Aug 27 2008 This Is What Happens...
When the CERN Large Hadron Collider starts crashing particles into shit next month. I can hardly wait!
Hit the jump for a highly questionable (yet informative) video of some chick singing a rap song about the collider.
Apr 24 2008 Forget Time Travel, Now We're All Gonna Die
Remember the two Russians that were convinced the CERN Large Hadron Collider would tear a hole in the fabric of time so we can all travel to the future and ride hoverboards or the past and have sex with dinosaurs? Well now there are two gentlemen fighting a legal battle in Hawaii to prevent CERN from ever colliding anything. Why? They're convinced it'll open a black hole bigger than my girlfriend's gaping pie-hole, swallowing the earth -- and possibly the whole galaxy! My oh my.
Walter Wagner and Luis Sancho contend that scientists at the European Center for Nuclear Research, or CERN, have played down the chances that the collider could produce, among other horrors, a tiny black hole, which, they say, could eat the Earth. Or it could spit out something called a "strangelet" that would convert our planet to a shrunken dense dead lump of something called "strange matter." Their suit also says CERN has failed to provide an environmental impact statement as required under the U.S. National Environmental Policy Act.
Wow guys, way to be a bunch of weenies. You two never blew things up when you were kids did you? You know, you could learn a thing or two from Everett about living on the edge. I say f*** it -- if the thing creates a black hole and turns us into a shit-like lump of dead matter, we won't even be around to notice anyway. Screw it. Besides, I'm really banking on the whole time travel thing. Which is why I volunteered to have the particles collided with my face. If there's anybody who's gonna the be first to ride a tyrannosaurus rex while shooting at other dinosaurs with a giant laser beam, it's this guy. That's right baby, real life Dino-Riders! Now who's with me?
Try this headline: Black Hole Eats Earth [intl'heraldtribune]
Thanks to Kiyoshi, the only one who can stop the world from ending, for the tip
Feb 11 2008 Uh Oh: Russians Think Time Machine Is Right Around The Corner
Two Russian scientists claim that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), a particle accelerator in Switzerland, may be the world's first time machine. They're in the process of trying to recreate a miniature Big Bang. They're not sure exactly what will happen, but my guess is destroy the planet somehow. The first particle smash goes down in May, and they believe it may create a rip in the fabric of time, making time travel possible. I don't know about all that, but one time I did an experiment where I collided a subatomic toot with the particles of my jeans, creating a rip in the fabric of Levi's. But there wasn't any time traveling afterwards, just a stink and ruined pants.
News video after the jump, complete with some Back To The Future scenes
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