Nov 12 2009 Science-y!: Thermal Imaging Of A Toot

This is what a toot likes like under thermal imaging. Looks kind of like a ghost, don't you think? The ghost of dinners past! Get it?! Me neither. Also, I totally just made you stare at a man's ass. Women don't do that! Right? Women don't do that....right?

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Thanks to Kelly, who thought it looked like musical notes.

Nov 11 2009 That....Sounds Dangerous -- I Must Try It!

This is a 9-second video of an evil mad scientist pouring liquid nitrogen in his mouth and blowing out vapor. Why? Because he's mad, yo! Even worse than that tea-loving mother with the big hat.

Though it may look like this scientist is actually drinking the liquid nitrogen, he says that with a bit of practice, "it is easy not to swallow liquid nitrogen and make cool condensed vapor come out of the nostrils."

I would have drank it. I would have drank it and asked for another one. Bartender, another cold one. No, another REAAALLY cold one. You catch my drift? I'm talking about liquid nitrogen. And I want two of those little umbrellas and a plastic cutlass with cherries AND YOU BETTER NOT CHARGE ME FOR THEM. Now, get ready to call the paramedics.

How Scientists Chill Out [techeblog]

Thanks to naas, who once drank liquid gasoline trying to siphon my gas tank. That's what you get!

Sep 16 2009 Booze The Way God Intended: Boob Ice Luge

If God didn't want us drinking from boobs our whole lives, then why did he make them so appealing in adulthood? Also, why don't dinosaurs have nipples? These and many other life changing questions will be answered in my forthcoming tell-all, "The GW: A Life of Blogging". But honestly, when I first saw these $25 Boob Ice Luge molds I didn't even know what I was looking at. And did that stop me from ordering 20? No, my bank account balance did. But I still got 12!

Are you tired of your boring old Ice Luge? Planning a racy bachelor party and need an exciting way to chug your alcohol? Then you need this fabulous Boob Ice Luge! Just fill the breast mold with water, and in two days, you will have two rock hard boobs waiting to be filled with an alcoholic beverage of your choice!

"Rock hard boobs". Wow, that was a turn off. Don't get me wrong, I'd still drink out of them all night, I just wouldn't hang around after the party and try to take them home with me. Yes, yes I would. I don't even care if the nipples melt off!

Hit the jump for the uncensored shot.

Continue Reading " Booze The Way God Intended: Boob Ice Luge "

Aug 31 2009 Branded Jägermeister Cooler With Tap

I can't drink Jäger because it makes my clothes fall off and catch fire and me fight people and break stuff and all kinds of other awesome things that I have to start saving for special occassions. But hey, if you do regularly enjoy black licorice flavored unicorn blood, you're in luck.

The cooler holds 6 bottles of your drink, with two of them hooked into the built-in dispenser. There's plenty of room for other drinks (ie. Red Bull) so as to keep things interesting. If you really love Jägermeister, then $120 (drinks not included) will get you this branded cooler.

I assume it'll work with any bottle that's short enough to fit in the cooler. Which isn't a terrible idea, but you could just get a regular cooler, and then screw the cap off and pour the drink whenever you want some. Archaic, I know, but you did just save yourself $100. And you know how many extra bottles of Jäger that is? I don't -- I TOLD YOU I DON'T DRINK THAT SHIT. Bourbon. So hot it burns my lips.

Keep Cold Jägermeister On Tap Anywhere You Go [ohgizmo]

Aug 25 2009 "Don't Be Afraid" He Murmured, His Velvet Voice Unintentionally Seductive

That's right folks, now there's a Twilight/vampire themed sex toy. It's a sparkly dildo and marks the coming of the apocalypse.

Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience (OR A FIRE!).

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.

The Vamp is a realistic form based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

Yes, out in the sunlight. Because a public park is the perfect place to vamp yourself. Also, to rollerblade. Don't forget your pads and helmet!

NSFW Product Site (with video!)

Thanks to Shannon, LisaMarie, Joemo, Cloie, Ashley, sham, Evy, rya and anyone else I may have forgotten, for all chipping in and ordering me one. You did order me one, right guys?

Jul 31 2009 I Don't Care What You Say, I Would Eat It

Yes I would. I would cut that cake with a knife and eat it with a fork OR WHATEVER UTENSIL IS AROUND. And if there aren't any I would just use my hand like a neanderthal BECAUSE I AM A SUCKER FOR ICE CREAM CAKE, OKAY? Now I know most of you guys don't like Twilight because it sucks so hard, but a lot of chicks really eat this teenage vampire shit up. Not getting any chicks? USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. I'm talking fang implants, bro.

Cake of the Day: Needs more sprinkles. [dailywhat]

Thanks to pstone, who doesn't do vampires but did date a halfling.

Jun 8 2009 Evading The Red Army: Russian Freerunning

Not to be outdone by wicked sickness that is ninja boy, this is an older video of some wicked Russian freerunning/climbing. It's pretty impressive and if I had even half those moves I would have spent a lot less in the slammer learning about love and relationships and bartering one's ass for cigarettes. Regardless, I think we can all agree that the world would be a much different place now if the Ruskies had this intelligence during the Cold War. Read: I'd be drinking vodka right now. Wait, I am drinking vodka right now. I HEART YOU RUSSIA!

Send me a bride.

Youtube

Thanks to AmericanKGB, who may or may not be working both sides. I suspect he is.

Apr 13 2009 For When It's Cold: Sleeping Bag Coats

Lippi Selk'bags cost $125-$150 and look like wearable sleeping bags. Because that's what they are -- sleeping bags that you wear. Any of you lovely ladies interested in sharing one with me? Awesome -- I get it on weekends!

Lippi's Selk'bag is made for mobility, comfort and a more recuperative sleep. Designed and tested in the Andes, the Selk'bag was named in honor of the lost Selk'nam natives of Chile who were known for their ferocity and ability to withstand harsh conditions.

In a recent comparison conducted by Consumer Reports, a Selk'bag actually ripped a Snuggie's sleeves off and defecated down its head hole. Which, you're right, would have made a great commercial.

Sleeping-Bag Suit Makes Snuggies Look Even Wussier [asylum]

Thanks to Stephen, who can endure temperatures down to -40 degrees Celsius because he's inside a tauntaun.

Mar 24 2009 More Marie-Claude Bourbonnais Cosplay Action: Frost From Mortal Kombat

I know, it's been too long since our last installment of Marie-Claude, and I'm sorry. If I could do a dance and make it rain hot cosplay everyday, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, I can't dance on these peglegs. Anyway, here is the latest from chesty Ms. Bourbonnais and photographer Gil P. As you can see, she's Frost from Mortal Kombat. And speaking of which, my huevos could use a little cool down. Some help over here, Frost? No? OH YOU ARE SO COLD!

Hit the jump for several more and another link to the whole set in case you couldn't find it in the text above.

Continue Reading " More Marie-Claude Bourbonnais Cosplay Action: Frost From Mortal Kombat "

Feb 16 2009 Luxury Ice Comes At A Cost (Hint: $8 A Ball)

I had no idea there was a market for luxury ice and I'm still hoping there isn't but California-based Glace Luxury Ice Company is hoping differently. The company is selling 2.5-inch "luxury" ice spheres for $8 a freaking ball.

The Glices are supposedly hand-carved in Canada (sure they are) and delivered in "elegant packaging" complete with dry ice, and are designed to compliment even the most expensive of drinks. And besides their claims that a sphere is "among the most efficient ways to cool your drink" the company does use purified water to ensure there are no contaminates in the ice spheres to alter the taste of premium drinks or liquors.

I swear, you people and your "premium drinks or liquors". You know what I drink? Radiator wine. Recipe: Set one bottle of apple juice on the radiator in front of your dorm window for one semester. Drink. Also, Skittle Brew. Recipe: Add your favorite flavor combination of Skittles to one bottle of vodka. Shake and let sit overnight. Drink with breakfast. Speaking of which....

Mmmm, grapealimey.

Hit the jump for more ridiculous pictures of expensive spherical ice.

Continue Reading " Luxury Ice Comes At A Cost (Hint: $8 A Ball) "

Feb 6 2009 Joker Ski Masks Perfect For Armed Robbery

This is a $17 ski mask from Amazon that makes you look like the Joker from The Dark Knight. Wear one to scare the hell out of people. Or barbecue in the cold. Perfect for all occasions!*

*Banking Excluded

Hit the jump to see a different, more traditional version that's available.

Continue Reading " Joker Ski Masks Perfect For Armed Robbery "

Jan 21 2009 Beer Hoodie: Look, Bartender -- No Hands!

I've got the feeling this has existed forever, but just in case it hasn't, here it is -- the $36 Beer Pouch Sweatshirt with Hood.

Finally! You can carry around a beer while leaving your hands free to high five a complete stranger in the stands, carry more beer, or operate your hands-free cellphone. The Beer Pouch Sweatshirt is perfect for sporting events, picnics, and really boring offices.

Features a 30 square inch pouch with elastic band and an insulating liner to keep your beer ice cold. The pouch can stretch to accommodate soda cans, bottled water, and even cans of soup and bottles of whipped cream.

Wow, I think that effectively convinced me not to buy one after all. Not that I was going to anyways -- I've already got a beer carrier. Isn't that right, wench? Wench?

NOTICE: Now hiring new beer wench. Must be able to lift 20 lbs, support 190. Large breasts a plus, penis a minus.

Product Page

Thanks to pirhan, who hand-frees beer the old fashioned way, with one of those beer helmets.

Jan 8 2009 Highly Questionable Yellow Glasses Supposed To Prevent Computer-Related Eye Fatigue

Gunnar glasses ($100 - $189!!!!!!!!!!) come in cleverly named styles like Bit Surfer, Wi-Five and El Doucherino, and are supposed to prevent the eye fatigue caused by blogging eight hours a day. That's right ladies and gentlemen....prepare to experience "Enhanced Computer Vision".

Ever wonder why your eyes get tired after staring at a PC screen for hours? Gunnar says it's because of the LCD screen's cold color temperature. According to these folks, the bluish tints your PC screen displays strains the eyes, you don't blink as much and your eyes don't hydrate.

So the yellow makes your screen look warmer, and as a result you blink more and your eyes don't get tired. Pffft, what nonsense. Your eyes get tired from staring at a computer eight hours a day BECAUSE YOU'RE STARING AT A GODDAMN COMPUTER EIGHT HOURS A DAY. The only things worse for your eyes are reading fine print and staring at the sun. Or getting one pecked out by a parrot. F*CK YES I WEAR MY EYEPATCH WHEN I BLOG!

Save your eyes with Gunnar PC shades [dvice]

Jan 3 2009 Questionable: Fridge Door Can Caddies

What the hell is a Fridge Door Can Caddy? It's a piece of molded plastic that holds four cans vertically in the refrigerator door so you can save space. And, as an added bonus, it comes with a handle so you can grab your brew and run should the cops come to raid your meth lab (I'm on to you!). $10 gets you a set of two. Also, $10 to anyone who can explain why there's a 3:1 soda to beer ratio in the picture. Who the hell only takes one beer somewhere? Well, except the shower.

Beer Can Door Caddy Might Just Save the Environment From Beer Fridges [uberreview]

Dec 31 2008 I Like Cold Beverages: The Cooper Chiller

The $60 Cooper Cooler Rapid Beverage Chiller chills a beer down to 43 °F in sixty seconds. So, at the moderate drinking rate of one beer per 45 seconds, you only have 15 seconds of down time until the next beer is ready. Not too shabby. You just fill the P.O.S. with ice and water, and presto: it rotates your can, all the while hosing the aluminum bastard down with cold water. Of course, if you're looking for something a little more powerful -- something that can cool a beer instantly -- I've got two words for you: witch titties.

One Minute Drink Chiller Works Better Than A Fire Extinguisher [ohgizmo]

Dec 15 2008 Are You Even Surprised?: iPhone Gloves

The $23 Etre Touchy gloves are handwear designed for using your iPhone or other touchscreen device in the harsh months of winter. They're just gloves with the index fingers and thumbs cut off. Which *SPOILER ALERT* you can do yourself to any pair of gloves, even $5 ones. Ha, but not while you're wearing them you stupid idiot!

Etre Touchy gloves won't let winter spoil your texting fun [dvice]

Dec 3 2008 Okay: Sled Works In Winter AND Summer

The Ice Meister Slicer isn't only horribly named, it's also a monster piece of crap that costs $70. For a molded piece of plastic. Anyway, if I haven't (or the nozzle in the pictures hasn't) turned you off already, the sled is ride-able in both the winter AND summer. How? Look at the picture. It comes with two molds you fill with water and then freeze. Attach the blocks to the bottom of the sled, and TA-DA -- why's that kid wearing a helmet? He looks like my roommate the time he shat in the cat's litterbox. Which I may or may not have filmed. Rule 34 baby.

And, to get you in the holiday spirit:

Eddie: I don't know if I oughta go sailin' down no hill with nothin' between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.
Clark: Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Ice Meister Slicer lets you sled down hills all year [dvice]

Dec 2 2008 That's Cold!: Ice Sculpture Carving Fail

If there's one thing I love in life it's another person's misfortune. A close second is dessert. One time I was scarfing grimace proportions of peach pie a la mode in a restaurant and some guy tripped and busted his face open on the sidewalk. I whip creamed my pants. So this ice sculpture fiasco was a real treat. Of course, it helped that I was finishing off the last of the pumpkin pie while I watched. And taunting a bum with a half eaten turkey sandwich.

Note: The Geekologie Writer actually takes no pleasure in other people's misfortune. He is a caring and sensitive man-boy who volunteers at the local strip club and once saved a busload of schoolchildren from alligators because their teacher was hot. Did I mention he has a wang the size of Texas? Because he does. Unless that's too big, in which case it's one of the Carolinas (take your pick) but shaped like Florida (cooking accident). Laaadies?
Youtube
via
Failblog

Thanks to Colin, who once made love to an ice sculpture mermaid.

Dec 2 2008 Wait, What?: A Gas-Powered Snowboard

Hammacher Schlongmeister, purveyor of the utterly ridiculous, is selling a gas-powered snowboard this year. Because, you know -- shit, beats me.

This is the gas-powered vehicle that combines the thrill of riding a snowmobile and the freedom of a snowboard, enabling you to surf effortlessly over the deepest fresh powder or on packed, granular snow. Powered by a 6 1/2-hp four-cycle gasoline engine that starts with a pull, it can accommodate riders up to 250 lbs. and has a maximum speed of 18 mph, operating up to two hours on only 3/4-gallon of gasoline.

All that and it'll only set you back $2,000. They're practically giving them away! And as a guy who's broken his arm snowboarding, I've got to admit: two grand is a small price to pay to shatter it again. *CRUNCH* I can see the bone!

Gas-powered snowboard secures your dominance over nature [dvice]

Nov 25 2008 Google Employees Create Spreadsheet Art

This is a time-lapse video of three Google employees creating an 18,600 cell mosaic in a spreadsheet. As you will see, it has a nice wintry theme. Namely, snowflakes. Personally, I would have gone with Frosty bending Santa over his sleigh for not bringing him the new corncob pipe he wanted, while Mrs. Claus watches from the kitchen window and bakes those delicious cookies of hers. But I don't get paid to sit around and make spreadsheet art. I get paid to sit around and desecrate your Christmas memories. Happy holidays bitches!

18,600-Cell Spreadsheet Mosaic Captured On Time-Lapse Video [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who's allegedly keeping Frosty's head alive in his freezer.