw her colleague lying on the floor of the shop in a pool of blood. The employee said the victim had recently changed the battery in his mobile phone.

Jesus, I'm never charging my phone again. So if you want to talk to me, you better call quick, because yesterday was my last charge. Yep, I'm only yelling from here on out. YOU HEAR ME? HONEY, I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR DINNER!

Man killed by 'exploding mobile phone' [timesonline]

Thanks to Richie-con-carnie, who once cooked a delicious meal on the heat of a burning cellphone.

NOTE: Picture is not related to story. Except it's a picture of a cell phone that exploded. And caught fire.

Jan 9 2009 New Presidential Limo Ready For Action Jan 20

CLICK HERE FOR FULL SIZE IMAGE

Remember the new presidential limo that Cadillac designed to be PEW PEW proof? Well it's been approved for use starting January 20th and is jam-packed with all kinds of exciting features like extra presidential blood (I'm not kidding) and 8-inch thick (me too, ladies) doors that weigh as much as a 757's cabin door. I thought it was funny the driver side window is the only one that goes down and even it only 3-inches (me too, ladies) to "pay a toll or talk with secret service agents running alongside". Pay a toll? Get freaking real! I know the picture is small, so click here to see the full size image and read all those little words. Then, read my lips: No. new. tickets. Seriously, I'm already driving on a suspended license. Shhhhhh!

Inside the Rocket-Proof Obamamobile [gizmodo]

Thanks to Pat and Vossk, who allegedly both banged hookers in the back of this thing while it was being built.

Dec 11 2008 Oh Snap, There's A Zune Phone Coming!

Or is there? I don't know, I'm not good at speculation. But I am good at making shit up. And also, making out. Ladies?

According to Trip Chowdhry, an analyst at Global Equities Research, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will announce a Zune-style mobile device during his keynote address at the upcoming Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, on January 7, 2009. In an article in Barron's, Chowdhry claims that the company's new centerpiece will combine the best features of the Zune media player with the hardware design of Danger's mobile Sidekick, in addition to "motion enhancement features," like an accelerometer.

Basically, this means the device will come with a physical keyboard like HTC's G1 and will likely feature a larger screen to accommodate heavy multimedia elements. And since we're all here copying each other's mobile phone features, we'll be shocked if the Zune phone doesn't feature multitouch capabilities.

Wow, way to make my new-phone boner shrivel like a century-old prune. Microsoft, Microsoft, Microsoft. Did you not learn anything from yesterday's lesson? Are you trying to drop hints about a new phone or not? If so, this is how it's done:

Steve Ballmer: Zune phone? Who said anything about a Zune phone? Psyche -- gimme them digits, bitches! BA-DOW!

Remember Microsoft, I'm still available for hire.

Rumor: Zune Phone Is Coming to CES 2009 [wired]

Thanks to Ain, who doesn't need a cellphone because he has two tin cans and long piece of string in his treefort.

Nov 26 2008 Italian Police Find Cellphone Gun: Excuse Me, I Need To Answer This....PEW PEW!

Italian police discovered a .22 caliber cellphone gun during a raid on a Camorra (Naples Mafia) compound.

Fully loaded, the gun's capable of firing four shots in quick succession through the antenna using buttons on the keypad as the trigger. Officers also seized bullet proof vests, drugs, ammunition and thousands of pounds in cash.

Screw the gun, thousands of pounds in cash? Are talking pounds the monetary unit or pounds as in I weigh far too many of them? And if it is the latter, tell me they were all ones. Then give me a stack -- Thanksgiving at the strip club!

Mafia 'mobile phone gun' seized [bbcnews]

Thanks to Georgethefirst, who still rocks a pager gun because he's oldschool.

Nov 14 2008 FAKE!: Guy Loses His Cool In Hotel

There are few joys in life like laughing at some poor bastard's misfortune. Which is why I loved this video so much. Unfortunately, it's fake and actually an ad for Cisco's Integrated Communications or some such poppycock. I know, major letdown. It's still worth a viewing though. I mean, it's Friday and you've already started drinking. You have already started drinking, right? Come on, have a couple cocktails with me. They'll make lunch taste that much better!

Youtube

Thanks to Mike, who once blew up in line at Target. Nobody survived.

Jun 18 2008 Wow: Radiohead's Nude Played On Old Computer Parts Is Really Freaking Good

The Imperial March on a floppy disk is still cool and all, but this video takes the concept to a whole new level. It's Radiohead's Nude being played on all kinds of computer parts. It was made by James Houston, a student from the Glasgow School of Art's visual communication program. And not only is the music amazing well created, but the video is legit as well. The instruments are as follows:

Sinclair ZX Spectrum - Guitars (rhythm & lead)
Epson LX-81 Dot Matrix Printer - Drums
HP Scanjet 3c - Bass Guitar
Hard Drive array - Act as a collection of bad speakers - Vocals & FX

Let it load and then skip to a little after 1:00 for it to get started. Otherwise you have to listen to a minute of static and watch some flashing color bands that may or may not be trying to hypnotize you. They only gave me a boner though. I love static. And flashing colors? Don't even get me started. *shivers*

Big Ideas (don't get any) [vimeo]

Thanks Michael Jackson, but stay the f*** away from my kids

Dec 19 2007 Cell Phone Looks Like A Rotary Doughnut

The Circle Phone by designer Jin Le is a cell phone with rotary dial and only 3 buttons -- power, connect, and disconnect. I've got to say, there's something very satisfying about using a rotary phone, it's something about the sound they make when you dial. You just don't get that from today's new-fangled phones. You know what else you don't get from today's cell phones? The ability to dial with you genitals. Ah, phone sex. By the time I finally got the number right and was connected to my girlfriend I was ready to go. Sometimes her brother would answer, but it was okay -- he had a really high voice.

A few more pictures of the thing after the ring.

Continue Reading " Cell Phone Looks Like A Rotary Doughnut "

Nov 23 2007 Phone + Mouse = Skype Travel Mouse

The Skype Travel Mouse is a mouse with an integrated phone. It features a 128 x 64 pixel LCD display for caller ID, etc. and a sliding numeric keypad. I don't use Skype myself, because I live in a tree house and make all my calls with a rusty soup can and a long piece of string. But if you are big into Skype, maybe you want one. If so it'll set you back $42.50. Just be careful about who sees you using this thing at work. Because the last time I tried using the mouse to make phone calls my coworkers all looked at me like I was crazy. I wasn't crazy, I was just high as hell. And that's why I got fired.

Skype Travel Mouse [ohgizmo]

Oct 4 2007 Finger Touching Turns Fingers To Buttons

Finger Touching, a device developed by Samsung, turns your fingers into the buttons on a cellphone, so you can text faster -- or at least on bigger buttons. It's "easier and lighter in mobile circumstances corresponding to the 3.5G, 4G communication standard." Basically it projects the letters onto the three segments of each finger, and you push what you want. I think this is a pretty clever idea, but I don't need one. Because I don't have a cell phone. Or a land line. I have two rusty soup cans and a very long string. Which is ultra high technology. Don't believe me? You wouldn't know high technology if it called your treefort and gave you tetanus. Which is what it did to me, so I know.

Wearable Mobile Device For Enhanced Chatting [yankodesign]

Sep 28 2007 Cell Phone Jammer Is Awesome, Affordable

The Palm Phone Jammer is a cell phone jammer than can effectively shut down GSM 850-, 900-, 1,800-, and 1,900-MHz cell phone calls in a 30 foot radius. Oh happy day! The unit costs a paltry $166, which is a steal. My old cell phone jammer looked a lot like me waving a gun and yelling obscenities, so this might not only jam calls, but lower my blood pressure. Two birds stoned at once. Although gun waving is fun. I doubt you're going to get anyone to shit their pants with this thing.

Cell Phone Jammer Is Awesome, Affordable [therawfeed]